How far should fluid bonding go??

Yeah uh, relationship anarchy does nowhere mean that you have to have fluid bonded sex with all of your partners if you have fluid bonded sex with any of them. That would be a major red flag for me too. Relationship anarchy means that you get to decide what each of your relationships mean to you and there is NO standard way to treat every partner or all partners, although any ethical relationship anarchists usually default to honesty/transparency and respect of consent.

If she is going to throw a temper tantrum and try to emotionally manipulate him into fluid bonding with her by threatening the end of the relationship, that's pretty horrible. I hope your boyfriend takes that information into account when he is deciding how to interact with her going forward.
 
Bleh, r'ship anarchy has nothing to do with being fluid bonded, and therefore requiring your current partners be fluid bonded, with every Tom, Dick or Harry she chooses to fuck.

When my ex bf started dating others after one and a half years of a bf/gf r'ship with me and a 1 year FWB r'ship with my gf, I told him I would go back to using condoms with him. We'd used condoms for the first 8 months of our r'ship as we both wanted to be tested 6 months after my r'ships with 2 other guys I'd been seeing when he and I met had ended.

So... he started dating, but didn't quite start actually fucking because 3 women in a row he started seeing all had HSV 1 and/or 2. And condoms don't even protect against HSV!

Luckily (I guess) I had issues with the people he was choosing to date, and how he was dating them. Ethical moral issues. Everything started seeming sketchy, the condom/STI thing was just one more piece of shit. So, we broke up before he actually had full on penetrative sex with anyone else.

But if he had started actually fucking a woman without herpes, even if they used condoms, I would have also reluctantly gone back to condoms with him, losing the ease and fun of bareback sex. :( Condoms can break or fall off. I couldn't be a fly on the wall during the sex he had with others, so I'd still want to be extra sure I (and my gf!) were safe from anything his other partners might pass along.
 
Hi all,

Thank you so much for these replies. The wide variety of responses is actually really helpful to see that there could be any number of reasonable approaches.

My partner's girlfriend and her new partner both have been tested. They are also nice people, I'm sure; I haven't met them. But don't "nice people" occasionally engage in extra-curriculars that they do not always disclose? Among those who are fluid bonded among multiple people, I would love to hear why/how you felt safe enough to do so. Should I ask to meet them? And would this even make a difference seeing that "nice people" do all kinds of things in secret?

My partner only sees her 3-4 times a month. Whereas he and I are working to build a life together. I'm just mentioning this to put things into perspective. We would both feel a loss to start using condoms. But I don't want to give an ultimatum where he needs to choose between her and me. Again, he did not expect her to refuse the request, so I guess in some ways it is her giving the ultimatum. I do not have another partner at this time, but I absolutely plan to use condoms with outside partners! I think the heart of the matter is that she does consider herself an outside partner.

Thank you so much!



Since I am fluid bonded with both of my partners and you wanted to know what makes someone else feel comforetable to be fluid bonded with more than e partner I have no problem explain why I am not worried about it. I am the hinge in a Polyfi Vee. (MFM) And I have no problem with it for several reasons. For one I have been with my husband for more than 10 years exclusively. When we opened our relationship so I could be with my Significant Other we both already knew my Significant Other and knew his complete sexual history. When we first opened up I was only fluid bonded with my husband, but after a while and a discusion in wich it came out that hubby didn't care, and SO would really like it if we were, and none of us had any STI's and we're all fine with it if more children came along (though I am on BC) we took the plunge and haven't looked back. Sometimes I will have one of my guys use a condom (usually for a quicky right after I have had a shower (seriously it's like they plan for it lol!) or if I'm just too tired to want to deal with clean up and plan on rolling over and going to sleep right after sex lol.) but it isn't often and it's always about clean up at this point. Nether one has an issue with it. But none of us plan on or are looking for another partner right now ethe. If that changes? Well we will discuss it then.
 
It is not unreasonable for her to use condoms. The more people the more difficult the fluent bonding. There has to be trust (and testing) all around, or the condoms stay on.

Another matter is pregnancy protection as well.

We are currently fluent bonding within a MFM V, I am on an IUV to not get pregnant. When M number two entered, we made him do lots of testing. We also waited about four months, before this we used condoms. It was clear early on that he was becoming my 2nd primary partner, otherwise we would never have become fluent bonded so soon.
 
Well, my saga continues. And I just want to reiterate my gratitude for the members of this community! You all really helped me to see that everyone needs to determine (and then communicate) his or her own boundaries. It was based on your collective advice that I determined for myself that I do not want to be fluid bonded with more than one person, at least at this time. My partner actually has come to feel the same, but I gave him space to figure out what to do without pressure from me. Actually, he has never wavered in that he prefers to use condoms with his girlfriend and actually felt annoyed that I offered to use condoms, saying that I was meddling and not honoring his preference. I guess I was trying to avoid the situation that has, in fact, now happened.

He communicated very clearly to his gf that he wants to maintain their relationship but wants to use condoms with her now that she is having barrier-free sex with another partner. She went completely nuts, claiming that I was manipulating him and making him choose. He says she refused to see that he was making his own choice, and apparently things got so awful that he decided to end the relationship with her. She and I have not met before but she just sent me a long email detailing how awful I am, and has asked to meet me so I can "look her in the eye and acknowledge all the lives I ruined." I actually feel pretty sad, mostly because I know that he really did come to this decision on his own.

So I am a bit at a loss as to whether or not I should meet her. I am totally willing to listen to her, but it seems like there could be some unhealthy boundary issues here. For instance, I'm pretty certain he did not tell her that I am willing to use condoms. And therefore it would be inappropriate for me to tell her that. But it would be really hard not to mention it if we meet and she wants to know why I made this demand (despite the fact my partner told her many times it was his decision, not mine).

I'm feeling completely unsure of what to do. As it turns out, my partner is away at a conference and I want him to have a good time; I think he will be very upset at the email she sent me so I don't want to tell him until he is back home. It was a pretty nasty letter. But should I meet her? Or should I discuss it with my partner? Before he left he told me that because she refuses to acknowledge his desires as his own (and that he is not a puppet), he does not want to continue the relationship at all with her. So maybe I should not meet her.....I want to be compassionate, but I also want to maintain healthy boundaries. I really feel awful that she is in so much pain, but my instinct is that it would be over-stepping to meet her when my partner has made the decision not to see her anymore.
 
Oh dear. Sounds like my "entitlement issues" theory was spot on. *sigh*

He's already broken up with her, and you know that her accusations are baseless. So, if I were you, I wouldn't meet her (and, if she mails you again, block her accounts in all media she could contact you over). There is nothing you owe her, especially if she attacks you like this. It's her problem, not yours. You don't need to let yourself get drawn into any more of her drama.

Best of luck for you and your partner, without that woman. I hope whoever gets into your system next time will be a good bit more sober-minded than her.
 
Thank you for these quick replies. I have long been seeing red flags, but because this is my first poly relationship I wasn't sure if I was reacting to something unhealthy, or just reacting to my learning curve with polyamory and metamour issues.

An awful consequence of all of this is that I'm finding it hard not to pass judgement on my partner as to why he wanted to be with her in the first place. Not a helpful sentiment, I know.

Anyway, would it be safe to assume that in general one should not meet a metamour without first discussing it with the mutual partner? Particularly when there is conflict? Just curious in the more general sense. When people are in a V configuration, my sense is that each couple should work things out on their own, unless all 3 people agree to the meeting. But not sure.
 
Last edited:
The only pain she's feeling is loss of control - she thought she was in charge and is boo-hooing now that she's found out she's not.

No, I would NOT go to meet her if I were you. To what end? She just wants to stick it to you and say mean things. What a narcissistic asshole. You didn't ruin anyone's lives! You don't need her drama and negative energy directed your way, and that is all that would happen if you agreed to see her. But, yes, do show your bf her email to you.

If it were me, I might send a terse reply saying something like, "I have no interest in hearing your rant nor indulging your need for drama. I have better things to do with my time. I wish you well as you move on and I ask that you not contact me anymore. Good luck!" If she does contact you again, you can block her, or even report her to her ISP for harrassment.

Boy, some people.
 
Last edited:
I think the correct course of action is to do nothing, but share her email when your partner gets home from his conference. If that inspires him to talk to her again, and explain one final time what his position is and why, then I think that's more than she should expect after how she has behaved. You certainly owe her no closure, or the opportunity to make yourself the target of her unpleasant emotions right now. You have done nothing wrong, and the outcome, sad as it is, was entirely within her own control.

When I hear people say things like 'so you can see how you've ruined my life' or 'see how badly I'm suffering', it's really hard to take them seriously. The pain may be real at some level, but the presentation of it is intentional - and not in an 'I can't help but let this overspill so you see it' way, but in a 'the purpose of this is to make YOU feel bad' kind of way. I don't have time for that emotional manipulation bullshit. She is whipping herself into a frenzy over this, and has been from the start. If she cared about your mutual partner, she would have heard him out rationally, and made her own choices accordingly. If remaining fluid bonded with him was so important to her, she could have not fluid bonded with the other guy. She had choices of her own, and she chose to ignore his wants, his needs, and then question his integrity and agency. If she wishes to paint herself as the victim here, let her. It's not a pattern of behaviour that will serve her well in future though, and hopefully eventually she'll see that and come to view this incident more objectively one day.

If you give her any response at all, how about a URL to this thread discussion? It might be the dose of reality she needs. (Actually, don't do that - I suspect she'll miss how compassionate and respectful you have always been towards her completely, and instead just be outraged that you talked about this situation at all. Which is a shame, because I genuinely think seeing everyone's perspectives, and how delicately you approached a difficult topic, with an open mind, could offer her a lot of insight.)
 
Ignore her. Stay far far away! She's not worth your time. Just the fact that she dramatically said YOU have ruined multiple people's lives shows what a psycho hose beast she is.

As for judging your bf for having gotten involved with her in the first place, cut him some slack. People can put on very nice faces early in relationships, that do not reflect their actual personalities or agendas.

Just chalk this all up to a learning experience and be glad it didn't get worse!
 
psycho hose beast

:D
thumb.png
 
lol!! haha. Thanks for making me smile ;)

it is good to remember that just because someone tells you that you are the cause of the universe coming to an end, doesn't mean it is true. Geesh! And the best way to stay out of drama is to STAY OUT OF IT!

Thank you, all. [[humble hugs]]
 
A beast that hoses you?
 
wow

I think this post is so interesting. I assumed that everyone used protection unless all the parties were tested for STD. I have a female friend that has four partners and she is training in sexual therapy. She is very safe with all of them and she sent me a link for Scroguard because she was thinking of using it. I think it is a little too much but I guess if you are training in sexual surrogacy, you need to be super clean.

Good luck with your situation. There is no way in hell I would ever meet that lady just so she could rip you a new one.

https://scroguard.com/
 
I think this post is so interesting. I assumed that everyone used protection unless all the parties were tested for STD. I have a female friend that has four partners and she is training in sexual therapy. She is very safe with all of them and she sent me a link for Scroguard because she was thinking of using it. I think it is a little too much but I guess if you are training in sexual surrogacy, you need to be super clean.

Good luck with your situation. There is no way in hell I would ever meet that lady just so she could rip you a new one.

https://scroguard.com/

Love it! Condoms just aren't enough anymore
 
If I were you, I'd avoid her, like many in the topic have already said. You don't owe her anything, and unless there is something you think you stand to gain from having a conversation with her, then there is no reason to have one.

It has been my experience that manipulative and controlling people always assume the person they are attempting to control is being controlled by someone else and finds it to be impossible that person could possibly be acting on their own. It's usually pretty telling about how they view the person they think is being controlled.

I think you did the right thing here and it sounds like your boyfriend has been doing a lot of growth as far as learning how to set his own boundaries and own his own decisions. Kudos to both of you!
 
Back
Top