Norwegianpoly
New member
Hi,
summary; my husband dobuts poly after four years of me dating my boyfriend. What am I going to do?
the full text; my husband says things have changed for him. He is not as comfortable with poly as he once was. He had a girlfriend for a short while a few years ago, and said after that he did not think he wanted another girlfriend for himself. The whole affair with the girlfriend was quite messy, and so I was happy at the time that he did not want another attempt. I have dated my husband many years and I also have a boyfriend I am serious with. My boyfriend is monogamous. Husband and I just finished writing our wills, in which we leave everything to each other, and, if we both die, his brother and my boyfriend inherits what we own (basically our flat). My boyfriend is younger and has no property, except for some family related ones which I have no interest in inheriting. Husband and I have contemplated legal divorce and remarriage to relocate my boyfriend, but not discussed this with him yet (that is obviously off the table now).
Our situation the past year has been stressful. My boyfriend was a work conflict with his boss and had a depressive reaction from it, luckily now he has a better job in a different place. My husband's job is going through a lot of structural change which he and his work mates doe not like, he tried for a while to apply for other jobs and I pushed him to not do that because he was getting stressed from it. I used to work only part time due to my health, the last eight months I have worked full time and now I am setting up my own company. My mum is sick, my dad takes it hard, and the whole family is grieving. Three months ago my younger brother moved out from my parents' house to sleep on the spare bed in our office, and we agree that he has to find a place of his own. Openness about poly is an issue; we are partly open.
I appreciate the honesty of my husband about his doubts about poly and the poly lifestyle, and I imagine that he thought about it for a while. At the same time, he is more impulsive than me, so what he says I dont believe as "facts" until he has stayed with the idea for a while (two months ago he said he wanted kids and legal divorce). I dont think he has fallen out of love with me. I understand that living poly can be very hard for some, even for many. I also understand that our version of poly it puts strains on my husband, financially and otherwise. I understand that getting children into a situation like this is challenging and have agreed to postphone having kids even if I took out my IUD TWO weeks ago on his request. I know my husband is fickle and has trouble staying with ideas and plans. I know this and I love him.
My boyfriend talked last year about the "impossability" of poly last year, but after he left his old job our relationship actually improved and he started having ideas of marrying me. With that in mind, I am not taking what my husband says too seriously and want to just focus on bettering our life, thinking that perhaps our relationship too will be better from it. My husband has been upset about my boyfriend not engaging so much directly with him the last year, it is hard because of the time difference and we are all working.
Both men have my heart, and my number one nightmare is to to loose one or both of them. Husband does not ask me to choose, but considers backing off. I risk that, if my boyfriend find out about the doubts of my husband, he will want to back off because he dont want to break up a marriage. So at the end of the day, I am asked to choose here. Loosing my husband feels unreal and loosing my boyfriend feels as as comfortable sawing off my own foot. My plan for now is just to continue to see both of them, with no further plans made for kids/marriage/relocation stuff. My husband is very loving towards me and we actually had sex after he told me about his doubts (he says he thought I would want to kick him out of bed, but I dont see why). I think that the time being is a bad one to make huge decitions for the future. The only reason we planned kids now, is that we already postphoned kids due to my health and I am not getting any younger.
I know noone can fix things, I am just hoping for some thoughts and ideas from people in here. Perhaps some of you have gone through similar things.
summary; my husband dobuts poly after four years of me dating my boyfriend. What am I going to do?
the full text; my husband says things have changed for him. He is not as comfortable with poly as he once was. He had a girlfriend for a short while a few years ago, and said after that he did not think he wanted another girlfriend for himself. The whole affair with the girlfriend was quite messy, and so I was happy at the time that he did not want another attempt. I have dated my husband many years and I also have a boyfriend I am serious with. My boyfriend is monogamous. Husband and I just finished writing our wills, in which we leave everything to each other, and, if we both die, his brother and my boyfriend inherits what we own (basically our flat). My boyfriend is younger and has no property, except for some family related ones which I have no interest in inheriting. Husband and I have contemplated legal divorce and remarriage to relocate my boyfriend, but not discussed this with him yet (that is obviously off the table now).
Our situation the past year has been stressful. My boyfriend was a work conflict with his boss and had a depressive reaction from it, luckily now he has a better job in a different place. My husband's job is going through a lot of structural change which he and his work mates doe not like, he tried for a while to apply for other jobs and I pushed him to not do that because he was getting stressed from it. I used to work only part time due to my health, the last eight months I have worked full time and now I am setting up my own company. My mum is sick, my dad takes it hard, and the whole family is grieving. Three months ago my younger brother moved out from my parents' house to sleep on the spare bed in our office, and we agree that he has to find a place of his own. Openness about poly is an issue; we are partly open.
I appreciate the honesty of my husband about his doubts about poly and the poly lifestyle, and I imagine that he thought about it for a while. At the same time, he is more impulsive than me, so what he says I dont believe as "facts" until he has stayed with the idea for a while (two months ago he said he wanted kids and legal divorce). I dont think he has fallen out of love with me. I understand that living poly can be very hard for some, even for many. I also understand that our version of poly it puts strains on my husband, financially and otherwise. I understand that getting children into a situation like this is challenging and have agreed to postphone having kids even if I took out my IUD TWO weeks ago on his request. I know my husband is fickle and has trouble staying with ideas and plans. I know this and I love him.
My boyfriend talked last year about the "impossability" of poly last year, but after he left his old job our relationship actually improved and he started having ideas of marrying me. With that in mind, I am not taking what my husband says too seriously and want to just focus on bettering our life, thinking that perhaps our relationship too will be better from it. My husband has been upset about my boyfriend not engaging so much directly with him the last year, it is hard because of the time difference and we are all working.
Both men have my heart, and my number one nightmare is to to loose one or both of them. Husband does not ask me to choose, but considers backing off. I risk that, if my boyfriend find out about the doubts of my husband, he will want to back off because he dont want to break up a marriage. So at the end of the day, I am asked to choose here. Loosing my husband feels unreal and loosing my boyfriend feels as as comfortable sawing off my own foot. My plan for now is just to continue to see both of them, with no further plans made for kids/marriage/relocation stuff. My husband is very loving towards me and we actually had sex after he told me about his doubts (he says he thought I would want to kick him out of bed, but I dont see why). I think that the time being is a bad one to make huge decitions for the future. The only reason we planned kids now, is that we already postphoned kids due to my health and I am not getting any younger.
I know noone can fix things, I am just hoping for some thoughts and ideas from people in here. Perhaps some of you have gone through similar things.