Resume contact?

Advice or opinions, please.

The situation: I was a leg in a V, the relationship broke down after I became frustrated with his lack of interest in initiating contact with me. I stopped initiating contact and have heard nothing from him. It's been 6 weeks. I'd like to salvage some sort of friendship, and am still on good terms with the other leg of the V. I won't ask her to intervene for me, though.

Would I be a complete fool to initiate contact at this time?
 
If your only reason for wanting to contact him is to see whether you can be friends, I would say it might be worth a try *if* you feel like enough time has passed since the relationship ended. Six weeks is a decent amount of time, but when it comes to trying to be friends with an ex, calendar time is irrelevant; it's about how much you've healed and where your thoughts and feelings are at regarding that person. (As I recently learned the hard way.)

If he wasn't willing to initiate contact as your partner, he probably won't be as your friend either, so you might want to be mindful about that. If his lack of contact was a problem for you in the relationship, is it going to be a problem in a friendship with him?
 
Fool, no. Human, yes. But, I think it would be wiser to just let it die. If he hasn't attempted contact in 6 weeks, that's a fairly clear statement on how much of a priority you are to him. I think a better option is to cut your losses here, continue no contact, and look for relationships in which you are a valued priority. JMHO.
 
Fool, no. Human, yes. But, I think it would be wiser to just let it die. If he hasn't attempted contact in 6 weeks, that's a fairly clear statement on how much of a priority you are to him. I think a better option is to cut your losses here, continue no contact, and look for relationships in which you are a valued priority. JMHO.

I agree with this
 
Fool, no. Human, yes. But, I think it would be wiser to just let it die. If he hasn't attempted contact in 6 weeks, that's a fairly clear statement on how much of a priority you are to him. I think a better option is to cut your losses here, continue no contact, and look for relationships in which you are a valued priority. JMHO.

Me too.
 
Fool, no. Human, yes. But, I think it would be wiser to just let it die. If he hasn't attempted contact in 6 weeks, that's a fairly clear statement on how much of a priority you are to him. I think a better option is to cut your losses here, continue no contact, and look for relationships in which you are a valued priority. JMHO.

Painfully agreed. Good advice here. I understand the wish but ...
 
Yes, of course this seems the best and most logical course of action (or inaction, as the case may be) but that's me not trusting my own gut instinct and wanting confirmation. Thanks. It shall be left alone.
 
Yes, of course this seems the best and most logical course of action (or inaction, as the case may be)

I find inaction highly underrated. There is something powerful and expansive about just letting some situations be. The Beatles were really onto something: Let It Be.
 
Fool, no. Human, yes. But, I think it would be wiser to just let it die. If he hasn't attempted contact in 6 weeks, that's a fairly clear statement on how much of a priority you are to him. I think a better option is to cut your losses here, continue no contact, and look for relationships in which you are a valued priority. JMHO.


I wish i had this advice in my past, I was not happy the way a friendship ended, and after a few month's I resumed contact with her to be a non romantic friend. This worked for a while, but making a long story short, thing's broke down and now my wife is furious with her.
I should have let it be.
My own personal experience say's if there is no interest on his part, there is someone who is better deserving than him, if even only as just a casual friend.
 
Hey YankBird,

If you were going to contact this guy for the sake of salvaging a friendship, I would say okay but plan on always being the friend that does the contacting, because I'm pretty sure he's never going to initiate contact. For any reason.

Or if you contact him, just do it one time only and never again. And if he ever does contact you, or if you happen to run into him, I see nothing wrong with being friendly towards him. I just don't think you're obliged to reach out any more than he does. KWIM?

Kinda sorry he hasn't contacted you. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, I'm kinda sorry he hasn't contacted me, either.

The way things were left, it's definitely down to him to make the next move, as he felt that I put too much pressure on him to behave in a certain way. (So I don't even know why I was thinking I might contact him a few days ago! Looking for that elusive 'closure' maybe? ) Neither of us actually ever said, 'it's over' so I guess I was viewing it as a cooling-off period...but it's gone on for too long now.

If he does get in touch with me, I'm fine with it. I'd like to see what we can make of it.
 
If he does get in touch with me, I'm fine with it. I'd like to see what we can make of it.

See, I truly think you need to let go of the fantasy you have of something happening with him again. You seem a little too caught up in wishful thinking about him, instead of moving on with your life and looking ahead to new possibilities.

Whatever you do, if he does get in touch, don't jump at the chance to resume anything with him. You will only come across as desperate and needy, which could only serve to stir up his feeling pressured. I understand you were really into him and would be glad he got in touch but I think you should be more cautious about continuing any sort of relationship with him, even a friendship. You said the relationship broke down because you got frustrated with his lack of interest in initiating contact with you. Why do you think it will be any different?

You deserve more than what little crumbs someone will toss your way. Let go and make space in your life for someone who is excited to be with you and makes the effort to let you know that.
 
I agree. I think healthier thinking would be more like "he doesn't deserve my friendship after treating me that way, even if he did come back".
 
Ok, That came across as me sounding a bit more eager than I am. Although I would like to hear from him, I am feeling quite cautious, and am not about to jump at anything. I will admit that I have a difficult time letting go of things in general. I don't like that this feels unresolved to me, and I know that we don't always get closure, sometimes that's just the way it is, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

I am open to new possibilities...Things are developing with someone new, (who is quite keen on me) and I'm taking this slowly.
 
I will admit that I have a difficult time letting go of things in general. I don't like that this feels unresolved to me, and I know that we don't always get closure, sometimes that's just the way it is, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
I'm always perplexed when someone says they want "closure." It makes me wonder what closure should look like. I mean, if he called you up and said, "Oh, just so you know, the fact that I've been out of touch for over six weeks means I'm not interested anymore - got it?" would that make you feel better?

Think about it - what, exactly, is "unresolved?" I would think that, after you expressed disappointment in his behavior and he told you he felt pressured by you, to disappear and not be in touch for over six weeks is sending a clear message. What more do you need to know he's done? Are you hoping for an explanation of why he felt pressured, or a wish good luck? I don't know, and I don't mean to be facetious, but I think seeking closure is very, very overrated.

I am open to new possibilities...Things are developing with someone new, (who is quite keen on me) and I'm taking this slowly.
Good to hear! I hope it goes well!
 
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I'm always perplexed when someone says they want "closure." It makes me wonder what closure should look like. I mean, if he called you up and said, "Oh, just so you know, the fact that I've been out of touch for over six weeks means I'm not interested anymore - got it?" would that make you feel better?

I had a friend who dealt very, very poorly with a breakup. I ended up calling mutual friends over a FB message he sent me that sounded an awful lot like a "goodbye" message, because I was afraid he'd killed himself.

He wanted to know why. He was beside himself for months because he didn't have that closure.

He's better now, thankfully, but at the time it just seemed that he wanted closure so he could "fix" whatever was wrong. She didn't like the fact that he was hard to talk to and she had to yank a conversation out of him. I can only imagine that if she told him this, it'd have been an "I can change" type of bargaining point, when in fact, it would have just stretched out an already untenable relationship far further than it ever should have gone.

Are you a problem-solver, TYB? We always like to know why, so we can either fix the problem or fix something within ourselves that maybe didn't work well. The thing is, the issue may not be something that requires fixing, and there's probably nothing at all to do about it.

I'm glad you're looking forward to your new development, but I agree with the others - it's time to stop looking for closure and put that one behind you. Good luck with the new possibilities!
 
Think about it - what, exactly, is "unresolved?" I would think that, after you expressed disappointment in his behavior and he told you he felt pressured by you, to disappear and not be in touch for over six weeks is sending a clear message. What more do you need to know he's done? Are you hoping for an explanation of why he felt pressured, or a wish good luck? I don't know, and I don't mean to be facetious, but I think seeking closure is very, very overrated.

Unresolved is that he left it saying he'd like to see me again, but didn't know when, as he had to get some things accomplished first. Closure would have been if he'd said something like 'it's been nice knowing you, but this just isn't working. I wish you the best. Goodbye.' Or, 'I don't want to speak to you again.' Or, 'I'll be in touch when I return from holiday' --and then following through, even if to say 'I hope you're well, but I've moved on.' To just disappear, after making a suggestion that it's not actually over, is almost like ghosting, and it's a lousy thing to do.

I accept that it's over, but still stinging over the way he did it. When things were good, I found it hard to imagine that there would be a time we wouldn't get on, and thought it impossible there might be a time we wouldn't even be on speaking terms. These kind of things just harden one's heart, and make it that much more difficult to let the next person in.
 
There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for closure, especially the way it was left. I've been there. It's easy for people to say move on. It's harder when you don't know why.
 
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