Ok. Please bear with me. I'm writing this as much to try to understand what is happening here, as I am to get input on this situation.
Background:
I'm in an N relationship structure, where I'm one of the tails. I am involved with my SO, who is involved with another woman (M), who is also involved with another woman (MSO).
Me -- SO -- M -- MSO
I have kids, SO has one but doesn't live with them, M has none, and MSO has kids. SO and I are more nesting than SO and M, and from what I can tell, M and MSO are nesting too. I have made it clear from day one that I'm not just looking for a boyfriend, but a life partner. The kind of deeper relationship with someone, where you are sharing life goals, establishing roots, etc. I was married previously (the kids are a "product" of that... not sure if product is the right word there), and I know that while I can be with multiple people, I really am more one deep relationship with other more flexible/casual relationships. Not saying that it's not possible that I could have a deep relationship with more than one at the same time, just that I do tend to strongly pair bond. I don't think my SO is quite this way, that he could perhaps establish more equally deep relationships with two or three at once, but he is also after deep connection more than casual. Not that he doesn't like casual, you know, for fun and excitement ....
Schedulewise, I have 4 days a week with my SO, and M has 2. The other day is SO's free day to do what he wants - 90% of the time he ends up spending it with me. Other than the 2 that M has with SO, she spends most of the rest of her time with MSO, as far as I know. The original schedule was kinda drawn up by SO and M, based on the days that M has free time. In her words: "These are the days that I cleared in my schedule so that he could spend time with me if he wished." I was then shown this schedule, after they'd talked it over to OK. At the time, I was a little bit annoyed that I was kinda just left out of the original discussions about this, but the schedule did offer me more time, so I didn't want to seem like I was just nitpicking. I did however ask that these sort of decisions not be decided without actually involving me early on in the process. I said that I didn't like feeling like I didn't have a say, that my life was being decided/directed for me, which the way this was handled - that's how it felt a little.
OK, so that's the background.
The Situation:
Over recent months a pattern has developed - when M wants to do things with SO on days that it was decided were days he was spending with me, SO informs me that M wants a day for XYZ, or that she's received an invite and has asked him to go. Pretty much all communication of plans is done through SO to M, and vice-versa. This hasn't always been the case, but for some reason, it just seems to have become the norm. When I noticed this happening, I started mentioning that I'd really like it if M talked to me about these things and not just go through him. Mostly to him, though I'm pretty sure I've also said this to M on more than one occasion too.
While these times weren't in the realm of "Oh my god, this is really fucking irritating", I did have concerns that M was not actually talking to me about these plans. Firstly, SO has had issues with feeling he's being pulled in two directions previously, and I didn't want him to keep being the go-between. Secondly, again it basically came across as being told that this was the plan, and I didn't like the position it put me where I'd potentially have to say "No, I'd rather you didn't go with your girlfriend to XYZ, because I had plans". That is a sucky position to be in. Thirdly, to be honest, SO couldn't organise his way out of a plastic bag even if his life depended on it. He has attention/memory/organisation issues. He tries really REALLY hard to remember to tell me stuff, but he still mucks up. It would be just so much better for everyone if everyone was involved in planning these things, so at least for my part, I'd actually know what time approx I was going to see my partner, and SO doesn't feel like shit for things he actually finds difficult. Finally, it kinda smacks of someone not actually giving a shit about their partner's other relationship, and the impact they may be having on it. Maybe this last one is unfair, but to be honest, I'm starting to wonder stuff like this more and more these days. Probably something I should work on.
Well, then this happened: M received an invite in Nov to an event that is on the beginning of March. The event falls on one of the days that SO spends with me. She asked both SO and MSO if they wanted to come. SO mentioned this to me, but he didn't know the details. I went, well I guess so, but can you find out more details please? It turned out that the event was some distance away, so they would have to overnight. I get informed of this, that he'll be back sometime midafternoon the next day, which also happens to be one of "my" days. Then... well apparently there are discussions with M and MSO, about travelling and something about maybe needing to travel the day before? I ask SO for more info, because... oh look... that's ANOTHER day that is "my" time with SO. It is now mid Feburary, and I am possibly having 3 days that I'd be spending with my SO being planned over. My SO is trying to keep me informed about things, but he is clearly not the one planning this trip, and I've been told by him more than once "I don't know, but I'll ask". Oh and then I realise that NOT ONCE has M talked to me. Not once, in over 2 months has she mentioned it, or even checked if I might have had plans, or anything.
So I finally went "Nope, this isn't OK", and I had a talk with her last week. I mentioned that I really REALLY needed her to actually communicate with me about these things, cause now it looks like I am losing a good chunk of time that I would think I could safely assume is my scheduled time. And I still don't even know if we are swapping days, or what time roughly my partner is going to be absent - which, when he's actually a part of a family? That's a bigger deal. She literally said in response, "I don't think I should have to talk to you about these sort of plans." I pointed out a lot of the stuff that I discussed above, that yes, I agree that my SO should be talking to me, but that it wasn't just his responsiblity to make this poly thing work. That we need communication, and that to be honest, I kinda feel like she's shitting on my relationship by basically ignoring that these plans are seriously impacting my time with my partner. (Ok, yeah, that last part probably wasn't helpful. :s) In the end, she got really snarky, went "Fine. I will tell you everything. All of it. Every single little thing we get up to." Then she up and left. I have received one message from her since then about the timing, which I thanked her for, and I asked about whether there were discussions about days being swapped. She has informed me she will discuss it with SO next time she sees him. So that's a... well... at least I'm now getting the info I need. But given the way the conversation went down, and the fact it looks like she's partially blocked me on FB now... I don't really feel this turned out a win/win situation.
So yeah. Yes, I recognise that if I had approached her earlier, a lot of this would not have happened... But these "planning things for days that my SO is usually with me" moments have never been this major before, so wasn't fully expecting to hear this attitude from her. Especially when I thought she'd agreed that open communication between us was a good thing previously. A single day where I'm not approached can easily be put down to "sorry, I just forgot", or similar... but this situation? OMG! And the fact that she basically told me that she doesn't think she should even talk to me about these plans? That it should all just be SO's responsibility to talk to me? That just seems so not ok, especially as given his issues, it's like setting him up for a fall! Just seems so unfair to put him in that position.
I am more than willing to change how I deal with this sort of issue - be more proactive for example instead of waiting for her to contact me... But I don't think this is all just my shit, or failure of communication on the part of my SO. Especially when M pretty much insinuated that I was blaming her for problems I have with SO (even though our relationship is the strongest its ever been, and we are actually communicating better than we ever have before), and wouldn't even acknowledge the possibility that she may also have been a little less helpful in this situation.
Thoughts? Advice? Just... Jeeze this poly thing can be really freckin' hard to do! :s
Background:
I'm in an N relationship structure, where I'm one of the tails. I am involved with my SO, who is involved with another woman (M), who is also involved with another woman (MSO).
Me -- SO -- M -- MSO
I have kids, SO has one but doesn't live with them, M has none, and MSO has kids. SO and I are more nesting than SO and M, and from what I can tell, M and MSO are nesting too. I have made it clear from day one that I'm not just looking for a boyfriend, but a life partner. The kind of deeper relationship with someone, where you are sharing life goals, establishing roots, etc. I was married previously (the kids are a "product" of that... not sure if product is the right word there), and I know that while I can be with multiple people, I really am more one deep relationship with other more flexible/casual relationships. Not saying that it's not possible that I could have a deep relationship with more than one at the same time, just that I do tend to strongly pair bond. I don't think my SO is quite this way, that he could perhaps establish more equally deep relationships with two or three at once, but he is also after deep connection more than casual. Not that he doesn't like casual, you know, for fun and excitement ....
Schedulewise, I have 4 days a week with my SO, and M has 2. The other day is SO's free day to do what he wants - 90% of the time he ends up spending it with me. Other than the 2 that M has with SO, she spends most of the rest of her time with MSO, as far as I know. The original schedule was kinda drawn up by SO and M, based on the days that M has free time. In her words: "These are the days that I cleared in my schedule so that he could spend time with me if he wished." I was then shown this schedule, after they'd talked it over to OK. At the time, I was a little bit annoyed that I was kinda just left out of the original discussions about this, but the schedule did offer me more time, so I didn't want to seem like I was just nitpicking. I did however ask that these sort of decisions not be decided without actually involving me early on in the process. I said that I didn't like feeling like I didn't have a say, that my life was being decided/directed for me, which the way this was handled - that's how it felt a little.
OK, so that's the background.
The Situation:
Over recent months a pattern has developed - when M wants to do things with SO on days that it was decided were days he was spending with me, SO informs me that M wants a day for XYZ, or that she's received an invite and has asked him to go. Pretty much all communication of plans is done through SO to M, and vice-versa. This hasn't always been the case, but for some reason, it just seems to have become the norm. When I noticed this happening, I started mentioning that I'd really like it if M talked to me about these things and not just go through him. Mostly to him, though I'm pretty sure I've also said this to M on more than one occasion too.
While these times weren't in the realm of "Oh my god, this is really fucking irritating", I did have concerns that M was not actually talking to me about these plans. Firstly, SO has had issues with feeling he's being pulled in two directions previously, and I didn't want him to keep being the go-between. Secondly, again it basically came across as being told that this was the plan, and I didn't like the position it put me where I'd potentially have to say "No, I'd rather you didn't go with your girlfriend to XYZ, because I had plans". That is a sucky position to be in. Thirdly, to be honest, SO couldn't organise his way out of a plastic bag even if his life depended on it. He has attention/memory/organisation issues. He tries really REALLY hard to remember to tell me stuff, but he still mucks up. It would be just so much better for everyone if everyone was involved in planning these things, so at least for my part, I'd actually know what time approx I was going to see my partner, and SO doesn't feel like shit for things he actually finds difficult. Finally, it kinda smacks of someone not actually giving a shit about their partner's other relationship, and the impact they may be having on it. Maybe this last one is unfair, but to be honest, I'm starting to wonder stuff like this more and more these days. Probably something I should work on.
Well, then this happened: M received an invite in Nov to an event that is on the beginning of March. The event falls on one of the days that SO spends with me. She asked both SO and MSO if they wanted to come. SO mentioned this to me, but he didn't know the details. I went, well I guess so, but can you find out more details please? It turned out that the event was some distance away, so they would have to overnight. I get informed of this, that he'll be back sometime midafternoon the next day, which also happens to be one of "my" days. Then... well apparently there are discussions with M and MSO, about travelling and something about maybe needing to travel the day before? I ask SO for more info, because... oh look... that's ANOTHER day that is "my" time with SO. It is now mid Feburary, and I am possibly having 3 days that I'd be spending with my SO being planned over. My SO is trying to keep me informed about things, but he is clearly not the one planning this trip, and I've been told by him more than once "I don't know, but I'll ask". Oh and then I realise that NOT ONCE has M talked to me. Not once, in over 2 months has she mentioned it, or even checked if I might have had plans, or anything.
So I finally went "Nope, this isn't OK", and I had a talk with her last week. I mentioned that I really REALLY needed her to actually communicate with me about these things, cause now it looks like I am losing a good chunk of time that I would think I could safely assume is my scheduled time. And I still don't even know if we are swapping days, or what time roughly my partner is going to be absent - which, when he's actually a part of a family? That's a bigger deal. She literally said in response, "I don't think I should have to talk to you about these sort of plans." I pointed out a lot of the stuff that I discussed above, that yes, I agree that my SO should be talking to me, but that it wasn't just his responsiblity to make this poly thing work. That we need communication, and that to be honest, I kinda feel like she's shitting on my relationship by basically ignoring that these plans are seriously impacting my time with my partner. (Ok, yeah, that last part probably wasn't helpful. :s) In the end, she got really snarky, went "Fine. I will tell you everything. All of it. Every single little thing we get up to." Then she up and left. I have received one message from her since then about the timing, which I thanked her for, and I asked about whether there were discussions about days being swapped. She has informed me she will discuss it with SO next time she sees him. So that's a... well... at least I'm now getting the info I need. But given the way the conversation went down, and the fact it looks like she's partially blocked me on FB now... I don't really feel this turned out a win/win situation.
So yeah. Yes, I recognise that if I had approached her earlier, a lot of this would not have happened... But these "planning things for days that my SO is usually with me" moments have never been this major before, so wasn't fully expecting to hear this attitude from her. Especially when I thought she'd agreed that open communication between us was a good thing previously. A single day where I'm not approached can easily be put down to "sorry, I just forgot", or similar... but this situation? OMG! And the fact that she basically told me that she doesn't think she should even talk to me about these plans? That it should all just be SO's responsibility to talk to me? That just seems so not ok, especially as given his issues, it's like setting him up for a fall! Just seems so unfair to put him in that position.
I am more than willing to change how I deal with this sort of issue - be more proactive for example instead of waiting for her to contact me... But I don't think this is all just my shit, or failure of communication on the part of my SO. Especially when M pretty much insinuated that I was blaming her for problems I have with SO (even though our relationship is the strongest its ever been, and we are actually communicating better than we ever have before), and wouldn't even acknowledge the possibility that she may also have been a little less helpful in this situation.
Thoughts? Advice? Just... Jeeze this poly thing can be really freckin' hard to do! :s