Prostitutes and/or One Night Stands

Yes he had to wear a condom. He said he will post his experience, maybe tomorrow.

I need to get some sleep. After he came home the second time, it was harder. I need to sleep on it and process. We learned a lot tonight.

I guess he managed to get the full on PIV sex? Was that difficult for you?
 
I promise to update when I can. Sorry for the delay! I want Armani to reply first.
 
My unusual series of events

First off, I should say that this will probably be a bit shorter than it could be as I am currently in the living room of Vanille's family in the UK. So, without further ado, my very strange story:

It was a nippy Friday night and Vanille had told me I could go out to indulge in some lascivious behavior. Now, we've talked about our reasoning and whatnot here so I won't go into it. Suffice it to say, I was excited and quite a bit nervous in light of it being the first time in 7+ years that I'd be sleeping with anyone but her. That being said I wanted to run around and see all of my "options" so I could pick the most exciting among them. So, I did. The funny part is that when I had walked through the streets with Vanille I got smiles from the ladies, but when I was by myself, I got an entirely different experience. It was like they could smell that I was a potential customer! I would walk by a series of windows and all the girls would knock on the doors trying to get my attention. Apparently if you're a 26 yr old white male in a leather jacket you look like fresh meat.

After about an hour of wandering around the pot smoke filled hallways and streets; getting propositioned by drug dealers and prostitutes, I finally decided to just pick one and go with it. I was cold and really just wanted to get on with it. So, the next good looking blonde I found I went up to the door (I'd chosen a blonde because I've never slept with one). She let me in, took my money and got on the bed. She told me to take off my clothes and I did, though I was very nervous. Not about my stamina/ability/body or whatever, just about the weird situation. Once I was naked she told me to lay down and then proceeded to put a cloth with a hole in it (to cover the nether region) and a condom on me. She then started to give me head - which pretty much sucked (no pun intended!). After a moment she told me the time was 15 minutes; I agreed. A few moments later, she asked me if i wanted to fuck - I said yes. She then told me that would be 50 euro more.

This is probably be a good time to mention that I had decided to only bring 70 euro with me. This was in light of the fact that I was in the seedier bit of an unfamiliar city and thought it would be prudent to just have a little cash and my hotel key with me. I had also read that the price was 50 euro for a standard sex and head deal.

So, I was naturally a bit surprised and chagrined that I had forgotten to negotiate the terms of the deal at the door - but there wasn't really much I could do about it. I tried to talk her into taking only another 20 euro, but she was a very unflappable lady. She also tried to tell me my time was up about 10 minutes in, so I just tried to finish - and did. I dressed, left, and went back to the hotel. At this point I wasn't really mad; I just felt silly that I'd let myself get conned. I also couldn't help but think that Vanille would at least get a laugh (though she would commiserate as well) out of my unfortunate series of events.

When I got back to the hotel I told her what had happened - she laughed, and I decided to try again. She seemed really good, and I made sure that she was okay with it beforehand. I waited about 15 minutes and went back out with the intention of getting the experience I had set out for. I spent about 30 minutes looking for a smaller girl (the last one had turned out to be taller than me - which was really odd!). I decided to look for a tiny brunette - though I couldn't find one. I finally stumbled on a tiny (5'2" maybe) blonde that was smiling every time I walked past. I asked the price for sex and the time at the door this time! She said 50 euro and 20 minutes so I went in. This time things went similar, though she gave me head while sitting next to me rather than in between my legs, which was a bit different. She also gave better head, though nothing to write home about.

After about 5 minutes she looked over at me and asked if I'd been drinking and wiggled my 85% hard little friend (No, that's not how I normally refer to it!). I said yes, given that the truth was a bit embarrasing. After a few moments more, I was a bit more to her expectations and we started to have sex. She rode me facing away from me. I should add here that this is absolutely my favorite position, but it was just too odd to really enjoy it. She then asked me if I wanted to pay another 50 euro to play with her boobs and have 30 minutes. I declined. After a bit we finished, I dressed, she berated me again for drinking, we said goodbye, and I left.

All in all, I was left with mixed feelings on the whole matter. On the one hand, I had gotten what I wanted, but on the other, it felt like nothing. I mean, I generally felt like I'd gone to get a foot massage from some mildly sour women with stellar upselling skills. When I got back, what I really wanted was to sleep with Vanille (see previous post about the state of my libido) to get that sense of human connection and fulfllment that sex can provide. Naturally, we didn't, but I would certainly have preferred to! So, I got the experience, and we are on the road to progressing into a poly relationship - this is the great bit. At the same time, those things being excluded, I would have absolutely preferred to stay in and sleep with Vanille instead.

In any case, that's what happened as truthfully as I can tell it. I sort of wish I had a story which painted me as a bit less of a git, but I have said that I would prefer interesting to good things to happen from time to time. For me, however, I have learned that I do want at least some real component to sex. Sex without even attraction is nothing more than getting a foot massage to me, who knew!
 
And for my side...

When he came back the first time, I was in a decent mood. No tears or anything. I think subconsciously, I was relieved that it didn't go so well. This is terrible I know. But it would have killed me if he came home and said he didn't realize what he had been missing all of these years. It was nice to be able to laugh about the sheer absurdity of all that had happened.

As he decided to go back out, a bit of panic crept up on me. I started thinking, what if that was a fluke and this time it's amazing? I had been prepared for one woman, not two. It has been seven years since we were with other people, and here he was going to get two in a matter of hours.

I tried to keep a smile and let him go.

When he came back the second time, he didn't say anything at first. I immediately knew this time was more successful. I realized, this is it - he slept with another woman. I tried not to tear up, but it was really only a matter of minutes before I was in tears. I wasn't mad at him. I was simply overwhelmed with the reality that everything had changed.

Before that night, we had been each others 'only'. -I- was the woman who pleased him, no one else. Now he had new memories, he saw two other woman's naked bodies, felt their lips on his penis, and had sex (in a position that I know he loves) with another woman - beautiful, exotic women.

It's been three nights. I've felt pressured. I feel like I'm on a balance beam, trying to keep my balance and feeling like I'm about to fall. The reality of our relationship has changed for the first time in years and I find myself uneasy and unsure.

I haven't been ready to be in bed with him again. I think this really confuses him. To him, these experiences were next to "nothing". Meaningless and just "acts". To me, they were everything. They changed everything. By the time he went to bed, he was basically "over" it, not finding much to process. But it's been days, and I'm still processing.

His libido is just as high, and we are finding conflict. He wants to go back to normal and I can't yet. But I also can't deny him for too long because that will cause even more strain in our relationship.

So, I'm not sure where we are. I'm not mad at him. I'm just really trying to find my footing and figure things out. I don't like how it feels to be pressured to go back to normal when I'm not ready. There is an added pressure because we are still on vacation and living with my family until Saturday.

edit: We did have sex today. But I felt it was not what I would have liked to be our first time together again. He has been unsatisfied for so long (three days), that he stopped thinking rationally. It must be hard for men, to have their judgment clouded by sex.
 
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I do think that meaningless sex is far less fun and fulfilling than sex with context and connection.

For me, however, I have learned that I do want at least some real component to sex. Sex without even attraction is nothing more than getting a foot massage to me, who knew!

Me, me! :rolleyes: Not trying to make fun of you so I apologize if it comes off that way, I just thought it was funny that I'd sort of called it.
 
Me, me! :rolleyes: Not trying to make fun of you so I apologize if it comes off that way, I just thought it was funny that I'd sort of called it.

He actually mentioned you said that, the night he came back. He was like, "Wow .. now I know what it means."

He did say, he appreciates me and what we have even more - now that he has seen a difference.
 
Also, I don't have time for a longer post right now unfortunately, but Armani don't you DARE pressure her to have sex again right now and Vanille you be strong about it. Seriously, nothing could possibly be more damaging to your sex life and love life generally than to feel pressured into being physical, especially after a emotionally difficult experience related to sex. Just go masturbate if you value your relationship and give it time.
 
... Armani don't you DARE pressure her to have sex again right now and Vanille you be strong about it.

My sense is that Vanille is feeling pressured, because she is still processing her emotions about what happened, but just because Armani wants to reconnect with his wife after having emotionless unsatisfying sex doesn't necessarily mean he is actually pressuring her.
 
Vanille definitely doesn`t need to be pressured. I don`t think she is. Armani is excited to be close to his wife again. He got crackers, and now he is reminded of the steak he has. He wants to share that with her, and treat her well.

My husband cannot wait to have sex with me, after he has been elsewhere. The re-connection is a strong thing for him. There were times in the beginning I wondered if it was a 'guilt' thing, or a fluffer-thing, but I was over-thinking it. His intentions are genuine.

Vanille definitely cannot have sex for his sake though. Let it all process. Just make sure you two don`t get into a blame-game just because you see this differently. :)

As for the actual event.....well, you get what you pay for, I guess ? I assumed you two would pick a prostitute based on a house with a madame, where you can mingle and pick, or have some type of rapport built from one online.
A friend of mine has a rapport built with a stripper/prostitute, and they have amazing sex apparently. He doesn`t mind paying for a good time at all. He doesn`t roll the dice on just anyone though.
 
Perhaps a Madame would have helped, but I doubt it. In regards to the pressure, I'm trying really hard not to; given that I want her to enjoy everything - and not be all wrapped up in her head and full of any emotion other than happiness.
 
All in all, I was left with mixed feelings on the whole matter. On the one hand, I had gotten what I wanted, but on the other, it felt like nothing. I mean, I generally felt like I'd gone to get a foot massage from some mildly sour women with stellar upselling skills. When I got back, what I really wanted was to sleep with Vanille (see previous post about the state of my libido) to get that sense of human connection and fulfllment that sex can provide.

Well, i assume you SLEPT with Vanille. You mean you wanted to fuck her?

Naturally, we didn't, but I would certainly have preferred to!

Why, "naturally?" You were still turned on and wanting even more sex? (You youngsters! :) )

But she was turned off, especially after you'd gone out a 2nd time looking for fucking, not just a bj. Seems like that was the wrong decision, to to out again a 2nd time. Even tho Vanille seemed "fine" about it, i wonder if she thought she had much choice in the matter.

So, I got the experience, and we are on the road to progressing into a poly relationship - this is the great bit. At the same time, those things being excluded, I would have absolutely preferred to stay in and sleep with Vanille instead.

You mean, you made a choice to go have sex with 2 strangers, but what you really wanted to do was fuck your wife? Sounds like you feel conflicted.

In any case, that's what happened as truthfully as I can tell it. I sort of wish I had a story which painted me as a bit less of a git, but I have said that I would prefer interesting to good things to happen from time to time. For me, however, I have learned that I do want at least some real component to sex. Sex without even attraction is nothing more than getting a foot massage to me, who knew!

Lesson learned, on your end. What did you learn about Vanille?
 
Armani I can totally relate. I feel nothing with people I don't love. Even friends I don't love in that way. Its not fun or even amusing any more so I don't do it. At one point I thought that is what one does to be poly and part of the community (sex positive and poly), but I realize its not worth it and even became damaging.

I understand vanille as well I think. I have been known to with hold sex as a result of my partners relations with others. They changed in my eyes. Some of the purity left them some how. Some of the purity of our relationship maybe. It didn't matter what they felt about it. Its what I felt and it takes time. Even now I am hesitant to enter into a sexual relationship with one of my partners because he swings. For some reason it has made me think that sex with me will therefore be emotionless and not the deep meaningful connected sex I am hoping for. Maybe because I have lost that meaning and only just regained it again as a result of sex without meaning. I don't know.

Thanks for this interesting and enlightening read.
 
It is possible to get enough sex an be connected. I live with my boyfriend and husband and it is a huge part of why we work. Its been the first time I am fulfilled and loved ever in my life. It does happen.
 
And for my side...

When he came back the first time, I was in a decent mood. No tears or anything. I think subconsciously, I was relieved that it didn't go so well. This is terrible I know. But it would have killed me if he came home and said he didn't realize what he had been missing all of these years. It was nice to be able to laugh about the sheer absurdity of all that had happened.

You feared he would find a sex worker who was actually good at her job? Sounds like these women were not all that great. Gosh, I kinda figured a girl wouldnt be working if she couldnt give a decent blowjob. Doing it w a condom on plus a piece of cloth over the pubes, jeez, sounds like going in to get stitches or something. Nothing like sex in a real poly relationship...

As he decided to go back out, a bit of panic crept up on me. I started thinking, what if that was a fluke and this time it's amazing? I had been prepared for one woman, not two. It has been seven years since we were with other people, and here he was going to get two in a matter of hours.

I tried to keep a smile and let him go.

So, you pretended to be OK when you were not. And now you feel even less OK.


When he came back the second time, he didn't say anything at first. I immediately knew this time was more successful. I realized, this is it - he slept with another woman. I tried not to tear up, but it was really only a matter of minutes before I was in tears. I wasn't mad at him. I was simply overwhelmed with the reality that everything had changed.

Before that night, we had been each others 'only'. -I- was the woman who pleased him, no one else. Now he had new memories, he saw two other woman's naked bodies, felt their lips on his penis, and had sex (in a position that I know he loves) with another woman - beautiful, exotic women.

It's been three nights. I've felt pressured. I feel like I'm on a balance beam, trying to keep my balance and feeling like I'm about to fall. The reality of our relationship has changed for the first time in years and I find myself uneasy and unsure.

I haven't been ready to be in bed with him again.

Again, "sleeping with, in bed," you mean have sex with him, right? Or are you sleeping in different beds?

I think this really confuses him. To him, these experiences were next to "nothing". Meaningless and just "acts". To me, they were everything. They changed everything. By the time he went to bed, he was basically "over" it, not finding much to process. But it's been days, and I'm still processing.

His libido is just as high, and we are finding conflict. He wants to go back to normal and I can't yet. But I also can't deny him for too long because that will cause even more strain in our relationship.

You can. It's not your role to make him feel better about fucking 2 other women. If it changed everything for you, but to him it was like getting a foot massage, this is important!

edit: We did have sex today. But I felt it was not what I would have liked to be our first time together again. He has been unsatisfied for so long (three days), that he stopped thinking rationally. It must be hard for men, to have their judgment clouded by sex.

3 whole days????? OMFG
 
Part of me wonders if I'm thinking too much into this. It's hard to gauge what a healthy reaction would look like.
 
Ok, as someone probably more versed in the 'pro' aspects let me see if I can do a quick post-mortem on what went down.

Armani, you thought it sounded like a good idea and heck variety is fun (thus the idea for a blonde). Unfortunately, you were a newbie and they knew it. The first one ripped you off--she would have given the whole package for the same price had you asked up front. Feeling cheated, you wanted what you started out for and went back a second time. Natural 'guy' response, no different than betting a second hand at poker when you think you got shorted.

Unfortunately, what you ultimately realized is this is not for you. The sex with a pro can be amazing, lousy and everywhere in between. Regardless, the ONLY way it can work well is if you can separate the sex from emotions and still enjoy it.

Vanille, you were fully on-board with the first trip, and while I could be wrong..I think you might have been ok with it had it worked. Kinda a NRE-type emotional high to cover up some of the bumps. However, you were less comfortable with the second time and sat waiting for him to return becoming more raw and uncomfortable.

At this point you need to focus on YOU. Armani can take care of himself for a few days. You need to decide where you stand on this whole thing, talk it through and decide how to move forward. It is clear he still wants and loves you, and it doesn't sound like this is on his future to-do list so that might simplify things some.

I wish you both the best as you work though this adventure.
 
Thank you lifetake. You are right. I am pretty sure if the first time was a success, I would have done better. I said subconciously I might have wished it didn't go well, but consciously I did want it to go well. I wanted him to have fun and experience something new.
 
I don't think you are over thinking this Vanille. I don't believe anyone over thinks. Thinking is what people should be doing. All to often people don't.

lol, I really don't understand why anyone would want to force themselves to shut down their emotions just to get laid. Humans can be such different creatures. ;) I suppose if an actual relationship is not going to work then tricking your brain in order to have sex with strangers is an option. I dunno, didn't work for me. It just left me with no self worth.
 
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We did have sex today. But I felt it was not what I would have liked to be our first time together again. He has been unsatisfied for so long (three days), that he stopped thinking rationally. It must be hard for men, to have their judgment clouded by sex.

This may be too personal to share, but the lines I bolded above really concerned me and I'll admit I'm curious as to how exactly it went down?

Three days, btw, is NOT a long time to go without. I get that you guys have been saying he has a high sex drive, but that is a very short amount of time to have to go without you sexing him up, and not unreasonable in any way in terms of you not feeling ready yet, by any objective measure. Why is masturbation not an option?

His needs are not your obligations. Withholding sex out of pettiness or allowing your relationship to devolve into sexlessness is one thing, needing more than a few days to feel comfortable with a big shift in your relationship (we're all ra-ra about poly here, but monogamy is the cultural norm and it IS a big shift) is another.

Give. It. Time. You. Guys. I mean, what the hell would he do if you went away for a week on a business trip and he had no other partners? Being a man and/or having a high sex drive (plenty of women do) is no excuse for pushing a partner past their comfort zone for the sake of gratification. That sort of thing can be highly destructive to an otherwise healthy relationship. The natural thing when you're feeling pressured is to withdraw or to resent. Think about it, dude.
 
Part of me wonders if I'm thinking too much into this. It's hard to gauge what a healthy reaction would look like.

As someone who's been successfully doing poly for a couple of years and who has read a lot here, your reaction is perfectly healthy. You didn't blow up at him or make any rash decisions or suffer a complete catastrophic breakdown. You had feelings and now you're just processing. It will get easier, IF you have the time and space to sit with what you're feeling, pick it apart at your own pace, and continue to feel confident and supported as you guys move forward from this experience.
 
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