Ravenscroft
Banned
First, let me make clear that I raise this issue in order to ask questions that have been bugging me (for like 30 years), not to make any pronouncements. There's some very cool people on this site, & I'm hoping that maybe others can finally help me make some sense of it all.
________________
Some background.
Before the term "polyamory" came into vogue, our household (Minneapolis) was in touch with Kerista (San Francisco) & not only subscribed to the PEPtalk newsletter (from a group calling itself Polyfidelitous Educational Products, publishers of The Polyfidelity Primer) but got a few articles & letters published.
Those submissions caused problems, getting us denounced in print as "abusive" & "sex-addicted" & whatnot, because we didn't see why WE had any particular need to have a closed-boundary relationship. (It didn't take hold. )
A few years later, local threesomes were seeking us out for advice. Good people all, but (before we had much of a vocabulary for it all) we could readily see where the problems mostly stemmed from trying to shoehorn another person into a dyad. This was so far away from our ways that we often felt inadequate to address their rather specific needs.
When we hosted discussions, most people there were of the "couple seeking" variety.
The stereotype kept growing. The founding dyad was almost always married... the M "very supportive of me exploring my sexuality" (meaning "trying bi")... the "new girl" would be a decade younger... childfree but hoping to change that... ready to move in (with minimal belongings) soon after sexual intimacy began...
Now, I am really big on mentoring by more-experienced peers. I thus figured it'd be a great idea for the various vees & triads & couples to have their own group, a safe space where they could share their specific issues & experiences with the like-minded.
And it still seems like a good idea.
My admitted bias is that (it seems, to me) couples see each other as the competition. Though their experiences could help others in similar situations, they are reluctant to possibly give some advantage in "the search" because they know (perhaps unconsciously) that the likely pool of suitable "thirds" is quite small, not enough to fill demand for permanent situations much less provide casual dating-around so that the couples might explore the possibilities in a less desperate manner.
________________
One big advantage of the Internet is that triads & seekers are protected by distance AND a little bit of anonymity. They could have that "safe space" I mentioned with very little risk of competing over the same women. Experienced triads & vees could be free to offer valid advice to couples & singles intending polyfi threes.
This site has a really cool feature that seems underutilized, & strikes me as a great place for a "triadic space" to start. That would be Social Groups (under the Community tab at the top of every page). There's like 75 Groups already, with specific focuses & their own discussions away from the main board; the biggest has 256 members.
My thought is that new members to this site seeking advice on how to start, maintain, or debug a triad/vee could be encouraged toward like-minded peers for their specific (& often urgent) needs. There's MFM Vee, but even that sorta flamed out after two threads... but at least they tried.
________________
Phew.
It's a situation I would like to see improved, if possible, & I'd offer any advice I might have if I knew how. If anyone cares to elaborate on the shaky framework, have at.
________________
Some background.
Before the term "polyamory" came into vogue, our household (Minneapolis) was in touch with Kerista (San Francisco) & not only subscribed to the PEPtalk newsletter (from a group calling itself Polyfidelitous Educational Products, publishers of The Polyfidelity Primer) but got a few articles & letters published.
Those submissions caused problems, getting us denounced in print as "abusive" & "sex-addicted" & whatnot, because we didn't see why WE had any particular need to have a closed-boundary relationship. (It didn't take hold. )
A few years later, local threesomes were seeking us out for advice. Good people all, but (before we had much of a vocabulary for it all) we could readily see where the problems mostly stemmed from trying to shoehorn another person into a dyad. This was so far away from our ways that we often felt inadequate to address their rather specific needs.
When we hosted discussions, most people there were of the "couple seeking" variety.
The stereotype kept growing. The founding dyad was almost always married... the M "very supportive of me exploring my sexuality" (meaning "trying bi")... the "new girl" would be a decade younger... childfree but hoping to change that... ready to move in (with minimal belongings) soon after sexual intimacy began...
Now, I am really big on mentoring by more-experienced peers. I thus figured it'd be a great idea for the various vees & triads & couples to have their own group, a safe space where they could share their specific issues & experiences with the like-minded.
And it still seems like a good idea.
My admitted bias is that (it seems, to me) couples see each other as the competition. Though their experiences could help others in similar situations, they are reluctant to possibly give some advantage in "the search" because they know (perhaps unconsciously) that the likely pool of suitable "thirds" is quite small, not enough to fill demand for permanent situations much less provide casual dating-around so that the couples might explore the possibilities in a less desperate manner.
________________
One big advantage of the Internet is that triads & seekers are protected by distance AND a little bit of anonymity. They could have that "safe space" I mentioned with very little risk of competing over the same women. Experienced triads & vees could be free to offer valid advice to couples & singles intending polyfi threes.
This site has a really cool feature that seems underutilized, & strikes me as a great place for a "triadic space" to start. That would be Social Groups (under the Community tab at the top of every page). There's like 75 Groups already, with specific focuses & their own discussions away from the main board; the biggest has 256 members.
My thought is that new members to this site seeking advice on how to start, maintain, or debug a triad/vee could be encouraged toward like-minded peers for their specific (& often urgent) needs. There's MFM Vee, but even that sorta flamed out after two threads... but at least they tried.
________________
Phew.
It's a situation I would like to see improved, if possible, & I'd offer any advice I might have if I knew how. If anyone cares to elaborate on the shaky framework, have at.