Is there a hard-wired mono who happily transitioned to poly here, please?

Del

New member
Hi! I've put some context as to who me and my partner are in the introduction board.

So, I (bi F 42) would identify as a mono emotionally, possibly from society, but likely from personal baggage too as well as my inability to deal with loads of deep bonds/connections at once. Even with friends. I recently had a brain implosion (some would call it a depression or the latter was the consequence of the former, likely) because I knew too many people and too many of them were very important to me and I couldn't cope. But I would say that I'm cognitively/theoretically totally behind the open and/or poly relationship system, because it seems, in short, a more ethical and sustainable system. My brain is simply struggling with my heart. They don't speak the same language.
So far, I've been comfortable in monogamous relationships. I just knew they wouldn't last forever because... how can they? With one unique partner. Very unlikely. But because of my baggage, I also really struggle with terminating relationships and I need a very sustainable, long bond with at least one person in my life to keep me at peace (I don't either have this from friends -because I'm a nomad- or family -because... gah. Families. You don't always win that lottery).
My partner (bi M 41) is suspecting (and I strongly do too) that he might be poly. So after years and years of trying mono relationships with his partners and splitting up after 6 months or so, he's embarked onto a new one with me but this time, he really wants to make it last very long term (lucky me!). However he feels the issue of his constant discomfort may in part come from the fact that he might be poly. Very likely, indeed.

So, he's been on my planet long enough, and I think his planet looks pretty sensible, I'd like to try and make my brain the boss of my life rather than my heart and gently help my heart see the light and colours the poly world has to offer.

My question is (sorry it took so long to get there!):
Are there any mono people out here who succeeded at the change and who could help me and advise me on how to be happy in a poly system?
I'm reading books and websites and listening to poly podcasts as much as I can, I do have a poly friend too who has explained a lot of valuable things but all of youz that I'm listening to are poly and... I don't know how to translate stuff into my mono language so I can open up and adapt.

Thank you all for your welcome and kindness and excuse the noobie miswording and misjudgement, they come from good ol' ignorance.
 
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Thank you for your input.
Sure, I can see how you would have this impression. And maybe it's not just an impression, maybe it's reality.

Let's see... I'm not against my heart. I own my baggage and what makes me me. I understand where it comes from, I don't reject it and I'm at peace with it. But that doesn't mean I want to be bound by it all my life and that doesn't mean I don't want to have a choice and evolve into something that accommodates for my baggage while getting close to the person I would like to be.
Since you're saying it looks like a life of bondage, precisely: I'm trying to free myself of it. Do you see where I'm getting at?

I don't want to keep this relationship at the cost of losing me. Certainly not. I've done this once in my young years and I'm not doing it again, nope nope. But this relationship might help me come closer to the aim I have to reconcile my baggage/my inner child/my emotional-me with what my brain says is more sensible/more sustainable/closer to an ideal version of me (for myself). Do you see what I mean? It's tough to explain. You have your own experience and your own filter and I don't know what you read in what I'm saying.
Anyway, because polyamoury or some form of non-monogamy seems a lot more sustainable to me (rationally), it seems a better guarantee to me of a long-lasting bond in my life which would answer that inner-child need I have. But as many hard-wired monogamous people, non-monogamy is a daunting foreign country because the emotions, the feelings, their meaning and their importance are unknown to me.
 
Hi Del

As a "hard-wired" monogamous woman a year+ into her first poly relationship, I can relate to the questions you pose.

At the moment, I would consider myself uncomfortably poly as my situation was neither planned nor borne out of any innate trait or desire to engage in a poly lifestyle.

In the death throes of a long-term monogamous marriage, I fell in love with a man I met online, who was technically single but intermittently engaging in a variety of non-monogamous flings. I was warned by one of his casual partners (B, a mutual friend) that I would be deluding myself if I expected any kind of commitment to eventuate from my relationship with J. However, J surprised everyone including himself by falling for me and willingly committed almost immediately.

Without going into all the details and disappointments that led up to my situation evolving into what it is today (my story can be found in the Introduction and Relationship Corner sections), a year later, I began a concurrent relationship with B herself, and have remained in a tentative poly V triad ever since.

The thing is, I often feel like a fraud and as if I don't truly belong in poly world, because in my heart AND in reality, I conduct these two relationships as if I were involved in two, totally separate, committed monogamous relationships.

I am not sure I will ever really come to terms with the reality of my situation (being poly) and although we briefly attempted to integrate the three of us into one big inclusive romantic/sexual family, it "didn't take" and left me a little emotionally battle-scarred from trying to force myself to fit a shape that felt unnatural to me.

I hope you have better luck, but in my limited experience, you have to start with knowing who you are, what you want, as well as what you are able to live with, commit to, and maintain. Trying to tailor your own desires and lifestyle choices to fit a pre-fabricated mould will NOT work long-term unless you are exceptionally flexible, adaptable and open to change.

If you don't already KNOW without doubt that you are poly, forcing yourself to act in accordance with that lifestyle in order to ensure you'll find "peace" via never being alone/lonely/partnerless, seems a little like putting the cart before the horse.
 
I just want to add, Del, I can 100% relate to this:

identify as a mono emotionally, possibly from (...) my inability to deal with loads of deep bonds/connections at once. Even with friends. I recently had a brain implosion (some would call it a depression or the latter was the consequence of the former, likely) because I knew too many people and too many of them were very important to me and I couldn't cope.

My own poly relationship (dual mono) has caused me to feel like this for the majority of the past year. I'm not sure how to describe it other than "over-stretched", emotionally, and in terms of how much I am outlaying in time and energy, caring for others' wellbeing and needs.

If your heart is wired the way you describe, be very careful you have enough of "yourself" to share with more than one person on such a deep level.
 
Hi Del

The thing is, I often feel like a fraud and as if I don't truly belong in poly world, because in my heart AND in reality, I conduct these two relationships as if I were involved in two, totally separate, committed monogamous relationships.

Oh my goodness, lunabunny! Where on earth did you get the idea that being poly is supposed to mean that you can't have multiple separate relationships? LOTS of poly people keep their relationships pretty separate.

My partner's other relationship is totally separate from me. My metamour and I knew of each other, heard a lot about each other, eventually met each other briefly, occasionally meet "in passing," and occasionally go to the same parties/events, but otherwise we don't hang out or talk much. We get along fine, there is just no reason for the two of us to have a deep friendship. None of us live together.

lunabunny, do you mean that your relationships feel "monogamous" because neither of your two partners are dating other people? I see what you mean in that case, but there is no reason to stress out about whether you fit the definition of poly or whatever. If you and your partners are happy, if your relationships are all working, there is no problem. There is definitely no one right way to be poly. There isn't really even a "poly world" to fit into.
 
forcing yourself to act in accordance with that lifestyle in order to ensure you'll find "peace" via never being alone/lonely/partnerless, seems a little like putting the cart before the horse.

The problem that's overlooked by both of you though (my replies are being moderated, I replied to Fallen Angelina but it doesn't show yet) is that I'm not happy at all either in monoland. Because mono-relationships are unsustainable (that's my experience as well as my opinion). And when they stop, since it's the only person I have a very deep bond with, I lose a few life points every time. I'm not naive and I know some poly relationships can/will stop too. I just think it seems safer and more sustainable. And also there would be a couple, a few, a handful (whatever) more people who are connected on a deep level to me.
And it's more ethical and I think it's important. I don't like the idea of someone owning someone else. Me or anyone.
And also I myself need to see other people sometimes. I just haven't acted on it because I respect the rules of the system I'm in. But I did end a long-term relationship partly because I didn't want to end my life with just this one partner. I wanted to experience more partners. So I left (for other reasons too).

I don't know... It's not that black and white and I'm not refusing to listen to myself. I don't think... But maybe...

Regarding your additional post, yes, this might be one of my biggest concerns, but I worked a f*CK load on myself in the last year, therapy, mindfulness, tons of reads, so on so forth and I'm a whole lot better at listening to myself and my feelings and care for myself.

But as I said, I really value both your inputs and you and Angelina may be right, I may still be blinded.
I'm hoping a successful mono can give me advice because all I hear so far is very, very discouraging... Not hopeful whatsoever.
 
Hi Del,

On this forum, you will find a lot of stories of mono people struggling to be poly. But most of them are struggling A LOT MORE than you are, because you already seem to like and understand the idea of poly on an intellectual/theoretical level.

Certainly, there are many mono spouses who have been blindsided by their partner "coming out" as poly, when the mono spouse previously thought everything was fine in their long-term marriage. These mono people often never considered anything other than being mono, and struggle to grasp even intellectually the reasoning behind it.

You, on the other hand, were always skeptical of the sustainability of long-term mono relationships; you were quite possibly wondering if some other relationship style could work, even if you had no idea what that might be, and even if you yourself do not feel that you have the emotional energy for more than one relationship.

Which brings us to my main point: if you think you would have a very hard time having more than one relationship--then don't. If you would be too emotionally drained and strained, if you thrive with just one relationship, if you feel you are "hard-wired mono"--then just date your partner.

BUT your partner can still date other people and have relationships with others. If you feel that you understand why poly is appealing, you like the idea of it, you're willing to learn about it and work at it, you understand why your partner wants to be poly--then let your partner be poly.

Nothing says that BOTH you and your partner have to date other people. If you want only one relationship, you can have only one relationship. If your partner wants more than one relationship for himself, and you are happy with that--what's the problem?

If you are NOT okay with your partner being poly, and if in fact you're just tolerating it because you want to stay in a relationship with him--then it's probably not a good idea for either of you to embark on any type of polyamory while you're together. It's okay to NOT be okay with poly, if you feel it's not right for you. Even if intellectually poly seems kind of nifty to you, the reality of it may still be not for you. And that's okay (although it may mean you and your partner are not compatible).

However, your post doesn't mention any concerns about jealousy or anything related to your partner dating others. Your questions (so far) seem to be about how you could change your mono heart. So my answer would be, you don't have to. You can embrace your partner being poly without being poly yourself.
 
Thank you, you read some important bits in my post, it makes me feel a little better.
However, your post doesn't mention any concerns about jealousy or anything related to your partner dating others. Your questions (so far) seem to be about how you could change your mono heart. So my answer would be, you don't have to. You can embrace your partner being poly without being poly yourself.
Oh I do! I do have some worries about feeling insecure and feeling threatened with a possible outcome of being rejected. Of course.
But I feel I only fear this because I don't understand the poly mind fully yet. And I only fear it because a relationship has an importance and a meaning and I guess... a weight because it's my mono filter that's interpreting it. Or rather my mono-tinted-glasses is associating having multiple partners to particular meanings that would be threatening in a mono-world to a mono person (disinterest, devalue, rejection, replacement, abandonment). But they don't have that meaning in a poly world at all. These interpretations are totally a construct (whether from society or personal history - most probably both) and I know that. Poly people are not rejecting I me when they also like someone else. So I'm kinda trying to see another interpretation of reality. Another construct. I'm trying to open my heart to try other glasses on. Because after all, maybe they'll be more fitting if I manage to see what nice colours *I* myself would find beautiful. I've mentioned some of them (on a theoretical level) in my previous (still moderated) replies. I would like to not let arbitrary constructs decide for my life. And for that, I need role models. People who have navigated it. The way they'll word it to me will hopefully resonate better to me than the poly people who very generously try to help mono people navigate these shores.

Edit: By the way, I can be non-monogamous without much threat to my system if I just see people for light-hearted, quasi casual sex encounters. This would not drain me at all since I wouldn't invest much emotionally - it would just be friendly and smiley. And I'd have the variety of experience, bodies and encounters that I said in a previous (still moderated :D) post I had left a relationship (partly) over.
 
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if you think you would have a very hard time having more than one relationship--then don't... BUT your partner can still date other people and have relationships with others.

Well-put and an important point.

Del, you posted that you might feel insecure, etc., in a mono-poly arrangement. Consider that this might help your relationship get stronger a few ways. Some poly people I know say "s/he has a way higher sex drive than I do, and I don't want to have that much sex" for example. The same reasoning could apply to an 'emotional drive' where perhaps your partner needs lots of emotional maintenance, but this might interfere with your self-care time. So that could help.

Also, if your partner is happier in general, they will also be happier around you which will make your relationship stronger.

Poly is very flexible and your relationships may find a 'grove' based on needs and interests. These types of relationships energize rather than deplete energy in my experience.

In your case, it is possible to have more casual relationships. I'm on the other side of the spectrum. My partner has another bf, and I don't have any other partners at the moment. But I have lots of friends who I cuddle with (i.e., not FWB). That works great for me because I have a big need for casual touching.
 
Hi Del,

I was certainly a happily married mono guy when my (previously mono) wife poly-bombed me back in December of last year with the request to open our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feelings about an old college boyfriend. Ultimately, I agreed (full story in link below) - although I was not particularly happy about it. Eight months later, my current position is that poly would still not be my first choice but I have reached the point where I can live comfortably with it.

I would have considered myself hardwired for mono although I had read some about poly out of "intellectual curiosity" - mostly because we have a poly friend who told me a bit about it. Personally, I do suspect - at least for me - that my strong preference for poly is largely due to cultural conditioning, having been raised in the Deep South in a very fundamentalist church. To counteract that, I have made a conscious effort to involve myself in the poly culture - much as you are doing. I participate in this forum as time permits, have read half a dozen books on poly (including the "Big 3" - "Ethical Slut", "Opening Up", and "More Than Two"), a sizable number of web articles and forum posts, and listen to the "Polyweekly" podcast regularly. And my wife and I are very open about her relationship with her bf - we talk about him almost as if he were a member of our family - although he and I have only met once and don't communicate (partly because it is an LDR - and partly because he is not really comfortable with it, although I would be).

I am still a mono in practice, but I don't rule out the possibility of having a partner also (and my wife made it clear from the start that I was obviously welcome to do so as well) - and I even have a good lady friend who has offered to elevate our friendship to fwb (she has a couple already, and enjoys all our company but prefers to be "single"), and I may take her up on it one day, but right now I am just taking my time adjusting it. So - I guess that makes me somewhat poly also as I am open to the idea, as well as my acceptance of my wife's poly (which some say is the true test of poly).

Best of luck on your poly journey, Al.
 
Best of luck on your poly journey, Al.

Thank you Al.
And thank you Vanillabean for your post and for the resources.

So, Al, I read your introductory post and ...
And then, somehow, presumably as a result of the study - processing - meditation, I had a rather sudden and remarkable paradigm shift - at which point I felt like I suddenly "got it - wrapped my head around it" and was able to view the situation positively and let go of my reservations.
...could you talk me through what your view was before and what it was after, in your own words, as a mono, to see if any would click for me?

Can I also ask you: what would have been/would be your reaction if your metamour was *not* long distance, if he lived right in your town? And/or if you were not the live-in partner?
My partner and I are long-distance, which I think adds a level of difficulty in terms of negotiating insecurities and the fear to be replaced in the "special-ness" of our deep intimacy/connection/bond.

I said on one of my replies which don't seem to have made it through (EDIT: they have), that I've taken a very pro-active approach to evolving into being a better version of myself and reconcile what my heart/inner child needs and the idea of myself that my brain has.
I'm reading the "big 3" (although the Ethical Slut's tone is really rubbing me wrong) and listening to the podcast mentioned and also another one, but just like you, I found a tremendous help in meditation (as a sceptical and rational atheist myself) and I'm further growing this practice with ACT which I'm currently learning.
 
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Thank you both for pointing me in that direction. I'll have a read. (So much reading: books, forum posts, websites, blogs...! *Overwhelmed* :D)

Also, side-note: I was listening to an episode of Polyamoury weekly where the guest (Mollena Williams) coined the term monoamoury to describe her own way to identify. This is a lot more accurate to describe me too.
 
As risk of hijacking Del's post, I want to quickly address the questions Meera directed to me:

Oh my goodness, lunabunny! Where on earth did you get the idea that being poly is supposed to mean that you can't have multiple separate relationships? LOTS of poly people keep their relationships pretty separate.

Oops, I'm sorry Meera, I can see I wasn't clear enough about the nature of my discomfort - because no, it's not that I believe polyamorous people must blend their relationships in some fashion or else they're not "doing poly right".


lunabunny, do you mean that your relationships feel "monogamous" because neither of your two partners are dating other people? I see what you mean in that case, but there is no reason to stress out about whether you fit the definition of poly or whatever. If you and your partners are happy, if your relationships are all working, there is no problem. There is definitely no one right way to be poly. There isn't really even a "poly world" to fit into.

The above is closer to the truth, as each of my partnerships *does* feel monogamous, yet still doesn't quite get to the crux of how I feel, or why.

I think I am sloooowly coming to terms with my situation, but for a long time I experienced a complete sense of compartmentalisation whenever I was with one partner or the other. I'd often completely blank out the fact that I even had another partner, and would think/feel/behave as if the one I was with at the time was the only (not only *towards* that lover themselves, but even inside my own head.)

Even now, when something is said or done to "jolt" me back to reality (say, a message from my non-present lover pops up on screen in the midst of a intensely emotional interaction with the other) I feel a mixture of guilt, shame and embarrassment that I'd temporarily forgotten them, or even angst or frustration that I'm unable to answer the second partner straight away or be with them instead.

It's common for me to feel a deep sense of conflict during sexual activity or chat with one partner, because it feels somewhat like cheating on the other. For a long time I felt bad that I could no longer call my fiancé "my Only" as I'd been accustomed, because it didn't ring true and obviously he knew that.
 
Del,

You sound like a pretty independent individual who places a high value on your own autonomy, privacy and space... while also craving the stimulation and companionship that can only be gained by opening your heart and life to other people. (A lone wolf in need of a pack?)

I'm sorry you've encountered so many negative responses, and what must sound like dire warnings (including mine) against what your mind is now telling you might be The Answer.

Based on my own difficulty "balancing" two relationships, and from what you've told us about your own nature (easily overwhelmed and stressed out by the demands and presence of too many others), I can only advise you to proceed with caution if you still feel polyamory is something you'd like to explore with your current partner.

It is true that you do not have rush into additional relationships simply because you decide NOW that you want to try poly at some time in the future. As you say, you can ease into it gradually by engaging in some low-commitment casual relationships with people you're attracted to, until you find a lover or lovers with whom you develop a deeper emotional bond.
 
Hi Dell -

..could you talk me through what your view was before and what it was after, in your own words, as a mono, to see if any would click for me?

As a mono - I intellectually understood the soul mate - special relationship myth, nevertheless, emotionally I ascribed that to our marriage - and placed great value in it. I believe it would be fair to say that there was some fear that the specialness of our relationship would be lost in a poly marriage. My biggest issue was the idea of her having sex with another man - this rubbed strongly against my southern evangelical conditioning - even though I had long ago reached the point in life where I would have no moral objection for anything consenting adults cared to do sexually (as long as it was them and not me). I guess it would also be fair to say that I strongly associated sexual exclusivity with the specialness of our relationship as well - and that we would not be as special together if there was sex with others involved.

The paradigm shift /epiphany was really quite sudden - but was based on a lot of processing, lengthy conversations with Becky, and meditation (while I am not an atheist, my higher power concept is on the abstract spiritual side) - as if all the work behind the scenes finally burst through and became clear.

What became clear to me was that accepting Becky's wish to have another relationship did not diminish our own - and might even enhance it. The idea that we can love a new baby in the family without diminishing our love for the older children is a cliche poly argument - but not without merit - and the analogy probably comes as close as I can get to the clarification that I achieved. Paradoxically, our marriage has become stronger - with more openness and closeness than ever. I suspect this is because poly requires such a dedication to open communication - apparently a positive side effect of the poly relationship style. I even overheard Becky tell our openly poly friend that she felt our marriage had never been better (our poly friend was not surprised). As for my concerns about sex, it turned out that the sexual NRE energy created by their relationship only made our own sex life hotter.

Hope this helps - if I can offer any more specific elaboration, please feel free to ask.

Can I also ask you: what would have been/would be your reaction if your metamour was *not* long distance, if he lived right in your town?

It does make it easier for me that Becky's bf, Ben, is long distance (3 hours or so) so they only get together once or twice a month - the agreed upon one overnight a month (always in a motel and usually coordinated with business travel for one or both of them) - and occasionally an afternoon-early evening get together.

I am fairly certain that it would have been more difficult for me to adjust if he lived locally and they saw each other once or twice a week. But I do believe that I still would have been able to make the adjustment with some additional effort. Also, we might actually all get to know each other a bit if he lived locally, and that might help as well.

And/or if you were not the live-in partner?

That is difficult for me to answer. Before my experience in poly, if I were hypothetically unmarried (and no kids involved) but with a non-live in gf with whom I had a committed mono relationship - but who had then proposed a poly arrangement, I may have very likely declined and offered to part ways so she could pursue poly for herself. Since poly is not my personal preference, it has required *a lot* of work to achieve a reasonable comfort level with a poly relationship - and I am not certain that I would have been willing to put in that effort under those circumstances. But - you never know - depending on the exact circumstances - I may still have done the same.

I'm reading the "big 3" (although the Ethical Slut's tone is really rubbing me wrong)

I can see how it would affect some that way - I have the same complaint about "More Than Two". :)

----------------

[Edit: As I reflected on this post through the morning, I spent some time mentally reviewing the actual processing that led me to achieve some acceptance of poly. One specific thought that I worked on during this time was the idea that I could see Ben as Becky's new friend - just as if she had developed a new friendship with a woman she works with. It might turn out they really connect and text/talk daily (she does have friends with whom she texts almost daily) - and perhaps even spend an evening or two a month out together - this would not bother me at all. In fact, I would be happy for her that she has made a new friend and is having a good time. So, if I could set aside my conditioning, and see her relationship with Ben as such - that Becky had a new friend who brought happiness and value to her - why would I not be happy for her. (Note: I never viewed poly as "wrong" per se and did see it a valid alternative lifestyle for those who chose to do participate - I just never expected to be among them. And, I did realize that my own mono orientation was largely my cultural orientation. Wonder what it would be like if we all lived in a society where poly was the norm and monogamy was viewed with suspicion.)

Well and good - but the analogy seems to break down at sex - after all, Becky and her new girl friend would not be having sex (Becky is straight so we can ignore that possibility for the sake of this discussion). So - this required that I perhaps reevaluate my view of sex. So, even though few mono's would appreciate the analogy - especially those who view sex as sacred - I had the thought that if we just look at sex as a fun physical activity (for the moment), it really didn't have to carry any more weight than a game of tennis. Of course, I knew that was not all sex was, but it was a start - from moving beyond the point where sex was something too special for us together to ever be shared with others. And, of course, it was helpful to remember that we had both had numerous sex partners prior to our relationship - which also helped put sex in perspective as well. So, just a couple of specific examples that I used in own processing to add to the more general thoughts that I wrote about earlier. Al]
 
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Hi Del,

It sounds like you do not need to transition all the way to poly; more just to poly-friendly. This way you could accept your partner as poly, without the fear that someone would replace you. Technically, I was once mono, and have transitioned to poly. But it wasn't a hard thing for me to do, and maybe you find it hard to do. My transition was largely fueled by a mid-life crisis. I was burning all my bridges, I even left the church. I basically decided I didn't have a problem with anything sexual as long as it was based on mutual consent. I learned about poly after that.

Don't know if my story helps ... I'm happy to answer any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So, he's been on my planet long enough, and I think his planet looks pretty sensible, I'd like to try and make my brain the boss of my life rather than my heart and gently help my heart see the light and colours the poly world has to offer.

How about going at it head and heart together? :confused: Rather than one or the other?

Let me ask something...

  • Are you monoamorous (desire or capability to share love with 1 sweetie) and monogamous (want to relate in a 1:1 model, no other people)?

  • Are you monoamorous (desire or capability to share love with 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? Could do mono like 1:1, poly like an end point in a V, casual sex, etc?

  • Are you polyamorous (desire or capability to share love with more than 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? Could do poly or do mono like 1:1 so long as you can express your poly thoughts and feelings? Open enough for you but Closed enough for the partner since there is no other people?

  • Are you polyamorous (desire or capability to share love with more than 1 sweetie) and polygamous? You want to be in a poly thing be it an MMF, FMF, a V, a triad, a quad, or some other poly network?

I think knowing your own self and what you like/don't like could play a role in how “succcessful” you will be at your attempts in relationships. At the very least, it will help you not spend time trying to square peg/round hole.

I'm not happy at all either in monoland. Because mono-relationships are unsustainable (that's my experience as well as my opinion). And when they stop, since it's the only person I have a very deep bond with, I lose a few life points every time. I'm not naive and I know some poly relationships can/will stop too. I just think it seems safer and more sustainable. And also there would be a couple, a few, a handful (whatever) more people who are connected on a deep level to me.

Are you saying you neglect your friends and other relationships when in a mono thing? So when the mono thing folds, you have no support system to help you heal from the grief of the relationship ending?

Then I think you could cultivate that support system better in future. Whether you date mono or poly. Not neglect your close friendships.

My partner and I are long-distance, which I think adds a level of difficulty in terms of negotiating insecurities and the fear to be replaced in the "special-ness" of our deep intimacy/connection/bond.

Maybe some of these help you.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Especially

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

since you are wondering what makes intimacy in your LDR relationship.

Here's another perspective. The fear of being replaced? What's the fear really? That you cannot cope if things break up? If so? Rather than spend a lot of energy making things so a break up can never happen, consider how to better fuel your "coping-ness" if it DOES happen.

I think that's more efficient energy expenditure. I can monitor my skills and my ability to cope with Life easier than I can monitor and manage the whole World trying to make it so something doesn't happen.

I do not spend my time trying to make it so a hurricane never hits my state. I just stock up the food, have the shelter numbers, plan my route, keep the car with gas, keep the landscaping tidy, maintain my insurance, etc. Do my emergency preparedness work and then trust that if I need it I have it in order. Then hope I don't need it.

There's nothing to fear because I already did the things I needed to do to be prepared. I might not LOVE dealing with a hurricane or its aftermath, but I'm prepared. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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Wow. Ok. Loads to answer... So maybe I'll skip a lot of things but I'll hopefully address the stuff that needs to.

And thank you all for your input and help! It's super important to feel welcome and supported and not judged or criticised. :)
 
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