Shaya
New member
In reply to just the title of this thread: "mono folks who are open only to save a marriage", I feel these mono folks fall into 2 large categories.
Category 1: there already is a specific third person on the table.
This is an (emotional or physical) affair. With obvious exceptions which I have highlighted on other threads, I feel the couple will be unlilely to do polyamory together in the near future. Choosing to change your relationship rules (from monogamy to polyamory) for a third person can feel very threatening to your existing partner. What else will you change in our relationship for this third person? Scary stuff. Your partner probably feels a lack of control over where life is heading. Having said that, here's a clever girl who did the transition slowly, over a year, though you may argue that she didn't do it to save the marriage. Maybe doing it slowly over a year makes her husband see polyamory as icing on the cake of a strong marriage, rather than as a (subtle or unsubtle) demand for polyamory, making it easier to transition?
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/search.php?searchid=668998
Category 2: conscious choice to open in order to save your (previously monogamous) marriage without a predetermined third person.
This is clearly more likely to work. This category includes people who marry, identify as non monogamous and then research the philosophy of poly. They work together to create an ethical framework and then try to do poly right. They do it because whilst they enjoy their partners company, they recognise that monogamy "till life do us part" is unlikely to work and serial monogamy is not what they want. A conscious choice to open the relationship (swinging, poly, whatever) on both parties after sufficient research and a cooling off period ( cooling off period after the inevitable "NRE-like" high of thinking you can sleep with the whole world), sounds to me like a healthy way to open "just to save the marriage."
Other categories that are worth mentioning but don't fall under the umbrella of the title include 1 or both people agreeing to enter a relationship with the intent to try an open relationship for the first time.
In summary, couples who open purely to save the relationship can be doing so under duress or doing so in advance of such anticipated duress. It seems to me that the majority of us are doing poly because we wouldn't want to do monogamy or serial monogamy or cheating or .... etc. Condemming monogamous couples who claim to be opening just to save their marriage can be shortsighted because it fails to consider the varied myriad of reasons or timeframes over which this happens. Monogamous couples who open due to true consent, including a "cooling off" window are likely to be doing this healthily. Couples who do this without true consent, whilst under duress with a third party already on the table, without time to "cool off" from the initial excitement of wanting to try something so radical, or with significant other relationship stressors are more likely to suffer unwanted heartbreak.
Category 1: there already is a specific third person on the table.
This is an (emotional or physical) affair. With obvious exceptions which I have highlighted on other threads, I feel the couple will be unlilely to do polyamory together in the near future. Choosing to change your relationship rules (from monogamy to polyamory) for a third person can feel very threatening to your existing partner. What else will you change in our relationship for this third person? Scary stuff. Your partner probably feels a lack of control over where life is heading. Having said that, here's a clever girl who did the transition slowly, over a year, though you may argue that she didn't do it to save the marriage. Maybe doing it slowly over a year makes her husband see polyamory as icing on the cake of a strong marriage, rather than as a (subtle or unsubtle) demand for polyamory, making it easier to transition?
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/search.php?searchid=668998
Category 2: conscious choice to open in order to save your (previously monogamous) marriage without a predetermined third person.
This is clearly more likely to work. This category includes people who marry, identify as non monogamous and then research the philosophy of poly. They work together to create an ethical framework and then try to do poly right. They do it because whilst they enjoy their partners company, they recognise that monogamy "till life do us part" is unlikely to work and serial monogamy is not what they want. A conscious choice to open the relationship (swinging, poly, whatever) on both parties after sufficient research and a cooling off period ( cooling off period after the inevitable "NRE-like" high of thinking you can sleep with the whole world), sounds to me like a healthy way to open "just to save the marriage."
Other categories that are worth mentioning but don't fall under the umbrella of the title include 1 or both people agreeing to enter a relationship with the intent to try an open relationship for the first time.
In summary, couples who open purely to save the relationship can be doing so under duress or doing so in advance of such anticipated duress. It seems to me that the majority of us are doing poly because we wouldn't want to do monogamy or serial monogamy or cheating or .... etc. Condemming monogamous couples who claim to be opening just to save their marriage can be shortsighted because it fails to consider the varied myriad of reasons or timeframes over which this happens. Monogamous couples who open due to true consent, including a "cooling off" window are likely to be doing this healthily. Couples who do this without true consent, whilst under duress with a third party already on the table, without time to "cool off" from the initial excitement of wanting to try something so radical, or with significant other relationship stressors are more likely to suffer unwanted heartbreak.