Male in FFM Poly Triad needs help with insecure fiance

Narball

New member
Hello there. I've been with my fiance, Dani, for 3 years now, we've got plans to get married, probably next year sometime. I'll admit that our relationship has been rocky as of late, largely because of her debilitating chronic illness (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and our perpetual financial wreckage that we're in... I am working full time during the week, serving in the army reserves one weekend a month, and donating plasma for money twice a week, as well as selling whatever random stuff we have that has any value, to try to keep everything together and it's very difficult and stressful. Anyway, that's some background... We met Rae (girlfriend) about two months ago when we had started exploring the idea of swinging... shortly after that we ended up dating her and then entering the triad relationship and decided swinging wasn't really what we were looking for. What bothers me and is a problem that we're having... Dani is feeling insecure and doesn't want Rae and I to spend any time alone together. Rae and I both feel like that's not really fair, because I work 9 hours a day from Monday through Friday and Dani is spending all that time alone with Rae, and has informed me that they do spend a lot of that time alone together having sex. It just seems a little... skewed. I don't know how to push the issue without freaking her out... I'm not going to leave her for Rae, we're not running away together and leaving her behind. We both love Dani too. But my relationship with Rae is going to end up strained if we don't get to spend some time together... I don't know how to deal with it. Dani starts therapy next Tuesday and I start therapy next Thursday, Rae is actively seeking employment and also has insurance so will likely be trying to get into a therapist herself soon. I'm going to talk to my therapist about the possibility of us having group sessions as well. Thanks for any advice you might have.

--Nate
 
I think therapy will good for you all. That sounds like a mess. I haven't been there, so I don't have any solid, experience-based advice, but I would definitely say sit down with both of them and talk about why she doesn't want yall spending any alone time together. Addressing her concerns will help get to the root of the problem and you can go from there.
 
Hi Nate,

Dani seems to have some jealousy/insecurity surrounding your relationship with Rae. It is not okay for her to forbid you and Rae to have your private dyad time. Dani needs to be told this, at the risk of freaking her out.

It should help for the three of you to get some therapy, hopefully with poly-friendly therapists. If they have an open mind, you can ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

Keep us updated on your situation, and we'll continue to provide feedback.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Have a glance at Faulty Assumption #3.

Rae needs to get her own place.

You maybe should commit to Dani until she finally gets things underway -- or makes clear that she won't/can't.

You & Dani need couples therapy, & (IMO) you shouldn't waste time hunting up a counselor who's "pro-poly" AND readily accessible AND not booked solid AND in your price range (all excuses that've become very popular for getting around to seeking professional advice).
 
Have a glance at Faulty Assumption #3.

Rae needs to get her own place.

You maybe should commit to Dani until she finally gets things underway -- or makes clear that she won't/can't.

You & Dani need couples therapy, & (IMO) you shouldn't waste time hunting up a counselor who's "pro-poly" AND readily accessible AND not booked solid AND in your price range (all excuses that've become very popular for getting around to seeking professional advice).

Thanks. I looked at the post you mentioned and I am aware of some of the things mentioned... and I know we're guilty of saying a few of them. I am actively trying to move us away from using any kind of couples privilege because I want Rae to feel like an equal primary partner in the triad, not a secondary to our primary relationship as a couple. Dani had her first appointment with therapy yesterday, and her therapist said I can definitely attend appointments with her to give us some opportunity to talk as a couple with a professional. I have my first appointment tomorrow after work, and I am going to inquire about whether or not they understand poly relationships and feel qualified to give group therapy, and if they'd be willing to for us. This is through the veteran's center because I am a veteran of the war in Afghanistan. So I have access to free therapy, almost no matter where I go. I'll keep updating as I have more to update on.
 
Are we positive that Dani can handle you having another partner? She might be ok with her having another partner but be too insecure to handle you doing it.
 
Are we positive that Dani can handle you having another partner? She might be ok with her having another partner but be too insecure to handle you doing it.

I would hope so, considering it was her idea originally. I would have never even considered it a few years ago. I've had to grow as a person and learn how to open myself up to possibility more. Dani's been in poly relationships before this one, so I imagine she can handle it. It's too late to just dump Rae now, I won't do that to her. We've got a person to invest their emotions in us now, and I won't just hurt her because Dani is struggling with her own insecurities. I think Dani understands this and that's why it's going to be important for us all to continue going to therapy.
 
Young man, you are welcome to bullshit me, but really, life is FAR too short to start eating it yourself.

IMNSHO, you are heading toward a massive trainwreck. Saying that, you are now doing so with intent. You are intentionally colouring the situation in order to justify that you are happily inches from dumping the reticent, difficult, insecure Dani in favor of the less-problematic Rae, suggesting that Dani has good reason for trying to rein you in. Let's take up a few points.
We've got a person to invest their emotions in us now, and I won't just hurt her because Dani is struggling with her own insecurities.
It's too late to just dump Rae now, I won't do that to her.
Yah, you've put so MUCH time into it... oh, wait:
We met Rae (girlfriend) about two months ago
Well, anyway, good thing the three of you are in a moderately stable situation, right? Oh, wait:
our relationship has been rocky as of late
her debilitating chronic illness
our perpetual financial wreckage
donating plasma for money twice a week, as well as selling whatever random stuff we have that has any value, to try to keep everything together
Whatever, heck, at least Rae can help you two out while you get past these short-term glitches. Oh, wait:
Rae is actively seeking employment
Hmm. Good thing you are so supportive of your FIANCEE's needless insecurities -- not like you expect her to bow to your whims or anything. Oh, wait:
Dani's been in poly relationships before this one, so I imagine she can handle it.
I think Dani understands this and that's why it's going to be important for us all to continue going to therapy.
You are certainly doing a lot of thinking & imagining.

One way or the other, you need to grow a pair -- proverbially or otherwise. Either commit to Dani & to fix this crap, or dump her & move on to the shiny new toy. Don't be a weed.
 
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I disagree with Ravenscroft on only one point: you don't have to date either woman. You could try being single and figuring your own crap out for a while. Put that option on the table, and give serious thought to its many upsides.
 
Yeah, thanks for all that. Appreciate the support.
 
Hi, Narball,

I know that you're suffering, but I don't see your problem as such an unholy mess as some other members seem to. Compared to some of the threads I've been on recently, e.g.

a) An OP who was constantly switching from poly to mono and back again at HIS whim; was (is) in denial about the extent to which he was manipulating his primary partner (who'd been going into "convulsion modes" brought on by his behaviour viz. saying that he needed their relationship to go back to being mono when she had found somebody else, but announcing that they were back to poly as soon as he got the hots for another woman... and then back to mono when that didn't work out for him); and can't fathom why his partner dumped him (after all the "sacrifices" he'd made).

b) An OP with serious health problems, who writes that she wants to continue with poly (she's new to it, and it was her husband's idea, which freaked her out at first), but it's aggravating those health problems in a dangerous way. (Probably husband and new shared gf are going too fast for her).

c) A man and his wife who don't even talk to each other... but still live together.

... you're not doing all that badly.

All 3 of you seem to be in favour of continuing the triad. The problem is one of [un]fairness. Your fiancé has relatively unlimited access to the new gf and is having a lot of 1-on-1 sex with her, but doesn't want to give you the same freedom, even though you couldn't possibly spend as much time with the gf as your wife does.

Jealousy, jealousy...

And there are 2 kinds of jealousy that are possible here. It's also possible that both are working at the same time:

1) Your girlfriend doesn't want her to have free (unsupervised/unshared-with-fiancé) time with you. She wants you all to herself or in a 3-some. (Jealousy + fear of the future, not wanting to be locked out from her long-term love / not wanting to be demoted from "I'm everything to him".)

2) Your girlfriend doesn't want you to have free (unsupervised/unshared-with-fiancé) time with the gf. She wants the gf all to herself or in a 3-some. (Jealousy + NRE, not wanting to be locked out from her new love.)

Jealousy's bad enough, but when it's mixed in with this double standard it's even worse. Since you're going (separately - and hopefully soon together) to therapy, this double standard can be dealt with there. It would be good to have an experienced, unbiased person helping you to deal with this.

Other questions to be dealt with:

i) How does Rae feel about all this? You haven't made that clear. Maybe she prefers to have a 1-on-1 with Dani and wants you ONLY in a 3-some. There are no hints to this in your post, but that possibility should be mentioned.

ii) If that isn't the case, would Dani accept the idea: No 1-on-1: If R+N aren't allowed, then maybe R+D shouldn't. And if you want a 3-way equality (a bit ambitious this early in the game), no more D+N. the only combination allowed is R+D+N. I'm not seriously suggesting that as a viable solution: I'm suggesting asking Dani how she would FEEL about that idea. It might help her to put things into perspective.
 
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Of course, Dani probably doesn't see it like that. I imagine that her thoughts go like this:

I love Narball and want to spend as much time with him as possible. Unfortunately, he works 45 hours a week, and has only 3 weekends per month free. That's not too much time for me to be with him. Why does he want to cut it even shorter?!

I love Rae. She's moved into both of our hearts so well. And she's so much fun to be with! As long as I can't be with Narball, at least I can be with Rae.

Look, I'd much rather be with BOTH of them at 11am on a Wednesday. But Narball`s at work then, so I can only be with Rae.

+++​

It's important for ALL parties to try to understand the POV of the others. To try to "walk two moons in their moccassins".
 
How did therapy go? Are your significant others doing any independent reading on ethical non-monogamy?

It is understandable that in your stressed out circumstances the assessments advice you have gotten here seem too negative. The thing is, circumstances that include regularly selling plasma to make ends meet are not good. Having two people dependent on you doing so is worse. That the people involved are not cooperating well emotionally does not help.

Mostly what people are seeing is someone who was in a bad situation and has made it harder on himself by adding another person to the mix without enough serious consideration. If Rae can swiftly get a job and help financially, that would improve things. If therapy can get you all on the same page about logistics and emotions, that would also improve things. You all need to get the strain off so you can deal with the basics of healthy survival. Relationship strain is the least necessary for survival and the most expendable.

Leetah
 
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