How to handle a partner's troubled relationship

ewokprincess

New member
Short version:
What do you do when your partners are having relationship difficulties with their metamours?

Long version:

Hi all. I'm a married person currently dating a married guy. All involved are poly, have been poly for years, and overall I think that aspect of my relationships is pretty healthy and that all metamours have good relationships with one another.

That said, I have difficulty dealing with his wife. And by that I mean, a lot of things about her irritate me--nothing so bad that I can't hang out in a group with her and be friendly, but enough that I don't like spending one-on-one time with her. She's the kind of person I can learn to love as family but would never choose as a friend.

To be clear, very little of my irritation stems from how she treats me--she can be occasionally a bit clueless and insensitive at times, but there's no jealousy between us, and overall she's really been incredibly welcoming of me into their shared life together.

Unfortunately, that said, I am really not a big fan of how she (let's call her Diana) treats Rick. I think, actually, I could more broadly say that I am not a big fan of how their relationship is functioning right now, and I'm not sure what my role in that should be, if any.

He and I have been dating since a few months after they were married. I see their relationship and household in action a lot because I usually stay at his home for our dates, and she is often home then too. (Our dates are usually on weekdays, we live an hour away from each other and he has a very intense day job whereas I'm self-employed, so it's much more practical for me to stay with him than vice-versa.) This is an arrangement that has worked well for us in the past but seems to work less and less well for me as time goes on, largely because I am seeing more and more things that bother me about how they interact.

I feel like she really takes advantage of him and doesn't really appreciate how much he does for her, and she makes a lot of decisions about their life together without taking his feelings into account--some of the decisions quite hefty, too. She also says negative things about him to me, both when he's around and when he's not. Not outright insults, but pointing out his faults or subtly belittling his feelings. She complains to me about stuff she wants him to do that he hasn't done yet, and when I politely suggest she could probably do those things herself, she says she doesn't want the responsibility.

I try to talk to Rick about these issues occasionally but I am loathe to say anything bad about her to him, so it's really difficult.

I really don't understand what my role in any of this should be. Rick largely keeps his problems to himself unless I encourage him to talk, and I am very hesitant to broach a subject that I'm not sure is any of my business. I think he and I are both equally uncomfortable speaking I'll of her, or of his difficulties in communicating with her. He seems increasingly stressed and unhappy and I see more and more low-level passive-aggressive interactions on both sides. I think he is really trying to keep the peace because he just wants to make her happy and doesn't want to trouble the waters.

On the other hand, I feel like Diana wouldn't be treating him so badly if he asserted himself more and stopped enabling her. I think he really needs someone to help him feel empowered to address issues in his home and marital life. I think on his own he just tells himself things really aren't that bad, or that he doesn't have time/energy to deal with the fallout of calling her on her behavior, and leaves it at that.

I have tried to talk about some of these things with Diana before, to try to work them out one on one, but ended up just more frustrated. Months ago after a difficult evening, I told her that I felt like she used me as a bandaid, that she expected me to basically pick up her slack when she didn't want to deal with his needs or feelings, and she acknowledged that that was true but basically said she didn't know what else to do and didn't think it was that bad.

I know this sounds really superior of me, but I feel strongly that these problems, left as they are, are only going to get worse for them with time. I also think they can be solved if both of them put a lot of effort into communicating and being compassionate. But...I have come to know her as being such a self-absorbed and selfish person that I find it hard to believe she will make that effort. So I am pretty cynical, and feel guilty about that.

What should I do here? Should I just continue to try to suck it up, maybe avoid spending time with both of then together until they sort things out on their own? Or should I talk to Rick about my concerns? I don't want to make it about my issues with her, as much as possible, I'd really most like to focus on giving Rick the tools to do what he can to fix things, or at the very least, to feel like he can talk to me about these things. I'm just afraid of stepping out of bounds here.
 
Last edited:
I'd avoid his wife like the plague. Even if it's most convenient to meet him for your dates at his place, I'd keep my distance from her. We don't have to be friends with our metamours.

As for him being passive aggressive around her... well, that's his and her problem. If they are struggling and you don't like either of them to vent to you, say so, and stay out of it!

If he is being passive aggressive to YOU, that is something you can deal with between you two. If he needs therapy to get to a stronger more assertive place, you can suggest that too. But it's not up to you to be stuck between both of them as their confidant. What an uncomfortable place to be!
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

You could ask him what his expectation is and then honor it.

You are dating him not her. So could ask him to clarify and express your concern over not knowing how to bring up concerns if they relate to his wife. Lean into conflict or uncertainty to resolve it. Not lean away.

As for her, you could ask her to stop telling you her beef with him. She could tell him directly.

As for them as a couple, when they behave that way in front of you during an at home date you could ask if they prefer you go home since it sound like they have private couple stuff to discuss. Reschedule the date. Change date location in future.

Maintain clear boundaries.
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I'd really not start getting involved in their marriage. It works for them, has been around longer than you and it is theirs. Keep out of it.

What you focus on is making sure your relationships are positive and healthy. You arrange your dates. You decide when and where they will be. Not her. You don't fill in for her when she isn't around (emotionally or physically), just stick to your schedule with him. He has to meet the needs his wife doesn't. Not you. Your opinion of her means nothing. That's the person he chooses to share his life with. Be polite to her, expect the same back and keep your distance. You cannot be more involved without getting too involved.
 
It's unfortunate that you're feeling caught in the middle. If I understand right, you care about Rick and therefore want to protect him, and you feel as if Diana is not treating him well and therefore want to intervene on Rick's behalf?

It's hard seeing anyone being treated in a way we believe is inappropriate or hurtful. It's even harder when that person is someone we care about.

But if Rick isn't talking with you about the problems, and if he isn't asserting himself with Diana, that is NOT your responsibility. It's something between them that THEY need to deal with. It's not fun, and it's even more complicated if you're witnessing this when you're at their place, but their relationship is THEIR relationship. You are not part of their marriage; you are in a separate relationship with Rick. You feel however you feel about their interactions, but in my opinion it isn't your place to interfere.

Reading your post, the only aspect that IS your responsibility is Diana's tendency to badmouth Rick to you. You could, as GalaGirl said, tell her "I'm uncomfortable with you saying negative things about Rick to me. I understand you may be just venting, but it's putting me in an awkward place, and I would appreciate it if you stopped."
 
Thanks for the advice, all of you :)

GalaGirl, I particularly appreciate your thoughts regarding clarifying what HIS expectations are of me regarding communicating about his wife. He's made it very clear that he wants she and I to have a close (non-romantic) relationship, and if he doesn't understand my efforts to distance myself from her, he will probably fill in the blanks--quite possibly incorrectly.

After much thought, I at least feel more comfortable about asserting my own boundaries more clearly, re: her trying to recruit me on her side when she has issues with him, asserting my need for one-on-one time with him, etc.

Up to this point, I've had a sort of knee-jerk reaction regarding wanting to have dates on my terms, pushing to spend less time with her, etc. This is because my husband had a partner for a while who was constantly, unabashedly powerplaying me for alone time with him, blamed me if he wasn't free when they wanted him to be, and was never happy with what he could offer time/availability-wise, and a part me of always worries that I'm being like that if I assert my needs--even though what happened with my husband's ex was to an almost cartoonish extreme.

But, to clarify:
I was not considering intervening with Diana on Rick's behalf or directly meddling like that. I was considering something more along the lines of saying to Rick, "It seems like things are a little tense at home for you these days, is there anything you want to talk about? Are things okay with you and Diana?" and going from there. It could be that he would say things are fine, and I would drop it, or he might say things are fine but inquire as to why I asked, in which I might go so far as to say, "I'm not sure if this observation is based on poor sampling, but I feel like you and Diana haven't really been on the same page lately. You haven't seemed happy with the situation, so I wanted to check in." The overall idea was to make it known to him that I was open to being supportive about it, to whatever extent he was comfortable. But I do agree that it would seriously run the risk of making things worse....
 
Hi all. I wanted to ask a follow-up question about establishing healthier boundaries. What would be an appropriate way to establish with Rick that I want to spend a minimum of time around Diana? He and I have been dating for a year now and it will be a pretty significant change, so I can't easily not give a reason, but I think it needs to happen.

Any advice about navigating this would be appreciated! Thank you!
 
I think what you wrote is fine.

After much thought, I at least feel more comfortable about asserting my own boundaries more clearly, re: her trying to recruit me on her side when she has issues with him, asserting my need for one-on-one time with him, etc.

Flip it the other way but keep it up front and honest.

"I am not comfortable with her trying to recruit me to her side when she has issues with you. I prefer you guys sort it out directly between you. I also need more one one one time with you right now. So I prefer to focus in that than spending my extra time with her."

No need to explain further. It just is what you need at this time.

Galagirl
 
Back
Top