I'm new. Advise, please?

Richie

New member
Hi. I am in a monogamous, straight relationship with my partner of one year. We recently started discussing threesomes and having an open relationship. I want to tell him that I want to try poly but I'm scared of how he'll react.

I suggested the open relationship, but my partner could not handle the idea of me having sex with someone whilst he was not there, although he likes the idea of watching me. He can't stand the idea of me being emotionally attached to someone else.

We nearly had the threesome, with an ex-FWB of mine. The FWB cancelled on the day - texting me that he couldn't go through with. He didn't really like the idea of the threesome, he just wanted to have sex with me and that wouldn't be fair on me or my boyfriend, and didn't want to see me having sex with my boyfriend because he has feelings for me.

I told him not to worry, thanked him for being honest and hoping that we could still be friends.

I let my boyfriend read the texts so that he could understand what was going on. Communication and trust are really important to me so I always try to be upfront and honest.

My boyfriend told me he "doesn't like the idea of me being friends with him". I don't want to upset him or cause and arguments so I haven't spoken to my friend. I feel totally cut off from what was a good and honest friendship with someone that I could talk to openly.

Maybe I'm feeling restricted because my partner doesn't want me to talk to my friend (he never said I can't). Maybe I'm being selfish.. he says he doesn't want anyone else, so why should I drag him through all this difficulty?

But I feel very strongly that I want to try this. It'll be hard but it could be so worth it. Reading about poly I realise now that my old FWB was more important to me than I thought at the time and I feel like I need someone else in my life that I can talk to, laugh with, trust, care for and have sex with.

How do I bring it up without freaking out my boyfriend? Without him seeing me differently? Or maybe he should see me differently, because this is who I am? Is it worth the risk?

Sorry for the long explanation, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.
 
Greetings Richie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re:
"My boyfriend told me he 'doesn't like the idea of me being friends with [my ex-FWB].'"

Hmmm, that seems to me to go too far. Your boyfriend gets to decide who you can and can't have as platonic friends? especially after you all but promised your ex-FWB that you would be friends.

Re:
"I feel very strongly that I want to try this."

At this point I think you have to figure out whether or not you and your boyfriend are compatible. It sounds to me like you specifically want poly, not just an open relationship. So can your boyfriend accept that, or not? You'll have to ask him.

Re:
"How do I bring it up ..."

Simply and humbly. Perhaps, "I really want to try a polyamorous relationship. Is that okay, and do you understand what that means?"

Re:
"... without freaking out my boyfriend?"

That's another matter entirely. I don't know of any ways to bring it up that could guarantee that your boyfriend wouldn't freak. A lot of this depends on just how opposed to poly (emotional involvement with other partners) he is. Bottom line, you should probably brace yourself for a difficult discussion. It's difficult, but it needs to happen.

Re:
"Without him seeing me differently? or maybe he should see me differently, because this is who I am?"

Indeed.

Re:
"Is it worth the risk?"

There's a risk no matter what you do. It depends on how fervently you desire poly. If you try to keep a lid on that desire, it may ferment and yield resentment after (x) number of months or years. If it spoils your relationship anyway, what have you gained?

I don't want to scare or discourage you, but I do want to discuss openly the reality of the situation. The truth is, you are in a tight spot. There are no easy answers here. None that I know of anyway.

I don't know if that helps at all; I am of course willing to continue to talk about it if you want to.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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I am sorry you struggle.

Here is what you value highly.

Communication and trust are really important to me so I always try to be upfront and honest.

I assume you do not value fearfulness. You experience fear sometimes, but you do not VALUE it.

Examine all this with that lens. Are you being honest? Up front? Communicating? Being trustworthy? Answering to your highest values or answering to fear?


My boyfriend told me he "doesn't like the idea of me being friends with him". I don't want to upset him or cause and arguments so I haven't spoken to my friend. I feel totally cut off from what was a good and honest friendship with someone that I could talk to openly.

Well, because you cut yourself off. Because you feared having to deal with BF having a cow. :(

So he has a cow. So what? You guys can learn to work through that, and both become more resilient. Learn to problem solve together and be stronger in that. Confidence is grown by doing, not by avoiding.

How will he ever learn non-cow having ways if he doesn't have a few practice cows first? How will you ever learn not to be conflict avoidant if you don't try some one and learn that it was not so bad and that you can handle yourself?

Or he does NOT have a cow. He just doesn't like it. So? He's allowed not to like things. Some people don't like chocolate. Don't like rap music. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't like a friend you have. Why do you fear being ok with him liking what he likes and not liking what he does not like?

Maybe I'm feeling restricted because my partner doesn't want me to talk to my friend (he never said I can't).

YOU are restricting you and not liking it. If you value communication and honesty, that has to include being honest with yourself. Do not blame your behavior choice (cutting off the friend) on your partner. He did not ask you to cut him off, and even if he did? You can decline to participate. Your choices belong to you.

He says he doesn't want anyone else, so why should I drag him through all this difficulty?

You ask for his willingness. INVITE, not drag.

He can make his own choices for how to answer your invitation. He can choose to respond thoughtfully rather than reactionary. RSVP with a graceful "No" if it is indeed "no."

If he's a reactionary type -- step back to examine why are you picking him to date if you do not like that communication style.

How do I bring it up without freaking out my boyfriend? Without him seeing me differently? Or maybe he should see me differently, because this is who I am? Is it worth the risk?

Could say what is on your mind clear and direct.

Since you value honesty and communication... do you want him to have a clear picture of who you are? Or a fake one? How do you paint a clear picture of who you are without communication?

Again, could answer to your higher values.

I always try to be upfront and honest.

Don't answer to fear.

Go ahead and have the conversations you need to be having here. The BF is either the right fit for you or he isn't. Let it be what it will be, but go into the conversation being your best self answering to your highest values.

Don't avoid the conversation.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Seems like there are two (three) issues you need to address with your boyfriend.

Poly is one of them, obviously. You could approach this by emphasizing that this is about you, and your need to express your true self. That it's not about him or the other guy, those are both coincidental to your inner thoughts & feelings about polyamory.

The other is this idea that your boyfriend believes he can choose your friends. Even if he didn't say "you're not allowed to be friends with this guy" it still comes across that way, to me at least.

There's a trust issue, too. He should trust that you can keep it in your pants and just be friends with someone who happens to be a former sexual partner. FWB is Friends first, With Benefits second. The friend had every opportunity to take advantage, try to get with you in a devious way, and instead he took the high road. You also chose honesty. So from the behaviour I've seen, there's no good reason not to trust you or your judgement.
 
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