Told my wife I am poly how can I make this easier for her

Tifachu

New member
We are a lesbian couple, we've been married 2 years this month. I've recently told her and she said she always knew it was my kind of lifestyle. She hates it though and we don't really know what to do. I feel like a part of me has been missing since I tried to be mono but I love my wife and want her to be happy too. At first she said she would try it (while crying) and then changed her mind and said she couldn't do it. She can't handle the thought of me with another woman. I don't want to hurt her. Any advice? Please don't be rude or nasty I'm just looking for advice no judgement.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

It's good that you were honest though. Even if it feels hard, lean INTO it and not away from it. Talk and sort stuff out.

I feel like a part of me has been missing since I tried to be mono

I'm sorry you didn't figure this out before the marriage. I imagine it makes things tougher now. :(

But it is what it is and things still have to be dealt with.

At first she said she would try it (while crying) and then changed her mind and said she couldn't do it. She can't handle the thought of me with another woman

She just learned this news. She could not leap into life changing choices while still stunned/shocked. And you could not believe her if she's up and downy.

I suggest you give it time to actually sink in. Don't act on anything yet even if she says she's willing to try it. Then ask her again later when it's not so fresh where she stands on it. Is that a hard limit deal breaker for her? Or a soft limit that could change over time?

I think you guys have to talk honestly.

  • If this is a soft limit AND what she needs is something you can handle, then give it a try. http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf might help some.
  • If this is a soft limit BUT what she needs is more than you are willing to do? Part ways. Don't force it.
  • If this is a hard limit deal breaker issue, accept it. Best that you change the conversation and talk about parting ways clean and respectfully than try to square peg round hole and cause each other more pain.

She cannot be married and doing poly when her heart is not in it any more than you can be married and doing mono when your heart is not in it. Do what is healthiest for the people.

Don't cling to the relationship shape. If it needs to change from (we practice marriage together) to a better fitting model (we are exes and friends) so you both can stop suffering... become willing to the change the relationship shape.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Tifachu,

Sometimes Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ helps newcomers to poly; it answers some of their concerns. So ask your partner to read that page. And, if you'll keep us posted on how things are going for both of you, we will try to think of further advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
She can't handle the thought of me with another woman. I don't want to hurt her.
Then don't. You know starting another relationship is going to hurt her. So don't do it.


Please don't be rude or nasty I'm just looking for advice no judgement.
I'm guessing (based on past experience on forums) that advice not to your liking will be judged as judgment, rudeness, or nastiness. But I think you're looking for a magic pill, some words or system or technique that is going to allow you to do what you want and make her suddenly happy about it.

That's unlikely to happen. She's uncomfortable with it. She's unhappy with it. Do some reading on the yahoo list for mono spouses of those who dropped the poly bomb, or on the Living as a Single Secondary group on fetlife. I don't see many of these people moving toward great joy in this.

I'd say at best, they come to some balance with it after time, but my guess from all the reading I've done is that even then there's an underlying sense of resentment in knowing that this was really pushed on them and their ultimate choice was accept it or leave--in other words, how they felt and the pain it caused them were, ultimately, not factors.

There is no magic pill. She hurts. She's going to continue hurting. So you have to make your choice whether to continue on a path that is painful to her.
 
I agree with GalaGirl and not with WhatHappened.

You can't live your life for someone else. I know lots of poly people will marry and attempt monogamy. Just like, still today but more in the past, gay people would date, try to have sex with, and marry a person of the opposite sex, or a transgender person would try and live as the shape of their genitals dictated, but not as the gender their brain and every fiber of their being told them. Just to "fit in." Just to avoid discrimination, pain, shaming, fear, hatred, violent assault, etc etc.

Ethical non-monogamy is rather a new concept. So many of us polys will marry and force ourselves to cleave unto one husband or wife, forsaking all others. It's the social (and religious) default.

Naturally mono people will never truly understand the pain that causes a poly person. Just like I can never truly understand the pain a transgender person goes thru in a trans-phobic society. (I am bi, genderqueer and cis-gendered, but not trans.)

You'd think lesbians, gays and bisexual people would cut naturally poly people some slack! They've gone thru a lot of the same bigotry and emotion because of their alternative sexual preferences that poly people are now going thru.

But sadly, gays and lesbians can be just as threatened by polyamory as any vanilla straight person.

As GG said, give it some time. Explore why your wife "hates" your polyamory so much. Maybe it's just shock to have it out in the open, even though you say she admits she always knew it anyway.

She is fearful. It's a big unknown. Like most people she is probably afraid if she consents to opening that door, she will lose you. Mono people don't get that a poly person can love more than one. If you declared you were poly, and then left her for the next model, you wouldn't be poly. You'd be a serial monogamist!

Maybe you can gradually get her to talk about her specific fears. There are books and websites that can help. More Than Two is a website and a book. Opening Up is a book for formerly mono couples to explore ethical non-monogamy.

Don't attempt to convince her she should explore poly for herself too. Don't attempt to convince her you can have a hot threesome. She can be mono, you can be poly. It can work out for some couples.

On the other hand, it may not work out and you may need to split. But you're not doing this with intent to harm. It's your nature. We only live once. It's shitty to share decades with a person who doesn't accept your whole nature.

I feel strongly about this because I am poly by nature but lived mono with my ex husband for 30 years. He always knew. I always tried to downplay it. He was jealous and felt threatened anyway. I never cheated physically but I got crushes on others. I felt evil and like there was something wrong with me. All those years. I do not recommend living like that. It's soul killing.
 
I'm a married bi-female and my husband is also bi. I've only been in one monogamous relationship in my life; the rest have been open (but not in an ethical way). The relationship I have with my husband is the first ethical open relationship I've been in. We've been open from day one. But it's hard and all those emotions that a lot of people in this lifestyle try to deny, exist. She may need time and constant reassurance at first. Jealousy, insecurity, anxiety, etc. are all natural emotions. To be fair to her, she might have suspected but didn't know for certain what the cost of admission was. You knew what the price was for her. Would she have married you if she had known? So yes, you should work on her time-table. Could the two of you date the same person?
 
I agree with GalaGirl and not with WhatHappened.


Naturally mono people will never truly understand the pain that causes a poly person. Just like I can never truly understand the pain a transgender person goes thru in a trans-phobic society. (I am bi, genderqueer and cis-gendered, but not trans.)

You'd think lesbians, gays and bisexual people would cut naturally poly people some slack! They've gone thru a lot of the same bigotry and emotion because of their alternative sexual preferences that poly people are now going thru.

But sadly, gays and lesbians can be just as threatened by polyamory as any vanilla straight person.

As GG said, give it some time. Explore why your wife "hates" your polyamory so much. Maybe it's just shock to have it out in the open, even though you say she admits she always knew it anyway.

She is fearful. It's a big unknown. Like most people she is probably afraid if she consents to opening that door, she will lose you. Mono people don't get that a poly person can love more than one. If you declared you were poly, and then left her for the next model, you wouldn't be poly. You'd be a serial monogamist!

Maybe you can gradually get her to talk about her specific fears. There are books and websites that can help. More Than Two is a website and a book. Opening Up is a book for formerly mono couples to explore ethical non-monogamy.

Don't attempt to convince her she should explore poly for herself too. Don't attempt to convince her you can have a hot threesome. She can be mono, you can be poly. It can work out for some couples.

On the other hand, it may not work out and you may need to split. But you're not doing this with intent to harm. It's your nature. We only live once. It's shitty to share decades with a person who doesn't accept your whole nature.

I feel strongly about this because I am poly by nature but lived mono with my ex husband for 30 years. He always knew. I always tried to downplay it. He was jealous and felt threatened anyway. I never cheated physically but I got crushes on others. I felt evil and like there was something wrong with me. All those years. I do not recommend living like that. It's soul killing.

It's true that we may not understand the pain caused to a poly spouse, inversely, the poly spouse has no understanding of the pain caused to the mono spouse by such a revelation. Personally, I think that successful mono/poly relationships are rare at best, if not a myth altogether.

Why would gays & lesbians naturally cut poly folk slack? Just because each of those groups is in the minority, their tenets have nothing to do with one another. You might as well say that Muslims in the US should be natural allies with gays & lesbians, since they both deal with bigotry.

As to the classic misconception about what we monos are "afraid of", it goes much, MUCH deeper than a fear of losing our partner. Now, since we may not understand what makes a poly tick, we get that our partner wants us, as well as any new partners. What we, I think, ultimately fear, is getting lost in the crowd, and being treated as though we're not as important to our partner as we once were. And that plays out noticeably once time spent with them is cut severely in favor of someone new. In my case, I wasn't worried that my wife would leave me, but rather, that I saw it as extremely unfair that my place gets reduced to the guy who pays her bills, while someone else gets all of the positive attention.

Think of it this way... Imagine a child of divorced parents. Maybe mom (or dad) works her ass off to put food on the table, drives the kids to school, doctor's appointments, etc... And in comes dad out of nowhere & gives the kid a car. Deadbeat dad looks like a hero, while mom's efforts go virtually unnoticed. It's kinda like that.
 
It's true that we may not understand the pain caused to a poly spouse, inversely, the poly spouse has no understanding of the pain caused to the mono spouse by such a revelation. Personally, I think that successful mono/poly relationships are rare at best, if not a myth altogether.

Why would gays & lesbians naturally cut poly folk slack? Just because each of those groups is in the minority, their tenets have nothing to do with one another. You might as well say that Muslims in the US should be natural allies with gays & lesbians, since they both deal with bigotry.

As to the classic misconception about what we monos are "afraid of", it goes much, MUCH deeper than a fear of losing our partner. Now, since we may not understand what makes a poly tick, we get that our partner wants us, as well as any new partners. What we, I think, ultimately fear, is getting lost in the crowd, and being treated as though we're not as important to our partner as we once were. And that plays out noticeably once time spent with them is cut severely in favor of someone new. In my case, I wasn't worried that my wife would leave me, but rather, that I saw it as extremely unfair that my place gets reduced to the guy who pays her bills, while someone else gets all of the positive attention.

Think of it this way... Imagine a child of divorced parents. Maybe mom (or dad) works her ass off to put food on the table, drives the kids to school, doctor's appointments, etc... And in comes dad out of nowhere & gives the kid a car. Deadbeat dad looks like a hero, while mom's efforts go virtually unnoticed. It's kinda like that.

Bam. That's it. It even effects less mono people. I'm always afraid that I'll be the one taken for granted. It's so simple. And this is why my husband and I are ok with a hierarchy. We are the most important people to each other. I come first as does he.
 
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As someone who is rather rabidly independent with every intent of staying that way (just so you guys know I'm at least aware of my bias, even if I'm not willing to adjust for it)...

It's not really anyone's job to police their partners' reactions and emotions. Have concern for them, and empathy, sure, but it is a person's job to manage their own emotions and choices. This goes for both sides of the equation:

- Partner A can't make someone else okay with monogamy
- Partner B can't make someone else okay with non-monogamy

In my opinion, you are not obligated to keep the same relationship parameters forever, just because you started that way. You, an individual, can choose to renegotiate how your relationships function if the current forms are not fulfilling you in some way. You have the right to the kind of relationship you want: just as your partner has the right to the kind of relationship they want. Sometimes, a middle ground can be reached happily, and sometimes the change means the relationship is no longer viable.

However. If the partner chooses to accept the "new normal" and not end the relationship, that is ultimately their choice. This is where communication is important, I think. I'm a big believer that putting limitations on another person is wrong. For example, I might be able to request that my current partner use a condom with anyone else he sleeps with, but whether he does or not is his choice- not mine. What I can choose is that I will not have sex with someone who does not use a barrier method with me. My behaviour, my choice. If my partner chooses no condom it does means no sex with me, but they can go find someone else to sex with who might not care as much about barrier protection. That is their choice to make.

Similarly, I can let my partner know that if I find someone I am interested in, I am going to pursue that as I am someone who can love more that one person at a time. My behaviour, my choice. I may be happy to negotiate/renegotiate what the particulars look like- what kind of protection is used, if I bring other partners home, etc- but anything I agree to is at heart a choice I am making for myself, even if someone is asking me to make it. I choose to adhere to their request, or not. Even if it is a hard, uncomfortable choice.

In my personal view, placing blame on another person for a choice you made is a childish way to avoid dealing with the difficulties and responsibilities of adult relationships.

EG:
"Partner said they wanted to do This New Thing" (their choice)
"Partner said they would not be able to continue a relationship if they do not do This New Thing" (their choice)
"I want to continue to be in a relationship with Partner" (your choice)
"I agreed to This New Thing" (your choice)
"And now I'm unhappy!" (your choice)
"Partner made me unhappy!" (false statement)

Or, alternately:
"I want to do This New Thing" (your choice)
"Partner said they will not continue a relationship with me if I do This New Thing" (Partner's choice)
"I want to continue to be in a relationship with Partner" (your choice)
"I agreed not do This New Thing" (your choice)
"And now I am unhappy!" (your choice)
"Partner made me unhappy!" (false statement)

I can choose to do my best to make it easier for my partner(s), choose to give them the support they need in the way they would like to be supported... but in the end, the ultimate decision on how they are going to react is theirs, and not mine, to own.
 
It's true that we may not understand the pain caused to a poly spouse, inversely, the poly spouse has no understanding of the pain caused to the mono spouse by such a revelation. Personally, I think that successful mono/poly relationships are rare at best, if not a myth altogether.

I guess you haven't read much on this board, because there are plenty of mono/poly relationship members here. I've had relationships with single mono men myself. Bluebird, who posts daily in her blog here, is a hinge in a V with 2 mono men. They live together. YouAreHere is mono, and her bf has like 3 gfs. They've worked it out. He lives with her on the weekends. Dagferi has two husbands and lives with each half the week. Those are just 4 examples that immediately come to mind.

Why would gays & lesbians naturally cut poly folk slack? Just because each of those groups is in the minority, their tenets have nothing to do with one another. You might as well say that Muslims in the US should be natural allies with gays & lesbians, since they both deal with bigotry.

I do wish that, actually! That all oppressed minorities would bond with each other and team up for minority rights.

As to the classic misconception about what we monos are "afraid of", it goes much, MUCH deeper than a fear of losing our partner. Now, since we may not understand what makes a poly tick, we get that our partner wants us, as well as any new partners. What we, I think, ultimately fear, is getting lost in the crowd, and being treated as though we're not as important to our partner as we once were. And that plays out noticeably once time spent with them is cut severely in favor of someone new. In my case, I wasn't worried that my wife would leave me, but rather, that I saw it as extremely unfair that my place gets reduced to the guy who pays her bills, while someone else gets all of the positive attention.

Well, that's her being a bad hinge in your V. I don't support that at all, of course.

But if you two were co-dependent in an unhealthy way, no friends besides each other, perhaps it was a good thing to open the relationship. "S/he's my whole world!" doesn't fly here. I am sure it can feel uncomfortable at first to "lose status" and make new friends, pursue your hobbies more independently, but you won't convince me that independence is always bad.

It's OK to be dependent on your mom when you're a nursing baby or toddler, but adults don't need to treat our wife like "Mommy," who meets our every need, every day. This is common in our culture though, for men to act like little boys with their wives. My own ex husband did... he was so bitter when we had 3 kids in 5 years and got less of my attention for a while!


Think of it this way... Imagine a child of divorced parents. Maybe mom (or dad) works her ass off to put food on the table, drives the kids to school, doctor's appointments, etc... And in comes dad out of nowhere & gives the kid a car. Deadbeat dad looks like a hero, while mom's efforts go virtually unnoticed. It's kinda like that.

I am sure this can happen during the NRE phase... It's pretty overwhelming, especially for new polys. But once that passes, or if it is recognised early on and dealt with, the newer lover becomes a stable feature of one's life. There needn't be any "competition" between lovers, there CAN be balance!
 
Mono/Poly relationships can work just fine

I have been in one for 5 yrs. I am equally intertwined with both my men. I own homes with both, pay bills with both, vacation with both, hell I own pets with both. The only thing I don't have with both is children. That's only because I didn't meet Murf til my late thirties.

It does take a balancing act and partners who do not need to be attached at the hip. Plus an understanding that sometimes life happens an time has to ebb and flow I need to remember that one myself after Butch's work schedule ruining my plans to go to my other home. Mainly his failure to put up his work schedule correctly on the family calender.
 
But if you two were co-dependent in an unhealthy way, no friends besides each other, perhaps it was a good thing to open the relationship. "S/he's my whole world!" doesn't fly here. I am sure it can feel uncomfortable at first to "lose status" and make new friends, pursue your hobbies more independently, but you won't convince me that independence is always bad.

It's OK to be dependent on your mom when you're a nursing baby or toddler, but adults don't need to treat our wife like "Mommy," who meets our every need, every day. This is common in our culture though, for men to act like little boys with their wives. My own ex husband did... he was so bitter when we had 3 kids in 5 years and got less of my attention for a while!
!

I'm not sure you're aware of this but everytime this guy posts his opinion/experience you either imply or directly tell him he was in some unhealthy codependent relationship. And every time he has to come and correct the record. Please present your evidence. I'm home sick and don't feel like reading though all his post to either prove or disprove your persistent claim. Why:confused:

And by the way NRE is real. And bad / horrible behavior under the influence I sn't the the unicorn rarity. Kathy (lab ) whatever the author of poly hell wasnt writing about some one off situation that never ever happens Or it only happens to the poor dumb fucks that have mommy dependance issues. Let's not kid anyone being treated like the old shoe happens. You call it being a bad hinge. Yeah bad hinge behavior is out there. Theres plenty of testimonial right here to back that up.


Also I'd love to see the survival rate for marriages in which the poly bomb was dropped. And also the poly/mono marriage rate. IMO it's rather low. I wish I would have made list all the ones I talked to over the yrs that have failed. If I feel better I'll try to generate a list....just to give balance to the discussion.
This also brings up a topic I've discussed on a few threads before is Settling and Cobbling and the complexity of all that.
 
I'm not sure you're aware of this but everytime this guy posts his opinion/experience you either imply or directly tell him he was in some unhealthy codependent relationship. And every time he has to come and correct the record. Please present your evidence. I'm home sick and don't feel like reading though all his post to either prove or disprove your persistent claim. Why:confused:

You're home sick but are challenging me to go through all of his posts? Dude, I'm doing chemotherapy for cancer.

Ahem.

It is my recollection he had no friends except his wife.

And by the way NRE is real. And bad / horrible behavior under the influence I sn't the the unicorn rarity. Kathy (lab ) whatever the author of poly hell wasnt writing about some one off situation that never ever happens Or it only happens to the poor dumb fucks that have mommy dependance issues. Let's not kid anyone being treated like the old shoe happens. You call it being a bad hinge. Yeah bad hinge behavior is out there. Theres plenty of testimonial right here to back that up.


Also I'd love to see the survival rate for marriages in which the poly bomb was dropped. And also the poly/mono marriage rate. IMO it's rather low. I wish I would have made list all the ones I talked to over the yrs that have failed. If I feel better I'll try to generate a list....just to give balance to the discussion.
This also brings up a topic I've discussed on a few threads before is Settling and Cobbling and the complexity of all that.

Take some Nyquil and get some rest, hon. ;)
 
Excellent point .:eek: ....sorry not thinking right ....how's that going by the way?
If anyone can kick cancers ass it's you :D.
 
Why would gays & lesbians naturally cut poly folk slack? Just because each of those groups is in the minority, their tenets have nothing to do with one another.
Back in 1980, in Minneapolis/Saint Paul at least, homosexual males & homosexual females had very little to do with each other. Each group had its own hangouts, social events, activist groups, & lifestyles. The University of Minnesota had student groups, the long-established University Gay Community (entirely male) & the upstart University Lesbians.

My fiancee & me, having inherited the new Neopagan/Wiccan student group (first in the nation, btw), figured that we should try to build bridges, seeing as how a significant minority of our membership was openly gay, lesbian, or bi. We found both UGC & UL to be warm & welcoming.

From that & dozens of other bridges, UGC eventually became ULGC (though UL remained to focus on issues of gender equality).

Then the darned bisexuals started organizing. At first, the members of ULGC & similar were concerned that those who had the privilege of hiding "under cover" of heterosexuality would dilute issues that directly affected homosexuals. Soon enough, though, they realized that plenty of their members were to some degree closeted, & rapprochement was achieved.

...until people identifying as "queer" began to coalesce, & there we went again. ;)

Around 1982, a few lesbians began to speak up to their fellows about having a right to enjoy BDSM, nonmonogamy, & sex qua sex in general. Until then, the political line had been to a sort of hippie normalcy: quiet monogamy, vegetarianism, minimal drinking, social-center dances, coffeehouses. (The gays, meanwhile, had big clubs, bathhouses, wild parties, lots of drugs, & sex in the parks with random strangers.)

Sex-positive feminism was widely seen as an oxymoron. Those women who defended BDSM were commonly denounced as "giving in to patriarchalist thinking" & suchlike; the pro-sex faction didn't fare much better. But they kept at it. In 1984, On Our Backs was launched, specifically to set a standard for lesbian-audience porn. (They were (of course) denounced by Off Our Backs as "pseudo-feminist.") By 1985, the founders had moved into porn film, with Fatale Video.

When we began to live our lives as openly poly, we got a LOT of positives from the homosexuals, bisexuals, & Neopagans, not to mention swingers & Naturists & Unitarians.

And clearly any statement that "stuff like that ain't gonna happen" is someone talking out their... um, hat. :D
 
The AIDS epidemic throughout the 80s created an enormous need and opportunity for homosexual men and women to socially and politically coalesce, whereas before they had merely coexisted. Younger people born during or after the 80s might not understand the social magnitude of that crisis, but the social and health conditions around AIDS brought a lot of "outliers" together that previously had no pressing need and no way to organize and come together. AIDS and the ensuing political response of the newly unified gay community was an enormous factor in the following sea change of public acceptance. The AIDS crisis changed everything for all sexual orientations and proclivities beyond hetero mono vanilla.
 
We are a lesbian couple, we've been married 2 years this month. I've recently told her and she said she always knew it was my kind of lifestyle. She hates it though and we don't really know what to do. I feel like a part of me has been missing since I tried to be mono but I love my wife and want her to be happy too. At first she said she would try it (while crying) and then changed her mind and said she couldn't do it. She can't handle the thought of me with another woman. I don't want to hurt her. Any advice? Please don't be rude or nasty I'm just looking for advice no judgement.

Back in 1980, in Minneapolis/Saint Paul at least, homosexual males & homosexual females had very little to do with each other. Each group had its own hangouts, social events, activist groups, & lifestyles. The University of Minnesota had student groups, the long-established University Gay Community (entirely male) & the upstart University Lesbians.

My fiancee & me, having inherited the new Neopagan/Wiccan student group (first in the nation, btw), figured that we should try to build bridges, seeing as how a significant minority of our membership was openly gay, lesbian, or bi. We found both UGC & UL to be warm & welcoming.

From that & dozens of other bridges, UGC eventually became ULGC (though UL remained to focus on issues of gender equality).

Then the darned bisexuals started organizing. At first, the members of ULGC & similar were concerned that those who had the privilege of hiding "under cover" of heterosexuality would dilute issues that directly affected homosexuals. Soon enough, though, they realized that plenty of their members were to some degree closeted, & rapprochement was achieved.

...until people identifying as "queer" began to coalesce, & there we went again. ;)

Around 1982, a few lesbians began to speak up to their fellows about having a right to enjoy BDSM, nonmonogamy, & sex qua sex in general. Until then, the political line had been to a sort of hippie normalcy: quiet monogamy, vegetarianism, minimal drinking, social-center dances, coffeehouses. (The gays, meanwhile, had big clubs, bathhouses, wild parties, lots of drugs, & sex in the parks with random strangers.)

Sex-positive feminism was widely seen as an oxymoron. Those women who defended BDSM were commonly denounced as "giving in to patriarchalist thinking" & suchlike; the pro-sex faction didn't fare much better. But they kept at it. In 1984, On Our Backs was launched, specifically to set a standard for lesbian-audience porn. (They were (of course) denounced by Off Our Backs as "pseudo-feminist.") By 1985, the founders had moved into porn film, with Fatale Video.

When we began to live our lives as openly poly, we got a LOT of positives from the homosexuals, bisexuals, & Neopagans, not to mention swingers & Naturists & Unitarians.

And clearly any statement that "stuff like that ain't gonna happen" is someone talking out their... um, hat. :D

So I guess you're saying YES gays and lesbians or any alternative sexual community should cut poly folks slack. ??? Or is this just the basic summary of the differences of how each group thinks ?? How does this help the op deal with her spouse ?
 
We are a lesbian couple, we've been married 2 years this month. I've recently told her and she said she always knew it was my kind of lifestyle. She hates it though and we don't really know what to do. I feel like a part of me has been missing since I tried to be mono but I love my wife and want her to be happy too. At first she said she would try it (while crying) and then changed her mind and said she couldn't do it. She can't handle the thought of me with another woman. I don't want to hurt her. Any advice? Please don't be rude or nasty I'm just looking for advice no judgement.

Referring to the title you gave this thread, I have to say that most of the time when people ask "how can I make it easier for my partner?" what they really mean is "how can I make it easier to get what I want?" or "how can I convince them to let me have this?"

Sure, you feel like a part of you is missing, but your wife has every right not to accept or consent to a polyamorous arrangement. So, it will take some more talking and I highly advise you do so without pushing for your own agenda! If she is willing, then gently explore what the options are and discuss possibilities without being attached to having your way. She should be able to feel safe and secure enough to be able to say NO. You may even reach the conclusion that you don't need other relationships to be happy, if your wife would be miserable about it. You don't know what the outcome will be now, but DON'T rush the process, whatever you do. Besides, you can both gain a great deal of insight, self-knowledge, and deeper intimacy together if you keep any agenda out of the discussions.

It's like cooking a meal. The gathering and preparation of ingredients takes the most time, focus, and energy, and is the most important part - while the actual cooking is relatively quick. At some point, both of you will have to make a choice, and that will happen in an instant. The hardest and most important part of this process is the work of giving all your attention and heart to the communication, compassion, and caring for each other that leads up to that point.
 
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Back in 1980, in Minneapolis/Saint Paul at least, homosexual males & homosexual females had very little to do with each other. Each group had its own hangouts, social events, activist groups, & lifestyles. The University of Minnesota had student groups, the long-established University Gay Community (entirely male) & the upstart University Lesbians.

My fiancee & me, having inherited the new Neopagan/Wiccan student group (first in the nation, btw), figured that we should try to build bridges, seeing as how a significant minority of our membership was openly gay, lesbian, or bi. We found both UGC & UL to be warm & welcoming.

From that & dozens of other bridges, UGC eventually became ULGC (though UL remained to focus on issues of gender equality).

Then the darned bisexuals started organizing. At first, the members of ULGC & similar were concerned that those who had the privilege of hiding "under cover" of heterosexuality would dilute issues that directly affected homosexuals. Soon enough, though, they realized that plenty of their members were to some degree closeted, & rapprochement was achieved.

...until people identifying as "queer" began to coalesce, & there we went again. ;)

Around 1982, a few lesbians began to speak up to their fellows about having a right to enjoy BDSM, nonmonogamy, & sex qua sex in general. Until then, the political line had been to a sort of hippie normalcy: quiet monogamy, vegetarianism, minimal drinking, social-center dances, coffeehouses. (The gays, meanwhile, had big clubs, bathhouses, wild parties, lots of drugs, & sex in the parks with random strangers.)

Sex-positive feminism was widely seen as an oxymoron. Those women who defended BDSM were commonly denounced as "giving in to patriarchalist thinking" & suchlike; the pro-sex faction didn't fare much better. But they kept at it. In 1984, On Our Backs was launched, specifically to set a standard for lesbian-audience porn. (They were (of course) denounced by Off Our Backs as "pseudo-feminist.") By 1985, the founders had moved into porn film, with Fatale Video.

When we began to live our lives as openly poly, we got a LOT of positives from the homosexuals, bisexuals, & Neopagans, not to mention swingers & Naturists & Unitarians.

And clearly any statement that "stuff like that ain't gonna happen" is someone talking out their... um, hat. :D

So I guess you're saying YES gays and lesbians or any alternative sexual community should cut poly folks slack. ??? Or is this just the basic summary of the differences of how each group thinks ?? How does this help the op deal with her spouse ?

I thought it was a very cool story about how unity between "unrelated" groups can happen. Suspicion and distrust and "othering" can morph into a united front, to make more good things happen for all. More rights for all.
 
It's a fine story in a wide general sense but in the specific are you telling the mono lesbian she's wrong for wanting a solo dynamic with her spouse based broader rainbow flag and more rights for all. How dare she call herself a lesbian with such a closed mind :D
 
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