Do you think that was something they lost in their marriage or never really had ? If so talk about unrealistic expectations. The latter comparison situation seems like a common source of problems. Would you describe your husband and other wife as type A people.
They never had it in their marriage. They both admitted it. We all said in the beginning that we give each other things that our own spouses were not able to and that is why it worked so well in the beginning. Then later jealously reared its ugly head and she started to resent me because of what her and her husband shared. She also seen that my relationship with my own husband was good and that is also something she wanted or should i say NEEDED as well. My husband and I rarely fought and we are really good with seeing each others side of things and compromising (other than with the sex topic). Her and her husband never had that, every and when she seen it in my husband and I she needed it as well. He always did his best to do as she needed, to change himself but he struggled. She wanted her husband to be more like my husband. She wanted her husband to do exactly the same for her as he was doing for me and then some. The difference my relationship had with her husband was I didnt have all of the high expectations of him, he wasnt required to text me ALL of the time during work, he wasnt expected to send me love quotes, he wasnt expected to go above and beyond for me. I loved him the way he was and just how he was. He didnt need to pretend to be someone he wasnt for me. If we were together on a weekend and we were tired and didnt want to have sex and would just rather cuddle and fall asleep in each others arms we were both good with that, but with her and my husband they seen it as an issue for them.
What I was trying to say was maybe the same rules that you and your husband had along with less than honest answers by her husband as to the depth of his feelings might have fueled her insecurity.
In the beginning we were all trying to not admit that we had fallen in love. It was new territory for all of us. Once she said it to my husband and he said it to her, my opposite and I were free to admit it as well. She actually set the time and place for it to happen so she could be there when it did.
How soon was this ring exchange and who's idea was it and was it a group discussion or did it come from one side which forced the other side ? Rings and ceremonies/ gestures all have subjective meaning. Was this all discussed individually as well as a group ?
The ring exchange was a discussion that she brought forward to me. She said she would love to have a ring from my husband. She had mentioned to my husband in private before our discussion that she would love to have a ring from him on her finger. Both men discussed it and purchased the rings. That discussion happened roughly 6-7 months in. We agreed to exchange them a few months after that. My husband gave hers to her first and later that night (in private) she gave him his. She arranged for her husband to give me mine in front of everyone a week later and I gave him his right after (in front of them).
2 sets of rules. I'd see that being a really short fight. Hypocrite or hypocrites. Was that always the implied or direct threat ....our rules or this ends figuring you had more to lose.
Were they both equally guilty of this ?
It was both of them that would threaten the foursome because they knew that was a way to "reign us in" and to get us to be ok with everything, and it worked. Even when we were not comfortable with certain things we would just go with it regardless. In the end of the relationship it wasnt my husband so much, it was her. My husband was scared that our marriage would end if he broke up the foursome to he backed away a bit, but at that point we were letting them do whatever it was to keep them happy.
Im not sure hearing the truth would have been a good idea.....being able to handle the truth or open to the truth was more the point.
Had you admitted you enjoy sex more with your opposite. I'd assume that topic in that dynamic is avoided. Was it ever asked ....and did your opposite have to lie ? Did your husband volunteer how he rated his opposite ?
No, I have never admitted to her or my husband that I enjoyed sex more with my opposite and he never did either. We both knew what the repercussion would be if we did. Sex has always been good with my husband but i have never in my life been so into someone that just by them looking at me had an effect on me, I had that with my opposite and so did he. Both my husband and her would comment on a regular basis about how good the sex was with each other, how often they had it....etc. My opposite and her would have sex once..twice at the max even when they first got together and the same with my husband and I. And it was almost like she would brag that my husband was able to keep going and going and going with her, I am not sure if it affected her own husband or not with her talking like that. In the beginning (the first year or so) when they were driving home she would go into detail about how the sex was with my husband, and then would ask him to give all of the details about ours. I was upset about it when I found out that she knew everything that happened behind closed doors, I was ok with her knowing to some extent but she wanted all of the details. My husband and I never spoke about our closed doors encounters with each other, it wasnt something we needed to know. Even with text messages. She would take her husbands phone every night and scroll through our text messages to see what we were saying to each other. And even with all of this lack of privacy and intimate moments that we could not have with each other our connection was still stronger.
Yes her sex drive definitely took a lot of the pressure off of me. But I still felt like I had a quota to meet each week in order to see my opposite on the weekend. He had the same quota to see me. Telling my husband the truth would not go well at all. He would expect the same from me as what i had with my opposite, and as much as I would love to be able to give him that I cannot. I have tried, I really really have tried really hard but I dont have the same connection and desire as I had with my opposite.
So you're saying everyone really knew/ knows in general about the being " in " love.
The four of us knew we were all in love with each other, my husband knows I was/am more in love with my opposite and she knows he is as well (and is ok as long as he never admits it to her or anyone).
No, we were not all out to our families. Our kids didnt know, they just loved the both of them like they were part of the family. My two best friends and my husbands best friend who dont live near us know about us, but no one else in my family or my husbands know. Her Dad had always known they were swingers, all of their friends are from the swinging community. She told her sister and her sisters boyfriend about all of us shortly after we all got together because she wanted to tell her about how amazing it was to be in love with two men. She was pretty open with her co workers as well. His son their oldest knew all along but we didnt know until we all ended. He came out and told them that he knew all along and was ok with it. He had caught his dad and I kissing once. Her oldest son found out when we were all on a trip at a cottage. A bunch of us from our families decided to go away for the weekend, which looking back was a major mistake when you are hiding this type of relationship. To be with someone you love an not being able to give them any attention. I had my husbands and her back to they could sneak off and have a quick kiss. Later that day she was supposed to have ours so we could as well. Turns out she didnt have our backs as much as we though because her middle son caught us kissing. He though we were cheating but was confused because she was in the cottage with us. Pure stupidity on our parts. That is when their oldest son told the middle son that we were all ok with it and no one was cheating. Needless to say it didnt go over so well and the weekend went to hell. We somehow managed to somewhat salvage some of our relationship, not letting her family know that we were still seeing each other and from there it all went down hill :-(
My daughter is stuffing with the loss of two people who were in her live for two and a half years, her and his wife were really close. She was kinda like a second mom to her and then all of a sudden that is gone. My son doesnt seem to be bothered by it, he is younger. I dont want the choices my husband and I made to affect her life choices, or my sons so we decided not to tell them about our foursome. Maybe one day when she is older I can explain it to her.....