How do I even bring this up?

SilverRaven

New member
Hey there cutie,

I've been told have a problem distinguishing between love and friendship, which may be true, but I've never felt that it's a problem.

To give a bit of context, I've had issues with relationships because I would choose to give a friend a ride somewhere instead of hanging out with my girlfriend sort of thing. And rarely there were more extreme cases, nothinng sexual, but I just consistently choose whomever I think needs me there more at the time, which hasn't worked in monogamous relationships for me.

The thing is, I love my sexual partner, but I also love my male roommate just as much, I'd do anything for him, we just don't have sex. In my mind it's completely equal, he's just straight and seeing someone therefore it isn't a sexual love.

How the hell can I bring this up to someone? I have two friends who just don't believe me, and I love them too, I just can't tell them that because it would hurt them, being as they both told me on more than one occasion they want to start a monogamous relationship with me.

I'm not the kind of guy who has had women approach me like this, I'm generally just the guy in the back listening and laughing at peoples jokes.

Up until now I just sit down and shut up about this stuff, I never want to hurt someone, and it's impossible for someone else who experiences love for just one person to understand, it just sounds like I want to sleep around.

So again, any advice on how I could go about bringing this up to someone?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I'm having trouble understanding your difficulty though. Could you please be willing to clarify?

How the hell can I bring this up to someone? I have two friends who just don't believe me, and I love them too, I just can't tell them that because it would hurt them, being as they both told me on more than one occasion they want to start a monogamous relationship with me.

Do you want to have a monogamous relationship with them? Doesn't sound like it. Are you not able to say

"I'm flattered, but I don't want to have a monogamous relationship with you. I want to have friendship with you."​

And leave it at that?:confused: If they don't want to believe you at your Word? It isn't your job to convince them.

They might feel disappointed to hear that you don't want monogamy with them, but... that's not you doing something TO them. Or your hurting them deliberately. It's just the situation not lining up for that to happen. Nobody's fault.

You could let go of worrying about hurting people. You are not responsible for doing everyone's emotional management for them. You also don't have to JADE -- justify, argue, defend, or explain how you want to be living your life.

Are you wanting something else? For them to understand you do not experience love like they do? You can tell them as plain as possible. How about

"I don't experience love like you do. To me, I love people the same. What activities I share with them are different. Like I do A, B, C, and share sex with person X. I love them. I do B, C, D and do not share sex with person Y. I love them too. I don't sleep around, but I also don't do monogamy."​

Whether or not they understand that? Their ability to understand is on them. Not up to you.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from SilverRaven):
"So again, any advice on how I could go about bringing this up to someone?"

What is it that you want to bring up? Is it that you wish to tell people that you are polyamorous? If so, perhaps you could start out by saying, "I should let you know, I'm nonmonogamous." You can then answer any questions they may have.
 
Hmmmm.

I have a friend, Blondie. We tell each other we love each other all the time. It's strictly platonic. It would be very awkward if it became romantic on her part. She doesn't get the whole non-monogamy thing. Is that what you are talking about?
 
Google 'relationship anarchy.' There is some discussion of it on this board too. While you don't mention hierarchy explicitly, people who do RA also don't make distinctions between romantic, sexual, or platonic relationships. This kinda sounds similar to how you experience friendships.

As for your monogamous friends who want to monogamously date you, you could tell you what you wrote above. Seems like a good summary of how you experience friendship and love to me.
 
It's funny that Opalescent recommended you look up relationship anarchy. I read your post yesterday, didn't think I had anything to contribute, woke up this morning and thought to myself, I think this might help.

Relationship anarchy as I understand it, is that it can be whatever the people who are in it define it to be.

Good luck!
-Shaya
 
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