Mental Health issues

BlueGray

New member
I am really struggling

Here is the current situation:
I have several mental health diagnoses. I take medication, see a doc and am part of several support groups. I have been stable for the last year and what I am currently doing works for me, at least until a crisis happens. I am in a polyamous relationship with Fox (legal husband) and Raven (boyfriend).

I am married to Fox and we have five children. We are a blended family. Fox's daughter (who I have raised since she was 12) attempted suicide three days ago. She is still in ICU and unresponsive. This caused me to have a lot of triggers and I didn't realize just how much I was not coping until Fox pointed it out to me and said "your mouth is writing checks your ass isn't gonna want to cover later."

Yesterday it was pretty bad. I was cold and clammy and broke out in a sweat several times during the day. I didn't recognize it for what it was but Fox did and so did Raven.

It felt like the other posts I made (on other sites) where met with criticism and made me feel like if I can't handle the anxiety and panic on my own then I am subjecting my Dom's to "my problems" and I am a "bad sub."

After a night in the playroom I feel like I'm in control a bit better now and I know after I see Raven this weekend it will be even better.

I was given a script for PRN anxiety medication but it is a benzo and I am leery to use it as I work in a locked psych ward and know the side affects (addictive) and how hard it can be to get a script refilled for benzo's.

My guys support me 100% so I'm struggling with the nonacceptance that I am receiving in the "poly world" for subject my guys to "my" mental health issues.

All I do know is that I am feeling overwhelmed and out of control :(
 
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My guys support me 100% so I'm struggling with the nonacceptance that I am receiving in the "poly world" for subject my guys to "my" mental health issues.
You're not in a relationship with the 'poly world', you're in a relationship with your partners--and they are supporting you 100%, so that's what matters right now.

Those who would criticize you, would likely criticize everyone. What about someone who has a drinking problem? Or someone with anger issues? Or someone who has trouble with self-worth? It would be easy to say that the partners of people who are affected in this way are 'subjecting' their significant others to undue stress, but that's part of life. No one has a perfect relationship.

You make your guys happy. While it may be hard to believe at times, it's true. If you don't believe me, just ask them. They wouldn't stick around if they were miserable.

Right now you have one thing you need to work on, and that's coping with your own struggles. Just remember to keep communicating. Your guys can only support you when they know what's going on with you. So don't get caught in the trap where you feel you need to 'hide' how you feel. That will only make things worse.

I know it's a cliche, but you really do need to take things one day at a time. You have a LOT going on right now, and you may feel like you have to deal with everything at once--but you don't. If you are having problems handling your panic/anxiety, then you should work on that with the treatment professionals that you are seeing.

If I can make a suggestion... Perhaps you may get some benefit from an online CBT program. There is one called MoodGym that is very good, and could help you get some of your anxiety under control if you have the time to work your way through the program. Give it a look and see what you think.
 
I'm glad you have such supportive partners, and I'm sorry for the BS you've encountered elsewhere. (Been there...) I'm also sorry about Fox's daughter. I hope everything turns out okay.
 
I am so sorry to hear about daughter. I hope she is pulling through ok.

It is totally reasonable in this situation that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. It's a lot to take in! And your child is not out of the woods yet. :(

I see that you have mental health issues of your own that exacerbate or amplify your experience of the situation. Remember to breathe, take it one thing at a time, if you get too full, tell someone.

It felt like the other posts I made (on other sites) where met with criticism and made me feel like if I can't handle the anxiety and panic on my own then I am subjecting my Dom's to "my problems" and I am a "bad sub."

You are taking stranger opinions personally.

Listen to the people close to you -- your partners support your 100%. Are you supporting you by seeking your health team? Taking your own meds?

I'm struggling with the nonacceptance that I am receiving in the "poly world" for subject my guys to "my" mental health issues.

Hon, you did not ask your step daughter to try to kill herself. You did not ask for the mental health things you have that make handling this attempt extra hard on you. It is hard on ALL of you. It happened. That's all. It happened. It does not make any of you "bad" people.

You do not "subject" your partners to your mental health things. They simply happen and you manage them as best you can and your partners are supportive as best they can. It is not like baking cookies and then pushing them on your partners who don't want any cookies. Cookie baking and dispensing is a choice under your control. Having a mental illness flare up is not. For chronic patients, there is no cure, only management. You manage you conditions as best you can.

Do not focus on ignorant remarks from online strangers. Focus on the people who are close to you and know you -- they support you 100%. Your partners want to be with you and they accept you as you are. They understand you didn't ask for these mental health things.

Instead of leaning away from asking your partners to support you because of comments online, lean IN, ask for what you need, offer to help with what you can that they might need. And pull together because your daughter needs you guys.

Do see your health team to help you in this difficult time so you can balance your own self care needs with supporting your stepdaughter appropriately.

One thing at a time.

Galagirl
 
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I've seen some of the reactions BlueGray is talking about. People who complain about those of us with mental illnesses who "burden" our partners, and talk about how *they* depend only on themselves and would never dream of "subjecting a partner to something I should have control over." (That is a direct quote from one of the posts I've seen, and it was from someone else who stated they have mental illnesses.) Unfortunately, even though mental illness is far more understood than in the past, it still carries stigma, and those of us who need support and help from partners as well as professionals are still sometimes condemned for it. Apparently we should all be getting therapy (most do; some can't because of finances or insurance issues) and that therapy should be all we need to live a "normal", functional life without impacting our partners in any way.

Bullshit. Different people have different needs. A therapy that works for one might not work for another. Even those of us who are fortunate enough to be able to access mental health care might not be fortunate enough to have a therapist who's actually competent. And no degree of therapy will negate the need for support and kindness from our loved ones.

Even though it's just words on a screen from strangers who don't matter, when one is already struggling, those words can have a huge impact. I know when I've encountered that type of reaction, my anxiety, which was probably sparked by an incident and has already been compounded by my own fear of my partners bailing on me because I'm "too fucked up", is compounded still further by seeing that *other people* back that fear.

Those reactions are mercifully absent on Polyamory.com, which is one of the reasons I love it here; while we don't all always agree with one another, for the most part the disagreements are kept respectful and focused on the *issues* rather than the people. And the mods are quick to respond when something does cross the line to being personal.

Here's the thing, though... BlueGray, this is particularly toward you. Our partners, whether vanilla or Doms or what, have CHOSEN us. They have ACCEPTED us with all our flaws, all our needs, all our everything that makes us who we are. So GalaGirl is right; the opinions of those online, at the end of the day, don't mean shit. What matters is the people who truly know us, want us, love us--and accept everything that entails. That's something I've been having to wrap my head around lately as well; I know Hubby deals with me and won't leave solely because of my mental illnesses, but since my last boyfriend broke up with me in part, as he stated himself, due to my anxiety attacks, I don't have the same trust in Woody or Bouncer. Woody has been working steadily to convince me that not only does he understand, he *wants* to be a support for me, he *wants* me to go to him with problems even if he's part of the cause, and he will not turn away from me because of my issues. He's upset that I'm afraid to lean on him--not upset with *me*, but with the others, especially my last boyfriend, who have promised not to turn away and then did so. I'm slowly getting there; yesterday when I was struggling, even though he was part of the cause, I reached out to him, and he was nothing but supportive and kind, and at the end said, "I'm glad you called. I hope you're starting to believe me when I say I will be here for you, because I do mean it."

(Sorry for getting ranty. As I said, I've seen some of the negativity, judgment, and outright personal attacks BlueGray is talking about. Aside from my own illnesses, my offspring have mental health issues, as do many of their family members, my parents, a number of my friends, and many of the students I worked with during my teaching career. So the intolerance, judgment, stigma, and outright ignorance some people exhibit on the subject just plain pisses me off.)
 
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I first want to thank everyone for taking the time to offer support, reaffirm what I know in my head but at times forget, and to give me food for thought.

I meet with a crisis counselor and although not my regular counselor we had a good session.

The guys have made it very clear that hiding what I am going through or pretending I'm ok when I'm not is out of the question and they always know, usually before I do, that I am struggling.
 
Hi BlueGray,

I'm very sorry to hear about Fox's daughter. I have my own mental/emotional struggles so I know what it's like to have to depend on other people, in particular those who are closest to me.

I'm sorry to hear how people have been treating you on the other websites. I hope the support you get here helps with that a little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm struggling a lot with my own mental health issues - and in fact, went through hell today feeling like I burden other people. The "should have, would have, could have.." list is a bitch to deal with.

The only consolation I can offer you is that you are not alone in this struggle and there is nothing inherently wrong with you. Others here have put it so elegantly. We are human. We struggle. And we are not responsible for other people's actions.

Feel free to PM if you need to talk. I know you don't know me, but a lot of what you posted resonated with me. I'll share my story with you if it would help. Good luck to you.
 
Some food for thought. Nothing more.

"Americans have been increasingly socialized to equate inattention, anger, anxiety, and immobilizing despair with a medical condition, and to seek medical treatment rather than political remedies. What better way to maintain the status quo than to view inattention, anger, anxiety, and depression as biochemical problems of those who are mentally ill rather than normal reactions to an increasingly authoritarian society?"

http://www.alternet.org/story/15422...sm_is_deemed_a_mental_health_problem?page=0,2

https://youtu.be/gfJpFPNmwCE
 
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I've noticed this tendency in submissives to worry so much about being a burden on their Dom(s). To question whether it makes them a "bad" sub.

Here's the thing, part of what makes a Dom a Dom in the first place is the desire to be needed. To provide the stability support and protection that their sub needs. So if your Dom(s) support you then everything is fine.

Don't let Internet strangers undermine that too many base their views about bdsm on literotica rather than reality.
 
It would be rather difficult for anyone, with or without mental health issues, to not be thrown into turmoil after someone close to them attempts suicide or is in the ICU for any reason. A crisis has its effects, one of which is shock. Don't be too hard on yourself for anything right now.

I am glad your partners are kind and supportive. I am not well-versed in BDsm, so I have no idea how that dynamic can help you, but I hope you can muster enough compassion for yourself to seek out whatever support system feels right. Lean on others if you need to - it's okay.

I think, also, that in troubled times, getting outside and being present with nature (ie., taking a walk and stopping to look at the flowers, feel the breeze, listen to the birdsong, etc.) can be a wonderful mood lifter and a way to renew ourselves and feel connected to the world again. I know it usually helps me, even if I am sobbing during most of it.

(((HUGS)))
 

For some that may bet true but for me it is not. I barely remember anything from my childhood and what I can remember is horrible. I didn't escape the verbal and physical abuse until I moved out when I was 18 and even then the verbal abuse still lingers in the back of my mind.

I've noticed this tendency in submissive to worry so much about being a burden on their Dom(s). To question whether it makes them a "bad" sub.

Here's the thing, part of what makes a Dom a Dom in the first place is the desire to be needed. To provide the stability support and protection that their sub needs. So if your Dom(s) support you then everything is fine.

Don't let Internet strangers undermine that too many base their views about bdsm on literotica rather than reality.

I'm complicated and know better than to listen to those who "go" by a written list of what makes a person submissive and what doesn't. Love Fetlife but it can be a pain in the butt sometimes too!
 
I just wanted to give an update on Fox's daughter.

She is in a regular room now and waiting on a bed in a facility. She has decided that her attempt is my fault and Fox's even though she has been living with my mom for the last 9 months. She has decided to move in with her biological mother. We spent over $20,000 trying to keep custody of her because she told the judge (and us) that her bio mom abused her mentally and emotionally and was never sober between her drinking and drug abuse. Her bio mother has had no contact with her for three years, including when she had to have brain surgery.

I sent her an email and told her for my own mental health I had to step away for now, told her I loved her and wished her happiness in this next chapter in her life.
 
That's harsh. I hope things work out somehow.
 
I am glad she will have a bed in a facility. I hope she takes responsibility for herself there.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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