ewokprincess
New member
Short version:
What do you do when your partners are having relationship difficulties with their metamours?
Long version:
Hi all. I'm a married person currently dating a married guy. All involved are poly, have been poly for years, and overall I think that aspect of my relationships is pretty healthy and that all metamours have good relationships with one another.
That said, I have difficulty dealing with his wife. And by that I mean, a lot of things about her irritate me--nothing so bad that I can't hang out in a group with her and be friendly, but enough that I don't like spending one-on-one time with her. She's the kind of person I can learn to love as family but would never choose as a friend.
To be clear, very little of my irritation stems from how she treats me--she can be occasionally a bit clueless and insensitive at times, but there's no jealousy between us, and overall she's really been incredibly welcoming of me into their shared life together.
Unfortunately, that said, I am really not a big fan of how she (let's call her Diana) treats Rick. I think, actually, I could more broadly say that I am not a big fan of how their relationship is functioning right now, and I'm not sure what my role in that should be, if any.
He and I have been dating since a few months after they were married. I see their relationship and household in action a lot because I usually stay at his home for our dates, and she is often home then too. (Our dates are usually on weekdays, we live an hour away from each other and he has a very intense day job whereas I'm self-employed, so it's much more practical for me to stay with him than vice-versa.) This is an arrangement that has worked well for us in the past but seems to work less and less well for me as time goes on, largely because I am seeing more and more things that bother me about how they interact.
I feel like she really takes advantage of him and doesn't really appreciate how much he does for her, and she makes a lot of decisions about their life together without taking his feelings into account--some of the decisions quite hefty, too. She also says negative things about him to me, both when he's around and when he's not. Not outright insults, but pointing out his faults or subtly belittling his feelings. She complains to me about stuff she wants him to do that he hasn't done yet, and when I politely suggest she could probably do those things herself, she says she doesn't want the responsibility.
I try to talk to Rick about these issues occasionally but I am loathe to say anything bad about her to him, so it's really difficult.
I really don't understand what my role in any of this should be. Rick largely keeps his problems to himself unless I encourage him to talk, and I am very hesitant to broach a subject that I'm not sure is any of my business. I think he and I are both equally uncomfortable speaking I'll of her, or of his difficulties in communicating with her. He seems increasingly stressed and unhappy and I see more and more low-level passive-aggressive interactions on both sides. I think he is really trying to keep the peace because he just wants to make her happy and doesn't want to trouble the waters.
On the other hand, I feel like Diana wouldn't be treating him so badly if he asserted himself more and stopped enabling her. I think he really needs someone to help him feel empowered to address issues in his home and marital life. I think on his own he just tells himself things really aren't that bad, or that he doesn't have time/energy to deal with the fallout of calling her on her behavior, and leaves it at that.
I have tried to talk about some of these things with Diana before, to try to work them out one on one, but ended up just more frustrated. Months ago after a difficult evening, I told her that I felt like she used me as a bandaid, that she expected me to basically pick up her slack when she didn't want to deal with his needs or feelings, and she acknowledged that that was true but basically said she didn't know what else to do and didn't think it was that bad.
I know this sounds really superior of me, but I feel strongly that these problems, left as they are, are only going to get worse for them with time. I also think they can be solved if both of them put a lot of effort into communicating and being compassionate. But...I have come to know her as being such a self-absorbed and selfish person that I find it hard to believe she will make that effort. So I am pretty cynical, and feel guilty about that.
What should I do here? Should I just continue to try to suck it up, maybe avoid spending time with both of then together until they sort things out on their own? Or should I talk to Rick about my concerns? I don't want to make it about my issues with her, as much as possible, I'd really most like to focus on giving Rick the tools to do what he can to fix things, or at the very least, to feel like he can talk to me about these things. I'm just afraid of stepping out of bounds here.
What do you do when your partners are having relationship difficulties with their metamours?
Long version:
Hi all. I'm a married person currently dating a married guy. All involved are poly, have been poly for years, and overall I think that aspect of my relationships is pretty healthy and that all metamours have good relationships with one another.
That said, I have difficulty dealing with his wife. And by that I mean, a lot of things about her irritate me--nothing so bad that I can't hang out in a group with her and be friendly, but enough that I don't like spending one-on-one time with her. She's the kind of person I can learn to love as family but would never choose as a friend.
To be clear, very little of my irritation stems from how she treats me--she can be occasionally a bit clueless and insensitive at times, but there's no jealousy between us, and overall she's really been incredibly welcoming of me into their shared life together.
Unfortunately, that said, I am really not a big fan of how she (let's call her Diana) treats Rick. I think, actually, I could more broadly say that I am not a big fan of how their relationship is functioning right now, and I'm not sure what my role in that should be, if any.
He and I have been dating since a few months after they were married. I see their relationship and household in action a lot because I usually stay at his home for our dates, and she is often home then too. (Our dates are usually on weekdays, we live an hour away from each other and he has a very intense day job whereas I'm self-employed, so it's much more practical for me to stay with him than vice-versa.) This is an arrangement that has worked well for us in the past but seems to work less and less well for me as time goes on, largely because I am seeing more and more things that bother me about how they interact.
I feel like she really takes advantage of him and doesn't really appreciate how much he does for her, and she makes a lot of decisions about their life together without taking his feelings into account--some of the decisions quite hefty, too. She also says negative things about him to me, both when he's around and when he's not. Not outright insults, but pointing out his faults or subtly belittling his feelings. She complains to me about stuff she wants him to do that he hasn't done yet, and when I politely suggest she could probably do those things herself, she says she doesn't want the responsibility.
I try to talk to Rick about these issues occasionally but I am loathe to say anything bad about her to him, so it's really difficult.
I really don't understand what my role in any of this should be. Rick largely keeps his problems to himself unless I encourage him to talk, and I am very hesitant to broach a subject that I'm not sure is any of my business. I think he and I are both equally uncomfortable speaking I'll of her, or of his difficulties in communicating with her. He seems increasingly stressed and unhappy and I see more and more low-level passive-aggressive interactions on both sides. I think he is really trying to keep the peace because he just wants to make her happy and doesn't want to trouble the waters.
On the other hand, I feel like Diana wouldn't be treating him so badly if he asserted himself more and stopped enabling her. I think he really needs someone to help him feel empowered to address issues in his home and marital life. I think on his own he just tells himself things really aren't that bad, or that he doesn't have time/energy to deal with the fallout of calling her on her behavior, and leaves it at that.
I have tried to talk about some of these things with Diana before, to try to work them out one on one, but ended up just more frustrated. Months ago after a difficult evening, I told her that I felt like she used me as a bandaid, that she expected me to basically pick up her slack when she didn't want to deal with his needs or feelings, and she acknowledged that that was true but basically said she didn't know what else to do and didn't think it was that bad.
I know this sounds really superior of me, but I feel strongly that these problems, left as they are, are only going to get worse for them with time. I also think they can be solved if both of them put a lot of effort into communicating and being compassionate. But...I have come to know her as being such a self-absorbed and selfish person that I find it hard to believe she will make that effort. So I am pretty cynical, and feel guilty about that.
What should I do here? Should I just continue to try to suck it up, maybe avoid spending time with both of then together until they sort things out on their own? Or should I talk to Rick about my concerns? I don't want to make it about my issues with her, as much as possible, I'd really most like to focus on giving Rick the tools to do what he can to fix things, or at the very least, to feel like he can talk to me about these things. I'm just afraid of stepping out of bounds here.
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