I don't know what to title this

Randomlyrandom

New member
I've lurked here for a bit now, trying to find a post that is similar to my situation. I'm actually very nervous about posting, but the replies I've seen while browsing have been insightful (with a healthy dose of respect and understanding!), so I feel like this is a safe space to put my thoughts down. Even solicited some common sense and comfort because I'm kind of a mess at this point. I don't know what to ask, so I'm just going to lay it out for y'all to pick at.

Oh and please forgive me in advance for the complexity of this post. I'm really working through a lot of things right now. Also, I can't use names, but I'll be as clear as possible.

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A & B are a married poly couple, with C as secondary to B and myself in a limbo of sorts (but considered a secondary to B, by B). A dates, but hasn't done so in the last year. They're closed again, think. I don't know anymore to be honest.

I have been married to a mono for many years, but due to dv and other issues,I have tried to leave several times over the last 4 years. This time has been the most successful, and we'll be divorced shortly, which will be a huge relief. Seems like an odd mention, but it's pertinent.

B and I met a little more than 5 years ago, and as time has gone on, we've progressed from platonic friends to a romantic ldr (and a bit into disownment along the way). Definitely a process, nothing rushed or forced - we haven't even met in person.

When A & B decided poly was for them a little more than 3 years ago, and it did open the possibility of B and I becoming an official couple *someday* but we just kind of let things go along naturally. They had rules like no partners at their house and veto. I am most certainly poly, but I didn't know about poly, so I thought this was normal and respected what I now know is a primary relationship. They were new too, so I know that these rules were made with good intentions - especially because they sought counseling before proceeding. No one wanted to hurt anyone as far as I know!

So, A & B began to date around and B met C after a several months.

Side note: it was about this time that the connection between B and I deepened. We've been friends for a while already. Being long distance though, I wasn't in a position to jump right in anyway and I was (and am ) at a place in my life where I only want to be a secondary. So everything was cool at first. And in someways, things still are.


Here's where the problem starts. A is more casual and B forms connection. So when B caught the feels for not just me, but a second person, things began to change for A. It wasn't anything dramatic. B and C still saw each other. A and C became decent friends as well, so they would all hang out and go out together. Sometimes, I thought it was odd that the rules I was presented with were never applied to C, but it didn't necessarily offend me, just intrigue. Another thought was that it signaled to me that C was a good person and great relationship. That relationships like our are fluid anyway. Things change.

These assumptions dissipated over time though. B never let the friendship with me wither. A's problem with this became more apparent over time. It started with limited interaction between A and I, despite my expressing interesting in getting to know one another and invitations to talk. It's been several years and most of what we know of each other is by proxy. This is a disquieting experience for me.

There were strict rules placed on interaction between B and I. No web chat & No pics between B and I (Normal ones! Not dirty.). Chat or phone only - and I have a feeling B had to fight to keep the latter. Seeing who I'm speaking to is important so it's been frustrating ad hearing to this. A never quite explained any of this in a way that made sense. This is despite A even saying that I seem like a very cool person. This has been really confusing for me. I've simply respected that they had their reasons though so when B brought A's thoughts to the table, I supported A's PoV and backed A's decisions (with frustration, but without argument).

Early 2012, A declared their relationship closed. C and I were to the curb. Or so I thought. B and I were still friends, but we severely curbed our interaction. We were caring acquaintances. A couple of months later, B tells me they're starting to see C again on a limited basis. And in the months after that, all three of them started hanging together and staying over, as if the close never happened, when C was in town for work. I would come up again as a topic and uncertainty about being open would steadily creep back in.

By mid 2013, I had flipped out. It wasn't necessarily... jealousy. More like resentment. I felt betrayed, inadequate and confused. C is cool as heck as far as I can tell and I want them to be able to date. Hell, I want to date C, lol. This is about feeling purposely excluded and having few clues as to why. I'd begun to feel like there was something wrong me to not be as welcomed as C by A. B & C are expecting now after dating for a year and a half, so now C is family. And B has to walk on eggshells about me.

Note: while a child would be nice, it's definitely not in my future. At all. I have no issues and and am very happy for B & C. Children outside of the primary relationship though was the last major rule I was presented with. B & I have talked about it in getting to know each other. Mostly the whole "what kind of parent are you?" sort of thing. Never serious talk about having children - *especially* because it was A's exclusive right, period. In the end, I'm just honestly confused as to why rules even existed. Most were ignored or invalid upon meeting C. *shrug*

So to kind of start wrapping this up. B has still continued to work towards including me in their life. I trust this is happening because I get to handle the result of A & B's fighting. B is plagued with guilt and frustration and hurt. As to reasons? The two most recent are the most clear. 6-7 months ago, it was that there are too many people with C now part of the family. I believe they're now a V. Currently, A says it's because I'm married (I actually think this is kind of morphing into something new right now. Ask me in a few weeks).

IMO, A could have and should have spoken the latest reason several years ago. I'll go as far to say that a friendship should never have developed in the first place. This concerns me, because from what I know of A, beating around bushes is no where near the type of person they are. At all.

I've never been any sort of secret, so this isn't new. Neither is my circumstance, my attempts to leave, why they haven't worked out, and so on. A, along with B, has even contributed in the effort. For A to start calling me married is almost offensive, to be honest. But I technically can't be upset because I'm technically married. The reason won't last long, though since my divorce finalizes this month. Unfortunately, I don't think this is the last of it and am apprehensive about what's to come from A next.


I really care about B and trust them, but I feel stupid and insecure. I want to like A, but I don't trust them. I resent C, which isn't fair. Carrying any of thing into a relationship is not healthy. I don't want to carry this baggage if I decide to really start dating B. Some months ago, I began to distance myself a bit. I enjoy B's company when I have it, but do not call them nor do I share more than general, safe pleasantries. That bothers me because, relationship aside, B had become of of my dearest friends. I used to be so sure that whether we decided to become official or not, we'd always be close. Now I don't know if that's possible. I'm not even sure I want to... I'm afraid A will interfere. I'm also more than certain that I've handled this whole thing poorly and don't know how to gain some good perspective.


What are your thoughts?
 
I am sorry you struggle. Let me sum up to see if I understand it all. Correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

B is the hinge in this network. He has three partners.

  • A, the wife, and primary
  • C, a secondary GF who is currently pregnant with B's child even though children was supposed to be exclusive to A (was genetic monogamy promised and B broke his promise with an unplanned pregnancy with C?)
  • You, a potential, who's is currently divorcing your husband due to domestic violence issues. The relationships is also LDR, and you have yet to meet in person.
  • B considers you a secondary GF. You are not entirely sure what you are. The rest consider you what? What sort of model are you all trying to practice together?

There has been some back and forth with Open Or Closed. It is not clear to me right now if this is Open or Closed and where you stand as a dating partner.

The main problem at this time is that you would like to resume online dating B and see where it could lead, but you are frustrated with B not giving you more access to B? And B cites agreements with A as the reason? And tells you all about their fights and personal problems?

Do you ever talk to A directly? Because you say everything is by proxy, which I assume is B. You do not like that and you have the impression A is usually up front and direct so all this wishy washy is baffling.

So... If you only get data via B How can you know he isn't spinning tales and blaming A?

I think you could chill on the thing with B -- get through your divorce first. Heal, then see what's what when you have less on your plate.

B and his life right now sound like drama to me. Taking a break from it all, since you seem to incline in that direction, might be good.

Galagirl
 
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Hi GalaGirl,

Thank you very much for replying. Yes, you have it correct.

We have considered and spoken about many of the questions you raise. I'll go through as thoroughly as possible.

I noticed the edit, an added my answers to the top.
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I don't know if it's Open or Closed right now. I've lost track.

I am no secret though and never have been. B considers me their partner, the others consider me a potential, but not-quite-welcome addition. C does not give input more than an acknowledgement. I haven't been able to gauge if this is due to situation only or if this is personal (because of how this whole thing has been handled). For now, I'm sticking to saying I'm in limbo because I'll continue to (mostly) side with what A wants. I want to think that the finalizing of my divorce is the only thing that bothers A, but the fact that this hasn't been an upfront and constant reason is what causes me concern, in addition to never speaking directly, and the vehemence of their arguments over B wanting to date.

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Our meeting was uneventful. When B & I were just acquaintances and then friends through our old online community, B would eventually pass along that A light heartedly called me B's girlfriend. Friendship and a real connection happened over a couple of years. As that changed, so did A's regard of me. At some point, I'd even considered the possibility that A felt as though B had been cheating in the past (they hadn't identified as poly yet, let alone Open when we met), but that was shot down as quickly as the idea was uttered. A knew we really were just friends, so those accusations never happened.

Other thoughts I've had are that I could have been vetoed from the jump, but B resisted that, so opening and closing is A's way around it. Or maybe A decided to give me time to sort out my end, and having reached their patience, are now upfront about their original concern.

I've never spoken to A directly so these are things I don't know. Neither of them are washy washy though so those guesses feel solid. B tries the bridge the best way they can. And A, while I'm upset about not them being upfront and sometimes quite hurtful, has brought sound and valid thoughts to the table (ie: harm via spouse). My impression is that only the pertinent info of select conversations and arguments are getting to me, so there's bits missing, on top of my not being present. I don't know how the subject is broached and progresses, only the end result.

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I am not privy to their entire life, only what involves me and general pleasantries, so each relationship is it's own. They are a happy couple, so bad days are rare. Occasionally, there will have been something that bothers him enough that I can tell - if he wants to talk about his feelings and thoughts, he's able to. I try to be careful though and only act as far as an ear or shoulder, for fear of offering unsolicited advice. Their relationship is not mine and I don't know enough, so it's not my place.

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Not being closer due to the issues my husband could cause is definitely a concern for all involved. If not directly to them, it would be to me. I take both possibilities seriously and don't want any conflict visiting anyone's door. While I wholeheartedly agree with and support not being close if A chooses, I don't see any good come from a complete lack of communication save what's shared through B.

A and I aren't people. We're basically a collection of (mostly good) stories and information passed back and forth through a third party. This leaves too much room for mistakes, misunderstanding and miscommunication. It's happened before and left one of us with hurt feelings each time. Not being "real" fueled that. I have at least one unfavorable opinion of A, despite thinking they're generally cool, because they don't speak for themselves. To that, this also leaves room for suspicion - does A think I'm feeding B a bunch of hogwash? Or am I genuine. As much as I love B, I honestly feel more comfortable representing myself.

After all these years, I don't even know if A even understands, or believes in, how deeply I've come to care about B. Hearing how much I do from B is not the same as hearing it from me. On A's end, it would have gone a long way to hear from them that things aren't personal, it's x,y,z. I trust what B tells me, but no direct communication in the past and now is a red flag.


Heavy stuff aside, I've gotten used to it for the most part. But the lack of a hello does get to me sometimes. It feels deeper than just not wanting to be close. It's like an rejection. My insecurity tells me that A really just wants me to disappear. That I wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. That may be me being sensitive though.

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There are no financial concerns. I have some boundaries I will not cross because I am married, in the end of it, and take vows and the nature of my relationships very seriously. I am/was in a mono and will uphold that until the end. Meeting in person hasn't been possible, in part, because I'll say no. It also won't be an option for several more months post divorce for reasons I'll go into in a moment.


Both stress and "how many is too many" are major things both B and I speak about as it relates to our day to day. It's a concern to all of us, especially with (planned) baby on the way. A has been very vocal on this in the semi-recent past. I can only answer that with a "I was here first!", in my best 3 y/o voice, of corse, lol. In all seriousness though. I really was. As friends, almost two and a half years before C.


I can take good guesses about the complaint of adding more. Perhaps A saw no future because I live too far and really struggled with mustering the courage to deal with my personal life quickly (and in a way that A feels is best - they've tsktsk'd a couple of times. I care about and love my husband even though I shouldn't). Or that I need too much work to be beneficial because of my experiences. Or A simply doesn't understand why B would want to date me. C (and A) is everything I'm not in all these areas, so C might make more sense to A.

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I specifically want to be a secondary, or even tertiary, because I've become extremely protective of my independence and want to keep like 90% of my space. After divorce, I want time for myself to heal. I discussed with B not wanting to be much closer than we are until I feel whole again. I'm heading to counseling and so forth in a couple of weeks. We won't be meeting while I'm trying to dust myself off. B is more than respectful and supportive of the decision. They are an active participant in my recovery, and will never push for more than I'm ready for.


At the same time, it's not like I just popped up. I truly don't understand A seeing the attachment form between B and I and then not just decide to ok a completely new person, but also that new person should have a baby (instead of respecting what already existed). ...And then turn around complain about adding too many people? I do want to stress again that babies aren't my goal and that I'm ok with all of this. I just can't make heads or tails of the decisions from any direction. It's odd to me. And a little funny. It feels like a lack of trust. Maybe my situation is just that repulsive. Maybe *I* am. I don't know and not sure if I'll find out.


In the end, I don't need much in the way of attention in the first place and am very flexible since kids and other needs are a priority. I don't know if A understands this about me. Just the mention of my status gets messy and doesn't go far. I know B has likely tried to express this though, so we'll see.

Side note: B and I are one day at a time sort of people - Bf/gf have only recently been used, by me, half-jokingly. We don't see ldr as an obstacle, it's just how things are right now. Patience is B's middle name. And I, while not as patient, am very conscious about harming others in any way.

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As far as I know, the attention for each of us is fine right now. Lately, B and I hang out once a week, anywhere from a couple mins to say good night, to a couple hours of talking. We all have our own friends, interests, work and hobbies so my time is usually when the day is done and everyone else is occupied. On rare occasion, it'll be a couple nights in a row.

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Leaky is definitely not a problem - not enough is coming through anymore, as a matter of fact. B is very careful with all of our feelings to begin with and has recently said that more and more often, there isn't a point to speaking/sharing. They feel it only serves to upset one or all parties. Being a bridge is a stressful experience for them and painful for me to watch.

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I guess that leads into your final thought and the place I'm in right now. I see your chill out, and raise you a cut ties. Heh. Between the self-blame, hurt, insecurities, resent, doubt and mistrust I've developed, I think I should just walk away. Just watching B deal with this makes me want to do it. I don't think we can be more low-key than the way things are right now, which leaves "breaking up" as the only option I see. Every time I think about leaving though, I remember last year's blow up. We didn't speak for a couple of months. While away, there was some serious grieving going on; it felt like a big part of my life was broken - and B experienced the same, as it turned out. It was awful. Using a painful decision to fix a painful situation is not really appealing. But it feels like one of the only decisions left. I'm going to keep chewing on this, and make a decision in a couple of weeks.
 
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I just noticed your question on our model. That's something I can't answer with confidence. What was supposed to be very compartmentalized and governed became more family-like very quickly (and oddly, by my opinion). I can't tell if the same will be extended to me, if I'm still around and am welcomed.

I have some choice thoughts on all of that, but I don't want to make assumptions, so I won't detail it here.
 
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