Hello,
I'm a newbie to all of this, though have researched it a lot.
Let me introduce myself, and explain the reason for my interest. I am a 45 year old woman, married, and have been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years with my husband.
However, nearly 2 years ago, I fell massively in lust with another guy, and he with me. At the time I was not happy in my marriage at all. So I told my husband, thinking my crush was a sign of something missing in my marriage. We had some counselling, and things improved somewhat, but my crush did not go, although I tried to end my fling plenty of times.
So, several months later I told my husband that my feelings for the other guy had not changed. He was devastated, angry, scared of losing me. The good thing was, we finally started to communicate more honestly with each other. I had felt very neglected in our relationship for a long time, he was always busy with work and friends, and I felt like the boring wife at home. I have come a long way since then, and have worked on my self-esteem, and do no longer fit in that role!
So we carried on for several more months, trying to get close again, me trying to ignore my feelings so not to hurt my husband's feelings (pattern of a lifetime!) I had made several suggestions about opening our relationship maybe, gave him books and articles to read, but he was not interested. Eventually, last December, he changed his thinking as he saw I was not happy, and he said I could go explore my feelings more. We agreed that he could look around and explore as well.
And now here we are. I am seeing my guy occasionally, and we get on very well. One very difficult thing is that he is in a relationship and he is not open. I find that very hard, to know he is cheating, but not hard enough to give him up! What I find extremely difficult, and I did not expect this, is that my husband is now dating his second fling. I agree with the whole philosophy of polyamory, and that we are able to have more loving relationships, etc. But the jealousy overwhelmes me at times, and I find it very hard to deal with. It stems from the past, when he was ignoring me so often (And I see my role in not being assertive enough etc). I find it very hard that his flings get the nice attention, the effort made for them, the flirting and nice texts, something I wanted so much from him years ago. I do express this to my husband, and he is understanding and is much more attentive to me. He says he loves me deeply, and finds my feelings hard to deal with. He says he can't accept me seeing my other guy, if he is not seeing someone too. This sounds so silly, but I understand. I have found it harder to accept that he is seeing someone during times when things with my guy have been more difficult.
Ah sorry, a rambling story. I hope that maybe some people recognize what I have written, and can share some insight and advice?
Thank you!
I'm a newbie to all of this, though have researched it a lot.
Let me introduce myself, and explain the reason for my interest. I am a 45 year old woman, married, and have been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years with my husband.
However, nearly 2 years ago, I fell massively in lust with another guy, and he with me. At the time I was not happy in my marriage at all. So I told my husband, thinking my crush was a sign of something missing in my marriage. We had some counselling, and things improved somewhat, but my crush did not go, although I tried to end my fling plenty of times.
So, several months later I told my husband that my feelings for the other guy had not changed. He was devastated, angry, scared of losing me. The good thing was, we finally started to communicate more honestly with each other. I had felt very neglected in our relationship for a long time, he was always busy with work and friends, and I felt like the boring wife at home. I have come a long way since then, and have worked on my self-esteem, and do no longer fit in that role!
So we carried on for several more months, trying to get close again, me trying to ignore my feelings so not to hurt my husband's feelings (pattern of a lifetime!) I had made several suggestions about opening our relationship maybe, gave him books and articles to read, but he was not interested. Eventually, last December, he changed his thinking as he saw I was not happy, and he said I could go explore my feelings more. We agreed that he could look around and explore as well.
And now here we are. I am seeing my guy occasionally, and we get on very well. One very difficult thing is that he is in a relationship and he is not open. I find that very hard, to know he is cheating, but not hard enough to give him up! What I find extremely difficult, and I did not expect this, is that my husband is now dating his second fling. I agree with the whole philosophy of polyamory, and that we are able to have more loving relationships, etc. But the jealousy overwhelmes me at times, and I find it very hard to deal with. It stems from the past, when he was ignoring me so often (And I see my role in not being assertive enough etc). I find it very hard that his flings get the nice attention, the effort made for them, the flirting and nice texts, something I wanted so much from him years ago. I do express this to my husband, and he is understanding and is much more attentive to me. He says he loves me deeply, and finds my feelings hard to deal with. He says he can't accept me seeing my other guy, if he is not seeing someone too. This sounds so silly, but I understand. I have found it harder to accept that he is seeing someone during times when things with my guy have been more difficult.
Ah sorry, a rambling story. I hope that maybe some people recognize what I have written, and can share some insight and advice?
Thank you!