So It Ended and I feel so Numb

Like I don't want the relationship to end but I felt I needed to step back.

I took the advice of the forum and tried to meet our shared partner and go out for our visitation. I was going to take us to a park so we could stargaze and then walk and drop him off at home.

When she heard he was walking with me, she peeled out of the driveway in anger, which he told me about. He said his other partner was comparing herself to me and feeling disgust when he answered her question about loving us equally because she asked him if he loved her more.

Hearing that made me concerned and I stepped back. Not because I wanted to end the relationship but because he was indecisive and felt he couldn't ethically make a choice. So I tried to support his desire to focus on the marriage by asking for my house key back and ending the relationship.

I found out later from him that my metamour, when she left the house for her drive was battling the urge to find a hill to drive the vehicle off and suicide.

I have been oddly calm since the break up but now find myself randomly crying. I have offered friendship and as the relationship was over, sent her a supportive email (my mother committed suicide when I was in my teens and I know how it feels to be processing that 21 years later) and I asked her to please consider her value to her partner and her merits all on her own, and explained from the perspective of a child how it feels to grow up after a parental suicide and how we internalize things.

There's a part of me hoping things will pull through, that she will work through her insecurities. I didn't stop loving our hinge and I don't know what to do with this attachment. I sent him an apologetic email and offered friendship and emotional support because I realized after I broke it off that I might have abandoned him in a time when he needed support.

But I'm struggling against conflicting urges of wishing things were different, of hurting and not knowing what to do with myself. I alternate between sleeping and leaving for work early and crying in the shower. Logically, I know this is not about me but I'm still hurting and I can't make it stop.

So I thought I would just write things out and thank the forum for their suggestions. I just needed to write out some feelings.
 
Sorry about your breakup! Work through your feelings... Lean on anything and everything that supports you.
You having that experience with your past.... You do have an unique view.... Tough spot.
She, your x meta,, needs help.. Therapy
And you can't fix that for her.. you can't make her choose to go either.
Dang if you do.. Dang if you don't... But did your x ever mention the meta using those kind of outburts to just get her way? Just curious
 
I'm so sorry. It's ok to feel numb right now. There's just been so much stuff... It sounds really rough! :(

I think you have done what you can in stepping back/breaking up. You already did all that you could while in it to play fair, share the hinge's time, be kind, etc. There was nothing else left to do but to try backing off and letting them sort their marriage problems that were leaking out all over the place on to other people.

If she has internal mental health problems that are the main reasons for the marriage problems? And this is like one big domino effect thing?

She is the only one who can work to fix that. NOTHING you do will ever be "enough." Because nobody can do that work FOR her. Not you. Not hinge. Not her other partner.

It might not feel "good" but in backing off it sounds like you are trying to take the "pot off the burner" so it can "cool down" and stop with all this boiling over stuff. And you are getting you out of range so you don't get chronically burned by the overflow any more.

I think that's the best you can do for you and for hinge right now. :(

That is a way to show hinge your support. To "take away" from his burdens at this time rather than "add." I don't think that's abandoning him. You are giving him time and space to sort his other stuff. You have sent him supportive email. You have sent her supportive email.

It's ok to step back and support YOU too. Take a time out.

For whatever reason, she's made you out to be the "enemy." At first I thought she was just not wanting to be friends and being cool/cold. I didn't not realize she was battling mental health stuff, drinking, agonizing, and now as it turns out, suicidal. :(

I hope her spouse can get her to hospital for a check up. Voluntary or involuntary -- she sounds like she needs medical care.

Before in older posts there was stress about them not agreeing on what kind of poly to practice and her wanting to decide/control what went on in the (you+ him) layer rather than letting you and him figure out what goes there.

Whether he chooses to
  • continue the marriage or not
  • continue to poly or not
  • try to get back together with you or not...

I think all that can unfold later over time, in turn.

You have your own things to be thinking about over time and in turn too.

Right now I think getting her to health care could be the #1 priority. And after that? Perhaps the rest of you need a break from all the drama, a period of quiet, of rest, your own healing times. So each one can do their own soul searching. Deescalate rather than escalate.

But it does stink for you to be in this awkward position when you didn't do anything bad or wrong. You have my sympathy.

But I'm struggling against conflicting urges of wishing things were different, of hurting and not knowing what to do with myself. I alternate between sleeping and leaving for work early and crying in the shower. Logically, I know this is not about me but I'm still hurting and I can't make it stop

Could let it be whatever it needs to be -- feel whatever you have to feel. Don't try to stop it. Just let the waves pass through as they go.

It's ok to wish things were different. It's ok to cry when you need to cry. Rest when you need to rest. Eat when you need to eat. Stick to your house routines with laundry and whatnot so something feels "normal" and can help ground/center you in between the waves of emotion.

It's ok to take it one day at a time, one thing at a time. Do your best as you ride all this aftermath out. But just like your "flu" best is not gonna be the same as your "healthy" best? Be ok that your "sad/grieving" best is not the same either. Be kind to yourself.

Again, I'm so sorry it is so rough right now. :(

Galagirl
 
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He has never mentioned her using outbursts to get her way.

What I have generally observed is when he tries to stand up for boundaries not determined by her that she falls back on her unstable emotional state and defines it as worry about other things. She deflects it to things unrelated to insecurities and that it would be unkind to call someone out on.

He alters his behavior in response to her emotional instability when after she de-stabilizes over perceived loss of control. There are several instances.

He was fretting because he didn't pick up that she was suicidal and I pointed out she didn't speak to him about it and the only outbursts on behavior that she has had have been in relation to her unhappiness with his polyamorous relationship. Usually her emotional triggers have happened after he has tried to protect our relationship from her demands.

She felt like if he didn't love her more that she was in jeopardy of losing him and his support across all levels as a spouse. And has been trying to do bring their veesome to a closed position since about two months ago when she told him she was ok if he only had playdates with me. That was the first time I spoke up in defense of the relationship and she said she didn't care what I did with him and that my conversation was too adult for her.

Our hinge was adamant that he wasn't going to allow her to lock him down and control his autonomy like she did our hinge's metamour. After that fight, she started becoming upset when we did things together.

I was careful to pay for our trips so it didn't take from their budget. I was so careful trying to not take any resources away from her family so she didn't worry about losing his support. I was trying to show that I could help carry the relationship on some levels so she needn't fear loss.

Instead, I guess it provoked fear because of our hinge and mine's compatibility and shared interests. All I have done was try to minimize what I could so she didn't feel threatened by my presence in the relationship.

I have processed and processed and processed. Thought and leaned on my other partner, Chris, who says I could have done nothing different. I find myself angry at the metamour for the situation feeling like emotional hostage and for putting the whole situation into an untenable scenario. I didn't feel like I could do anything but step away from our hinge if my goal was to be supportive and not make him choose.

I was ok with sharing. As long as people's needs were met. But once he and I started our relationship, she moved from wanting space for her and her other partner to wanting all of our hinge's time and attention. I don't understand what I did wrong or what I could have done differently.

I have tried and tried to be openly communicative and honest and upfront but she doesn't want to talk to me. I have tried to give her space. I have tried to be understanding. It just hit a point that I couldn't give up any more of the hinge's time and attention and still feel that my needs were also getting met as well.

I just don't know. I have lost all desire to really date and am avoiding communications with any potential dates at this point. I don't know if practicing poly is really worth this hurt even if I am poly in mindset. I have no issue loving more than one person or sharing people. Love is infinite, I get that.

I'm just hurting. I don't know. I don't know.
 
Yeah

It sucks! Very immature of the meta. That's not on you
Feel better soon... I think you'll work through it in a great way
 
Honey sounds like she is batshit crazy.

No matter what you did or do was or is going to make things better. It is now up to your ex whether or not he stays on the crazy train or if he gets off.

I have a feeling this outburst was a temper tantrum aimed to get herself back to being the center of the universe. Her behavior is more manic than suicidal. Suicodal people don't draw attention to themselves with dramatic flare. They tend to either do it in the spur of the moment or quietly come to peace with the decision. Act almost happy finish business and then follow through.
 
So sorry you're going through this, Sage.

Your meta's behavior sounds similar to mine (although mine hasn't threatened suicide that I know of). I do think it's a way of making sure that the hinge knows he will be sorry if he doesn't give her lots of attention and complete control. It may not be a conscious strategy, but it's still an effective manipulation.

I haven't totally ended things with my BF, but we cut back to once a month, which I'm starting to think may be worse. It sucks to be in the position where things like this are our only option, after having tried so hard to be good metas.

I, too, am wondering whether it's worth it to be poly. It's great in theory; I don't think I need or even want to be joined at the hip with anyone, and I like the idea of being free to form new attachments (even though it's not that likely) and letting my partner have freedom. But in practice...at least in the scenario that seems easiest to find, where my potential partner is married or living with someone else, I think there's just too much chance of getting hurt in this kind of way.

Yes, our metas are probably crazy...but poly seems to bring out the crazy, so I don't think we can write these experiences off as outliers.
 
Hi Sageflutterby,

I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. I don't know if this helps, but I know something of how it feels to feel continuous, terrible emotional pain, that just keeps coming wave after wave and never stops, never lets you have a moment of relief. You definitely didn't do anything wrong. Your ex-metamour has issues, she sorely needs to get some therapy.

I just hope that you can get a little healing soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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