HELP... advice needed

Ok, I need your help. I am a bi/pan queer woman. I am currently single, though still consider myself polyamorous by nature. I have been getting close to a man I see regularly, we have started flirting and I feel attracted to him and feel that something 'more' could definitely happen between us. BUT I also have a crush on his daughter who is not much younger than I am. >_< Is this wrong? Should I feel bad? I've never been in this situation before. What are the ethics of dating relatives in the poly community? WHY is this happening to me? :confused::eek:
 
Honestly, every person is different. Personally, I would be fine with someone dating both me and a sister/daughter/some-other-relative, but someone might be different. I say just ask them both about it and see what they think.
 
Think of how awkward it could make the relationship between the father and his daughter.

You are asking why this is happening to you as if you are a passive victim of circumstance. I just don't see this turning out well. You are fully capable of pulling back from one or both of them.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Crushes are just crushes. You don't have to feel bad about merely having them. Having some feelings is not you acting on them. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. That makes you human. Not guilty of any wrong doing.

That said, if you plan to actually date one or the other rather than enjoy the crushes from afar? You could pick one. Or choose not to date either one. YOU make your choices. You are not helpless here.

Even if they are up for it? If I were you? I wouldn't date both a father and a daughter. I choose what I get myself into. And that would be too close of relatives / too messy for me. But I am not you. You have to figure out what choices you want to make.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Hi Medialchimianiki,

You are not doing anything wrong, and sometimes things like this just happen. You should probably do some thinking about what lies in the realm of possibilities for you. Also you should talk it over with the man and his daughter. At least inform them of your feelings for them.

Tough situation. I hope you can figure it out, and that this forum can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is this wrong? Should I feel bad?
Wrong to feel what you feel? No.

Wrong to pursue it? Maybe. You'd be inserting yourself directly into familial politics, with no grounding in the backstory. Unless both people are utter verifiable saints, you WOULD soon enough find yourself expected to take the side of one (over which you might well lose BOTH).

And soon enough you'll start wondering about a threesome... :rolleyes:

Anyway, until you launch an actual intimate relationship with ONE, it's mere speculation to plan getting into bed with the rest of the clan.
 
Heya,

What an emotionally confusing situation. You're bi/pan queer and have polyed before. This makes you someone who has probably been judged by society for a great many 'sexually deviant' acts or morals and you've (presumably) just said "I don't care" or "bisexuality and polyamory are reasonably well established practice" or made some comment about "love" to satisfy society or family of your actions. But now your feelings connect you to a man and his daughter. Seems like, even in this forum, that crosses some sort of invisible line and you probably feel it too.

Society may just not be ready for this type of love.

On a similar note, I explored other sex acts society may not be willing to accept now that they may accept in future. I wonder if your situation counts as another example since I fail to see anything inherently ethically wrong with it. Would you care to comment either here or on the other thread as to your thoughts on this? I feel your thoughts on this could deeply challenge some of our beliefs about how open we are about so-called 'deviant' love practices.
 
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I didn't see the word "deviant" in this thread anywhere. I don't think sexual acts between any consenting adults are deviant. It just doesn't make sense to me why it would be a good idea to have a relationship both with a father and his daughter.

It's a guarantee that most relationships, in the end, fail. The fallout from the relationship failure in this scenario could be far more damaging than most. Why risk it?
 
I interpreted "deviant" as meaning that in the perception of some of mainstream society, things like bisexuality and polyamory are deviant. As far as some people are concerned, anyone who isn't straight, cisgender, vanilla, and monogamous is a deviant, and therefore many of us on this forum have probably been judged as being deviant in one way or another.
 
The word "deviant" definitely has a negative connotation in general. I just don't think anyone on THIS board was trying to say that OP is, in any way, deviant. I didn't agree with the potential pursuit of a father and daughter, but that's just because I'm thinking of the repercussions.
 
Right, I agree with you. I was just saying how I interpreted Shaya's use of the word "deviant"; I didn't see it as her saying the OP *is* deviant in any way, just that the OP has probably experienced being *called* deviant by virtue of being bi and poly, and so might be used to doing and considering things "society" would strongly disagree with.
 
I've had inappropriate crushes before. Both of my daughters got partners in their late teens. I thought their partners were really cute and hot. I enjoyed those feelings from afar. Big line there I didn't cross. Over time, as I got to know those partners, my crushes abated. I've had lots and lots of crushes in my life, mostly because I was in a semi-unfulfilling marriage for a long time. I knew full well crushes come, and then they go, if you don't act on the feelings.

If I were you in this situation, I would pursue the relationship with the man, and enjoy the attraction you have to his daughter, but not act on it. If that is too difficult, I'd step back from both.
 
I meant acts that society may see as deviating from whatever norm that member of society believes the norm should be.
 
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