Woes of a secondary/newbie..needs advice

mly76

New member
I'll try to make this as short as possible... however I need some advice!

I entered into the poly lifestyle after meeting my current s/o...I, she and her primary partner (whom she was already in an existing relationship with) are in the swinger's ls as well which I'm new to.. however all three of us are new to poly. We basically fell into the V dynamic after she indicated that I was her gf and he remained her bf. By the three of us being in the swinger's ls...we would have threesomes not very often...but I would say more regularly than not...which she was ok with me playing with him...so a sexual relationship was already developing between the three of us... however...the connection between me and her was more emotional

Now...at the beginning of our relationship... she asked her bf if he was interested in bringing someone else into the relationship. He chose to only have her and that she was enough for him. She also asked me the same question and I told her if it happens... it happens although I wasn't interested in doing so at that time... because I wanted to see where our relationship would go before making that decision. We really never discussed what our dynamic was at that time... nor what one partner expected from the other in regards to the relationship. We were basically IMO "flying blind"...but didn't realize that we were making common poly mistakes. Now I stated earlier that we fell into the V dynamic I guess you can say by "default".. but in one of her intros in one of the fb poly groups we're in... she stated that we were a healthy functioning triad. She made comments here and there making references to her and I being his "girls". She even made a reference to me being "Our girlfriend". There was also a time at the beginning of our relationship where I made a comment about wanting a sex buddy and she offered him to me to have sex with when I wanted. With all of these references...I guess we're in a triad...so I just assumed that we were...so I hopped aboard what I thought was the "triad train" by making the same references in the same groups... which she still at that time didn't have an issue with. In fact... she stated to me that the posts were "touching her heart". I'm thinking we're on our way to building a (her words) healthy functioning triad... so I thought. All of this taking place roughly 4 1/2 months ago.

Well...here we are nearing 6 months into our relationship and she dropped the bomb on me a few weeks ago. She told me that I am NOT in a poly relationship with the both of them...but I am HER gf ONLY and that her bf and I only play occasionally. She even went on to say that she doesn't know if she feels comfortable with sharing him with another woman emotionally and also stated that if he and I never played again that he would still support our relationship. I feel that she's having a change of heart about me even being with him sexually. At the time we had the conversation I really didn't process it due to the shock and sudden embarrassment I felt at the time. However after giving it further thought...it began to bother me and it's making me feel pessimistic about the progression of our relationship. I haven't discussed my feelings about this with her yet because of her defensive demeanor. I know it's definitely something I have to discuss with her but I just don't know how or what to tell her to let her know that she's not exhibiting poly behavior... but she's in fact being selfish and cheeky. Her bf allows her to have a relationship with me and also a LDR with another partner. Please help as I need advice on how to approach this situation with hopes that the relationship can be saved because I really love her.
 
I'm a little confused. You seem to indicate that you only have a sexy vibe with the bf, and that your connection with your gf is the only one that has an emotional component. Am I reading that right? If so, it sounds like she is (albeit clumsily) just clarifying what the day-to-day dynamics of your collective situation actually are. You and she are partners, you and he are more casual sex partners. Is the problem here that you want a deeper connection with him after all? If so, how does he feel about that?

People manage all kinds of outwardly seeming unbalanced relationships, all the time. What you see as an unfair disparity between her and him (she's 'allowed' poly partners, he's 'allowed' fuck buddies) may not be a disparity between them. Again, what does he think about this? Perhaps he only wants casual hook-ups in his life - many do. Perhaps he even asked her to correct the whole 'we are an equal triad' thing with you because it didn't feel like an accurate description of the reality of the three of you and your interactions. I'd say before rushing to his defence and chastising her for not behaving properly poly, you should talk to both of them and find out where the chips lie with them.

Of course, she may well have insecurities and jealousies seeing you and he interact. Unless you really value that sexy time with him highly though, I'd say that's something for the pair of them to sort out. Unless she is demanding that you stay mono to her because of her jealousies, then this really has nothing to do with you as far as I can see.
 
....I just don't know how or what to tell her to let her know that she's not exhibiting poly behavior... but she's in fact being selfish and cheeky.

There's no such thing as "poly behavior" other than everyone involved is aware of and consents to the relationships. Poly offers many configurations and degrees of sharing and as tenK has pointed out, it's essential (for smooth running relationships and for your own peace of mind) for you to clearly know what is and is not your business. Obviously, your GF has feelings that have arisen during the course of your becoming closer with the man. Perhaps he has uneasy feelings, as well. You can't know what all of those are and that's why you're having anxiety - you're trying to solve a puzzle you don't have all the pieces for. You can either step back in a Zen like fashion and focus on your own peace of mind, separate from the always mercurial feelings and behavior of others, or you can approach your GF directly. It sounds like you'd feel more comfortable having this talk with her than with him.

Things never go well when you open conversations with judgements and accusations. That your GF is being cheeky and selfish is a judgement you're making from your very limited vantage point and not really a "truth" that will move you all in a harmonious direction, which is presumably what you're after. A more compassionate and inquisitive approach will serve you. This is where the Zen comes in. Some people even call this maturity or being a grown up. Recognize that your hurt feelings and yours - not something your GF inflicts upon you, but results of the way you're perceiving the situation. If you alter your mindset from an accusatory stance to more of an inquisitive, compassionate approach, you'll soften the situation and set the tone for a better outcome all around. Step back from a victim perspective (GF is doing this 'n that to me) and take more of a loving participant perspective (we're a little off track here, but we can come to a peaceful place again) and that internal change in view will have an enormous positive influence on how things progress among the three of you, no matter the actual relationship configurations that you three eventually create.
 
Last edited:
So, you have always been more of a V. Occationly you have had sex with her husband. She toyed with the idea of it being a tried, which she now thinks was a mistake and she told you.

Instead of being upset, så least appreciate that she tried to put into words how she feels. And perhaps you should do the same instead of following har lead. You seem the most vocal if the three of you anyway, so it could be time for you to call the shots for a convo for three where you talk this out.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Yo have a lot of layers going on there.

BACKGROUND

Let me repeat back what I understand so far in chronological order, ok? You correct me if I am getting it wrong.

  • You, Lady, and Guy are involved.
  • Swinging and poly are new to you.
  • Only is new to them. (They've been swinging for a while.)
  • You guys did NOT clarify expectations for what open model you want to practice together at the start.
  • It fell into a primary-secondary "V" type triad (often just called a "V") with Lady as the hinge person that you and Guy are romantically and sexually involved with. You are her secondary, presumably Guy is her primary.
  • You all sometimes have casual threesome sex together. But you are in love with Lady, not Guy.

PROBLEMS

  • You wanted a sex buddy.
    • She offers you her BF (so you do not date outside the circle?)
    • You and Guy agree to this arrangement.

  • She started posting her NRE lala's on Facebook groups.
    • That you all were a "Delta" type triad. (Often just called a "triad.")
    • Like you all were equally involved with each other both sexually and emotionally.
  • That was weird to you, because you were NOT in that model at the time. It was a V.
    • you went along with it without stopping to clear it up at that time though.
    • you starting posting yourself in that style. (Your own NRE la-las? Because she was telling you how heartwarming it was and you enjoyed that attention from her?)

  • It is 6 mos in. The NRE la-las start wearing off.
    • Now she drops a bomb on you from nowhere:
      • She is the hinge, you are the GF, and Guy is her BF.
      • You and Guy do NOT share emotional stuff.
      • You think she wants you and Guy stop having casual sex together

BEING SELFISH

What is she being selfish about? I am going to guess... you correct me ok? You think she is selfish because:

  • She wants everyone to be Closed to her -- she is their only partner. Not because they pick this for themselves but because she says so.
  • While she herself has 3 partners.
  • You were wanting a sex buddy before all this facebook stuff. She offered you her BF for a sex buddy (so you wouldn't date new people?)
  • Now she doesn't want you to be with her BF (and you still don't get to date other people to find you a different sex buddy?)

Is that it? This is all about her, her, her? Never mind what other people want? :confused:

MY POV

You don't sound like you are as bothered by going back to a V to me.

You sound like you are more bothered by

  • her making unilateral decisions for the group
  • her aggressive way of communicating (dropping bombs)
  • her defensive listening (when you try to give feedback, problem solve, or do conflict resolution.)

You sound frustrated that

  • you do not know what open model you practice here with these people from this point forward
  • you do not know that all players are on the same page on the model you will practice from this point forward
  • that you may be losing your current sex buddy (Guy, her BF).
  • that you may not able to seek a new sex buddy for yourself in this current model.
  • that you have not spoken up for yourself assertively until now.
  • that you don't have the skills to do it now that you DO want to be more assertive

Is that it? You want to be on solid footing and not all this weird stuff? :confused:

If so, could tell her and him. Sort all this out. One chunk at a time. Could be a series of conversations rather than a marathon session.

SUGGESTIONS

Could own YOUR part in co-creating this situation and apologize for that part of it. Everyone could could do that. All contributed to its making.

  • You all did not stop to clarify some things ahead of time when it was becoming a V to be sure all were on the same page
  • She did not check in before she started posting in FB that this was a delta.
  • Guy did not stop to clarify that after she did it.
  • Neither did you. You "hopped on" the delta train.

Here is opportunity NOW to clarify your actual preferences, be more assertive and not just go along with whatever she says or is doing. Speak your own truth from a grounded place rather than floating along in NRE la-la land.

I notice she is also speaking for him when she says this:

also stated that if he and I never played again that he would still support our relationship

Where is he in this picture? He just goes along with whatever she says? And she now has this expectation that all her partners are supposed to be like that?

I don't mind giving you ideas on HOW to say it... but what is the "IT" that you want to say to her and to him?

If you were making the list of what you want in this relationship going forward from this point on... what would you put? What boundaries do you want to assert with EACH of them? What model do you want? How do you want to be treated? How do you want to be communicated with? How do you like to do problem solving?

Things like...

  • Please do not make unilateral decisions for the group. I prefer you check in with everyone first.
  • Please clarify what open model you want to practice together. I want to practice (A poly V? With or without recreational threesomes with her and Guy?)
  • Please do not drop bombs on me. I prefer you communicate with me...

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
PROBLEMS
You wanted a sex buddy.
She offers you her BF so you do not date outside the circle.
You and Guy agree to this arrangement.
She started posting her NRE lala's on Facebook groups.
That you all were a "Delta" type triad. (Often just called a "triad.")
Like you all were equally involved with each other both sexually and emotionally.
That was weird to you, because you were NOT in that model at the time. It was a V.
you went along with it without stopping to clear it up at that time though.
you starting posting yourself in that style. (Your own NRE la-las? Because she was telling you how heartwarming it was and you enjoyed that attention from her?)
It is 6 mos in. The NRE la-las start wearing off.
Now she drops a bomb on you from nowhere:
She is the hinge, you are the GF, and Guy is her BF.
You and Guy do NOT share emotional stuff.
You think she now wants you and Guy stopping that casual sex thing. But she's not asking that directly and you want clarification on that.


Galagirl... you hit the majority of it dead on... there's only a couple of things I wanted to make more clear.....

She "says" she doesn't mind if I date or play with other guys. I haven't tested that theory yet because her bf was the only guy at the time I was having sex with. I haven't had the opportunity to play with anyone else. My feelings are maybe she's fearing that an emotional bond will be forming between he and I and she doesn't want to share that part of him with anyone else other than herself and she may also be having a change of heart about us having a sexual relationship as well. To go from "He's at your disposal" to "You only play occasionally" is sending me mixed messages. I also feel that as long as she mentioned that we were in a triad it was ok...but as soon as I started following suit it was an issue. I do believe that he may have mentioned to her that he only chose her to be with emotionally and me just sexually...but I'm not sure if they have conversations regarding this. It seems as if she's speaking for the both of them but I'm not exactly sure. I live separately from them and unfortunately due to current life circumstances we haven't spent any time together in a couple of months. I'm ok with the current dynamic but I just want to know if she feels uncomfortable with her bf and I entering into a relationship I need to know why it makes her feel that way. I'm in no way trying to "steal" her man...but because of the fact that he and I do have sex with each other...we've also hung out together and most likely will be around each other more than usual that a relationship can possibly develop. I just want her to understand that...or that may cause us to no longer engage in sexual activities with each other. But if that happens... how if possible will she be able to keep both relationships separate? I'm willing to own my part in all of this by not expressing my concerns early on and not getting clarification on what our dynamic really was. I feel like I've allowed a bigger mess to happen that I want to clean up asap. I thought being poly was about being open to love and one of the rules in poly is being open to change and letting the relationships grow organically and let them take on whatever form it's gonna take. It seems as if she's trying to micromanage my feelings by not allowing me to enter into a relationship with her bf because she made the statement "I don't know if I can handle him being with another woman the way he is with me." but yet he allows you to have a girlfriend AND another boyfriend. That's what I meant by her being selfish and cheeky. I guess it would probably be the same as a man who can has multiple partners but only allow the women to have OPP. I might sound like I'm repeating myself but basically "You're only allowed to have sex with him but that's as far as it goes with you two... and now that I'm thinking about it you're not allowed to do much of that either!" That's the message I basically get from her... if that makes sense... it's so confusing!😩😩
 
I mean all this kindly, ok? I know you are sorting out your confusion here. :eek:

I just want to know if she feels uncomfortable with her bf and I entering into a relationship

You already can make an educated guess that she feels uncomfortable. You wouldn't be writing about it if she was all happy with it.

I need to know why it makes her feel that way.

You WANT to know why. It is not a NEED. But that is up to her to share or not share with you. You can ask her willingness to share. Then see how she answers.

I'm in no way trying to "steal" her man...but because of the fact that he and I do have sex with each other...we've also hung out together and most likely will be around each other more than usual that a relationship can possibly develop.

Yup. In swinging a lot of times people have that "no feelings" rule. That's why no repeat sex with the same person. Sharing sex with someone releases a lot of feel good and bond-y brain chemistry. Repeat sex with that person starts the process of attachment in a pretty heady way.

I just want her to understand that...or that may cause us to no longer engage in sexual activities with each other.

I'm still not hearing that either you or Guy dig each other beyond casual sex. So could let the causal sex go. Have it elsewhere with a different FWB.

Honestly, I think it would be easier to stick with a plainer V if you want to still be with these people.

One where you do NOT share sex with her and her BF in threesomes. One where you don't have casual sex with him at all. Put him on your "messy people" list in your head. Too close for comfort or sanity. You might have others on there -- your boss, her boss, her father, etc.

You say you love her, so could simplify your life and just date her/love her/share sex with her.

If you date other people, make it be (not also her partner.) Keep it WAY simpler in that area of your poly network.

I thought being poly was about being open to love and one of the rules in poly is being open to change and letting the relationships grow organically and let them take on whatever form it's gonna take.

You say "rule" where I would say "helpful skill."

That is how YOU want to practice poly if you want that as a "rule." You did not take the time to find out how SHE wants to practice poly. Or Guy. Or if they are willing to sign up to abide by that rule. I suggest you take the time to find out. Ask it now. Calibrate.

It seems as if she's trying to micromanage my feelings by not allowing me to enter into a relationship with her bf because she made the statement "I don't know if I can handle him being with another woman the way he is with me."

I think she wants to avoid dealing with her own feelings after opening Pandora's Box. I also think you are taking it personally like she can micromanage you. She might try, but she cannot. You can say NO.

To go from "He's at your disposal" to "You only play occasionally" is sending me mixed messages.

I do have to say this talking about him like a thing rather than a person bugs me. Why he doesn't speak up on that I do not know. He is not an umbrella. Like she goes "Oh, you want an umbrella? Here use mine!" Then when she's worried you like her umbrella too much she goes possessive/jealous/weird.

Just tell her point blank -- "I think you rather he and I be friends only. No casual sex and no romantic feelings. So I'm ending that and moving on to date other people for a FWB. It doesn't have to be him. Then hopefully things can then stabilize between us all."

he allows her to have a girlfriend AND another boyfriend.

That is right. He does. He is his own person with his set of skills. He can handle it. What does his having this ability have to do with your GF?

She is another person, and she has to develop her own set of skills. Her own ability to handle something. Just because they date each other doesn't mean they both have the same level of skills. Are you able to see that?

I guess it would probably be the same as a man who can has multiple partners but only allow the women to have OPP.

Yep. I got that vibe before. She wants all her partners to be Closed to Her only. She is the only partner for them.
While she can have more than 1 partner. She is the spoke of the wagon wheel with 3 spokes. You, Guy, and LDR dude.

If that arrangement pleases all participants, then yay.

If it does NOT, and she's trying to tell you what to do whether you actually want this model or not? Well, it's on you to say "NO, thank you. I will not do that model. I am willing to do this model."

Your willingness to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. She cannot actually micromanage you. You have a voice and you can say "No thanks!"

Sort this out. If not compatible, break up.

She "says" she doesn't mind if I date or play with other guys.

So start dating other people. Stop seeing her BF. Put him on your "messy people" list and let it go in order to de-escalate the tension here since you want to preserve your relationship with her.

how if possible will she be able to keep both relationships separate?

What are you seeing as an obstacle to her ability to spend time with you, spend time with him, and spend time as a trio NOT having threesome sex?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I got the impression that he wasn't really into triad anything. Casual sex is fun, but if he's anything like my husband, he thinks one female romantic partner is more than enough work, thank you very much.

I wouldn't be surprised if the sudden outburst was her reaction to his freak out when he learned what you and she had been saying about him online, i.e. labelling him as poly and in a triad, without him every agreeing to any of those terms, or to having details of his life shared on facebook.

Maybe, instead of taking responsibility for her role in the misunderstanding, she just passed on the freak out to you.

It's pretty clear that what's missing is communication. It sounds like most of the other issues are coming out of misunderstanding and assumption. I think if you focus on opening up your communication, those other issues will take care of themselves.
 
Galagirl... thank you so much for the advice. You have helped me in so many ways put things into perspective and brought up some very valid points. I don't have any romantic feelings toward him but I do think he is pretty awesome... and they're great together. He makes her happy and I love that because that's all I want for her. She's been through so much in her life and it is my hope that she and I can one day have a relationship as strong and solid as theirs is. They are both awesome people. I just want us all to be on the same page. I feel hopeful now that it will be ok. I will go with the advice you've given here in this forum and let you guys know how it goes. Thanks again!!
 
Re (from SchrodingersCat):
"I wouldn't be surprised if the sudden outburst was her reaction to his freakout when he learned what you and she had been saying about him online, i.e. labeling him as poly and in a triad, without him ever agreeing to any of those terms, or to having details of his life shared on Facebook."

That's actually the only explanation I can think of that makes sense.
 
Back
Top