New to the idea of polyamory and my conundrum

BobBobson

New member
This may be a little long winded, but I am trying to make sense of the last year of newly explored thoughts that are contrary to ideas that I have always held to be true. I apologies in advance if I end up writing a novel. Please bear with me as I am struggling with a few things right now and am in part writing this for my own therapeutic benefit as well as to seek advice, which will be greatly appreciated.

Until about a year ago, I held and believed fully that while there may not be only one true love for each person, I will eventually find the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am also a rationalist and did not have any delusions about relationships not requiring work. I just never questioned whether a person can love more than one person in a relationship.

I am an avid watcher of the Ted talks and several of the talks have caused me to re-examining beliefs in my life that I have previously never questioned. The first involved a discussion about how monogamist relationships have adjusted to the modernization of our society and the drift away from more community based societies. The speaker talked about how we used to get support and fulfillment out of many relationships from within a community. Now, however, people tend to expect the same support and fulfillment that it took a community to achieve from only one person. This line of thought fermented for a while, causing me to inevitably come to the conclusion that one person could never completely fulfill another in every way and to the degree that they need it, and that it is even more unlikely that person would be able to fulfill the person fulfilling them to the same degree that they need it. If this were the case, then the two people would almost have to be the same exact person, which of course could never be and also would probably have several other pitfalls.

I finally stumbled onto the term polyamorous at a TEDx conference in Arlington last month. The speaker spoke of polyamory and, in my head, opened up the possibility of other forms of relationship models. For the first time, I began to consider a world outside of the assumption that one can only find fulfillment from one other person. I of course knew about swingers and open sexual relationships, but this was the first time that I was exposed to an alternative form of relationship that focused more on meaningful relationships as opposed to just the fun stuff.

This new train of thought would not be causing me near as much internal conflict as I feel right now (I have always been open to testing and adapting my held beliefs) except that, like in all life, the situation is a bit more complicated.

I am in a relationship of almost two years with a woman that I love deeply. I truly do not know if there is another person out there that can give me as much as she does. On many core levels she thinks the same ways that I do. There is a deep connection there that I know is special and in my experience of searching, incredibly difficult to find. We have never even fought in the normal sense. We discuss our problems and needs with each other openly and really try to hear the other person.

I have been feeling for some time, first in my gut and only recently rationally, that despite how perfect our relationship is I have needs that are not being met. I still have the idea going through my head, “why isn’t this amazing person that I share such a deep connection with enough for me?” Our relationship has become a little rocky right now because she is feeling the same way. She feels the connection that we share, and loves me deeply. She truly wants to be with me for the rest of her life too.

She recently began acting again at a local community theater that she used to act in before we were together (she stopped not because of me but because her work took over some of her nights and she was not able to do both). Theater has re-awakened a part of her that I have only somewhat been able to fill these past years and I know that despite my adaptable nature, I will not be able to fulfill all of these needs completely.

Throughout my life, I have always been the type of person that confronts my fears and worries head on. I love adventure and see it as a means to really live life. No I do not need it all of the time, nor do I need to share the most extreme parts of this nature with a significant other. I am mostly speaking here of the adventure that one finds in normal life, as well as maybe a little moderate adventure seeking together.

If one is trying to control their world so that it is safe, they inevitably have to stop everything that is new and interesting from entering their life as well. This leads to them just existing in life instead of living life. If people have troubles in this area I am happy to help them, but I also know that some people are not ready to give up the safety given to them by maintaining that illusion of control over their life. My girlfriend is one of these people, although the degree of which she suffers from this did not show itself for a year. I have tried to help her confront this deeper issue each time she comes to me for help her with each surface worry that she has. She logically understands everything I tell her. However, she is not ready to give up the safety that the control and worrying gives her. This does stem from many deep connections in her brain made by some traumatic events that happened as she was growing up that I will not go into here. Never the less, this does limit what she is able to give me. I have no desire to pressure her into giving me more than she can give, but that has left me feeling incomplete.

This need for safety effects several areas in our relationship including our sex life to some degree. Having spent most of my life overcoming my limits, this feeling of being limited has made me feel deprived. I know right now this issue is appearing to be much larger of an issue that it actually is. but, these feelings of deprivation are beginning to have an effect on the deeper connections as well. I have not been able to test my limits as well recently because of my connection to someone that can’t break through these barriers. Each time I hit a barrier that she cannot cross, I feel like I cannot cross it either because we are so connected. Also, some of these barriers can only be broken with another person, or are only meaningful with someone whom you care about. It creates a shock to my system every time that we cannot cross and has in some ways made me feel not fully alive.

I love her completely and I know that even though this one way at looking at the world has made us feel of late as though the other is from a different world, we still have a strong foundation. I know that I do not need to share this part of me with her specifically, but I do need to be able to share it with someone. I know that if we were able to not expect the other person to fulfill all of the needs that we are lacking that we would be even stronger. I am always happy to support her and help her when she asks for it, but I just can’t continue telling her how to help herself when she is not able to take that step yet. She completely understands, but we are still faced with the problem.

Due to the character limit, I will continue on the next post. Again, sorry for my ramblings. I promises there is not too much more.
 
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Continued from above

This idea of polyamory has taken at least a year to inch its way into my mind. I consider myself to be a rather open person and even then, the possibility that I might be polyamorous has taken a while to take hold. Despite how much we do fulfill each other, I know that she is not fully fulfilled and I know that I am not completely fulfilled. Her mind, which is very open in some respects, however is not as open to trains of thought that would make her feel less safe and will no doubt be met with a visceral fear response. The conundrum here is as follows:

The major way which I feel that I am not being fulfilled in this relationship is that I am not able to share the part of myself that feels most alive when I am pushing through barriers and experiencing new unique experiences, physical, physiological or ideological. In order to consider polyamory as an option in our relationship, she would also have to be capable of overcoming her fears and her need for safety by pushing aside her specific fear of loss. This specific fear is dominant in her need for safety and also stems into a part of her that leads to jealousy even though she rationally trusts me completely. If she were capable of overcoming this fear of loss, then I would not feel deprived because she would not need to feel as safe anymore and thus would be open to trying more new experiences and thus Living life with me in the manor that I need to Live life. As can be seen here, that would mean that my major needs would be meet and then I would not need to be in a polyamorous relationship. However, that is the very same step that she would have to take in order to be in a polyamorous relationship that would allow me to not be deprived by this restriction of my desire to share the side of me that wants to live life in all of its new and beautiful ways and complexities.

So now I am met with this contradiction that is tearing me apart inside. I am never this indecisive and generally always know where I stand and find a path to follow even if it isn’t ideal. I have to say that here I am completely torn and have no clue which direction to go. As I said before, what my girlfriend and I share is something that is special and rare. I do not believe there is a person or group of people out there that can better fulfill more of me and fulfill me in the deep ways that she can. I am not speaking from a place of fear of loss or fear of the unknown when I say that. I do believe that there is NO person or group of people that could replace what she is to me. I really feel that in most ways we are kindred spirits and I know that she is right for me. But, I still feel like I am missing a part of me. She still feels like she is missing a part of her. The part of me that she is not able to fulfill is created by a fear of loss which naturally leads to irrational jealousy (even if her rational mind is not jealous) that would restrict her from even being able to consider being in a healthy polyamorous relationship that would allow us both to be fulfilled. So, I am not fulfilled in this amazingly deep relationship which will not allow for polyamory, and I do not believe that it is even remotely possible that I could be as fulfilled in the ways that I currently am fulfilled by her if I were to break up with her and seek fulfillment in polyamory.

I can honestly say that I have never been this conflicted in my life. If anyone can help illuminate new paths that are hidden to me, has any advice, or anything at all; it will be very much appreciated and looked forward too. Thank You.
 
So is the issue that your girlfriend is very reserved and somewhat controlling and this prevents her from being able to happily consent to a polyamorous relationship but it also is a reason you need one?
 
Sounds tough.

One thing that sprung to mind is why do you need to be poly in order to push through barriers? I very much understand the thrill and need to be doing that. I was kind of timid as a child and so as an adult I have spent much of my life pushing at the barriers of my anxieties - with excellent results.

I'm in a mono relationship right now. My partner is wonderful and always busy with doing stuff. Often the barriers I want to be pushing aren't things he's at all interested in.

If I needed him to be there doing these things with me I have no doubt that I would feel like our relationship was limiting me. I don't need him to be doing everything with me. I have friends who help and with whom I can share the excitement of pushing through barriers.

So I don't understand the need to be poly in order to find other people to share interests with.

Or do I misunderstand and all of your barriers relate to sex - in which case poly does indeed seem like a good idea?

IP
 
The idea of there being only one "kindred spirit/soul mate" for you is mono normative thinking. It's as ridiculous to say Angelina Jolie is my soul mate due to the fact we have similar interests, in and out of the bedroom. I'd have to politely ignore that we are fundamentally incompatible on the most basic of levels because as beautiful as she is, I'm very straight. Even if she isn't, I am. So sadly she isn't my soulmate. At best, we could have some sort of sexual friendship with sex being a rarity.
 
So is the issue that your girlfriend is very reserved and somewhat controlling and this prevents her from being able to happily consent to a polyamorous relationship but it also is a reason you need one?

She is not controlling towards me. She does, however, feel a need to control every little aspect of her world down to the nth degree so that she will never be caught off guard and put in a position where she is not safe. This stems from a fear of loss where her world was turned upside down in her youth. Because she is connected to me, I feel the weight of the limits in her life as if they are my own. and these limits, unlike the limits in my life that I consistently try to tear down, I can do nothing about. It has to come from her.
It is this core inflexibility that is stifling to me. It is also what would naturally resist a poly relationship because these same core fears would bread jealousy through the other ways that they show themselves, as better explained in my previous post.

The idea of there being only one "kindred spirit/soul mate" for you is mono normative thinking.

I am not saying that she is my soul mate because we have similar interests. What I am saying is that we share a very strong, deep connection, that in my searching, I have never seen elsewhere. Because every person is different, I know that finding a person that can give the same connection in all of its complexities as her is an impossibility due to the uniqueness that makes us all different humans. I just feel very strongly that she is special to me. I have read in some poly forums that serial mono relationships tend to treat people as interchangeable where as one of the benefits of poly relationships allow you to get what you need from many people while realizing and being better able to see that each person brings a special love into your life and thus creates a special bond/connection even though there can be infinitely more than just one such connection. I am merely stating that I feel a special love toward her that fulfills me in many very deep ways that make up the majority of the ways that I need. Even if I am not completely fulfilled.

Sounds tough.

So I don't understand the need to be poly in order to find other people to share interests with.

IP

As for friendships, this is a little difficult to explain. I guess friendships would be able to fulfill some of this although as I said our sex life is effected by this deeper issue as well. I guess the best way to describe it is that I have a very good strong connection with her, that I have not been able to find anywhere else, but I desire a certain level of closeness that achieving/experiencing new things (physical, sexual, emotional, philosophical, intellectual...) together with someone. I know I am doing a bad job of explaining this. There is just a close connection or bond that gets made between two people when they do new things together or achieve a goal together. I just don’t feel that a friendship will bring as close a connection of the type of connection that I am missing. Part of this stems from the way I am. I can open up to people to a certain point as a friend, but I don't feel comfortable letting them connect too much deeper, nor do friends even need to be connected that deep anyway. There is something much more fulfilling about being able to let the person in more during these times. I know that does not necessarily lead to poly, but it is just an idea that I have been considering. This could also be solved by me expanding how close I let in friends, but there is a reason a friend is a friend and a relationship is a relationship and that difference is how close you are. If you understand what I am trying to say. I know that I have not done the best job here.

I also want to say that I do not know if poly is the right answer either. I am just exploring these concepts in order to better understand and figure out what path in the end is best. The reason I am posting here is because of the more poly type conclusions that my thoughts have been taking while exploring the subject through the Ted talks. I do not know if, and most likely, it cannot fix this specific issue, but it is merely a train of thought that has been awakened at the same time as this other issue began to appear, so at least in my head, they are temporally linked if not linked in reality. I just know that we both cannot continue living or rather, existing like this way and am exploring all possibilities.
 
It sounds like polyamory is a good way you could get your needs met but I'm unsure about her compatibility with it.
 
so in a long winded way it all boils down to the same conundrum many of us find ourselves in and that which seems to make up 75% of all the discussion on here.

You want to practice poly but your partner does not and therefore you cannot because your partner will leave you if you do.

There are no good solutions to the problem other than deciding which is more appealing. Poly without her or mono with her. If you have no children and are not entangled financially via marriage then I say go with the poly and try to bring her along as gently as possible.
 
Thank you all for the summary...

It is simple. What is more important to you, your gf or need for poly.

I doubt you can have both.
 
Given your conundrum, which is very stark and circular - if gf was more adventurous, then I wouldn't need poly, but because she isn't, I may need it, but she would have to be more adventurous to try it - it might help to investigate different ways of adjusting one's own thinking.

This statement of yours struck me:

"There is just a close connection or bond that gets made between two people when they do new things together or achieve a goal together. I just don’t feel that a friendship will bring as close a connection of the type of connection that I am missing. Part of this stems from the way I am. I can open up to people to a certain point as a friend, but I don't feel comfortable letting them connect too much deeper, nor do friends even need to be connected that deep anyway. There is something much more fulfilling about being able to let the person in more during these times."

You have an arbitrary "rule" in which friendships cannot have the same depth as relationships. Why not? (This may be attributable to the psychology behind our mono dominant culture - not sure.)

I view friendships as relationships, and relationships lie along a spectrum. Connection-wise, I let anyone in as far as they are willing to go. I have non-sexual friendships that rival my most intimate relationship. Sure, they are more rare, lying closer to one end of the relationship spectrum, but they do exist.

Now, I get that you would like to experience the closeness of shared adventures with your gf. However, you are limiting yourself by not seeking friendships to share adventures of a non-sexual nature. You yourself are choosing to shut off the "community" which might be able to fulfill your non-sexual desires. Or is your gf jealous of your friendships as well?

As for the shared sexual adventures, is there any hope that over time, your gf could feel safe enough to try some of the things you'd like? Has she had therapy? Maybe you two could do therapy together?
 
Has your girlfriend tried to address her need for control? It sounds like it impacts her life in says large and small. It is a common reaction to trauma. Counseling may be able to help her ease her grip. It's no fun to live that way, even while assuming it is necessary to survive. Does she recognize it's a problem?
 
You have an arbitrary "rule" in which friendships cannot have the same depth as relationships. Why not? (This may be attributable to the psychology behind our mono dominant culture - not sure.)
Bookbug,

I don't know if this is a mono culture thing, but I almost feel worse about "emotional cheating" than sexual cheating. No I have never done either, and neither has she. from what I understand, in a poly world, the theory is that each person has an infinite love to give and thus there would be no emotional cheating because one would be able to be honest and open with all involved and everyone would realize that the love shared between the two people does not detract from the love in the other relationships involved.
In my experience, this way of thinking, while not inherently contradictory, can meet with resistance in a mono world where love is believed to be finite.
Case in point: I am strait, but one of my best friends is gay. Really our sexuality doesn't even play into this, but anyway, we tend to have deep philosophical conversations that last for a few hours at a time. this only happens once every week or two, but it has led to my girlfriend half-jokingly, half seriously yelling out, "He's my boyfriend" in an attempt to get me off the phone. I get a lot out of these conversations and it does feed a part of me that she has no desire to fill. The issue here is that I feel resistance to even this form of closeness for 2 to 3 hours once every one or two weeks. I do try to plan so that she is not around so that she isn't bored by me talking on the phone for so long and whatnot. It is still limiting to have her rationally understand that it is only a couple hours once in a while, but still feel like I am taking away from the relationship when I do this. Again, my friend and I have never had any romantic involvement. We grew up with each other and he is a brother to me.
I don't even think about allowing myself to get in such a relationship with a female because I know that if she puts up resistance to closeness for only that amount of time a week with a male friend, that her jealousy would really show itself even though there would be no logical reason for it to. Just the fact that I am close enough to another person outside of a relationship when it is viewed from a mono, love is finite, lens can bring it into a realm of emotional cheating that could in theory lead to cheating even if she rationally knows that I will never cheat. This is why I think that barrier exists in me and why I don't allow myself to get attached beyond a certain level. I think it is a side effect of living in a mono relationship. Both of us would have to be open to at least a poly-esque mindset in order for even deeper forms of platonic love to not be seen as a detraction form our relationship.

She used to do therapy when this issue first presented itself in her childhood. I would be very open too it again for both of us once the semester is over and our schedules open up. Therapy very well could help her, and me, by shedding new light on issues. In her case, she does logically know the deep issues from which everything stems, yet still relies on the safety that she gets from this so I am still not sure if she will be ready even with therapy. Her fears stem into the irrational and it takes over her rational thought processes and she is not able to maintain a rational frame of reference during this.
To give you an example of how drastic this worrying is, she was almost sent into a light panic attack when she became worried that the north Koreans might chose the exact moment that we were on a rollercoaster at the amusement park to create an international crisis that would lead to them launching a nuclear warhead to an altitude of a few hundred miles over central north America, thereby creating an electromagnetic pulse that would knock out most of the US’s energy grid and freeze us upside down on one of the coasters. Ironically, she is not scared of the roller coasters themselves even though it is statistically more likely that a death or injury could occur from one of them (I think there were 2 deaths at this park in the last 10 or 15 years, which of course I didn’t bring up and is still statistically negligible due to the number of patrons that frequent the park). My point is that these worries are irrational. She will be the first to tell you that. But they tend to overwhelm her rational thought in the moment. I am not sure that even with therapy she would be able to give up this crutch that leads to such fear responses, because it does help her to cope with the world in other ways more centered around day to life. These are feelings of safety generated by an illusion of control over a situation even though the control really doesn’t exist. (This can be equated to people feeling safer in cars because, despite the other drivers on the road, they have an illusion of control. When they fly in jets, they do not have this and although a jet is statistically much safer than a car, certain people still feel safer in and choose the car)

Your first statement did sum up my situation perfectly. I am not dead set on poly. I do not feel a need to be poly for poly’s sake. The only reason I am considering poly as an option is because even though I have found a rare person that fulfills most of me, I still feel like I am missing something and ironically if I were not missing that aspect due to an openness toward that aspect, the same openness that would make her open to poly and thus make me not desire it anymore.
 
Has your girlfriend tried to address her need for control? It sounds like it impacts her life in says large and small. It is a common reaction to trauma. Counseling may be able to help her ease her grip. It's no fun to live that way, even while assuming it is necessary to survive. Does she recognize it's a problem?

She recognizes the problem. She really doesn't what to have it control her life anymore either. From her perspective, she sees it as an ingrained part of her that would require a change in her personality. I know that this is how it feels to her, but she is such a free spirit in other ways that I don't see it as ingrained as she sees it. It seems to me to be more of a defense mechanism, not a personality trait. she is paralyzed by how hard it would be to change her outlook on the world. I know through my own experiences that in the end it just takes making a decision that you are not going to live this way anymore and sticking by that decisions, even through short term set backs, until it eventually gets easier. It will always be a struggle even if she does succeed, but at that point she would be capable of living her life. I know that this is simple in theory, but very hard in practice, particularly when you feel so safe during points in your life because of it. Releasing that control means she will have to confront the fact that anyone could die, including her, at any moment for any number of uncontrollable reasons. I am still not certain that even with therapy she is ready to deal with this. At this point I have told her in any number of different ways how to help her see what is going on. I have listened to her, explained things to her, used analogies, humor, and personal stories, come at it from every angle I can think of. If she was not a part of me it would be easier. I would be able to say hey, I know you aren't ready to accept this yet, but I am here for you when you are. Because we are connected, I do feel a need to help her even beyond rationality and that is one of the things that is tearing at me. I will support her fully when she decides that she will not live that way anymore. But until she is ready, no amount of explanation or anything else can help her. in the end the decision has to come from her.
 
While it's clear you do care for her and are agonizing over what to do, as was stated earlier, your problem isn't complicated to encapsulate. Either she accepts your polyamorism, she becomes polyamorous herself, you decide she's more important and sublimate your poly feelings, or the two of you part ways.

We can't tell you what your priorities should be. It might be easier for you if we convinced you that polyamorism is something you shouldn't deny yourself. But shouldn't do that. That's a decision you have to make.
 
She recognizes the problem. She really doesn't what to have it control her life anymore either. From her perspective, she sees it as an ingrained part of her that would require a change in her personality. I know that this is how it feels to her, but she is such a free spirit in other ways that I don't see it as ingrained as she sees it. It seems to me to be more of a defense mechanism, not a personality trait. she is paralyzed by how hard it would be to change her outlook on the world. I know through my own experiences that in the end it just takes making a decision that you are not going to live this way anymore and sticking by that decisions, even through short term set backs, until it eventually gets easier. It will always be a struggle even if she does succeed, but at that point she would be capable of living her life. I know that this is simple in theory, but very hard in practice, particularly when you feel so safe during points in your life because of it. Releasing that control means she will have to confront the fact that anyone could die, including her, at any moment for any number of uncontrollable reasons. I am still not certain that even with therapy she is ready to deal with this. At this point I have told her in any number of different ways how to help her see what is going on. I have listened to her, explained things to her, used analogies, humor, and personal stories, come at it from every angle I can think of. If she was not a part of me it would be easier. I would be able to say hey, I know you aren't ready to accept this yet, but I am here for you when you are. Because we are connected, I do feel a need to help her even beyond rationality and that is one of the things that is tearing at me. I will support her fully when she decides that she will not live that way anymore. But until she is ready, no amount of explanation or anything else can help her. in the end the decision has to come from her.

One thought - it sounds like she may have an anxiety disorder. Has that been explored? I'm not one to recommend jump willy nilly into anti-depressants and mood stabilizers but they can sometimes serve the useful function of leveling someone out, enough they can get a handle to start making deeper changes.

And, yes, if she is unwilling or unable to start addressing it, there is little you can do beyond what you have done already.

I also read into your words a certain amount of co-dependence. I mean that to be an unhealthy degree of intertwining of a couple's emotional and mental states. I don't use that word often - it gets used too often, too indiscriminately, in my opinion. It kinda reads like you get sucked into the control and the anxiety too, in ways that may not be healthy for you or her. Are there ways, ideas, processes, you can think of that can help you move to a healthier relationship with her? I imagine that would be very threatening for her, and you get a lot of out of it too, but that is something you can do on your own. Get into a healthy relationship with her first. It might lead to some changes on her part although probably not without much struggle. Counseling just for you might be really beneficial.

Your choice isn't necessarily stay with her or become poly. It's more what kind of a relationship you do want with her? It sounds to me that you are reaching out for something more healthy and emotionally healing for both of you.
 
One thought - it sounds like she may have an anxiety disorder. Has that been explored? I'm not one to recommend jump willy nilly into anti-depressants and mood stabilizers but they can sometimes serve the useful function of leveling someone out, enough they can get a handle to start making deeper changes.

And, yes, if she is unwilling or unable to start addressing it, there is little you can do beyond what you have done already.

I also read into your words a certain amount of co-dependence. I mean that to be an unhealthy degree of intertwining of a couple's emotional and mental states. I don't use that word often - it gets used too often, too indiscriminately, in my opinion. It kinda reads like you get sucked into the control and the anxiety too, in ways that may not be healthy for you or her. Are there ways, ideas, processes, you can think of that can help you move to a healthier relationship with her? I imagine that would be very threatening for her, and you get a lot of out of it too, but that is something you can do on your own. Get into a healthy relationship with her first. It might lead to some changes on her part although probably not without much struggle. Counseling just for you might be really beneficial.

Your choice isn't necessarily stay with her or become poly. It's more what kind of a relationship you do want with her? It sounds to me that you are reaching out for something more healthy and emotionally healing for both of you.

Thank you, I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak. That is what I have been trying to figure out for the past several months. I have been trying to explore all of the options, which is one reason that I cam upon this forum. Thank you for your help.
 
I find red flags in your relationship with your gf. If she is jealous of your platonic relationship with an old friend, imagine how she would feel if you were involved romantically/sexually with someone.

I guess because your old friend is a gay male and you are male (I think?) she feels there could be a sexual feeling in your friend and he might somehow convince you to try gay sex?

I am glad you are exploring these things only 2 years into your relationship. I had quite similar issues with my ex husband, and we struggled with them for 30+ years, seeing about 4 therapists for individual and couples counseling over time, but finally splitting.

He was jealous of me looking at other men. He was jealous of me talking to other men, dancing with them at a party or wedding. He was jealous if I liked a certain music celebrity or actor. He was also even suspicious of time I spent talking to my platonic gfs, because he assumed we all sat around bashing our husbands the entire time. He also didn't accept I was bisexual-- though we were monogamous and I never cheated, he felt threatened.

His last therapist recommended anti-depressants for his anxieties but he refused because of his control issues, fearing the meds would change him somehow in ways he couldn't control.

He also had childhood issues of course, and he hit a wall in therapy, where he just refused or was unable to address the issues.

I feel your new relationship energy with your present gf has faded, the rose colored glasses have come off after 2 years, and you are getting frustrated with her emerging anxieties and need for neurotic control (the rollercoaster/N. Korea story is quite something!). If you can't even chat with your old friend 2-4 times a month... yikes. Being mono doesn't mean being joined at the hip. You could stay mono and be able to have platonic friends. You could stay mono and be able to comment on a nice looking person on the street-- if you had a stable partner with reasonably good self esteem!

Time for raw open conversations here. Whether you remain with her, mono or not, or move on.... look at what you will or will not accept in the degree of control you allow a partner over aspects of YOUR life and activities.
 
I can see why you fill unfulfilled - every aspect of your life is governed by your gf's anxiety - even down to platonic emotional bonding. (I assure you that the majority of people mono or poly do not regard deep friendships, such as the one you have with your long time friend, as emotional cheating.)

While I can see why your analysis brought you to consider polyamory, given that you do not have a healthy mono relationship - which appears to lie at the heart of the matter - leaping to poly is rather premature. As you have previously mentioned, your needs would probably be met fairly well if you and your gf were not constrained by her irrational fears.

Having been in a very loving relationship with high anxiety person, I get it. I can tell how much you love, care, and admire her. I get that she has many awesome qualities. I also know how everything the two do you do (or don't do) is subject to her disability / mental disorder. My person struggled to free himself from his chains. He tried different medications until he found one that helped, and knowing - as your gf does - that his anxiety was irrational, he worked to change his thought patterns. Over time, a lot of progress was made.

Of course, it is easy for me to say this by the virtue of distance and no emotional involvement, but it seems very selfish for her to admit that she has anxiety issues, yet be unwilling to work on them and expect you to inhibit your existence accordingly. While the relationship with my high anxiety person was no walk in the park, the fact that he tried very hard to overcome his anxiety made all the difference.
 
I feel your new relationship energy with your present gf has faded, the rose colored glasses have come off after 2 years, and you are getting frustrated with her emerging anxieties and need for neurotic control (the rollercoaster/N. Korea story is quite something!). If you can't even chat with your old friend 2-4 times a month... yikes. Being mono doesn't mean being joined at the hip. You could stay mono and be able to have platonic friends. You could stay mono and be able to comment on a nice looking person on the street-- if you had a stable partner with reasonably good self esteem!

Wow, your ex sounds exactly like my little brother.

She does not believe that he is tempting me to be gay or anything like that, and yes, I am male. She knows that it’s strictly platonic. That seems to almost make what you said somewhat more of a red flag.

Although I knew she had jealousy issues (the jealousy over a couple celebrities did come up), it never really bothered me originally because, I know this is probably outside of the norm for a guy, but I really don't look at women very often. I have always been more interested in personalities and because it is harder to judge a person's personality at a glance I never notice people unless I am in a people watching mood. Part of that is also because I am in my head a lot of the time and it usually takes someone that I'm with to point out that that good looking girl is checking me out, because I will never see it. Because of that I never really noticed the jealousy being too much of an issue until talking on the phone for a couple hours brought my attention away from her. I think because I naturally don't pay attention to people until they become a part of my life, and because I knew about her jealousy, it was easy for me just to not pay attention to women even more. Because I am generally so good at reading people, I am surprised that I didn't see this as as big of a deal as it probably is sooner. I always just thought of it as a minor extension of her loss issues.

Really, the new relationship energy kind of faded a little over a year ago. I think what has made the relationship grow steadily worse is possibly 1) me not even really noticing the jealousy, and the bigger problem 2) I believe that she has been using me as a crutch for her anxiety so that she does not have to deal with it herself. Not that she really dealt with it in a healthy way before our relationship. If anyone is familiar with game theory then I guess this puts me in a prisoner's dilemma where I either do not help her with her anxiety and watch her spiral. This would also have a side effect of appearing to her subconsciously as if I do not care and will end the relationship quicker. Or, I can attempt to help her every time an episode presents itself, knowing that she is not ready to accept the help yet and hoping that this time will be different which is a definition of insanity. I already know that this path will also end the relationship when I have finally cracked.

I really don't know how to break out of that dilemma in a way that could save the relationship without her choosing to accept responsibility for her anxiety and dealing with it. I still am not sure that she is able to do that yet. I guess the reason that I was seeking poly as a possible answer is that 1) separate from this relationship, I think the idea really has some merit and see the benefits of not restricting oneself to love one person when it really is infinite. While I don't need to be poly or mono, It seems like a really freeing philosophy and many people on this board seem to be very relationship conscious which is refreshing and I have not seen as much of in monogamous culture and 2) I was wondering if my desire to do a bit more adventurous things, conversations, sex, ideas... were removed from her that it might take some pressure off of her anxiety and help the situation. I may have been also seeking to distance myself from the anxiety as well which would not be as healthy of a reason because it does not fix the issue.


Bookbug, I do not believe that she views my conversations with my friend as emotional cheating. I believe that is more of her wanting my attention kind of thing. I was just using that as an example (the most relevant example I have because for the reasons above, I have not let myself get that close to anyone else really and didn't really notice until these conversations that I was doing it). The emotional cheating part is how I feel that she would view it, or at least what I would feel like I would be doing to her because I know of her jealousy, if I were to get into a relationship similar to the one with my friend with a female because of the natural sexual tension that would develop with that much depth, even if it was strictly platonic.

I'm also not sure if selfish is the right term, although it definitely feels that way from where I am sitting. Some people just aren't strong enough to face their fears, or are not strong enough yet. They are just paralyzed even though they know they are hurting people around them. Yes, I have made her aware of how it is effecting me.

I think I still do see the jealousy thing subsiding with the her fear of loss and the unknown, but I guess the question is how long do I think it will take before she is ready, will she ever be ready, and how long am I willing to wait?

As for adding poly to the relationship; I am still not sure that poly would be able to help by allowing me to take any pressure that I may be adding to her anxiety from my own desires and needs to share in living life to its fullest. However, I am sure that it would most likely add more anxiety of a different sort to her via the jealousy side of her issues. It is still something that I think I am really open to exploring if the worst happens and I feel that she is not capable of overcoming this and I cannot find a way to distance myself from being her crutch so that she can develop the skills to deal with this on her own. Everyone on here has been very helpful. Thank you all very much.
 
The odd thing is that for many with anxiety / depression / etc., is that while they may not like it, it is familiar and comfortable. Trying to improve presents the unknown and it is almost never a comfortable process. And if an individual comes to believe it is a personality trait rather than an addressable issue, she has given herself an out - she doesn't have to change because she believes she can't.

If this is where she is, you could find yourself waiting indefinitely.
 
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