changing boundaries for the sake of your relationships?

Yeah, it is kind of odd. Lol. I just believe if you love somebody you accept them as they are. Even if that means accepting that they love other people. I am also very independent and I think he deserves that same independence. I just want us to be free to enjoy our lives and a big part of that is love. I want us both to be free of any constricting possibly outdated moral code. That may get in the way of that. Which is why when we started dating again I suggested polyamory. I created the boundaries and for a while it worked. But it's obviously not working anymore.

And yeah, I have seen other people in the past. Though, I'm not seeing anyone seriously right now. A date here and there.
 
And as far as me describing myself as anti-social. I'm just trying to put this in perspective. I like a very few select group of people. I'm a homebody, I keep to myself. I like my privacy-shorthand translates to kind of anti-social. I recently got a job on the weekends at a ren fair to kind of counteract that aspect of myself. Try to get more in the "big groups of strange people is ok" mentality. I know I have quirks that are less then ideal but, it's me and I'm trying.
 
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I always thought I was an antisocial extrovert but now that I'm older I'm thinking im really a social introvert. I don't like social gatherings unless it's with people I actually want to spend time with. I go to stuff with Nate but honestly im bored and don't talk to anyone other than awkward chit chat. I'm pretty sure most people think I'm stuck up, I've been accused of that even as a young girl
 
Hi Darkeztdoll,

As far as I know there's no rule in poly that says you have to befriend or even meet any of your metamours ... although if you do have to meet for some reason, you should at least be able to be polite to each other. And if you and a metamour are both involved enough with your SO to warrant spending holidays and special occasions together, then there will have to be scheduling, taking turns, and the possibility of problems like the Superbowl which you'll need to learn to work out harmoniously.

However it sounds like your SO is insisting that you rub shoulders with T, so I guess you'll have to make a decision whether you can stand to be around T as much as your SO wants you to. I think it's unfortunate he couldn't somehow compromise with you on this point. But if he won't compromise, then you'll have to either break up with him or alter your boundaries.

There's no rule that says you can't alter your boundaries. Your boundaries are yours. You just have to determine whether you can really eventually be happy with the alterations your SO is demanding. There's no sense in sending yourself down a tunnel that will only lead to resentment and unhappiness. But if you're optimistic about where the tunnel will lead, and you're willing to alter your boundaries, by all means do so.

Sorry T's letter was so patronizing. Let's chalk it up to the smoke that was left behind by the Superbowl drama; I'm sure everyone was in a bad mood about that.

I hope you'll be able to work out something that all three of you can live with.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Wow, thank you so much Kevin T. That was... An incredibly objective response. I really appreciate it. Seriously, very helpful!
 
I would describe myself as an anti-social introvert. I REALLY don't like interacting with people I don't know or don't have a personal connection with (despite the fact that I do it professionally).

That being said, I would have a really difficult time being okay with someone having a relationship with one of my boys (or even one of my FRIENDS) who wasn't willing to even be in the same LOCATION with me. What?!? I am so toxic that you can't even afford me the same courtesy that you would a stranger at the supermarket? We share a lover for christ-sake?!? We don't need to be best-buds or anything, but unable to share a public space? Nope. Too weird for me.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

If you want to try this compromise thing on for a time, you could. You can always change your mind later if it does not pan out being in same space as [(you +him) and her.]

We keep saying repeatedly during these conversations "I love you and I want to be with you but I need ____." It's like a mantra at this point

I wonder more about this part ... The stuff between you and him.

These are needs to me.

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

What needs are not being met here? Could you be willing to clarify?

I also wonder where your well being is in your considerations. Like this bit...

It looks like I have to get on the wagon to happy friendly compromise town or lose my relationship...

Rather than it being about you being in a relationship or not being in a relationship here? Why is it not about what is healthy for you?

Are you able to step back and evaluate from that lens? Before you get all into making compromises and stuff.... Is this a healthy thing for you to even be in? You talk about feeling pressured, manipulated, etc.

You can arrange your polyships however it is you like with your people. I just hope you are doing it in ways that are healthy for you. And not like subsuming yourself to the relationship or doing things you really do not want to do just to avoid a break up or avoid badgering. Or hanging with "give an inch take a mile" types.

He was an ex before for a reason. Did those things ever get resolved or if this just more of same in new poly package? That might be something else to consider as you do your soul searching.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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It' basically been me saying " I love you and I want to be with you, but I need time to heal from recent mishaps, before I can start to consider change.

He says" I love you and I want to be with you but I need for us to start changing and I need it now."

Oh I didn't see he rest of it on my phone... These are all valid points... Give me a sec to think about it...
 
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These are not needs expressed in a way I find clear cut.

Yours is clearer than his though.

It' basically been me saying " I love you and I want to be with you, but I need time to heal from recent mishaps, before I can start to consider change.

I could be wrong, but to me that sounds like....
  • I love you.
  • I want to be with you.
  • I need EMPATHY from you at this time.
    • I want to heal from recent mishaps. (You are in charge of spending time on healing)
    • I want time to do it in before I start thinking about new changes. (You are in charge of taking the time you need if you need a time out)

He says" I love you and I want to be with you but I need for us to start changing and I need it now."

I could be wrong, but that sounds like

  • I love you.
  • I want to be with you.
  • I need _______.
    • I want us to make changes. I want them now.
      • I do _____. (He is in charge of this)
      • You do _______. (He sounds demanding rather than ASKING you if you are willing to do this. Right now the answer is "No, not willing at this time. Healing first.)
He seems to confuse wants with needs. Also not a very patient or empathetic sounding person. What is his need that is so urgent it has to happen NOW? Where's the fire? :confused:

If he wants changes right now and you cannot do it right now, you could say "No, thank you. I am taking a time out to meet my own needs for healing first." You could be willing for him process his disappointment with that answer on his own. He could handle his stuff.

YOU could handle your stuff. You could take the time you need for YOU to heal and be healthier before dealing with the next thing. Because you put your health and well-being ahead of anything else -- even this relationship. That is not selfish -- that is necessary. No loving partner wants you to run dry, hurt, or break yourself.

I think this approach could be a lot less stress for you in the long run:

If both cannot co-handle things together? Be ok saying "no." Be ok with with him dealing with his stuff and you dealing with your stuff separately first. Before trying to come back together to solve the next problem.

Galagirl
 
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I'm happy to compromise on things like where to eat, where to hang out and that sort of thing.

If compromise might cause me to live in a way that I don't wish to live, then I'd rather let the relationship go. No relationship is worth that sort of compromise IMO.
 
I guess it depends what your overall goal in life is.

Personally, I think there's an issue if you're not willing to be in the same room as someone you've never even met. It's not like you and she were in an abusive relationship and you're avoiding her for personal safety. You're avoiding her because of some insecurity.

Now, if your goal in life is to grow and overcome your weaknesses, then you might want to figure out what's the underlying insecurity that makes you so uncomfortable about meeting your bf's other partners. Then it's not about compromise and doing things you don't want, it's learning to want new things that help you grow as a person. Work on self-acceptance and self-love, look for personal validation in places other than relationships, and generally learn that your personal worth isn't based on another person. It's a much bigger challenge than just a few compromises, but the rewards are also much greater.

But if your goal in life is just to get through the day and leave personal growth for another incarnation, then they can piss off. Anyone who tries to control your behaviour is not worth it, love him or not. For him to not only enable but encourage his other gf to try and tell you how to live your life is completely disrespectful of your autonomy.

The reason I think it's an insecurity thing is that you didn't want to meet her not because of who she is as a person, but because of the relationship she has with your boyfriend. You want him all to yourself when you're with him at events that she's at, which speaks to seeking validation of your worth and value as a function of his attention, rather than innate value in and of yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does. You're hardly the first person to have insecurity issues, and for polyamory to make them bubble to the surface faster than baking soda in vinegar... but until you get to the bottom of them, you can make all the compromises in the world and you'll never really be content with any of it.
 
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