Confused Open relationship

ppk

New member
I have been married for 9 years and known my husband for 10 years. He was the best thing that ever happened to me until, 5 years ago where i feel my marriage has been going through rocky times every now and then.

i was on a holiday while my husband was back home.He happened to watch a documentary on swingers club their life, open relationship. He was very intrigued by that and asked me if i was up to try something like that. I was pregnant at that time so we decided to just go watch it at the swingers club. It was crazy to see things the way they were for the first time but very fantasizing once we were back being intimate and to have those images. so we decided to try it further after our baby was born.

I gave birth to our beautiful daughter and obviously nneded at least six weeks before i could start to get back into whole sex thing with my husband. But my husband had no self control he was desperate to have sex and it had been only 2 weeks post pregnancy so, I gave him the permission to go pay and have sex which he did. It was very hurtful but seeing him the way he was i had to make that choice. It took me a while to get out of it as i had a lot going on post pregnancy hormones, sleepless nights, horny husband.

That phase passed we got back in few months back into swinging and met a few couples. couldn't do much as my husband was trying to get action i had the baby with me so it was ruled out for me there and ended up feeling further miserable and insecure.so we decided we will take some more time to get back into this as kids were too young and i was not comfortable.

that year he had a lot of travelling. He went to Hungary, and ended up having sex and decided not to tell me.He had told one of his friend about us being into swinging which i was not aware of and so while my husband was away he decided to come home and give it a shot. Here i was not knowing anything he started to mention i am such an cool wife to let her husband have sex with other women and he is ok with you to have sex with another man and in that process he mentioned that my husband had sex with this girl in hungary , which was shocking and even more shocking was that this guy is actually hitting on me and wants to have sex. That moment i felt very hurt that despite all the freedom of letting him have sex with a hooker trying the swinging thing yet he cheated on me.

He rushed in from his travelling finding out that i knew he had cheated on me. We spoke through hings and decided that swinging was not our cup of tea and we needed to pull Veto to it. And had good couple of years after.

And it all started again .... this time it was that we need to try things before we are too old and what if we regret looking back as what if we had . So I have yet again allowed him and he is full in swing meeting girls and getting ready to have sex with few of them. It has been bothering me so much to the point where i love him but his sex drive is now pushing me further away from him. i don't have that respect for him that i had. no doubt i love him that's probably why i have hung around with this man for such a long time. but i don't know if i am prepared for myself to go through this feeling any further. Its all about him and what if he regrets so on and so forth and my feelings are so unnoticed. I am so confused with what i am letting him do is bothering me so much.Either he needs help or i do...
 
I am so sorry.

It does not sound like partnership here. It sounds like you give and he takes rather than both giving and both sharing. You sound unhappy. :(

Galagirl
 
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. . . i love him but his sex drive is now pushing me further away from him. i don't have that respect for him that i had. no doubt i love him that's probably why i have hung around with this man for such a long time. but i don't know if i am prepared for myself to go through this feeling any further. Its all about him and what if he regrets so on and so forth and my feelings are so unnoticed. I am so confused with what i am letting him do is bothering me so much.Either he needs help or i do...

It doesn't matter whether it's polyamory or swinging or monogamy... the major issue here is that you feel discounted, dismissed, uncared for, and that your needs are unimportant. You've lost respect for someone who is supposed to be your partner, yet has betrayed you and treated you as inconsequential. How is he with his parental duties as a father?

I suggest you get into therapy/counseling. If he won't go with you, then do it for yourself. You sound depressed and at your wit's end.

I would also recommend getting tested for all STDs/STIs, and not having sex with him until you know the results, because you really do not know the extent of his sexual escapades and whether he used safety precautions or not. I am sorry to say that, but it is a reality you should face.
 
Polyamorous, swinging--really all--relationships rest on this odea of open, honest, and constant communication. I'll go ahead in and add in mutual respect as well, as it is incredibly difficult to have a healthy and functioning relationship where respect is not the foundation from which this communication springs.

I'm aware that we're only getting one side here (your side), however, it really doesn't seem as though there's a strong habit of communication and sharing between you two (if that's because he's not hearing you, or you simply haven't shared I don't know) and that can create a ruinous and toxic environment similar to the one you describe where your needs are, clearly, not being met. I think that is excellent advise to seek the help of a professional. Do whatever you need to do to help to open up those pathways of conversation so that you can find what you both need in order for your relationship to work.

The respect aspect is trickier, beacuse that's something that's not easily won back once it has begun to be eroded. But what I do know is that you can't build onto what you have now with love alone. That's a really cute thought that people like to toss around (all we need is love! ) but you seriously need more than that, and it varies by person and relationship. It may be benificial to start thinking about if respect for your partner and their habits is a need of yours (I'm assuming that it probably is) and then think very seriously on what actions spupport you in building back that respect (because respect is bulit on actions, not promises).

Good luck!
 
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