Kevin and Sonja, thank you. In my case, in many ways Hubby and I are more sexually compatible than S2 and I (assuming S2 and I were still having sex, which we aren't, but anyway)... but as far as the reasons for having sex and the desired outcome, S2 and I are more compatible. He and I both see sex as a way to deepen our emotional connection; it's about making each other feel good as well, but it's more about the physical closeness and the emotions that go along with us. The biggest thing that's making me okay with not having sex with him right now is that we still cuddle, and even if we're fully clothed, the cuddling still gives both of us that closeness, intimacy, and emotions.
Hubby, on the other hand, sees sex as being about proving something. Proving that he's good at it. Proving that he can make his partner feel good. Proving that he can feel good too. With him also, it's about the physical closeness and connection, but there's no emotional intimacy or connection involved. And it's about making sure his partner gets off.
Prime example: For a few months earlier this year, I was on an antidepressant that pretty much made me unable to orgasm through masturbation or through the usual sexual activities with either of the guys. I was warned that one side effect was lowering of libido, but I respond unpredictably to meds, so my libido was actually higher than without the meds. I just couldn't come.
Both men, in humorous non-pressurey ways, said they were taking that as a challenge. But S2's version of "taking it as a challenge" was joking with me, being playful, finding humor in trying things that were awkward and weird but that he thought might make me come. He never actually *expected* me to come; he just hoped I would. Whereas Hubby's version of taking it as a challenge was becoming very intense, focused, and serious on the ultimate goal of getting me off. It wasn't fun; it was a competition where he was apparently trying to compete with the medication. Even though his statement that he would take it as a challenge was non-pressurey, his methods of trying to meet the challenge did make me feel pressured, frustrated, and even angry.
Despite the medication, with S2, I didn't have trouble orgasming. I didn't come as many times as without the meds, but I came. With Hubby... nope. Not at all. Because S2 didn't see the challenge so much as making me come, as helping me relax and enjoy myself whether I came or not, and he hoped I would come because he knows I like to come; Hubby flat-out saw the challenge as making me come, and he wanted me to come to show him that he could meet the challenge.
S2 once referred to sex with me as "making love." I despise that phrasing for a number of reasons, but from him it didn't rankle me as much as it has from the other partners who've used it, because for him--and for me with him--love genuinely is a factor in it. (Even though he says he doesn't love me.) But when Hubby calls it making love, my immediate, automatic response every time is, "No, it's fucking, love has nothing to do with it"--because that's how it feels with him. Sex and love are completely separate things.
A2Poly, your problem with orgasming is along the lines of the reason I avoid receiving oral sex... It's difficult for me to come from oral, and partners in the past have put pressure on me to come when they've gone down on me because otherwise they felt like they weren't man enough or some shit. Because of the pressure, I started faking orgasms during oral, and now I can't come at all from it because I'm worried that I won't come soon enough, so I either push them away or fake it.
If you've had pressure or guilt trips from other partners for not being able to orgasm, it's no wonder you find it difficult! And I'm sorry Mal put guilt on you for it, especially after you told him how much you appreciated him not doing that.
Can you explain to him that for you, sex with him is about feeling good and feeling close, not about getting off? That the things he does are wonderful and you love being so physically close with him, and coming isn't what you're looking for? Some people, no matter how understanding they are, can't get past the idea that sex is supposed to have a definable ending, and that definable ending is supposed to be an orgasm. If there's a way to convince Mal that for you, sex is about the process, not the outcome, he might not have so much of an issue with it.
It's also, in my opinion, important for him to realize that by not accepting that you can't orgasm, or at least can't do so easily, he's disrespecting you and acting as though you're being dishonest. He's expecting you to change something that isn't within your control, and that isn't fair to you.