Poly after being cheate)d on...(long post

Rainy

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Poly after being cheated on...(long post)

Sorry this is a long post. If you get through my post please be honest. Thanks.

My husband and I married young (I was 21 and he was 28). Almost 5 years ago, my husband cheated on me 3 times. We worked through our problems and since that time, my husband remained faithful (at his insistence, we moved closer to his work, he brings me on his business trip, introduced me to people he know, etc. When he isn’t at work, he is at home…we basically are together when he isn’t at work. There are times when I try to get him to go out with some of his colleagues or his friends for drinks or even a game of soccer but he still comes straight home from work).

However, from the time I found out he cheated on me until now, something been nagging at me. When I found out my husband cheated, I wasn’t jealous. In fact, I realized I had NO problem with him sleeping with other women. It was the lying and going behind my back that deeply hurt me.

When we were patching up our relationship, I knew about open marriage and polygamy/polygyny. I point blank told him if he wanted to see other people, he should have spoken to me about it and we could have worked something out. I further told him that I wasn’t his mother but his wife. I didn't marry him to dictate what he should or shouldn't do about everything. What he does with his body is his business but he should understand there are consequences to his actions (I didn’t clarify what I met by this and I think he assumed I was leaning towards a divorce which never crossed my mind).

We briefly chatted some more (he told me about the women he slept with, etc.) We tried, very briefly, to have an open marriage (allowing him to find and be with other women) but we had no clue what the hell we were doing. He told me he didn’t want to lose me (he also said he didn't want me to be with other men) so that ended the conversation and we have remained monogamous.

Since that time we never spoken about open marriage or anything. He says he is happy with our marriage and we went on to have one child together (lately he’s been asking to have another child).

He has never pressured me into anything. I don’t believe he has or would ever cheat on me again. However, I never stopped researching about different relationships. I know being poly isn't perfect and has its pros and cons but I don’t want him to feel he has to be monogamous because he might lose me and our son through divorce.

The thing is I am not sure how to bring the subject up since he has never expressed the need or want to sleep with other women since his affairs (5 years ago). I am unsure if I should bring it up at all or just let it go.
 
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This is all about him. Is there a certain wish, you want to realize? You can not change his needs or wants. If he does not have any desire in that regard, everything is fine, als long as you do not want other things out of your realtionship right now.
 
I know being poly isn't perfect and has its pros and cons but I don’t want him to feel he has to be monogamous because he might lose me and our son through divorce. The thing is I am not sure how to bring the subject up since he has never expressed the need or want to sleep with other women since his affairs (5 years ago). I am unsure if I should bring it up at all or just let it go.

What does that mean? Could you be willing to clarify? What do you want to solve with polyamory?
I am going to guess. I might guess wrong. You correct me, ok?

Does it mean...

"I want to reassure him I am not thinking about divorce. Poly would show him that. "​

or

"I want the ability to date other people without breaking agreements. Changing our agreements to poly solves that."​

or

"I think HE wants to date other people. I don't want him to cheat again. Changing our agreements to poly solves that. "​

or

"He's super strict with himself -- he goes to work or he's here with me. Doesn't go out with friends, takes me on business trips. Like he doesn't trust himself not to cheat so he's gone super duper mono. I feel suffocated by that behavior. Too much "togetherness." Changing to poly agreements solves that. Because then I can be free of this suffocating behavior. He will be busier poly-dating."​

Is it some combo of the above or something else entirely? :confused:

I cannot quite tell what you are after.

What would you like to have happen in an ideal situation?

Ultimately I think you could tell him what is going on with you and what is on your mind. But before you tell him, you could first finish sorting out what the request is in your head so it comes out well articulated.

If he isn't expressing a desire to date other people and you wonder if he has one? ASK him. "Do you want to see other people? If you ever did, could I expect you to come talk to me about Opening the marriage first?"

I almost get the vibe that you would be ok with Closed marriage if he would chill out and go out with friends sometimes and give you some more space. But if that is the case, then I think you could ask him something like

"Hon, are you doing ok? I notice you want me to be with you a lot. I love you and I want to be with you, but this is a lot of togetherness. I cannot be your whole social world.

I also need to be on my own or with my friends sometimes too. You cannot be my whole social world. I am concerned we are getting too cooped up."

Galagirl
 
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Hi Rainy,

You said that when you had an open marriage, your husband didn't want you to be with other men. Was this a problem for you? Would it be a problem in the future if you talked to him about poly? What if he says, "We can be poly, but only if you don't see any other men." Would that be a problem and if so, what would you do about it?

I hope we can be of help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Rainy, I have friends who are recovering addicts (AA, NA, GA). Thay all have sponsors to whom they can turn when they feel those old thoughts & desires & behaviors creeping up on them.

You are not your husband's sponsor. He has made you more of his fulltime parole officer.

Is that a job you wanted?

Is that a position you enjoy?
 
living it

Sorry this is a long post. If you get through my post please be honest. Thanks.

My husband and I married young (I was 21 and he was 28). Almost 5 years ago, my husband cheated on me 3 times. We worked through our problems and since that time, my husband remained faithful (at his insistence, we moved closer to his work, he brings me on his business trip, introduced me to people he know, etc. When he isn’t at work, he is at home…we basically are together when he isn’t at work. There are times when I try to get him to go out with some of his colleagues or his friends for drinks or even a game of soccer but he still comes straight home from work).

However, from the time I found out he cheated on me until now, something been nagging at me. When I found out my husband cheated, I wasn’t jealous. In fact, I realized I had NO problem with him sleeping with other women. It was the lying and going behind my back that deeply hurt me.

When we were patching up our relationship, I knew about open marriage and polygamy/polygyny. I point blank told him if he wanted to see other people, he should have spoken to me about it and we could have worked something out. I further told him that I wasn’t his mother but his wife. I didn't marry him to dictate what he should or shouldn't do about everything. What he does with his body is his business but he should understand there are consequences to his actions (I didn’t clarify what I met by this and I think he assumed I was leaning towards a divorce which never crossed my mind).

We briefly chatted some more (he told me about the women he slept with, etc.) We tried, very briefly, to have an open marriage (allowing him to find and be with other women) but we had no clue what the hell we were doing. He told me he didn’t want to lose me (he also said he didn't want me to be with other men) so that ended the conversation and we have remained monogamous.

Since that time we never spoken about open marriage or anything. He says he is happy with our marriage and we went on to have one child together (lately he’s been asking to have another child).

He has never pressured me into anything. I don’t believe he has or would ever cheat on me again. However, I never stopped researching about different relationships. I know being poly isn't perfect and has its pros and cons but I don’t want him to feel he has to be monogamous because he might lose me and our son through divorce.

The thing is I am not sure how to bring the subject up since he has never expressed the need or want to sleep with other women since his affairs (5 years ago). I am unsure if I should bring it up at all or just let it go.

i just wanted to say that you are not alone in what you have been through, i have no answers for you as i am living this nightmare as we speak, my husband has had numerous affairs as well, i too made it very clear to him i would not be opposed to another woman in OUR marriage, as i am bisexual, before my husband i was in a long relationship with a woman, she and i are still friends to this day and our relationship just grew in separate directions, shortly after sarah and i "broke"up i met Robert, and we were married a year later, that was 15 years ago, unfortunately 12 out of those 15 years my husband has been unfaithful, cheating and deceiving me, every time he was "caught" i would say the same thing, " the lies are what hurts and for no good reason. Robert and i had agreed before we were married , that the possibility of another woman in our marriage with both of us was something we both would welcome, as another partner with us. my husband and i are now separated, by my choice as i simply cannot live with the deception, and i hated what it was doing to me, not just the hurt but i could see myself getting more and more bitter, something that i thought could be an exciting and wonderful life experience was sullied by all the lies, and i have no interest in casual sex, if we met someone and all of us were on the same page, and attraction and life goals, i wanted that person to come into our marriage as another partner, sharing our lives in a committed relationship. and i thought that was what my husband wanted as well, because he said that was his goal as well. but then he would go out and do the exact opposite, after 5 or maybe 6 affairs, i had to take off the blinders and see our marriage for what it really is, rather than what i hoped it would be, so there you have it, i hope your story ends up better than mine, because i do believe the right people who are honest and loving can have that relationship, , good luck to you
 
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