I like who I become when I date others, my wife? Not so much.

Do you ever think to yourself that the more experiences you have, the different kinds of people you date the more you change? In this case I like the way I have become and I'm aware other experiences can change me in ways I don't like. I hear myself being far more direct, assertive and dominant to assure that whatever path I take is one I want. I want freedom, I want truth, I want openness, confidence and new experiences. I’m also kind, empathetic and I WANT to give my partners what they want. Tell me your fantasies. Out with it!

That said, the more I change, the more I know my wife will not like my increasing ways. I don’t share how direct I am with others. She would not like me to be dominant. She’s a gentle romantic soul. This would not be hot and exciting that I take control, solicit her desires and her fantasies. She’s already complained my kissing has changed. Others find it incredibly hot, she? Not so much.

I am not great a being different in different relationships but I appreciate we’ve been together 20 years and changes by the introduction of other relationships are not melding well in my world. What about yours?
 
I changed during a 30 year marriage, and we were monogamous. I think it's inevitable, really. There is this expectation we will both remain the same person we were when we first hooked up/got married. It is never the case. The lucky ones change but remain compatible...

I found this in jobs too. I gained skill sets but my boss would want to keep me in my original position because that is what she needed from me. So, I changed jobs every few years.

Why not do this with partners if necessary? Think about it, hard.

I changed while with my ex husband. We met when we were very young, 19 and 21. By the time we were in our mid 40s we had both changed and grew apart. We split in our mid 50s and probably shouldn't have waited that long. We both moved on to different partners that suited us better in our middle age. I am so much happier.
 
I've been with my husband for 8 years now. Since High School where growth and change is not only expected and desired. We've both changed and we've only very recently realized we are poly and and settling into that change.

Talk with your wife openly, honestly and kindly.

If there is a way she prefers being kissed, kiss her that way. My husband and boyfriend have some different preferences sexually - so since I'm comfortable with those preferences I do things a little differently.

If she likes romance, romance her.

What are things that make her feel loved and cared for?
 
If you can't be yourself with a partner, it is a problem and barring non-relationship ties that may be more important considerations, moving on may be better.

That said, don't base something this big on an assumption of what she would or would not like. Be yourself. If she cannot handle it, take it from there. It is possible that your assumption is right. It is also possible that she also likes the "new you". In my experience, authenticity comes with its own charisma. When you're being exactly yourself, you have a sort of glow that is you. So even if she may not normally like the sort of behavior you now have in other people, seeing you be authentically yourself may STILL be appealing and it will reduce pretenses and barriers between you, which also serves to add intimacy in a relationship.

It may not be the end of the world.
 
I've undergone changes in recent years that have helped my relationships, but I think the changes were brought on more by Zyprexa than by the relationships themselves.
 
Zyprexa is a prescription med I take to help me manage the psychological issues I have. I have been through a lot of meds over the years, to no avail. Zyprexa is the only one that has worked for me. So while I'd like to take the credit for my improved demeanor (no more rages), I have to credit modern medicine for the most part.

Don't know if that's what you were looking for ... will be happy to answer further questions.
 
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