Newbie in need of relationship advice

Katana

New member
I'm not even sure where to start. My relationship is on the verge of falling apart because of poly issues, and I'm unable to find support in my local community because we're a small community, and both of us know everyone.

Maybe here I can get some perspective? (Sorry that this post is longggg)

About me: For the past 15-16 years I have not been in committed relationships for the most part, so poly/mono wasn't a real issue. I did what I want with who I want, and moved on. At some point I realized that I really like women and that opened up a whole new world, and now I am in a committed relationship with a woman.

She told me that sexual exclusivity is not something she can do. I was familiar with poly people, and in terms of ideology I agree with it - I don't believe sex gives us "rights" to anyone else's bodies, or that one person should be able to fulfill all our sexual, emotional, and social needs. etc. etc. So fine.

But because this was new territory for me, and caused me some anxiety, this is what I asked for in terms of our poly (which *she* defined as sexual only, not having meaningful emotional relationships in tandem): That if she wants to be with someone, she run it by me to make sure I'm okay with it, while taking the time and effort to make sure I feel safe/secure in how things are happening. The idea being that I would alleviate my fears and anxiety, and things could progress to a more open practice, or alternatively - that I would realize soon enough that 40+ years of patriarchal conditioning is not something I can just toss aside, much as I would like to.

In practice - she went behind my back, and then told me about it afterwards. I felt incredibly betrayed. She insisted that what she did was fine and I'm trying to "own her pussy" while I actually didn't feel overtly threatened by the sex itself (which was a relief) but rather that she violated our contract. We made up, but that was a blow.

The next time, she told me in advance, I said okay. Only this was in the middle of a crisis between us in terms of OUR sexual relationship, and things were a bit wonky. We went to bed, and had a very deep conversation about things, including some of our trust issues, and I told her about some really abusive things that had happened to me in a previous relationship that was with someone ostensibly poly. At which point she shut me down and said some really hurtful things - because her assumption was that I was trying to prevent her from doing what she wants. We basically almost broke up that night, but made up, and discussed how we really need to work on trust. The next day she went ahead and slept with the guy. Now, I didn't feel that was in line with the crisis we had just had - I'm trying to get to a point where I trust her, and I felt my trust being chipped (or bludgeoned) away.

To make things worse, this guy she hooked up with was violent with her, and she went into crisis mode. She didn't tell me what happened - just took all her anger out on me for the next 3-4 weeks, which we barely survived. She was so abusive towards me during this time, throwing every accusation in the book, and I had no answers for her. I just wanted out. But when I realized she was in post trauma, I softened. But now I'm feeling a pattern - that my issues don't deserve attention, only hers do.

Her traumatic experience slowed her down for a while, and for nearly a year poly didn't come up as an issue in our relationship, which still remained rocky on the sexual front, while we were OTOH stronger and stronger in other areas.

A few days ago, after things were probably better than ever - she just blew up at me, and accused me of inhibiting her and forcing monogamy on her. So I understood that she met someone she wanted to have sex with, but instead of being straightforward, she started a fight. Then said that she had no choice because she can't just talk to me. This was the last straw to me, and I told her that I truly apologize if I'm the one inhibiting her in life, I didn't feel like that is what I'm doing, but I can't deny her feelings about it. And if she and I cannot handle something that is so important to her - I need to release her.

She doesnt' want to break up with me. I reached my last nerve here, because to me it's a matter of trust, not sex. She (in my view) is centering her own experience over anything I feel or think- and also over our supposed shared values and ideology. The guy she wants to be with is a mutual friend, and someone who has taken a leadership position in our feminist community. He is in a committed mono relationship, and this situation - where he is betraying his wife with whom he has never even discussed poly - is really difficult for me to swallow. I feel like I am being made complicit in hurting a woman from a man's infidelity, just because my GF decided that I should. Also, she is suddenly talking about him in terms of a relationship of sorts, while "assuring" me that I am her primary... but what about that part where I said I'm not really okay with parallel relationships?

We sort of made up, again - with the understanding that we really really need to do a "reset" and start working on trust. She came over the next day high as a kite (she smokes medical marijuana for Krohn's disease) which didn't promote our cause, and now I won't be seeing her all week, because she has prioritized getting together with this guy.

So - am I crazy? Is she untrustworthy? Am I fooling myself that I can do poly but in reality am actually throwing a wrench into her wheels? I honestly don't feel sexually possessive over the previous two experiences, but I don't feel okay with them in the context of the trust I feel necessary to do poly. I should probably add that at this point I have no desire to be with anyone else - after a long time of somewhat hyperactive sexuality, for the past couple of years I've been nearly asexual, or perhaps demi - I'm not lacking sexual interest entirely, I am attracted to my GF... but it's pretty low on my list of priorities, and the potential complexity of adding more partners is not something I care to deal with.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me if you read this far. I'm kind of desperate for people to talk to. This is the only significant relationship I've had in the past 20 years. Calling quits on it would be a life-changing event. OTOH, staying out of fear isn't smart or helpful for either of us.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I don't think she's a safe person for you to be with. Let me lift up some key phrases from your post so you can see them like a bullet list:

  • In practice - she went behind my back, and then told me about it afterwards. I felt incredibly betrayed.
  • The next time, she told me in advance, I said okay. Only this was in the middle of a crisis between us in terms of OUR sexual relationship, and things were a bit wonky.
  • I told her about some really abusive things that had happened to me in a previous relationship that was with someone ostensibly poly. At which point she shut me down and said some really hurtful things - because her assumption was that I was trying to prevent her from doing what she wants.
  • I'm trying to get to a point where I trust her, and I felt my trust being chipped (or bludgeoned) away.
  • this guy she hooked up with was violent with her, and she went into crisis mode. She didn't tell me what happened - just took all her anger out on me for the next 3-4 weeks, which we barely survived. She was so abusive towards me during this time, throwing every accusation in the book, and I had no answers for her. I just wanted out.
  • she just blew up at me, and accused me of inhibiting her and forcing monogamy on her. So I understood that she met someone she wanted to have sex with, but instead of being straightforward, she started a fight.
  • She (in my view) is centering her own experience over anything I feel or think- and also over our supposed shared values and ideology.
  • I feel like I am being made complicit in hurting a woman from a man's infidelity, just because my GF decided that I should.
  • I'm not really okay with parallel relationships
  • She came over the next day high as a kite (she smokes medical marijuana for Krohn's disease) which didn't promote our cause, and now I won't be seeing her all week, because she has prioritized getting together with this guy.

She treats you poorly, she does drama stuff... Me? I operate on "3 strikes, I am out of here" -- and I'm counting at least 10 strikes. I'd be long gone.

You are not me. You don't have to have the same number as me. But I hope you DO have a number for your limit of tolerance. And I hope it isn't like 100 times or 1000 times. You sound pretty fed up with her behavior already!

Now she's starting a cheating affair with community leader dude, and you want to break up with her over it. Sounds like a good reason to break up to me.

We sort of made up, again - with the understanding that we really really need to do a "reset" and start working on trust.

I don't think you need to work on trust. I think YOU need to work on breaking up and staying that way. After so many times of "resetting trust" and seeing that she does NOT follow through? If you stick around you can expect more of same. She will not follow through. So why bother?

I think you could be angry at being treated this poorly and decide to WALK AWAY. You could vote "no confidence in her actually changing" and just leave. No "reset " opportunity. She's used them up. I think you are best off moving on. Especially now that she is having a cheating affair with the community leader dude. YOU want to leave. So leave.

Don't get sucked back in. When you do that? All you teach her is that she can do whatever drama thing she wants, toss you some hugs and kisses to gloss over her behavior, and you pretty much will stay and put up with anything. Her behavior doesn't actually CHANGE.

So - am I crazy? Is she untrustworthy?

You are not crazy. She is not trustworthy.

Past experience with her has shown you that you cannot trust her to keep agreements, or to help provide stability in your shared relationship. She's into chaos/drama. And now she is engaging in a cheating affair that totally turns you off. You cannot trust her to treat you well.

So if you value keeping agreements, taking one's partner into consideration before acting, stability, and a two-way street relationship rather than it always being all about her? YOU could stick with your values and cut her loose because she's just not up to your standards for how you want to be treated.

Am I fooling myself that I can do poly but in reality am actually throwing a wrench into her wheels?

Hon, SHE cannot do ethical poly. If ethical poly is what YOU want to try, this is a poor partner to pick out to try it with. You could stop picking her out, and move on to choose better partners. Become willing to leave the ones just NOT up to your standards.

You are dealing with a drama partner who sounds selfish who is chipping away at your trust. It also sounds verbally abusive at times. I also wonder if she's blowing fog at you -- you seem confused and wondering if it is ok to leave yet. IT IS! :(

You seem to recognize that you staying there doesn't feel so good. She makes agreements with you in bad faith (just to prevent you from leaving) that she doesn't actually intend on keeping to make you staying worthwhile for YOU. She's not interested in your feelings or interesting in you staying being worthwhile for you. She's only seems interested in you staying being worthwhile for her -- so she can suck more out of you for HER benefit. Only interested in sucking you dry.

You seem to recognize that while change is hard, staying in this situation from fear of change is not good for you. I think you could be better off ending it with her, and being on your own for a little bit to heal since you don't want to be dating new people right now. Then when you are ready, you can try to poly with safe, healthy people.

I think because she's your first female relationship and because she's your first relationship that's lasted a while you are building it up in your mind bigger than it has to be. So she's your first in a few ways. But is she HEALTHY to be with? No. And I think deep down you know that. This isn't lasting because of great stuff she does. This is lasting this long because you haven't been leaving.

She's the second abusive partner you have had. Get rid of her faster than the first one, not slower. Just because she's not "as bad" as the first one doesn't mean she's great!

Please decide to treat yourself well, follow through and leave her for good. Then work on healing. That's my suggestion.

Please do not decide to treat yourself poorly and stick with this drama/chaos selfish partner that chips and bludgeons your trust away. Do not allow her to suck you back in only to keep sucking you dry.

You have dignity, worth, and value. Please treat yourself so even if she doesn't appreciate you. Hold your head high and walk out the door.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Wow - thank you for such an in-depth answer! I appreciate it a LOT.

I agree with most of what you said. I think maybe I'm being a *little* bit unfair in how I presented our relationship - we've been together for over two years, with a lot of really great stuff between us (also, I was with other women before, just not as seriously). She cares about me immensely, and would throw herself in front of a bus for me. She does a lot for me, and is not treating me like a backup.

It's this one area of managing her relationships with others that is totally explosive. In all other areas - she is generous, supportive, helpful, committed, and really wonderful. But as you said - for a few strikes now - her relationships with others have been destructive to me. I don't know if we did "reset" the other times. It was more like giving in to utter exhaustion until the next time.

Your response is helpful in giving me clarity, though. I need to think very carefully whether she is committed specifically to working on trust with me, rather than just committed to "being with" me. Right now I'm not feeling it.
 
Glad it helped some.

To me? 10 strikes in 2 years is too much drama. I am not up for a drama thing every 2 ish months.

She took a year "off" from being the victim of violence. (She didn't deserve that.) But since she was recuperating that year... is the actual drama average 1 every single month? Jeez.

I don't know if we did "reset" the other times. It was more like giving in to utter exhaustion until the next time.

So basically if she doesn't go behind your back, she grinds you down to get her way. She bullies you. How does that behavior jive with this statement?

She cares about me immensely, and would throw herself in front of a bus for me.

It doesn't. She may have been that way in the past, or maybe just SAID it. Like love bombing you to lure you in at first. And now that she's got you in her web, you begin to see more of the REAL her. I don't see much point in trying to figure that out right now. That's something to deal with once you are safely in the healing space.

Right now? It's enough reason to leave that she's treating you poorly in the PRESENT, and she has gotten herself into a cheating affair you want no part of. Stick to "actual behaviors" done or not done. Don't get all distracted with "feelings."

Bottom line is that you want to leave because she behaves poorly and you do not like it. So you could walk out the door and put some distance between you.

I advise against it, but if you are going to get back with her later? Make her show you the money. Change behavior FIRST, then maybe you consider dating her again. Not you go back to dating her and she doesn't bother to change. Just says whatever to suck you back in and once you are back? Pffft to following through on her promises. She doesn't keep her Word.

I need to think very carefully whether she is committed specifically to working on trust with me, rather than just committed to "being with" me. Right now I'm not feeling it.

In case this helps in your assessment of her behaviors...

Can you answer ‘yes’ to these questions?

  • I trust this person 100%
  • This person respects me totally without a doubt
  • This person always honest and I feel completely safe to be honest with her
  • She definitely respects my privacy
  • I feel totally free to be myself round her anywhere anytime
  • I adamantly feel safe with her – always

You can find the original article here. It is written for men-women couplings, but it's the same thing for women-women. Just change the pronouns like I did above.

Along with the big list. You could print and highlight behaviors you experience with her.

Don't make excuses for her behaviors.

Don't think some "good behavior" cancels out the "bad" behavior. It doesn't.

NOT DOING bad behaviors in the first place is what counts.

If you end up with a lot of behaviors highlighted, you may have to accept that this is just not a healthy person to be with.

As much as you want the poor behavior to stop, you cannot control her behavior. She does. All you control is your behavior, which includes your "staying" behavior.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Katana,

I don't think you're crazy, and I don't think your partner is trustworthy. It is not you throwing a wrench into her wheels, she is throwing a wrench into her own wheels.

You mentioned doing a reset, so you could start working on trust. What would this reset consist of? Has she been doing the reset (with you), or has she just continued with business as usual?

It's up to you what you do, but that is my perspective on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin

Sorry it took me a while to answer, I kind of stopped all kinds of activities while I regrouped, but I really do appreciate you responding to me.

My GF has proven she has issues that make it difficult-to-impossible to trust her. That is a given. At this point, she has ended her other connections (not because I asked her to or made her, actually she kind of crashed and burned there...) and we are concentrating on us. I don't know where that will lead - I was serious about her also being very committed to me, and doing a lot of really great things for me, this isn't stockholm syndrome or anything. So right now, we are planning on doing the work to re-establish trust, and boundaries, and what we need to conduct a non-injurious relationship. I don't know how it will go (we're still in the aftermath of things falling apart) but I want to be optimistic. I'm not giving up on the process of breaking down the ways she harmed me/made irresponsible decisions, which include a lot of things that happened within this other relationship as well, so whether it's over or not, she needs to take responsibility for her choices.

It really helped to have somewhere to talk about it.
Wish me luck :)
 
Wow! So much drama. You guys have no communication skills and it sounds like your life goals do not mesh. To answer your question: no, it doesn't appear that you can do poly. Just because this is the only significant relationship you've had in 20 years doesn't mean it's healthy.
 
Hi Katana,

I am glad to hear that things are looking up a little, and just wish you the best going forward. Maybe your girlfriend has learned some lessons, let's hope so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I dated a guy with the first issue and my daughter has the other. Sounds familiar, could be either.
 
Back
Top