PaperGrace
New member
This question is aimed at secondaries – descriptive or proscriptive – current or former.
“Any sense of security about the future that involves everything going exactly according to plan is a false sense of security.” [Bold added in place of italics.]
I took this quote from another thread and I agree. It got me thinking. What is a true sense of security? Does it exist? I’d like it to exist. I am a secondary in a committed relationship in part for the sense of security.
I know a lot of people (mono and poly) who do feel secure in their relationships. Sure, an Act of God could change it all around, but they feel secure. Feeling secure, like everything else, is an inside job. Still, they often point to outside circumstances that foster the sense of security they feel inside. Some point to the longevity of their relationship. Some to their religion and/or marriage vows. Some point to the level of intertwinement. They are so intertwined in finances and assets and family that it would take more effort to disentangle them than to stay where they are. Some point to the future they are both headed towards – that lake house in Maine or retirement community in Arizona. Monogamous couples have the added benefit of community support for their endeavors. That shared last name gets a lot of perks.
As a non-live-in secondary, I feel more secure because I’ve seen my partner stick around and do the hard work in our and in his other relationships. My partner and I have been together 4+ years and been through some tough stuff. At the same time, poly brings lots of changes into our lives in the forms of other life partners and other paths. I don’t feel that I can plan a future with my SO as his intimate relationship circumstances alone seem to change on an annual basis. We have very few practical entanglements. They could be undone in a jiffy. Most of my mono friends don’t know why I continue to date my partner.
For the purposes of this discussion, I am saying that security is distinct from happiness, although they often correlate.
I’d like to hear from other secondaries – Do you feel secure? What supports the feeling of security in your relationship(s)? If you don’t feel secure, what is going on to upset that feeling? What do you imagine would leave you feeling more secure? Hand-fasting? Shared assets? Acknowledgment from those around you? Therapy?
Or is all this talk of security just mental opium? Should we throw the security baby out with the commitment bathwater?
“Any sense of security about the future that involves everything going exactly according to plan is a false sense of security.” [Bold added in place of italics.]
I took this quote from another thread and I agree. It got me thinking. What is a true sense of security? Does it exist? I’d like it to exist. I am a secondary in a committed relationship in part for the sense of security.
I know a lot of people (mono and poly) who do feel secure in their relationships. Sure, an Act of God could change it all around, but they feel secure. Feeling secure, like everything else, is an inside job. Still, they often point to outside circumstances that foster the sense of security they feel inside. Some point to the longevity of their relationship. Some to their religion and/or marriage vows. Some point to the level of intertwinement. They are so intertwined in finances and assets and family that it would take more effort to disentangle them than to stay where they are. Some point to the future they are both headed towards – that lake house in Maine or retirement community in Arizona. Monogamous couples have the added benefit of community support for their endeavors. That shared last name gets a lot of perks.
As a non-live-in secondary, I feel more secure because I’ve seen my partner stick around and do the hard work in our and in his other relationships. My partner and I have been together 4+ years and been through some tough stuff. At the same time, poly brings lots of changes into our lives in the forms of other life partners and other paths. I don’t feel that I can plan a future with my SO as his intimate relationship circumstances alone seem to change on an annual basis. We have very few practical entanglements. They could be undone in a jiffy. Most of my mono friends don’t know why I continue to date my partner.
For the purposes of this discussion, I am saying that security is distinct from happiness, although they often correlate.
I’d like to hear from other secondaries – Do you feel secure? What supports the feeling of security in your relationship(s)? If you don’t feel secure, what is going on to upset that feeling? What do you imagine would leave you feeling more secure? Hand-fasting? Shared assets? Acknowledgment from those around you? Therapy?
Or is all this talk of security just mental opium? Should we throw the security baby out with the commitment bathwater?
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