Needs not being met

I want to keep meeting new people. Men and women. Sex could be a possibility but not necessary. After discussing this with my husband and bf, husband is totally fine with it but bf isn't.

I feel like I'm not getting needs met but not sure how to discuss it bc bf has emotional issues and feels useless if he feels like I need more than what I already have.

Any insight?
 
I've experienced similar things with the men I've been involved with to one degree or another. I think that my boyfriend would strongly prefer if Fire (other lady in our quad) and I would declare ourselves satisfied and fidelitous to just the quad...but neither of us wish to do that, we have needs that are best met with others in one fashion or another.

I know that in my case, both Analyst and Hefe have tried to step up and meet my masochistic needs, but with neither of them being truly Sadists deep down, it lacks something...which is why I have, and need, Zen.

The only way I could find to explain it to them is that I love them dearly for WHO THEY ARE. I do not want them to work to change who they are, to square-peg-round-hole and fit my needs. That, to me, one of the biggest points of being poly is to take the pressure off of me and my partners to be all the things that we each need. My analogy that I adore my cat, but I also like snakes, and I have thought about getting one. If I had the power to turn my cat into a snake because I also like them, I then would no longer have my cat and I would miss him. I don't want my loves to change and try to become something else...I love them for their own True Selves.
 
bf has emotional issues and feels useless if he feels like I need more than what I already have.

Any insight?

there is some personal responsibility to make sure your relationships are healthy and happy - but that responsibility is with both partners. I would warn that not addressing his inability to self validate will eventually - if not already - harbor resentment for your inability to persue other relationships freely. Authenticity is huge - if you can't authentically be yourself in any relationship, what's the point?

Where do you think his insecurities stem from? Fear of losing you to someone better? Jealousy?
 
I feel like I'm not getting needs met but not sure how to discuss it bc bf has emotional issues and feels useless if he feels like I need more than what I already have.

I am going to repeat that back in my own words to see if I got it how you mean it. Correct me if I got it wrong, ok?

I feel like I'm not getting my needs met with BF. (What needs are not being met with the (you+ BF) relationship?)

I am not sure how to discuss it. (What blocks clear communication?)

  • BF has emotional issues. (Like what? )
  • BF feel useless if he thinks I need more than BF and Husband as dating partners. (Is this jealousy? Or saturation point?)
If it is jealousy could these help you and BF some?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Making_Peace_with_jealousy_PPT.pdf

If it is that he's saturated in 3 people network and you want larger network? It's not jealousy but rather his saturation point is smaller than yours? You may have to end it with him so he can move on to be in a small network that stays small. And you can move on to expand yours.

Or you stay with him and give up being in a larger network.

Those are the choices I can see so far.

Galagirl
 
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there is some personal responsibility to make sure your relationships are healthy and happy - but that responsibility is with both partners. I would warn that not addressing his inability to self validate will eventually - if not already - harbor resentment for your inability to persue other relationships freely. Authenticity is huge - if you can't authentically be yourself in any relationship, what's the point?

Where do you think his insecurities stem from? Fear of losing you to someone better? Jealousy?

To address both this and GalaGirl's comment, my assumption (and yes, I know what they say about those!) was that OP's BF was basically feeling bummed in that "why am I not adequate to meet your needs?" way...that sort of baseline mono-programming so many are subject to where it's hard to understand why someone might need more than what they've already got in the partner(s) they have.

That was what drove both my Analyst and Hefe to try and Top/Dom me when I said that I needed only one more thing and that was a Sadist to satisfy my masochistic needs...and while they did the things, and did them fine, sometimes impressively well even, enjoying causing me pain just wasn't in their nature. And so the energy flow (or whatever) just wasn't there in it.

I had to find ways to validate both of them, that I didn't want them to feel that "I'm not enough" feeling...I reinforced that they are both highly treasured for who and what they ARE, not lacking for what they AREN'T, merely because I wish to seek that kind of thing elsewhere.

So of course in the manner of projecting, which I'm often guilty of, I thought that perhaps OP's boyfriend was feeling similarly inadequate because she still has unmet needs and wishes to seek fulfillment with another, or others. I'd like very much to hear her take on it though. It's definitely one of those situations that calls for a bit of "unbundling"...
 
I've experienced similar things with the men I've been involved with to one degree or another. I think that my boyfriend would strongly prefer if Fire (other lady in our quad) and I would declare ourselves satisfied and fidelitous to just the quad...but neither of us wish to do that, we have needs that are best met with others in one fashion or another.

I know that in my case, both Analyst and Hefe have tried to step up and meet my masochistic needs, but with neither of them being truly Sadists deep down, it lacks something...which is why I have, and need, Zen.

The only way I could find to explain it to them is that I love them dearly for WHO THEY ARE. I do not want them to work to change who they are, to square-peg-round-hole and fit my needs. That, to me, one of the biggest points of being poly is to take the pressure off of me and my partners to be all the things that we each need. My analogy that I adore my cat, but I also like snakes, and I have thought about getting one. If I had the power to turn my cat into a snake because I also like them, I then would no longer have my cat and I would miss him. I don't want my loves to change and try to become something else...I love them for their own True Selves.

I love the way you worded this and using the comparison!
 
there is some personal responsibility to make sure your relationships are healthy and happy - but that responsibility is with both partners. I would warn that not addressing his inability to self validate will eventually - if not already - harbor resentment for your inability to persue other relationships freely. Authenticity is huge - if you can't authentically be yourself in any relationship, what's the point?

Where do you think his insecurities stem from? Fear of losing you to someone better? Jealousy?


I am already harboring resentment with this, there is a guy I am interested in and I really want to persue it but I really don't want him in a depression or to feel worthless. He is most definitely jealous. It scares him too because he says he had never felt jealousy in his life before me. But he has also never had a relationship as loving as ours either. He has been cheated on and emotionally abused in all other relationships.
 
I am going to repeat that back in my own words to see if I got it how you mean it. Correct me if I got it wrong, ok?

I feel like I'm not getting my needs met with BF. (What needs are not being met with the (you+ BF) relationship?)

I am not sure how to discuss it. (What blocks clear communication?)

  • BF has emotional issues. (Like what? )
  • BF feel useless if he thinks I need more than BF and Husband as dating partners. (Is this jealousy? Or saturation point?)
If it is jealousy could these help you and BF some?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Making_Peace_with_jealousy_PPT.pdf

If it is that he's saturated in 3 people network and you want larger network? It's not jealousy but rather his saturation point is smaller than yours? You may have to end it with him so he can move on to be in a small network that stays small. And you can move on to expand yours.

Or you stay with him and give up being in a larger network.

Those are the choices I can see so far.

Galagirl


Needs like things in the bedroom that he isn't comfortable doing, going to places he doesn't enjoy (that I do), etc. Things I really want to do that are a major boundary for him.

Communication isn't one of his strong traits, it's understandable to me because he has a type of autism that make communication difficult. He's working on it but it exhausts him to talk about things that bother him.

I simply cannot end a relationship with him. He gives me so much in our relationship and me to him. But I still feel like there is a gap that needs filling.
 
To address both this and GalaGirl's comment, my assumption (and yes, I know what they say about those!) was that OP's BF was basically feeling bummed in that "why am I not adequate to meet your needs?" way...that sort of baseline mono-programming so many are subject to where it's hard to understand why someone might need more than what they've already got in the partner(s) they have.

That was what drove both my Analyst and Hefe to try and Top/Dom me when I said that I needed only one more thing and that was a Sadist to satisfy my masochistic needs...and while they did the things, and did them fine, sometimes impressively well even, enjoying causing me pain just wasn't in their nature. And so the energy flow (or whatever) just wasn't there in it.

I had to find ways to validate both of them, that I didn't want them to feel that "I'm not enough" feeling...I reinforced that they are both highly treasured for who and what they ARE, not lacking for what they AREN'T, merely because I wish to seek that kind of thing elsewhere.

So of course in the manner of projecting, which I'm often guilty of, I thought that perhaps OP's boyfriend was feeling similarly inadequate because she still has unmet needs and wishes to seek fulfillment with another, or others. I'd like very much to hear her take on it though. It's definitely one of those situations that calls for a bit of "unbundling"...

Exactly, I have fetishes that I really love and can't get those fulfilled from him because it's a major boundary for him. I have asked many times and he says absolutely not. Also, I love hiking and he simply can't keep up. There are others but that's the base of it. And most of the fetishes I have don't need sex involved so I don't necessarily need a sexual relationship.
 
I really don't want him in a depression or to feel worthless. He is most definitely jealous. It scares him too because he says he had never felt jealousy in his life before me.

Those are his feelings to manage. I get where you don't want him to feel upsetting emotions, but in the end? He copes with his feelings. You cannot do his emotional management for him.

I think if you leave all the feelings out of it? Then it sounds like it boils down to you having some interests that you want to share with a partner. (Kink, hiking, etc)

BF's not the partner to share that stuff with. Which is fine, he doesn't have to be into everything you are. You could date someone else who likes those things. You actually have a guy in mind you want to pursue.

BF seems ok with the Closed "V" -- but he doesn't want it to be "Open network" where you date others.

So the options you have control over are still....

  • You try to renegotiate agreements with BF and he accepts so you can move on to date others.
  • You break up with BF (even though you don't want to) in order to be free of these old agreements so you can pursue without cheating on agreements.
  • You do not pursue. You stay with BF. Agreements stay the same. You live with the status quo even though it's not fulfilling and you already feel resentments.

Other than reading

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

together and asking him if he's willing to change core beliefs I don't see what else you can do but be honest. He seems to believe he's not enough for you. Well, basically he isn't.

I want to keep meeting new people. Men and women. Sex could be a possibility but not necessary.

If you want to keep meeting new people, he cannot turn himself into a variety of new people. He can be great and wonderful, but he is ONE person. Limit of the Universe. He can only be one person, he cannot turn himself into lots.

I'm sorry. It's a tough spot to be in. :(

I think when you talk to him you could be as up front and honest as possible. Don't NOT speak your truth because you worry about his coping ability. Let his coping with his feelings be his job. You telling him where you are at? That is your job. He's not a mind reader.

If you feel resentful and want to pursue? You no longer can keep the agreement? Be fair. Tell him you can no longer keep that Closed agreement. You would like opportunity to renegotiate agreements. If he is not willing to renegotiate? Then tell him you wish to be released from the agreement and are letting it go. That's the respectful thing to do.

Hopefully he can see that you are treating him well, you are NOT cheating on him, and you are not abusing him. You simply are stating where you are at and trying to work things out with him.

What the outcome is remains to be seen, but you seem to be trying to go into it with good faith. You aren't trying to be mean or anything.

Galagirl
 
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I assume that your boyfriend knew you are married and have a husband when he first got involved with you. I assume he accepts that you approach relationships polyamorously.

Now my question is, has he ever asked you to be poly-fi with only you and your husband and, if so, is that something you agreed to? If not, it certainly isn't at all fair of him to have a hissy fit about you wanting additional lovers or coercing you not to pursue anyone else. Without an agreement in place to not take on any more lovers, he does not have a basis to stand on. All he can do is work through his own issues about it -- but no matter how much he dislikes it, he has no right to limit you. If he entered the relationship okay with polyamory, and therefore okay with you being who you are, that means that now he's being a hypocrite.

I don't think there is anything you can do to make him feel better. All you can do is gently, lovingly inform him that you are going to pursue this other person and see if you might possibly start another relationship with them, because this is something you need to do in order to live your life as you see fit, and it is not a reflection of anything to do with him or your feelings for him. Then tell him that you will be as kind as you possibly can be to support him as he handles his own shit, but you won't put your life in hold for him, and hope that he can at least accept that this is your path.
 
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He was well aware of me being married before we ever met. And he understood what he was getting into. He said he was poly also but told me he didn't want to persue any other person, that I was everything he had been looking for. I never told him that he and my husband would be the only ones I want to be with. In the beginning, there was an agreement between hubby and I that we'd have one other partner besides each other but that was over 2 years ago and things have shifted since then.
 
Hi Daddysboogerbaby,

I must with regrets say that I don't know what words you could say to your boyfriend to convince him to change his mind about you meeting new people. Did he ever say in the past that he only wanted you to be seeing two people at the most? Maybe this was a limit for him that was subconscious until now.

I guess you have four options basically ...

  • Break up with him.
  • Don't see anyone new and stay with him.
  • Don't see anyone new but keep trying to convince him.
  • Go ahead and see new people and if he wants to break up with you he can.
I think you have to figure out how important it is to you to meet new people, versus how important your relationship with your boyfriend is to you. Can he work on his insecurities? Would a counselor help?

Sorry he's not being more receptive.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He has a right to his own insecurities. He has a right to ask you to help calm his anxieties; he even has a right to ask you to compromise in order to not trigger his insecurities.

He DOES NOT have a right to expect you to do things his way.

I mean, it's nice that he seems to be happy in a vee, a situation where so many men quickly get competetive.

And my impression is that your bf "is what he is," & maybe he needs a little more assurance that his role is unique & important to you, & all he's really going to "give up" is a little you-time. If that's accurate, then you need to tell him so... if it's NOT, then you need to tell him so.

And if you're not willing to compromise your new-found freedom, & he's not willing to grow a bit too, then it's HIS choice to quit.
 
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