Here we are again with DH wanting this to close. I’m extremely upset as he’s gone and talked to my friend that i’ve confided in the past. My friend never once was mean or unsupportive to me. Once I read the messages that her and my husband were saying about me it was clear she had a different view of me.
She says I need to wake up and realize I’m ruining my marriage. That I’m hurting my husband every time I leave to go be with my bf. That I’m cheating on my husband. I’m being selfish and from what my husband says I guilt trip him and manipulate him into trying to be ok with it so I can still be with my boyfriend. My husband has been talking to her for a month about me.
I don’t mind DH talking to someone about the situation but not like that to a friend that I was confiding in. It’s like she and him have been talking about me and saying cruel stuff about me. Like when I go over to my bfs they both talk about how selfish I’m being. And how crazy the poly group I go to is and how it’s brain washing me. That I don’t believe in marriage anymore and should be single.
It’s upset me so much. DH wants this to end period and that is that. He thinks every time we talk it out that I am manipulating him into making it be ok. When I look at it I am being very selfish. I’m not considering the fact that it kills him when I leave to be with my bf.
I’m scared. I’m scared of loosing a good thing with my bf. If I close this relationship how will I manage not getting my sexual needs not met. I’m thinking I have to go back to the way it was and put up with not being fulfilled because I married him with disability and I should endure.
Your husband is being very cruel, immature, bitter, and showing off what a worm he is by asking this of you.
If he was first on board with polyamory so you could get your sexual needs met, and was OK for a while with it becoming an emotional relationship, I'm sorry, but he just doesn't get to close the barn door after the horse is out.
His behavior talking to your confidant, and her behavior is also very unfriendly to you. Sure, it reflects monogamous conditioning. We all have that. However, calling you a cheater, etc., after your husband had agreed to poly, but somehow now he's giving up on it, that's just wrong. You had an agreement.
If he has physical disabilities that prevent him satisfying you, if he were being fair and confident, he'd be pleased you are fulfilled in that aspect by your bf. If he had promised to improve his health so that he could satisfy you, but hasn't done that, that's on him, not you. If he can't find another gf (and given his inability to perform sexually, and his refusal to improve his health so he could perform sexually), that is also on him.
BTW, it's a fallacy that women get relationships with men more easily than vice versa. As a poly woman, I get so many messages on OK Cupid. I am now looking for a new bf after not having gone to OKC for 7 months. I am in my early 60s. I had about 75 messages stacked up. I have spent about 3 weeks reading them. Only about 1/10th are worth responding to. Of those 7-10 men, only 3 got dates. Of those 3, one got one date, it wasn't good. 2 got 2 dates, but they didn't have their ethics in line with mine (in texting it seemed they did, but once we met it was apparent they had gfs who weren't ok with them dating me) and it didn't work out. I've got another date coming up this afternooon. It's hard, tiring, disappointing work finding a guy who is really in the right shape ethically to date me!
So, it would really suck to give up your bf if you and he are compatible and you are in love. Love and compatibility do not come along often in life. If you've outgrown your husband, if he's refusing to keep in shape to keep you, or get a new gf, that's on him. He can blame-cast and bitch at your (so-called) friend all he wants. He's in the wrong.
Not all relationships/marriages are meant to last forever. And you can survive as a woman and mother after a divorce. It seems overwhelming, but... life is short. It's not worth maintaining a relationship if both partners are miserable. You'd be miserable and resentful going back to mono with him. You'd be sexually frustrated. He still would refuse to improve his health to sexually satisfy you. Your children would be harmed by observing the example of an unhappy marriage. And your bf would feel extremely hurt you threw him away like a used tissue or broken sex toy.