Mono Folks Who Are Only Open To Save A Marriage

In reply to just the title of this thread: "mono folks who are open only to save a marriage", I feel these mono folks fall into 2 large categories.

Category 1: there already is a specific third person on the table.
This is an (emotional or physical) affair. With obvious exceptions which I have highlighted on other threads, I feel the couple will be unlilely to do polyamory together in the near future. Choosing to change your relationship rules (from monogamy to polyamory) for a third person can feel very threatening to your existing partner. What else will you change in our relationship for this third person? Scary stuff. Your partner probably feels a lack of control over where life is heading. Having said that, here's a clever girl who did the transition slowly, over a year, though you may argue that she didn't do it to save the marriage. Maybe doing it slowly over a year makes her husband see polyamory as icing on the cake of a strong marriage, rather than as a (subtle or unsubtle) demand for polyamory, making it easier to transition?
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/search.php?searchid=668998

Category 2: conscious choice to open in order to save your (previously monogamous) marriage without a predetermined third person.
This is clearly more likely to work. This category includes people who marry, identify as non monogamous and then research the philosophy of poly. They work together to create an ethical framework and then try to do poly right. They do it because whilst they enjoy their partners company, they recognise that monogamy "till life do us part" is unlikely to work and serial monogamy is not what they want. A conscious choice to open the relationship (swinging, poly, whatever) on both parties after sufficient research and a cooling off period ( cooling off period after the inevitable "NRE-like" high of thinking you can sleep with the whole world), sounds to me like a healthy way to open "just to save the marriage."

Other categories that are worth mentioning but don't fall under the umbrella of the title include 1 or both people agreeing to enter a relationship with the intent to try an open relationship for the first time.

In summary, couples who open purely to save the relationship can be doing so under duress or doing so in advance of such anticipated duress. It seems to me that the majority of us are doing poly because we wouldn't want to do monogamy or serial monogamy or cheating or .... etc. Condemming monogamous couples who claim to be opening just to save their marriage can be shortsighted because it fails to consider the varied myriad of reasons or timeframes over which this happens. Monogamous couples who open due to true consent, including a "cooling off" window are likely to be doing this healthily. Couples who do this without true consent, whilst under duress with a third party already on the table, without time to "cool off" from the initial excitement of wanting to try something so radical, or with significant other relationship stressors are more likely to suffer unwanted heartbreak.
 
In reply to just the title of this thread: "mono folks who are open only to save a marriage", I feel these mono folks fall into 2 large categories.


This category includes people who marry, identify as non monogamous and then research the philosophy of poly. They work together to create an ethical framework and then try to do poly right. They do it because whilst they enjoy their partners company, they recognise that monogamy "till life do us part" is unlikely to work and serial monogamy is not what they want.



In my experience, they don't do this. They go in completely green, don't do any research, and just think that the third person will just magically fix what ails them and their marriage. Personally, I'll never be that band aid again. In a hypothetical world, they'd do what you describe. Most don't in the real world, though.
 
Hey! Just saw this thread. Too funny that the first response references me. Lol

I think Bluebird initially got into poly because of differences in sexual needs. Seems to have worked just fine going by her blog. Though I think she's properly poly to the point of marrying her new partner as well. They live together. So in that sense, her the poly was not as a marriage rescue tool (the marriage sounds fantastic from the word go and didn't seem to need rescuing).

I actually am aleady married to my second partner. :) Yes, we all live together.

I think opening up my marriage wasn't really a fix-the-relationship tool but a -fix-me tool. My previous 12 year relationship was full of sexual incompatibility, and I was aware from the time my husband DarkKnight and I started dating that my libido far outstripped his. It was an issue that predated everything. So he and I had been working on it from day 1, since it had broken up my first marriage and neither of us wanted it to destroy what we had. The difference was that DarkKnight was engaged and proactive about my needs, and was willing to try just about everything to help me. After almost a decade together, we were both in a place of ok, we have tried therapy and toys and scheduling and this is still an issue. We arrived at the idea together and our marriage was not broken in any other way. So the opening was healthy.

What turned out to be wonky for us is the act of adding more partners for me hasn't slaked my libido at all. That had been a shock, and I have had many partners initially talk a good game but ultimately can't keep up with my needs. At this point I find myself ultimately identifying as polyamorous 100%, but also as being incredibly horny. Lol So I have a second primary relationship that I consider just as permanent and strong as my marriage to DarkKnight. PunkRock is absolutely my husband in my heart and I have legally changed my name to reflect this, even though I can't have an official marriage certificate.

Up until recently I was open to the idea of a third primary, but ultimtely it comes down to the mental and physical health of any additional partners. I think this is true in even monogamous relationships. If they ain't healthy, it's going to be difficult. Where I am at now in my life, I am exhausted. I am not going to have the time to wait for someone to own their baggage, or their other partner's baggage. If I find another partner, it's going to be straight up for sex and that's probably going to be about it.
 
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I respectfully disagree if only to say that I would never tell anyone that doing so is stupid, because I think they probably have reasons that seem valid to them. Maybe in hindsight they will regret the choice, maybe not.

But again, my own experience colors my thinking. I was with my ex for 18 years. I was not happy, nor was our relationship healthy, after I'd say...some point year 1 or 2. But nor was it screaming and throwing shit bad. It sucked in a cold, usually passive aggressive way, but with a happy facade for family and kids. I kept all "adult conversations" away from our children. It was hard work, and no it was not fun.

But it was worth it. I will never, ever say it wasn't. I do not wish that we'd split up when it first went sour for us. Because at least my kids had some happy years. After we broke up, several things have come to pass that I expected. We are both struggling financially. He is a broken man in a wretched state of depression. Our kids suffer for not having two loving parents involved properly with them. The ONLY part that is really better (compared to, shall we say, the "lukewarm years") is my love/sex life. And while that is amazing, and I am grateful to have the chance to have a fulfilling love and sex life, my kids were and are more important.

We only broke up because he had a major life crisis and "lukewarm but ok" became "hostage situation at home." He snapped, after he got out of the Army.

I do get annoyed at people saying that a marriage should not be worked on or kept together for the kids (though having a baby into a troubled marriage IS a bad idea)...people have to live their lives as they see fit. If they think that the right thing to do, is to set aside their own needs for their kids, and they can make that work, I respect that. And the reality is, there is NO guarantee that greater happiness lies on the other side of a divorce. NONE. And once you burn that bridge, you are not going back.

My ex was a pain in the ass on a good day. I was not passionate for him, nor in love with him. Ever. But I often miss having a partner, who was as invested in our shared situation as I was, who had my back. I miss having a good name and good credit. I miss knowing that I would be able to give my kids Christmas presents. I miss knowing that if one of us lost a job, the other could probably keep disaster at bay until they found a new one. There is no help for me, no safety net, no family to fall back on, no loans I could take, no resources or assistance for which I qualify. That was never my situation when I was married.

I am ass over teakettle in love with Zen. I adore him. I don't know that I have ever loved one single human being with such intensity and passion. But I would (with sadness but certainty) trade it if I could, to erase the years of madness and keep the "lukewarm" thing going until my kids were grown. You bet your ass I would.

Wow, very potent and true words. Many people focus only on the "to thine own self be true" aspect of divorce, but those are far from the only considerations.
 
It's a complicated thing. I know you love your kids. I actually was reading on a confessions of miserable parents site, something I found on a CF board, and it was crazy how many people hated their lives because they had kids. They didn't hate or blame the kids themselves, just the shitty hand parenting dealt them. So, I totally feel horrible for anyone who finds themselves in such a horrible situation.

Y'know, it's funny. I think a lot of people would be happier if it was even acceptable to SAY you hated life-as-a-parent. This is not news to anyone that reads my blog, but parenting in many ways is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Add the usual caveats of how much I love my MiniMe - because I do, he's this weirdly intense little version of me with a few random touches of my Knight - but quite frankly I made the decision to have him for the wrong reasons and with incomplete information.

He was wanted and planned for, though the conception happened accidentally a few months early. But then I got laid off while pregnant and ended up being a work-at-home mom for the last five years, which I never meant to do. I *planned* on continuing to work full time, but the baby crazies made me think I should stay home and do ridiculously intense attachment parenting for a few years and then I couldn't figure out how to get back in the work force. And the thing is I don't really *like* 2-4 year old children, any of them... so yeah. It's been a bit of a prison that's only just now improving.

And I *knew* I didn't really like children until they were able to have an adult conversation - but *every single person I discussed this with* had the opinion that "it'll be different when it's yours", and given there was no way of proving that opinion without actually having a kid... well...

Society needs to be a *hell* of a lot more open and honest about the *downside* of parenting, and specifically needs to include childless-but-considering people in that conversation. There are a lot more only children who've never dealt with kids out there - both Knight and I are - and given that there's this unspoken - hell, spoken! - pressure not to talk about the bad sides, or to spin it as worth it? they're getting a biased view.

Sorry for the tangent, but it's seriously a button of mine.
 
I don't really like kids, particularly other people's kids.

I had two little brothers, and I cared for them intensely in their early childhood. My Mom had depression AND hypothyroidism that wasn't being treated properly. I know where she was coming from with that, I've felt the sheer crushing exhaustion that just keeps you trapped in your bed before. But at 9 years old, I was pretty much a Mom of an infant. When he was 4, and I was 13, it was arranged for me to move in with my Mom after divorce, and my little brother stayed with Dad & Stepmom. By then, my Mom had another new infant for me to care for, by a lover that she knew wasn't going to stick around, but she was so infatuated and in a state of tragic romance over the dude, she wanted his baby. So I got to take care of my other little brother, too.

I knew all about changing diapers, middle of the night feeding, loss of sleep, doing that weird little shuffle-dance-in-a-circle in the kitchen for HOURS AND HOURS because the baby just won't stop crying for no known reason...(I used to listen to Tom Petty while I did that.)

I used to have recurring nightmares, during those times and for years after, about my little brothers being in mortal peril of some kind and having to save them at the risk or cost of my own safety and life. I learned how to put a baby first at a young age. I knew what it meant. And I wanted freedom and independence for myself...but I didn't know how to get it.

When I graduated, my family made sure I had a minimum wage retail job and a little apartment, and knew how to ride the city bus (I didn't know how to drive) and that was it. No more help. So like many young people, I started looking to band together with anyone who was willing. I met my ex, and did not realize that his expectation of a relationship was this intensely controlling and lifelong commitment. He would freak out if he didn't know where I was at all times, he would beat up my friends behind my back when he thought they were trying to hook up with me...I did not knowingly consent to these things. And then...protection failed, hormones happened, and I was trapped. Now I had a baby to feed. Employment was sporadic and always at the bottom of the wage ladder, for both of us. We barely survived. 2 weeks after my son was born, I was down to 98 pounds (120 is my normal.) We had little food, and I was nursing him. All of my nutrition was going into the baby. I was walking hours in the heat of a summer that was killing people, through the ghetto in Cincinnati, to get free bread from the charities.

But life went on. I figured a couple years later, if I had the one kid, I didn't want him to be an only child, so I deliberately got and had another. Our income and prospects improved. We moved across the country...further and further from my family. He hated my family, and was happy to get me away from them...I did not see that I was being deliberately isolated from anyone who might support or side with me. He was controlling, insecure, and narcissistic. I was cold, efficient, and put myself in the role of "managing" him, along with the household. We were codependent like nobody's business. But it worked...in a weird way...it worked. And we had our good times among the bad.

I have often thought that I NEEDED to become a Mom when I did. Maybe not with a man like the one I wound up with, perhaps...but it did grow me up and teach me many things. It did make me feel like a stronger, more capable person. Regrets don't matter anyhow. We cannot remake the past.

But I do, if I advise anyone to do anything, advise others...don't make any decisions that permanently alter the course of your life path in ways that can't be undone or corrected, before about the age of 25 if you can avoid it. The basic scientific fact is that your brain is not done developing until your mid-20's. An 18 year old isn't really an adult, mentally. You don't see the real consequences, the years stretching out ahead of you, the ramifications of the paths you're choosing, when you're so young. And the biggest choice of them all isn't getting married, it's having children. A marriage can be undone fairly easily, that obligation dissolved. Kids...not so much.
 
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