Going back to manogomy

Gemma

New member
After a year of being in an open relationship my husband wants to go back to manogomy. He never found someone outside of us and decided he and will always be monogamous. I’m in a relationship and do love my bf but don’t know what to do. I feel selfish for wanting an outside relationship I’m clearly hurting my husband. I would like to remain open but he wants all this to end. I’m so torn and it hurts so much thinking I would have to end it.

My husband knows I love my bf and is hurt but he thinks I can just end this and we can go back to manogmy again. The problem that lead me to open the relationship will still be there. His disability hinders pleasing me sexually. He said he was going to work on improving muscle strength to maybe help. Even if that helps I still have an emotional connection to my bf.

Just not sure where to go. If I should end this or not.
 
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Hello Gemma,

I think another thing you have to consider is, your boyfriend is a person too, he will be hurt if you break up with him. It's not always that simple to reverse an open relationship once you've opened it.

I'm assuming your husband wants to go back to monogamy because he has had bad luck trying to find partners of his own. Unfortunately, that's usually how it goes, men have a harder time than women finding people. It takes longer.

Is this an ultimatum? I hope not.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
No he hasn’t given me an ultimatum. He just wishes it would end and he feels guilty that he ever said yes to opening the marriage. He doesn’t want to share me anymore.

He hasn’t looked for anyone. I have encouraged him but he’s decided I am the only one for him. He’s strictly monogamous.

I agree my bfs feelings need to be considered. I know he will be broken if I end it.

I wish I knew what to do. My husband hurts and I hate that i’m the cause. He wants me to be happy and feels guilty he can’t give me what I need. Yet he thinks it’s so easy to end it. I’m not sure what the best solution is moving forward.
 
If DH is monoamorous and relationship shape flexible? Like he only wants to love 1 sweetie but is ok in either a monogamous shape relatioship or poly shape of some kind?

Or is he monoamorous + monogamous -- He only wants one sweetie, and the only relationship shape he wants is 1:1? No extra people?

That makes a difference.

If flexible...Could you meet part way? Like agree to no poly-dating any new people? Those already here remain. You, husband, and BF. If you and BF break up it is because you and BF decide to do so. Not because DH wishes it. You can be sympathetic. When DH says stuff like he regrets ever Opening, don't take it personally. Let it be his feelings. He is mourning. It's ok for him to feel regret and sadness and so on.

If he really just wants monogamy 1:1, and you can no longer provide that? Then DH could bow out of this network. Or you could cut him loose. It's painful to think about. But it's also painful for DH to endure participating in a V if that's not the model he really wants to be in. If there was an easy choice I'm sure you'd pick it already. I think you are going to have to pick your hard. :(

Galagirl
 
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He wants monogamy 1:1. He doesn’t want to leave me, that’s not an option for him. We have two kids a 7yr old and a 2yr old. My family mean the world to me so I can’t see myself cutting my husband loose.

The only options I see is that I carry on my relationship with my bf and my husband suffers through it. Which I don’t feel is fair to him.

Or I end it with my bf and go back to a closed marriage with some of my needs not being met. Both suck because one way or another someone is getting hurt! :(
 
Both suck because one way or another someone is getting hurt!

I know. There's no win. It's figuring out what sucks least.

If neither is willing to break up and explore coparenting as good exes and friends? Then one of you is going to be unhappy.

  • Either him enduring the V he doesn't really want to be in.
  • Or you enduring Closed when you don't really want to be Closed.

Over time that can lead to resentment or damages.

All the choices are hard. :(

Galagirl
 
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Surely your husband cannot think that you could just dump someone after a year of being together. He must understand that, if he can’t easily replace you, neither can your boyfriend.

I would only offer to him that you won’t seek additional partners. It is okay for him to feel regrets, but he cannot take back the past year. Even if you broke up with your boyfriend, this experience will have a lasting impact on your relationship with your husband and I think he likely is overestimating how easy it would be to just return to your pre-open lives.
 
Here we are again with DH wanting this to close. I’m extremely upset as he’s gone and talked to my friend that i’ve confided in the past. My friend never once was mean or unsupportive to me. Once I read the messages that her and my husband were saying about me it was clear she had a different view of me.

She says I need to wake up and realize I’m ruining my marriage. That I’m hurting my husband every time I leave to go be with my bf. That I’m cheating on my husband. I’m being selfish and from what my husband says I guilt trip him and manipulate him into trying to be ok with it so I can still be with my boyfriend. My husband has been talking to her for a month about me.

I don’t mind DH talking to someone about the situation but not like that to a friend that I was confiding in. It’s like she and him have been talking about me and saying cruel stuff about me. Like when I go over to my bfs they both talk about how selfish I’m being. And how crazy the poly group I go to is and how it’s brain washing me. That I don’t believe in marriage anymore and should be single.

It’s upset me so much. DH wants this to end period and that is that. He thinks every time we talk it out that I am manipulating him into making it be ok. When I look at it I am being very selfish. I’m not considering the fact that it kills him when I leave to be with my bf.

I’m scared. I’m scared of loosing a good thing with my bf. If I close this relationship how will I manage not getting my sexual needs not met. I’m thinking I have to go back to the way it was and put up with not being fulfilled because I married him with disability and I should endure.
 
Here we are again with DH wanting this to close. I’m extremely upset as he’s gone and talked to my friend that i’ve confided in the past. My friend never once was mean or unsupportive to me. Once I read the messages that her and my husband were saying about me it was clear she had a different view of me.

She says I need to wake up and realize I’m ruining my marriage. That I’m hurting my husband every time I leave to go be with my bf. That I’m cheating on my husband. I’m being selfish and from what my husband says I guilt trip him and manipulate him into trying to be ok with it so I can still be with my boyfriend. My husband has been talking to her for a month about me.

I don’t mind DH talking to someone about the situation but not like that to a friend that I was confiding in. It’s like she and him have been talking about me and saying cruel stuff about me. Like when I go over to my bfs they both talk about how selfish I’m being. And how crazy the poly group I go to is and how it’s brain washing me. That I don’t believe in marriage anymore and should be single.

It’s upset me so much. DH wants this to end period and that is that. He thinks every time we talk it out that I am manipulating him into making it be ok. When I look at it I am being very selfish. I’m not considering the fact that it kills him when I leave to be with my bf.

I’m scared. I’m scared of loosing a good thing with my bf. If I close this relationship how will I manage not getting my sexual needs not met. I’m thinking I have to go back to the way it was and put up with not being fulfilled because I married him with disability and I should endure.

Your husband is being very cruel, immature, bitter, and showing off what a worm he is by asking this of you.

If he was first on board with polyamory so you could get your sexual needs met, and was OK for a while with it becoming an emotional relationship, I'm sorry, but he just doesn't get to close the barn door after the horse is out.

His behavior talking to your confidant, and her behavior is also very unfriendly to you. Sure, it reflects monogamous conditioning. We all have that. However, calling you a cheater, etc., after your husband had agreed to poly, but somehow now he's giving up on it, that's just wrong. You had an agreement.

If he has physical disabilities that prevent him satisfying you, if he were being fair and confident, he'd be pleased you are fulfilled in that aspect by your bf. If he had promised to improve his health so that he could satisfy you, but hasn't done that, that's on him, not you. If he can't find another gf (and given his inability to perform sexually, and his refusal to improve his health so he could perform sexually), that is also on him.

BTW, it's a fallacy that women get relationships with men more easily than vice versa. As a poly woman, I get so many messages on OK Cupid. I am now looking for a new bf after not having gone to OKC for 7 months. I am in my early 60s. I had about 75 messages stacked up. I have spent about 3 weeks reading them. Only about 1/10th are worth responding to. Of those 7-10 men, only 3 got dates. Of those 3, one got one date, it wasn't good. 2 got 2 dates, but they didn't have their ethics in line with mine (in texting it seemed they did, but once we met it was apparent they had gfs who weren't ok with them dating me) and it didn't work out. I've got another date coming up this afternooon. It's hard, tiring, disappointing work finding a guy who is really in the right shape ethically to date me!

So, it would really suck to give up your bf if you and he are compatible and you are in love. Love and compatibility do not come along often in life. If you've outgrown your husband, if he's refusing to keep in shape to keep you, or get a new gf, that's on him. He can blame-cast and bitch at your (so-called) friend all he wants. He's in the wrong.

Not all relationships/marriages are meant to last forever. And you can survive as a woman and mother after a divorce. It seems overwhelming, but... life is short. It's not worth maintaining a relationship if both partners are miserable. You'd be miserable and resentful going back to mono with him. You'd be sexually frustrated. He still would refuse to improve his health to sexually satisfy you. Your children would be harmed by observing the example of an unhappy marriage. And your bf would feel extremely hurt you threw him away like a used tissue or broken sex toy.
 
But what about the other side of the coin? How is he not being selfish for insisting you end it after agreeing to it in the first place? The blame doesn't fall entirely on you just because you don't want to reset to default monogamy.

Same for saying how you think it's not fair to him. It's not fair to you and your bf either.

This is probably a lot more common than you think. Married couples tend to not realize that once they move into poly that old relationship is over. It's no longer an "us against the world" scenario.

Sorry you are faced with such a hard decision.
 
If he has physical disabilities that prevent him satisfying you, if he were being fair and confident, he'd be pleased you are fulfilled in that aspect by your bf. If he had promised to improve his health so that he could satisfy you, but hasn't done that, that's on him, not you. If he can't find another gf (and given his inability to perform sexually, and his refusal to improve his health so he could perform sexually), that is also on him.

He has cerebral palsy so he can’t really work on his health or get in shape. He’s thought about going to physical therapy to see if that might help. We have tried many things but the only one sexual position that seems to work is me on top. He can’t physically do others due to his muscle rigidity, muscle weakness, spasticity, and fatigue which are all due to his cerebral palsy.
 
Your husband is being very cruel, immature, bitter, and showing off what a worm he is by asking this of you.

If he was first on board with polyamory so you could get your sexual needs met, and was OK for a while with it becoming an emotional relationship, I'm sorry, but he just doesn't get to close the barn door after the horse is out.

Yes, he was ok to open the relationship for a while to get my needs met. He doesn’t want going on long term. It’s hurting him a great deal that he can’t give me what I need. I can see that it’s breaking him.

So, it would really suck to give up your bf if you and he are compatible and you are in love. Love and compatibility do not come along often in life. If you've outgrown your husband, if he's refusing to keep in shape to keep you, or get a new gf, that's on him. He can blame-cast and bitch at your (so-called) friend all he wants. He's in the wrong.

My bf and I are compatible on many levels. However on certain things we aren’t and he would not be someone I could raise my children with. He doesn’t want kids. I have definitely not outgrown my husband I love him dearly and cherish our family and our life together. Our sexual relationship I’ve never been fulfilled with.
 
He has cerebral palsy so he can’t really work on his health or get in shape. He’s thought about going to physical therapy to see if that might help. We have tried many things but the only one sexual position that seems to work is me on top. He can’t physically do others due to his muscle rigidity, muscle weakness, spasticity, and fatigue which are all due to his cerebral palsy.

My gf also has physical disabilities. She does the best she can. Her arms have limited mobility, her upper spine and shoulders have anomolies too, so she uses her feet, mouth and hands (til they give out) and toys. Of course we can't do penis in vagina because we don't have penises lol. Her libido is also lower than mine and so she's very happy when I have a bf that is adding to my physical satisfaction.

I'm sorry your h has issues, but "thinking" about PT isn't going to increase his flexibility or stamina! I don't know much about CP but if PT can really help, it's on him to actually do it.
 
My gf also has physical disabilities. She does the best she can. Her arms have limited mobility, her upper spine and shoulders have anomolies too, so she uses her feet, mouth and hands (til they give out) and toys. Of course we can't do penis in vagina because we don't have penises lol. Her libido is also lower than mine and so she's very happy when I have a bf that is adding to my physical satisfaction.

I'm sorry your h has issues, but "thinking" about PT isn't going to increase his flexibility or stamina! I don't know much about CP but if PT can really help, it's on him to actually do it.

Really?! I’ve wondered if other people in my situation have opened the relationship to meet their needs due to phyical disabilities. I feel like i’m ruining his self esteem. He already feels crappy about his disability but knowing he can’t please his wife is destroying him. Me going off with another man breaks his heart. I don’t think PT will help a whole lot but he wants to give it a try. I think he is banking on it being a magic cure though.
 
Really?! I’ve wondered if other people in my situation have opened the relationship to meet their needs due to phyical disabilities. I feel like i’m ruining his self esteem. He already feels crappy about his disability but knowing he can’t please his wife is destroying him. Me going off with another man breaks his heart. I don’t think PT will help a whole lot but he wants to give it a try. I think he is banking on it being a magic cure though.

Well, if you think it WON'T help, and he thinks it will be a MAGICAL cure, maybe you could both adjust your expectations to somewhere in the middle.

I know it's hard to get sex or have sex with disabilities. My gf has one arm shorter than the other, and no thumbs. All her life from teenage on, people have assumed she doesn't even HAVE sex drive. This is often assumed of people with disabilities! It totally sucks. Her spirit is so beautiful though, and her confidence is pretty high in the attractive qualities she does have, that she's had partners all her late teen and adult life. We've been together over 9 years, and I am just crazy about her. If I have to be the more active partner during sex, so be it. I'm really attracted to her. But I know that many handicapped people's esteem is low, which makes their spirit dimmed and then less attractive.

I'm not sure if you've had couple's therapy to aid in your intimacy/sex issues. It seems to me that might help boost h's confidence, and aid in adjusting expectations you both have, and motivate your h to TRY the PT. Has he never had it, even as a child?

I'd offer that: couple's therapy, in lieu of giving up your bf because it's "killing" your h. His health is his responsibility, not yours. I have a bad back that has gotten worse with age. I know I do much better with exercise. I also had cancer diagnosed in summer 2016, that required surgery and chemotherapy. I was sedentary from the exhaustion and pain of the chemo for a year and a half. It was getting harder to move, climb stairs, hike, have sex, etc. My legs were weakened, my back was killing me, my core was terrible. I was a mess. I made myself join the gym a month ago. I swim, I do water exercise classes. It improved my health noticeably in only 3 weeks of going 3x a week. And it's getting better every week! Your h needs to get out of his comfort zone and try the exercises. It might make a nice difference to him, physically and mentally.
 
Gemma,
I wanted to chime in because something similar happened to me recently with being talked about behind my back. When you shared that experience I remembered how it felt for me - my meta and husband were talking about me, or rather, she was in an email. This never feels good. I can imagine how betrayed you felt by your friend that you trusted.

Your situation is more complex because of the family component. I am sure you love your husband and want to maintain the relationship. I also feel for your boyfriend, especially since it has been such a long time. Does he know what is going on with your other relationship? I am wondering what he thinks about things. Being an objective, non-biased person, I completely understand this "being between a rock and a hard place" situation, and how you feel stuck, and how you want to stay with your husband but are not sure how to proceed. My subjective, emotional side, which is 100% on YOUR side, wishes you would leave your husband because I don't like how he is handling this. It just doesn't seem fair. I know you can't and won't do that though. Just sharing my thought space!

Sometimes I think life would just be easier if the world were more open to things like poly, and marriage wasn't the be all, end all way to be accepted. If the OP left her husband, people in her lives would accuse her of being an A-hole for leaving him for someone else because of the sexual stuff. Where that isn't even the issue at this point. I am in a different situation, but I sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be married to my bf over my husband, someone who is more on my emotional wavelength and who I share more values with. I do not have kids though, so although it would be a mess, it would be less complicated. Gemma, I really hope things get sorted out soon. I hope you don't have to end either relationship. I wish your husband would compromise more.

I am sorry if this reply sounded super biased against your husband, I'm just being honest and coming from the heart. I truly feel for you.
 
I think the most you can legitinately offer is that you would consider monogamy in times you weren’f actively involved with someone. Like, I know a couole that sort of takes turns— they do mono for a while, then she feels she can do poly, and if that goes too fast she asks for no more partners for a while, and he complies, eventually dwindling down to monogamy, they do monogamy for a while, rinse and repeat.
 
Hi Gemma,

Sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better; in fact, they've gotten worse; you've lost your confidante. Personally I don't think you should have to give up your boyfriend, but if you are racked with guilt about how upset your husband is, I guess you could give up the boyfriend and see if that made him (and by extension you) feel better. Only you can decide.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Have you two tried a sex therapist, especially one focusing on disability?

Whether or not you are now in love with your boyfriend and do not want to give it up, you protect old relationships by investing in them.

And it sounds like both of you are not satisfied with the status quo.

There are so many things I can think of offhand that might, not knowing your situation, improve things— a Sybian comes to mind- a mechanical dildo with STRONG vibratiom that he can control (they are awesome, and if he has one, he can satisfy you in a way no one else but another Sybian owner can, which might be good for his self-esteem— especially if he gets super skilled on figuring what makes you tick); if it’s not, broadening your view of “what sex is” past PIV, perhaps bondage on your part, and toys on his, to even the field.

And— if exercises would help, the sex therapist likely could suggest them.
 
Also, many sex therapists are poly friendly or poly, so it’s a good place to look or a Counselor in general.
 
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