Sorry if this was already said and I just missed it.... but it sounds to me like you would benefit from trying to re-frame how you view a canceled date night. Once either of your cancels it, that is no longer *your* night (the collective as in you both). It's now each of you's individual free time to do with as you wish. In which case, sure, it's not unreasonable for him to at some point let you know that he saw another partner because maybe you guys tell each other that much just in talking about your daily lives.... but it would help it to feel less like "why didn't he tell me he was *replacing* me with someone else on *MY* night!?"
I know that you already realize that this isn't necessarily a rational thought, but working toward the autmatic assumption as soon as plans are cancelled that you each have your own time would hopefully reduce the risk of a bad reaction rather than having to remind yourself later on after the fact that actually it was no longer "your" night.
Yes, that's essentially what Galagirl also suggested. I do view it as his time is now free if I cancel, and he can do what he wants with his free time. I'm not sure I was seeing it as "he's replacing me on MY night" as just "he's replacing me." Sort of an interchangeable parts thing; "Oh, I can't have KC tonight, so I'll just have (other partner) instead." Which is something I've called him on before, because it's something he tends to do any time any partner cancels on him.
It is his time free to spend however he wants, but to me it feels icky, whether I'm the canceling partner or the "replacement," that he immediately jumps to "I can't see one partner so I'll just see another." He did that to me a few times when another partner canceled on him (i.e. she canceled, so he called me to see if I was available), and I didn't feel any better about that than I did about this. When he does that, it feels to me like he's viewing us as interchangeable rather than individuals. I'm not sure how well I'm explaining it; it's a bit hard to put into words how I feel about that. What I can say is that when the situation has been reversed, and he has been the one to cancel, there have been times I've found something else to do, but I haven't seen another partner or gone on a date with a potential partner, because to me that feels like replacing him.
Regarding the phone convo and how you found out, I second that it might just be worth agreeing that if he's with someone else, he doesn't answer your phone call. He can always text you back right away and say "I'm with someone, I'll call you as soon as I'm alone."
That sounds like a good solution, and it's something he has done at times.
But would you also be willing to consider re-evaluating your needs around privacy and see if that's something that you would potentially like to become more flexible on? Sure, it isn't anyone elses business what you're saying.... but if what you're saying is basically just some harmless chit chat to check in, then does it really matter if someone occasionally hears a few words of a response? How is that any different than having a conversation with someone out in public where people passing you on the street or sitting at the next table over in a restaurant might overhear snippets of conversation? Are you concerned that anyone overhearing might actually care what you're saying and so you'll feel judged?
This is another thing where it's hard to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I'm trying not to use my past as an excuse, but it is an explanation; I grew up in a situation where I had very little privacy, and when I was married to my kids' father, he gave me NO privacy. Because of all that, it is very important to me to be able to have privacy in the situations I feel I need it. Phone calls are one of those situations. It isn't about what I'm saying or whether someone else will judge me, it just plain isn't their business and I don't want them listening in on something that isn't their business.
I'm feeling very angry about this issue (privacy) right now, and I want to make it clear it is NOT anger at you or the suggestion, but just at the idea of giving up any privacy at all because I feel like I've had to fight for it in the first place.
I understand what you're saying about having conversations out in public, but to me, it *isn't* the same thing. In public, I *know* other people might overhear, and I can make the decision of what I say or whether I say anything at all. I can also lower my voice to make it less likely someone else will overhear. If there's someone listening at the other end of a phone call...Well, if I don't know about it, I can't make the decision of what I say or whether I say anything, because I don't know someone might overhear. I also can't control whether the person I'm actually talking to takes any steps to prevent being overheard.
Basically, I don't care what anyone overhearing thinks of me or of what I say, but I don't think they have any business or right overhearing in the first place. My conversation. My privacy. My boundary.
Of course, if you need to have a serious conversation or it's something that either person explicity feels is super private and no one should know, then absolutely people shouldn't talk in front of others. But I guess I'm asking.... have you thought about WHY it bothers you so much that others might happen to hear or see what you're doing? What benefit does such extreme privacy ultimately provide for you? The cost certainly seems to be a higher level of isolation and suspicion about those around you.
See above. It isn't about being suspicious. It's about it not being anyone's business what I'm saying except the person I'm saying it to. It's about having certain requirements for privacy in certain situations. I understand not everyone has those requirements, and that's fine, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong to have them.
I'm not sure how having random people I'm not connected to overhearing my conversation would serve to counter isolation. That sounds to me like I'm supposed to share everything with people I don't know or don't have any desire to connect with just so I'm not isolated. I don't think that's what you meant, so please clarify?
My last thought is that it seems like you struggle with providing people with the benefit of the doubt, even if they are someone that you feel is doing the right/kind thing most of the time. In this case, you've been with this partner for 3 years and he has repeatedly showed you that he's not trying to replace you, that he cares about you, etc. etc. and yet at this first instance of him making plans with another partner after you cancelled the date, you instantly assume that he is trying to replace you. And when you find out from him over the phone, it seems like you're making some other assumptions about him not respecting privacy, etc. Is it possible that he forgot? Or just got sidetracked? Or thought that the conversation was so benign that there wasn't anything "private" to protect? Or even if he knew all of those things, you clearly mean a lot to him, so at what point is it worth considering "ok, I'm not happy about the way that went down, but I know how he feels about me so he probably didn't mean any harm."
I think you know those things already to a certain point, but it's a matter of figuring out how to turn off the initial "jump to the really bad place" reaction and not let that get carried away in your mind first. Sadly I don't have any great advice on how to catch that and stop that cycle other than maybe trying to find a way to pause and have a list of questions to ask yourself, or something that can pull your mind out of that spiral so that you can attempt to think differently about the situation.
Not sure if any of that was helpful or not, but there's my 2 cents! I hope that being able to get your thoughts out helps you work through this though!
Thank you. Yes, I acknowledge that I sometimes have trouble giving people the benefit of the doubt. I will say, though, that while this is the first time this *particular* scenario has occurred, it is not the first time I've been afraid he'll replace me. That's a constant fear with anyone I get involved with, though I manage it much more appropriately with other partners than with my boyfriend. That might be because he's the first partner I had who actually had other partners, whereas with partners I've had since who are poly, I've had the experience with my boyfriend so it's easier to manage with them.
Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and I'm going to have to think about it to figure out why I can feel "used to it" with other partners, but not with my boyfriend who is my original poly partner.
I also acknowledge that I tend to catastrophize, and while I am able to recognize that I'm doing so, and I do try to logic myself out of it by correcting or changing those thoughts, the latter part is a work in progress. I'm better about it than I used to be, but sometimes the irrational emotions are still louder than the rational "You know that isn't how it is." I'm working on making the rational louder.
I do know he didn't intend any hurt or harm. I haven't questioned that. My intention in posting this thread--though I may not have been clear about it in my first post--was to acknowledge that *I* was not handling the situation well, and try to figure out healthier ways to handle any similar situations that might arise, as well as how to better address my insecurities so I don't have the constant fear of being replaced. It wasn't so much about what *he* did as about how *I* responded. *He* didn't do anything wrong or inappropriate. I did.
I appreciate your input, and it is helpful. Thank you.