Moving Too Fast

agentcupcake

New member
Hi all! I'm brand new to both polyamory and polyamory.com. I just wanted advice or to least talk to folks who get it since my SO and I are not out to our friends.

To provide some backstory, my husband and I decided to try polyamory a couple of months ago. Once I got the "okay" from him to start dating I quickly found a guy online who I meshed well with (he's also poly and married). The last few months have been a roller coaster to say the least. At this point we've said we consider each other bf/gf. I keep getting carried away with the NRE and the relationship keeps getting more serious. I'm not sure how ready I am for a serious relationship as this is my first poly relationship. I'm also challenged by how much he shares about his relationship with his wife without considering that this is so new for me. I know that a major part of polyamory is working through jealously but I don't really want to know about all the things they do together. He likes to tell me EVERYTHING about his life and I feel like it's been harder to set-up boundaries the further along we go down the serious relationship path. Again, I don't even know if I want a LTR, I've only known this person a couple of months.

Advice on how to set-up boundaries after they've been crossed?
 
Why can't you just say, "I'm glad you're so happy with your wife, but I'm finding that I'm uncomfortable with how much you share with me about her and your marriage. I'd appreciate it if you could tone down the sharing a bit, and maybe ask me if it's okay to tell me something before you do."

That's essentially what Hubby said to me when I was oversharing during the initial stages of one of my relationships. So now I might say "Woody took me out to dinner," but I won't go into details unless Hubby asks; or, if I have something I really want to share, I might say "Is it okay if I tell you what Woody said when he took me out to dinner?"
 
Hi agentcupcake,

It sounds like you need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a talk about what you feel is or isn't appropriate at this stage in the relationship. As a part of that, you could remind him that you are new to poly, and that some things are overwhelming to you right now.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
When you mesh well with someone and things just seem to be going so well it can sometimes be hard to communicate as openly as you need to. At least for me it was challenging to bring up hard topics when all I wanted to do was revel in the NRE. I will admit I'm still not good at it, but I realize how important it is and I continue to work on it. It helps to remind myself to assume positive intent on behalf of my partners, and trust they want me to be happy and have my needs met too. And if they don't, well that's information worth knowing.
 
You could ask him how his wife feels about him sharing their intimate details? Might make him think twice if he's sharing stuff that he hasn't discussed with her or she wouldn't want him to.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I think you already kinda said it in your post:

"I'm not sure how ready I am for a serious relationship as this is my first poly relationship. I'm also challenged by how much he shares about his relationship with his wife without considering that this is so new for me."

So you could add a bit more so it is something like:

"I'm not sure I am looking for a serious relationship. I am challenged by how much you share about your relationship with your wife with me this soon this intensely. Poly is still really new for me. I feel overwhelmed by the volume of info. I prefer to hear less at this time. Could you be willing to dial that down some? What kind of relationship are you looking for with me? "​

And he either meets your request or not to dial it down. And he clarifies what he is looking for or not.

If he keeps on stepping on your toes, you could drop him. If he won't say what he's looking for, you could drop him.

Because you didn't want to get into a serious relationship anyway and this one isn't a match if he doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated or doesn't communicate what he's seeking.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. But it makes it faster to sort all that out if you speak up for yourself and SAY how you want to be treated and ask clarifying questions.

People are not mind readers. Speak up.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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