This may be a little long winded, but I am trying to make sense of the last year of newly explored thoughts that are contrary to ideas that I have always held to be true. I apologies in advance if I end up writing a novel. Please bear with me as I am struggling with a few things right now and am in part writing this for my own therapeutic benefit as well as to seek advice, which will be greatly appreciated.
Until about a year ago, I held and believed fully that while there may not be only one true love for each person, I will eventually find the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am also a rationalist and did not have any delusions about relationships not requiring work. I just never questioned whether a person can love more than one person in a relationship.
I am an avid watcher of the Ted talks and several of the talks have caused me to re-examining beliefs in my life that I have previously never questioned. The first involved a discussion about how monogamist relationships have adjusted to the modernization of our society and the drift away from more community based societies. The speaker talked about how we used to get support and fulfillment out of many relationships from within a community. Now, however, people tend to expect the same support and fulfillment that it took a community to achieve from only one person. This line of thought fermented for a while, causing me to inevitably come to the conclusion that one person could never completely fulfill another in every way and to the degree that they need it, and that it is even more unlikely that person would be able to fulfill the person fulfilling them to the same degree that they need it. If this were the case, then the two people would almost have to be the same exact person, which of course could never be and also would probably have several other pitfalls.
I finally stumbled onto the term polyamorous at a TEDx conference in Arlington last month. The speaker spoke of polyamory and, in my head, opened up the possibility of other forms of relationship models. For the first time, I began to consider a world outside of the assumption that one can only find fulfillment from one other person. I of course knew about swingers and open sexual relationships, but this was the first time that I was exposed to an alternative form of relationship that focused more on meaningful relationships as opposed to just the fun stuff.
This new train of thought would not be causing me near as much internal conflict as I feel right now (I have always been open to testing and adapting my held beliefs) except that, like in all life, the situation is a bit more complicated.
I am in a relationship of almost two years with a woman that I love deeply. I truly do not know if there is another person out there that can give me as much as she does. On many core levels she thinks the same ways that I do. There is a deep connection there that I know is special and in my experience of searching, incredibly difficult to find. We have never even fought in the normal sense. We discuss our problems and needs with each other openly and really try to hear the other person.
I have been feeling for some time, first in my gut and only recently rationally, that despite how perfect our relationship is I have needs that are not being met. I still have the idea going through my head, “why isn’t this amazing person that I share such a deep connection with enough for me?” Our relationship has become a little rocky right now because she is feeling the same way. She feels the connection that we share, and loves me deeply. She truly wants to be with me for the rest of her life too.
She recently began acting again at a local community theater that she used to act in before we were together (she stopped not because of me but because her work took over some of her nights and she was not able to do both). Theater has re-awakened a part of her that I have only somewhat been able to fill these past years and I know that despite my adaptable nature, I will not be able to fulfill all of these needs completely.
Throughout my life, I have always been the type of person that confronts my fears and worries head on. I love adventure and see it as a means to really live life. No I do not need it all of the time, nor do I need to share the most extreme parts of this nature with a significant other. I am mostly speaking here of the adventure that one finds in normal life, as well as maybe a little moderate adventure seeking together.
If one is trying to control their world so that it is safe, they inevitably have to stop everything that is new and interesting from entering their life as well. This leads to them just existing in life instead of living life. If people have troubles in this area I am happy to help them, but I also know that some people are not ready to give up the safety given to them by maintaining that illusion of control over their life. My girlfriend is one of these people, although the degree of which she suffers from this did not show itself for a year. I have tried to help her confront this deeper issue each time she comes to me for help her with each surface worry that she has. She logically understands everything I tell her. However, she is not ready to give up the safety that the control and worrying gives her. This does stem from many deep connections in her brain made by some traumatic events that happened as she was growing up that I will not go into here. Never the less, this does limit what she is able to give me. I have no desire to pressure her into giving me more than she can give, but that has left me feeling incomplete.
This need for safety effects several areas in our relationship including our sex life to some degree. Having spent most of my life overcoming my limits, this feeling of being limited has made me feel deprived. I know right now this issue is appearing to be much larger of an issue that it actually is. but, these feelings of deprivation are beginning to have an effect on the deeper connections as well. I have not been able to test my limits as well recently because of my connection to someone that can’t break through these barriers. Each time I hit a barrier that she cannot cross, I feel like I cannot cross it either because we are so connected. Also, some of these barriers can only be broken with another person, or are only meaningful with someone whom you care about. It creates a shock to my system every time that we cannot cross and has in some ways made me feel not fully alive.
I love her completely and I know that even though this one way at looking at the world has made us feel of late as though the other is from a different world, we still have a strong foundation. I know that I do not need to share this part of me with her specifically, but I do need to be able to share it with someone. I know that if we were able to not expect the other person to fulfill all of the needs that we are lacking that we would be even stronger. I am always happy to support her and help her when she asks for it, but I just can’t continue telling her how to help herself when she is not able to take that step yet. She completely understands, but we are still faced with the problem.
Due to the character limit, I will continue on the next post. Again, sorry for my ramblings. I promises there is not too much more.
Until about a year ago, I held and believed fully that while there may not be only one true love for each person, I will eventually find the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am also a rationalist and did not have any delusions about relationships not requiring work. I just never questioned whether a person can love more than one person in a relationship.
I am an avid watcher of the Ted talks and several of the talks have caused me to re-examining beliefs in my life that I have previously never questioned. The first involved a discussion about how monogamist relationships have adjusted to the modernization of our society and the drift away from more community based societies. The speaker talked about how we used to get support and fulfillment out of many relationships from within a community. Now, however, people tend to expect the same support and fulfillment that it took a community to achieve from only one person. This line of thought fermented for a while, causing me to inevitably come to the conclusion that one person could never completely fulfill another in every way and to the degree that they need it, and that it is even more unlikely that person would be able to fulfill the person fulfilling them to the same degree that they need it. If this were the case, then the two people would almost have to be the same exact person, which of course could never be and also would probably have several other pitfalls.
I finally stumbled onto the term polyamorous at a TEDx conference in Arlington last month. The speaker spoke of polyamory and, in my head, opened up the possibility of other forms of relationship models. For the first time, I began to consider a world outside of the assumption that one can only find fulfillment from one other person. I of course knew about swingers and open sexual relationships, but this was the first time that I was exposed to an alternative form of relationship that focused more on meaningful relationships as opposed to just the fun stuff.
This new train of thought would not be causing me near as much internal conflict as I feel right now (I have always been open to testing and adapting my held beliefs) except that, like in all life, the situation is a bit more complicated.
I am in a relationship of almost two years with a woman that I love deeply. I truly do not know if there is another person out there that can give me as much as she does. On many core levels she thinks the same ways that I do. There is a deep connection there that I know is special and in my experience of searching, incredibly difficult to find. We have never even fought in the normal sense. We discuss our problems and needs with each other openly and really try to hear the other person.
I have been feeling for some time, first in my gut and only recently rationally, that despite how perfect our relationship is I have needs that are not being met. I still have the idea going through my head, “why isn’t this amazing person that I share such a deep connection with enough for me?” Our relationship has become a little rocky right now because she is feeling the same way. She feels the connection that we share, and loves me deeply. She truly wants to be with me for the rest of her life too.
She recently began acting again at a local community theater that she used to act in before we were together (she stopped not because of me but because her work took over some of her nights and she was not able to do both). Theater has re-awakened a part of her that I have only somewhat been able to fill these past years and I know that despite my adaptable nature, I will not be able to fulfill all of these needs completely.
Throughout my life, I have always been the type of person that confronts my fears and worries head on. I love adventure and see it as a means to really live life. No I do not need it all of the time, nor do I need to share the most extreme parts of this nature with a significant other. I am mostly speaking here of the adventure that one finds in normal life, as well as maybe a little moderate adventure seeking together.
If one is trying to control their world so that it is safe, they inevitably have to stop everything that is new and interesting from entering their life as well. This leads to them just existing in life instead of living life. If people have troubles in this area I am happy to help them, but I also know that some people are not ready to give up the safety given to them by maintaining that illusion of control over their life. My girlfriend is one of these people, although the degree of which she suffers from this did not show itself for a year. I have tried to help her confront this deeper issue each time she comes to me for help her with each surface worry that she has. She logically understands everything I tell her. However, she is not ready to give up the safety that the control and worrying gives her. This does stem from many deep connections in her brain made by some traumatic events that happened as she was growing up that I will not go into here. Never the less, this does limit what she is able to give me. I have no desire to pressure her into giving me more than she can give, but that has left me feeling incomplete.
This need for safety effects several areas in our relationship including our sex life to some degree. Having spent most of my life overcoming my limits, this feeling of being limited has made me feel deprived. I know right now this issue is appearing to be much larger of an issue that it actually is. but, these feelings of deprivation are beginning to have an effect on the deeper connections as well. I have not been able to test my limits as well recently because of my connection to someone that can’t break through these barriers. Each time I hit a barrier that she cannot cross, I feel like I cannot cross it either because we are so connected. Also, some of these barriers can only be broken with another person, or are only meaningful with someone whom you care about. It creates a shock to my system every time that we cannot cross and has in some ways made me feel not fully alive.
I love her completely and I know that even though this one way at looking at the world has made us feel of late as though the other is from a different world, we still have a strong foundation. I know that I do not need to share this part of me with her specifically, but I do need to be able to share it with someone. I know that if we were able to not expect the other person to fulfill all of the needs that we are lacking that we would be even stronger. I am always happy to support her and help her when she asks for it, but I just can’t continue telling her how to help herself when she is not able to take that step yet. She completely understands, but we are still faced with the problem.
Due to the character limit, I will continue on the next post. Again, sorry for my ramblings. I promises there is not too much more.
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