Randomlyrandom
New member
I've lurked here for a bit now, trying to find a post that is similar to my situation. I'm actually very nervous about posting, but the replies I've seen while browsing have been insightful (with a healthy dose of respect and understanding!), so I feel like this is a safe space to put my thoughts down. Even solicited some common sense and comfort because I'm kind of a mess at this point. I don't know what to ask, so I'm just going to lay it out for y'all to pick at.
Oh and please forgive me in advance for the complexity of this post. I'm really working through a lot of things right now. Also, I can't use names, but I'll be as clear as possible.
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A & B are a married poly couple, with C as secondary to B and myself in a limbo of sorts (but considered a secondary to B, by B). A dates, but hasn't done so in the last year. They're closed again, think. I don't know anymore to be honest.
I have been married to a mono for many years, but due to dv and other issues,I have tried to leave several times over the last 4 years. This time has been the most successful, and we'll be divorced shortly, which will be a huge relief. Seems like an odd mention, but it's pertinent.
B and I met a little more than 5 years ago, and as time has gone on, we've progressed from platonic friends to a romantic ldr (and a bit into disownment along the way). Definitely a process, nothing rushed or forced - we haven't even met in person.
When A & B decided poly was for them a little more than 3 years ago, and it did open the possibility of B and I becoming an official couple *someday* but we just kind of let things go along naturally. They had rules like no partners at their house and veto. I am most certainly poly, but I didn't know about poly, so I thought this was normal and respected what I now know is a primary relationship. They were new too, so I know that these rules were made with good intentions - especially because they sought counseling before proceeding. No one wanted to hurt anyone as far as I know!
So, A & B began to date around and B met C after a several months.
Side note: it was about this time that the connection between B and I deepened. We've been friends for a while already. Being long distance though, I wasn't in a position to jump right in anyway and I was (and am ) at a place in my life where I only want to be a secondary. So everything was cool at first. And in someways, things still are.
Here's where the problem starts. A is more casual and B forms connection. So when B caught the feels for not just me, but a second person, things began to change for A. It wasn't anything dramatic. B and C still saw each other. A and C became decent friends as well, so they would all hang out and go out together. Sometimes, I thought it was odd that the rules I was presented with were never applied to C, but it didn't necessarily offend me, just intrigue. Another thought was that it signaled to me that C was a good person and great relationship. That relationships like our are fluid anyway. Things change.
These assumptions dissipated over time though. B never let the friendship with me wither. A's problem with this became more apparent over time. It started with limited interaction between A and I, despite my expressing interesting in getting to know one another and invitations to talk. It's been several years and most of what we know of each other is by proxy. This is a disquieting experience for me.
There were strict rules placed on interaction between B and I. No web chat & No pics between B and I (Normal ones! Not dirty.). Chat or phone only - and I have a feeling B had to fight to keep the latter. Seeing who I'm speaking to is important so it's been frustrating ad hearing to this. A never quite explained any of this in a way that made sense. This is despite A even saying that I seem like a very cool person. This has been really confusing for me. I've simply respected that they had their reasons though so when B brought A's thoughts to the table, I supported A's PoV and backed A's decisions (with frustration, but without argument).
Early 2012, A declared their relationship closed. C and I were to the curb. Or so I thought. B and I were still friends, but we severely curbed our interaction. We were caring acquaintances. A couple of months later, B tells me they're starting to see C again on a limited basis. And in the months after that, all three of them started hanging together and staying over, as if the close never happened, when C was in town for work. I would come up again as a topic and uncertainty about being open would steadily creep back in.
By mid 2013, I had flipped out. It wasn't necessarily... jealousy. More like resentment. I felt betrayed, inadequate and confused. C is cool as heck as far as I can tell and I want them to be able to date. Hell, I want to date C, lol. This is about feeling purposely excluded and having few clues as to why. I'd begun to feel like there was something wrong me to not be as welcomed as C by A. B & C are expecting now after dating for a year and a half, so now C is family. And B has to walk on eggshells about me.
Note: while a child would be nice, it's definitely not in my future. At all. I have no issues and and am very happy for B & C. Children outside of the primary relationship though was the last major rule I was presented with. B & I have talked about it in getting to know each other. Mostly the whole "what kind of parent are you?" sort of thing. Never serious talk about having children - *especially* because it was A's exclusive right, period. In the end, I'm just honestly confused as to why rules even existed. Most were ignored or invalid upon meeting C. *shrug*
So to kind of start wrapping this up. B has still continued to work towards including me in their life. I trust this is happening because I get to handle the result of A & B's fighting. B is plagued with guilt and frustration and hurt. As to reasons? The two most recent are the most clear. 6-7 months ago, it was that there are too many people with C now part of the family. I believe they're now a V. Currently, A says it's because I'm married (I actually think this is kind of morphing into something new right now. Ask me in a few weeks).
IMO, A could have and should have spoken the latest reason several years ago. I'll go as far to say that a friendship should never have developed in the first place. This concerns me, because from what I know of A, beating around bushes is no where near the type of person they are. At all.
I've never been any sort of secret, so this isn't new. Neither is my circumstance, my attempts to leave, why they haven't worked out, and so on. A, along with B, has even contributed in the effort. For A to start calling me married is almost offensive, to be honest. But I technically can't be upset because I'm technically married. The reason won't last long, though since my divorce finalizes this month. Unfortunately, I don't think this is the last of it and am apprehensive about what's to come from A next.
I really care about B and trust them, but I feel stupid and insecure. I want to like A, but I don't trust them. I resent C, which isn't fair. Carrying any of thing into a relationship is not healthy. I don't want to carry this baggage if I decide to really start dating B. Some months ago, I began to distance myself a bit. I enjoy B's company when I have it, but do not call them nor do I share more than general, safe pleasantries. That bothers me because, relationship aside, B had become of of my dearest friends. I used to be so sure that whether we decided to become official or not, we'd always be close. Now I don't know if that's possible. I'm not even sure I want to... I'm afraid A will interfere. I'm also more than certain that I've handled this whole thing poorly and don't know how to gain some good perspective.
What are your thoughts?
Oh and please forgive me in advance for the complexity of this post. I'm really working through a lot of things right now. Also, I can't use names, but I'll be as clear as possible.
---
A & B are a married poly couple, with C as secondary to B and myself in a limbo of sorts (but considered a secondary to B, by B). A dates, but hasn't done so in the last year. They're closed again, think. I don't know anymore to be honest.
I have been married to a mono for many years, but due to dv and other issues,I have tried to leave several times over the last 4 years. This time has been the most successful, and we'll be divorced shortly, which will be a huge relief. Seems like an odd mention, but it's pertinent.
B and I met a little more than 5 years ago, and as time has gone on, we've progressed from platonic friends to a romantic ldr (and a bit into disownment along the way). Definitely a process, nothing rushed or forced - we haven't even met in person.
When A & B decided poly was for them a little more than 3 years ago, and it did open the possibility of B and I becoming an official couple *someday* but we just kind of let things go along naturally. They had rules like no partners at their house and veto. I am most certainly poly, but I didn't know about poly, so I thought this was normal and respected what I now know is a primary relationship. They were new too, so I know that these rules were made with good intentions - especially because they sought counseling before proceeding. No one wanted to hurt anyone as far as I know!
So, A & B began to date around and B met C after a several months.
Side note: it was about this time that the connection between B and I deepened. We've been friends for a while already. Being long distance though, I wasn't in a position to jump right in anyway and I was (and am ) at a place in my life where I only want to be a secondary. So everything was cool at first. And in someways, things still are.
Here's where the problem starts. A is more casual and B forms connection. So when B caught the feels for not just me, but a second person, things began to change for A. It wasn't anything dramatic. B and C still saw each other. A and C became decent friends as well, so they would all hang out and go out together. Sometimes, I thought it was odd that the rules I was presented with were never applied to C, but it didn't necessarily offend me, just intrigue. Another thought was that it signaled to me that C was a good person and great relationship. That relationships like our are fluid anyway. Things change.
These assumptions dissipated over time though. B never let the friendship with me wither. A's problem with this became more apparent over time. It started with limited interaction between A and I, despite my expressing interesting in getting to know one another and invitations to talk. It's been several years and most of what we know of each other is by proxy. This is a disquieting experience for me.
There were strict rules placed on interaction between B and I. No web chat & No pics between B and I (Normal ones! Not dirty.). Chat or phone only - and I have a feeling B had to fight to keep the latter. Seeing who I'm speaking to is important so it's been frustrating ad hearing to this. A never quite explained any of this in a way that made sense. This is despite A even saying that I seem like a very cool person. This has been really confusing for me. I've simply respected that they had their reasons though so when B brought A's thoughts to the table, I supported A's PoV and backed A's decisions (with frustration, but without argument).
Early 2012, A declared their relationship closed. C and I were to the curb. Or so I thought. B and I were still friends, but we severely curbed our interaction. We were caring acquaintances. A couple of months later, B tells me they're starting to see C again on a limited basis. And in the months after that, all three of them started hanging together and staying over, as if the close never happened, when C was in town for work. I would come up again as a topic and uncertainty about being open would steadily creep back in.
By mid 2013, I had flipped out. It wasn't necessarily... jealousy. More like resentment. I felt betrayed, inadequate and confused. C is cool as heck as far as I can tell and I want them to be able to date. Hell, I want to date C, lol. This is about feeling purposely excluded and having few clues as to why. I'd begun to feel like there was something wrong me to not be as welcomed as C by A. B & C are expecting now after dating for a year and a half, so now C is family. And B has to walk on eggshells about me.
Note: while a child would be nice, it's definitely not in my future. At all. I have no issues and and am very happy for B & C. Children outside of the primary relationship though was the last major rule I was presented with. B & I have talked about it in getting to know each other. Mostly the whole "what kind of parent are you?" sort of thing. Never serious talk about having children - *especially* because it was A's exclusive right, period. In the end, I'm just honestly confused as to why rules even existed. Most were ignored or invalid upon meeting C. *shrug*
So to kind of start wrapping this up. B has still continued to work towards including me in their life. I trust this is happening because I get to handle the result of A & B's fighting. B is plagued with guilt and frustration and hurt. As to reasons? The two most recent are the most clear. 6-7 months ago, it was that there are too many people with C now part of the family. I believe they're now a V. Currently, A says it's because I'm married (I actually think this is kind of morphing into something new right now. Ask me in a few weeks).
IMO, A could have and should have spoken the latest reason several years ago. I'll go as far to say that a friendship should never have developed in the first place. This concerns me, because from what I know of A, beating around bushes is no where near the type of person they are. At all.
I've never been any sort of secret, so this isn't new. Neither is my circumstance, my attempts to leave, why they haven't worked out, and so on. A, along with B, has even contributed in the effort. For A to start calling me married is almost offensive, to be honest. But I technically can't be upset because I'm technically married. The reason won't last long, though since my divorce finalizes this month. Unfortunately, I don't think this is the last of it and am apprehensive about what's to come from A next.
I really care about B and trust them, but I feel stupid and insecure. I want to like A, but I don't trust them. I resent C, which isn't fair. Carrying any of thing into a relationship is not healthy. I don't want to carry this baggage if I decide to really start dating B. Some months ago, I began to distance myself a bit. I enjoy B's company when I have it, but do not call them nor do I share more than general, safe pleasantries. That bothers me because, relationship aside, B had become of of my dearest friends. I used to be so sure that whether we decided to become official or not, we'd always be close. Now I don't know if that's possible. I'm not even sure I want to... I'm afraid A will interfere. I'm also more than certain that I've handled this whole thing poorly and don't know how to gain some good perspective.
What are your thoughts?