Confused on how to feel or do

LovelessLiz094

New member
Okay for starters, I am a new member on this forum and I wanted to get some advice from some of you. So me and boyfriend have been living and dating each other for about 9 months now. This past month, a friend from high school contacted him after 2 years of not talking due to some difficult times in the friend's life. So they have been talking a lot, and me being a mono person, I get jealous and feel like I'm the inferior person. Me and my boyfriend love each other a lot that it bursting at the seams. Just 2 days ago, after talking through some issues, he told me that he always wanted multiple partners because he feels that his love can't be contained to just one person.

He also said that he always wanted a poly relationship with past girlfriends but they never worked out because none of the his past gfs wanted a poly relationship. I said that I would be open to a poly relationship with him, he asked his friend ( lets name her Janet,) (Janet and my boyfriend like each other as well), Janet told him that she is open to it as well. The agreement to my boyfriend would be that me and him would spend most of our time together, and him and Janet would be seeing each other once or twice a month.

From what I understand of what my boyfriend has told me, Janet wants the same thing, just to wet our feet. The thing is, being raised that monogamy is the only way to go, I feel myself opposed to it because of what my boyfriend and Janet's relationship could become, and that makes me worried and jealous. I want to try this out and see what happens. I want to see him happy and he wants to see me happy. I really want to see me and boyfriend's relationship work and to him happy and if that means that he wants another romantic relationship and our relationship then I am willing to try this out. I'm just wondering what others think I might handle this situation. Thanks! :)
 
I want to try this out and see what happens.

That sounds like you have decided. That does not sound confused.

From what I understand of what my boyfriend has told me, Janet wants the same thing, just to wet our feet.

How does is end once all the feet get wet? You all break up again into (you and him) and (Janet single)? Or all single?

Does it changes to something more than wet feet? Then how does his time spent change so she gets more time?

Is that the confusion? You would like more clarity on "the plan to wet feet" and what happens after that?

Have you talked about how to navigate poly hell? How to cope with jealousy? Or more jealousy?

Galagirl
 
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First...he knew he was poly and waited 9 months to spring it on you? That would be a WTF moment for me.

Second...I don't like the idea of "try it out". Don't go into this thinking it's only temporary because it's not.

Third...read those links GG posted. Do a lot of reading here. You are still in monogamy mode. It will do you good to see how others do things; how they deal with problems.

Finally, keep in mind that a poly person is not usually looking for a replacement. People get replaced because they end up sabotaging themselves.
 
Before you and your bf start down the poly road, read the book More Than Two together. He wants to be poly, he's never done it, neither have you, and I suspect old high school friend?/Janet never has either.

There are many common pitfalls you can avoid or get help with in GG's links, and in that book. Opening Up is another good book on poly for newly opened couples.
 
Hi LovelessLiz094,

Read Opening Up and More than Two and keep us posted on how things are going. We'll continue to try to help.

Poly may take some work but I feel that it is worth it. Be sure to communicate often with your boyfriend. Hopefully that helps for starters.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As a mono myself, I completely understand the jealousy factor. Now, please understand that I am, in no way, trying to talk you out of exploring poly. It's not my cup of tea, but others can and do alright with it.

That being said... Consider it VERY carefully and thoroughly before agreeing to take that step. Of course you want him to be happy. That's admirable, but just remember that you can't unring that bell once you go through with it.

One question I have is: How would/does he feel about waiting until you feel the time could be right? Is he pressuring you to get it started soon? Would he be willing to wait 6 months or a year for everything to be discussed & worked out? Would he be able to stay in the relationship if you could never be willing to open up? Would you be willing to stay in the relationship if you agreed to open up? Okay, so that's more than one question, but you see where I'm going with this. This is one of those situations that MUST be analyzed to exhaustion if you're current relationship is valuable as it is.
 
to answer everyone's questions

Its very much a complicated relationship between all three of us, "Janet" lives 1,000 miles away and she isn't able to come up where we live until 2 years from now. And after seeing the messages between her and my boyfriend, she seems very unsure and uneasy about polyamory. After reading up on it, (I have read More than two - online and Opening Up is coming in the mail soon) and after really, really thinking and talking about it, I feel that I am ready and willing to start this up, we're still discussing some aspects of it but for the most part we are all in for it. Me and him feel like this would be a very good thing, Janet on the other hand doesn't even think snuggling together would be a good idea. He has told me that after those 2 years, we would talk to her and see what her thought is on this whole thing, and if she is not into the idea, then he would have to end it with her. But he is willing to wait and is so very understanding. But until then, me and him continue to have a loving relationship. Hopefully that answers some of your questions. :)
 
Me and him feel like this would be a very good thing, Janet on the other hand doesn't even think snuggling together would be a good idea.
Huh? Does she think that just because he wants a poly situation and is partnered with you, that she will have to "snuggle" with you both? :confused: If so, where did she get that silly idea?

Perhaps your boyfriend can do her a favor and send her a copy of those books, too, so she knows that poly doesn't mean everybody has to date each other or have group sex.

And what I don't understand is what you and your boyfriend expect her to do for the next two years - get into an online relationship with him and then see if she wants to go further two years from now? So, she should be happy just being in limbo? Does she know she can date others where she lives if she wants?

It really sounds like an idea that actually hasn't been very well thought out.
 
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yeah...

It really sounds like an idea that actually hasn't been very well thought out.

Yeah, I have yet to question him about it, it just seems so confusing. The thing is, he is texting her right now and has a possibility of skyping her, although we don't know if she even has skype. For her, its the thought of sharing him with me or anyone for that matter is what she is unsure about. He flirts and says I love you to her but from what I'm reading from his messages with her, it doesn't seem like much of a relationship. I think from my mind is that he thinks that since he can't seem to find anyone else to be in poly relationship, he has his mind set on her, because earlier she said she was willing to try it but she's also very unsure whether she even wants a poly relationship. And that's why he's willing to wait for her for two years to see if she wants in with a poly relationship. For me, I honestly am just focusing on me and him, and she is just doing her own thing. It also seems to me, is that she wants him and only him but also that she doesn't know what else she wants. It very confusing when this relationship involves her.
 
This past month, a friend from high school contacted him
...he's willing to wait for her for two years to see if she wants in with a poly relationship.

They reconnected a month ago and he is willing to wait two years for her to decide if she's into polyamory even though you and she are pretty clearly uneasy about the idea? I feel like there's a lot that I'm missing here.
 
I think it is odd.

  • She contacts him after a long time of not talking because of some difficult times. In other words, a broken person.
  • He's always wanted a V thing.
  • At this time Janet does NOT want a poly thing. So this makes him think this is a good time to invest in developing that?
  • He has been back in contact for a MONTH and he wants to see her 1-2x a month when she's a 1000 miles away (he's got that kind of money to burn on travel?) and skype and all that. In case she changes her mind. That doesn't sound proportionate , rational or reasonable.
  • If after 2 years she's still not changed her mind, THEN he will break up with her? Why date her at this time in the first place? :confused:
It sounds like a lot of investment for too little return.

Instead, he could tell her when she is WELL and past her difficult times and local, if she wants to look him up for poly-dating she can. Then since you are open to the idea now, he could spend his time and energy looking for a local GF.

I think from my mind is that he thinks that since he can't seem to find anyone else to be in poly relationship, he has his mind set on her, because earlier she said she was willing to try it but she's also very unsure whether she even wants a poly relationship.

Honestly, I think you call it right.

Like he's grasping at flimsy straws because she once told him maybe. So excited about the idea of "a V at last!" that he is losing sight of the bigger picture: What kind of V? A healthy one with healthy people or not?

A "maybe" from a broken person is not something I would invest in, latch on to, and blow up out of proportion. She doesn't know what she wants. She's having difficult times. Broken people say all kinds of things. If it were me, I would leave Janet be to heal on her own and not invite drama into my life. Does he fancy himself her "rescuer?"

YOU might want to reconsider your consenting to poly with him if he's hell bent pursuing broken, non-consenting Janet. He sounds like he's going in blind or jumping the gun to me.

To me part of the success of poly relationships is picking healthy people from the start. Janet doesn't sound like that. And for sure she doesn't sound consenting.

Galagirl
 
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[*]He has been back in contact for a MONTH and he wants to see her 1-2x a month when she's a 1000 miles away (he's got that kind of money to burn on travel?) and skype and all that. In case she changes her mind. That doesn't sound proportionate , rational or reasonable.
[*]If after 2 years she's still not changed her mind, THEN he will break up with her? Why date her at this time in the first place? :confused:
[/LIST]

Sorry If I wasn't clear enough, me and him made an agreement that if/when she comes up to where we live and possibly decides to have a poly relationship, that he would see her 1-2 times a month. And the whole waiting 2 years for her to try to convince her to be in a poly relationship is beyond me, to be honest, I'm just very confused myself.
 
Thank you for clarifying that. You and he agreed that he can date his poly partner 1-2 times a month. He can offer that and if potentials are not interested in that offer, they could not take him up on it. Fair enough.

Even so, she's not a potential at this point anyway. Spending 2 years on Skype to convince her to be open to polyamory and THEN present his offer -- sounds like uphill climb to me.

Why this sounds great to him IS confusing. But you know what? You don't have to understand why he wants to pursue this.

You could decide to be up for what he offers you or not. I suggest you rethink being up for it. The offer right now sounds like...

"Be with me while I spend 2 years pursuing someone over Skype who doesn't want to poly"

And to me? That sounds like a wonky offer to be offering YOU. Sounds kinda obsessing and a turn off to me.

Galagirl
 
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"Be with me while I spend 2 years pursuing someone over Skype who doesn't want to poly"

We actually just talked about it, and he said that the reason why he wanted to wait for her is because she was familiar face and he wanted to try it out with someone he was already comfortable. I told him to experiment with me and to seek out new people. Because I made it clear just now that I don't want to wait for someone just to see if they would be willing to be poly. So he agreed to find some people in our area but while still waiting on Janet to arrive. But to me, I think it's a start. Because as we're living our lives, enjoying it and finding other people in our area, things will eventually fall into place.
 
Good for you for speaking up.

That makes more sense to me.

  • Get on with living your present lives and explore local options.
  • If in 2 years Janet arrives at poly and wants to date at that point in time? Call it a bonus.

Galagirl
 
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I'm just going to lift this up on more time, because I think it's very wise.

...I don't like the idea of "try it out". Don't go into this thinking it's only temporary because it's not.

I'm not emphasizing this to scare you away from poly. But I think it's important to realize this could have a HUGE impact on your relationship with him, good or bad. Poly will illuminate all cracks in your existing relationship. This will be an opportunity for growth, but can also lead to tremendous pain.

As others have said, you can't un-ring that bell.

That said, I've got two partners, who I love dearly. I'm not tearing down poly. Just encouraging you to do lots of research before you are sure.
 
New situation arised

So my boyfriend has met and has been talking to another girl that he met at the local college game club. And they seem to kick it off very well, me and her are slowly but surely becoming good friends. The thing is, me being jealous has seem to put a rift between my boyfriend and I, so much that he was thinking about breaking up with me and going to the other girl (I'll call her Alyssa). But after some talking with him and having a willingness to open up more and to embrace this new way of life. That me and him want Alyssa to join our poly group. The thing is she says that she's not completely sure about all of this. But she told my boyfriend that she was okay with this. I'm just on the edge of my seat wondering if she wants this as much as we do, and if she does, how will it work out and especially for me, how to combat very strong jealousy.
 
I have to ask, what is it that YOU hope to get out of opening up your relationship? From what I understand, the idea is that he will get to date two women, and you'll have a V. That's all well and fine, but are you interested in dating someone else too? I guess it just seems a little like you are trying to come to terms with this merely as a way to keep seeing him. In all honesty, unless you have your own personal incentive to want this, transitioning to a polyamorous set-up can be a really challenging process. Don't do it just for him. Know what you hope to achieve from this too, and make sure he's not just on board with that idea, but willing to go the extra mile to support you and help you get it. Because right now your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dreamer, and not really prepared for the reality of having two girlfriends, neither of whom have done this before or seem to have a clear idea about what they would like to get out of it beyond a relationship with him. Is he going to be okay if you get another partner of your own? Is he going to be okay if the other girl does? Is he going to be okay if it turns out you guys don't get on with one another, and so he has to manage his time to keep things more compartmentalised in his life? Lots and lots of things to consider still before making moves with another lady.
 
Re (from LovelessLiz094):
"I'm just on the edge of my seat wondering if she wants this as much as we do, and if she does, how will it work out and especially for me, how to combat very strong jealousy."

As far as jealousy is concerned, there are some links you can follow:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And, there is a book you can read, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
 
So my boyfriend has met and has been talking to another girl that he met at the local college game club. And they seem to kick it off very well, me and her are slowly but surely becoming good friends. The thing is, me being jealous has seem to put a rift between my boyfriend and I, so much that he was thinking about breaking up with me and going to the other girl (I'll call her Alyssa). But after some talking with him and having a willingness to open up more and to embrace this new way of life. That me and him want Alyssa to join our poly group. The thing is she says that she's not completely sure about all of this. But she told my boyfriend that she was okay with this. I'm just on the edge of my seat wondering if she wants this as much as we do, and if she does, how will it work out and especially for me, how to combat very strong jealousy.

You are still going very fast. It's been how long since he decided to date? 2 months? And he knows her how long? Two weeks? Yes during this two weeks they kick it off *somehow* (physical?), you get jealous, he contemplates leaving you for someone he knows this short a time, you promis him to open up and tell the other girl you want to form a group and expect the other girl to have a clear opinion.
What is the pressure to start dating now? Why not clarify your views a little more, become just good friends with another person, do some "excercises" (on the level of watching him stroke her hair) to see what feelings arise, be clear about that you don't yet know? If I were you I wouldn't want to do full-blown dating already.
Of course, if he is already in NRE, this may be comming late.

By the way I wouldn't be comfortable to know that he isn't able to wither the storm of your emotions and thinks about leaving already. Thoughts are just thoughts, he cannot stop them, but if he tells you that he means it, where is the commitment? You will be probably facing more difficult situations ahead, not less.
 
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