writing out the exodus from poly

gorgeouskitten

New member
I am not polyamorous. After a year of staunchly insisting I was, reading the books, the website, convincing the spouse there you have it. I am not poly. I keep rolling the words around on my tongue and then facing repercussions of my boyfriend knowing its true.

Last year, I spent six months writing an anonymous (paid, woo!) column for a website called "Polyamorous Mom" (the website is mommyish.com if anyone is interested). Explaining my journey into poly and chronicling the ups and downs and why it was all worth it. My first article was called "I'm polyamorous and my marriage is in the best place its ever been" or something to that effect. I'm getting divorced. So...I was delusional...or a liar...or both. Or it was my raging anxiety disorder that I am just now getting a handle on.

Whatever the reason, I thought it was great. I had fallen in love with my best friend (D) and was willing to sacrifice my marriage to J to get to keep D in my life. I told J that loving more than one only expanded the love, enriched the relationships, and I really believed this was true. I convinced him on the grounds that poly is "who I am" and he was left with the option to accept, or divorce me. He stayed...we have three kids and a long history...and he agreed to try it. He asked me to promise to always put our marriage first, and I agreed. But I wasn't honest. I had spent 15 years taking care of him, our finances, our children, his mental illness, holding it all together and I was ready to have something the way I wanted it.
While I could watch J date, have sex, do as he wished I felt little to no jealousy or concern. I wanted him to be happy..i'd even have been happy for him if he found a woman to love him more than I. D was another story...from the beginning I struggled to accept his already being married to someone else. Someone who he saw as a soul mate...the ultimate..love beyond compare. I struggled not to compete with this...to leave his love life to him. But I was not fair to him either...I always wanted him to myself.

She's left him, that sweet and handsome boyfriend of mine. His wife has taken of with her own secondary to pursue a life free of D and whatever it was that drove her away. He's been crushed, I've been supportive. its been a long f*cking year. And now...now we are both about to get divorced in the near future and I would like nothing more than to settle down with him later on when the dust has settled and hes having none of it. Poly he says, I AM poly. A place he wasn't a year ago...despite having me.

So here I sit, typing this out to all the poly people to do as you will or respond if you feel and Im on the other side of the fence. As D is frighten by the intensity of my love for him and tells me he can see mono...he can see the beauty of two people united...he doesn't want it. he doesn't want me to feel mono towards him, or to inhibit his poly. And I think, "this is what I did to J...I forced this on him. I made him choose. I did not consider and care about his feelings enough to see around my own needs. And from this side, it feels horrible".

Im sad. Im confused. And I'm sure as hell not poly.
 
Hang in there...

You're finding yourself much in the same place I was in when I started my relationship with Chops - re-learning who I was (I was at the tail end of a divorce), and navigating the entering of a relationship that I still had to learn if I could even navigate. I wanted another husband, basically, and I wasn't going to get that... I had to see if what we had would stand on its own without the other parts I wanted.

And we made hella mistakes along the way. I got my feelings hurt. I hurt his. I hurt Xena's. And what we have now is pretty good, but I've definitely worked on my sense of self through it all, and I'm happier in my own skin, which I think bleeds into the rest. I've found that, while I'm mono, I don't know now if I want a "husband" much like I thought I did. I'm happy having my own assets, as cold as that sounds, and I'm happy that he and I are independent in that way.

You'll get there, but definitely take time to dig into yourself, whether you're poly, mono, or somewhere in between. Things may change or settle out along the way... :)
 
Hang in there...

You're finding yourself much in the same place I was in when I started my relationship with Chops - re-learning who I was (I was at the tail end of a divorce), and navigating the entering of a relationship that I still had to learn if I could even navigate. I wanted another husband, basically, and I wasn't going to get that... I had to see if what we had would stand on its own without the other parts I wanted.

And we made hella mistakes along the way. I got my feelings hurt. I hurt his. I hurt Xena's. And what we have now is pretty good, but I've definitely worked on my sense of self through it all, and I'm happier in my own skin, which I think bleeds into the rest. I've found that, while I'm mono, I don't know now if I want a "husband" much like I thought I did. I'm happy having my own assets, as cold as that sounds, and I'm happy that he and I are independent in that way.

You'll get there, but definitely take time to dig into yourself, whether you're poly, mono, or somewhere in between. Things may change or settle out along the way... :)

Thanks YAH :) I know its what im doing too...I want to fill that void of "life partner" "someone to come home to" and it scares the hell out of D, and his being scared makes me insecure and needy. its a vicious cycle.
 
Thanks YAH :) I know its what im doing too...I want to fill that void of "life partner" "someone to come home to" and it scares the hell out of D, and his being scared makes me insecure and needy. its a vicious cycle.

Yep, that's what I had to define for myself as well - did not coming home to Chops every night mean that he's not my partner? Does having to go through some of the crappier moments alone mean that he's not there for me? Lots of soul-searching and questioning. Honestly, having that "what-if" moment when my mom passed away was the thing that eased a lot of those thoughts - he was there for me when it counted, for as long as I needed. That was HUGE.

It's like losing 20 pounds because you have the flu, though - not the way I'd recommend getting through this type of scenario. Time and experience are going to be your teachers here. Lean on him, let him know what you're feeling, but if you're determined to work it out yourself, let him know that too, so he can ease off on his own worry. :)
 
right now....just looking at the word "polyamory" gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. So when D says it...or exclaims joy of it...my anxiety is hit with a gigantic emotional trigger.
 
Yep, that's what I had to define for myself as well - did not coming home to Chops every night mean that he's not my partner? Does having to go through some of the crappier moments alone mean that he's not there for me? Lots of soul-searching and questioning. Honestly, having that "what-if" moment when my mom passed away was the thing that eased a lot of those thoughts - he was there for me when it counted, for as long as I needed. That was HUGE.

It's like losing 20 pounds because you have the flu, though - not the way I'd recommend getting through this type of scenario. Time and experience are going to be your teachers here. Lean on him, let him know what you're feeling, but if you're determined to work it out yourself, let him know that too, so he can ease off on his own worry. :)

i could stand to lose 20 lbs....lol. He has been there, in big ways...when my beloved grandfather died, when my daughter was in the hospital...I know he cares, he loves me. But when the poly nerve trigger hits he's defensive and off putting...last night he told me that he fears my monagomy means I will try to make him be that way and not allow his polyamory. that hurts...Im trying, so hard to be ok with it. Honsetly? Yes I see his not dating anyone but me for the last year and half, aside from one one night fling, and his lack of talking to women right now and his comments about how our sex life is totally fulfilling....as signs that hes not really poly either. he sense this, and it upsets him. But I cant UN feel it. And he doesn't want to give too much...our current boundries, don't date in our friends circle, tell me before you see someone, only be fluid bonded with me, tell other women they are secondaries....aren't enough to comfort me. and that upsets him. Im looking for ways to find the comfort...ive asked him to not date until we are done with divorces, he balked at that. I suggested he not have vaginal intercourse...balked at that too. I don't know if im demanding and unbending or he is.
 
I look forward to following this blog with great interest. Cause even though I'm in a polyamorous relationship I would never describe myself as Poly. I'm mono all the way and if it was just me and my partner I would be overjoyed with that. I can't let myself fully commit to this relationship because she's married to soneone else. If I could go back and not fall for her I would.
 
I look forward to following this blog with great interest. Cause even though I'm in a polyamorous relationship I would never describe myself as Poly. I'm mono all the way and if it was just me and my partner I would be overjoyed with that. I can't let myself fully commit to this relationship because she's married to soneone else. If I could go back and not fall for her I would.

I hear you. the board is a nice place to find commiseration as well as different view points
 
Had a really wonderful talk with D. about what we both want, what I need from mono and what he needs from poly. amazing want trying to communicate well can do. Basically, he agreed to hierarchical poly, which is what I can be comfortable with right now. im an alpha dog kinda girl, not sure why I thought I could be otherwise. Part of the reason poly didn't work for me, I cant be anyones secondary...or share my "place" in someone's life. I think some poly people maybe judge that as "not poly
" of me? But well, im not poly....


I haven't always been the best communicator. Its hard and unsettling to realize what have such bad anxiety has done to my interactions with other people. Amongst a trillion other things. You start asking yourself why you operate the way you do, how to focus on yourself. I come back around to love a lot.

In other musings I'm worrying about divorce and the kids. we have thre, 8,6, and 3. its crushing to think about....but they should see good, stable, loving relationships and that's not me and J. MAn the guilt about J...the guilt about the kids. yay guilt?

this one was rambling. Happy Tuesday
 
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"While I could watch J date, have sex, do as he wished I felt little to no jealousy or concern. I wanted him to be happy..i'd even have been happy for him if he found a woman to love him more than I. D was another story...from the beginning I struggled to accept his already being married to someone else."

I had a similar reaction with my husband and boyfriend. I might still if my boyfriend started dating, but I have become far more mellow about his wife. What I wonder for you, though, is was your different reaction because you cared less about your husband, or because you felt less secure in the relationship with your boyfriend, so poly there was more threatening?

I have largely stopped wondering if I'm "innately" poly, though the question did trouble me for a while. In my current circumstances, having multiple relationships appeals to me and makes me happier than simply being with my husband. On a theoretical level the idea appeals to me now too; however, there were also phases of my life when I said "no way that could work". I don't remember exactly why I used to think that, but I do remember it seemed entirely obvious. I also think that potentially in a different sort of marriage the issue might never come up, but that's not the life I'm in right now, and I deal with where I am.

Re "And he doesn't want to give too much...our current boundries, don't date in our friends circle, tell me before you see someone, only be fluid bonded with me, tell other women they are secondaries....aren't enough to comfort me. and that upsets him. Im looking for ways to find the comfort...ive asked him to not date until we are done with divorces, he balked at that. I suggested he not have vaginal intercourse...balked at that too. I don't know if im demanding and unbending or he is"

Why do you want these things? Or why do you want to be primary? Do you understand what need or fear is behind that?

I suspect (in part based on my own issues) that it is useful for you to ]recognize the role that your anxiety is playing. I hope you find approaches that help you deal with anxiety, and that it simplifies some of the other issues. For me, simply learning to recognize when the anxiety was ramping up was useful, as I could remind myself that I might be overreacting or leaping to unwarranted conclusions.

What your kids probably need more than anything is to have a good, stable, loving relationship with you. And you can give them that regardless of your other relationships. I think that's the best example, and best security, that you can provide for them.

And glad to hear that you had a talk with D that felt good.
 
The other side...

I AM poly. I always have been and my husband knew this from the beginning (20+ years ago). For years I "restricted" myself to other women due to his insecurities (until I didn't...more in my blog).

Some differences, I was NOT willing to sacrifice what I had with hubby in order to be with with boyfriend. Hence, three months of "no contact" while I rebuilt trust with hubs.

I did, however, notice that I resonated with some of what you wrote about your partners dating. But kind of in reverse. Dude started dating 1.5 years into our relationship. I was apprehensive, but we dealt with it. I don't know that I would be as comfortable with MrS dating "outside" women (i.e. women I don't know)...I think I feel more protective of MrS - I've been looking after him for so long, and I don't want him to get hurt.

When Dude and I got together (with MrS's blessing) he used to make comments to the effect that he wished he had me to himself. Um, NO! You met me knowing that I loved another (others?) - it is unfair for you to ask me to change for YOU. This may be how your D is feeling...

Your feelings are valid (you are having them, they are real!) but it is, in my mind, not realistic to accept poly-ness in a partner so that they can be with you but NOT accept it so they can be with someone else.

As D is frighten by the intensity of my love for him and tells me he can see mono...he can see the beauty of two people united...he doesn't want it. he doesn't want me to feel mono towards him, or to inhibit his poly.

I'm frightened by the intensity of MrS's love for me...and Dude's love for me. ( I really HATE being responsible, however peripherally, for another persons responses.) I can see the beauty of two people united! ...and two other people...and two other people. If he doesn't want to be mono with you then he DOESN'T. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean that he loves you any less (even if, when you said it to J, it did-in retrospect).

Can't comment on the kids aspect...

JaneQ

PS. I also suffer from Anxiety (now medicated)...for me this manifests as sometimes, irrationally, needing to have someone physically present.
But this is my issue, and my boys are sweet enough to go along with it when it happens....
 
I really appreciate the recent posts and will reply to you guys later on :)
At the moment I just need to blog some things out...its a bit therapeutic to halt my work and write about the thoughts tumbling around my head.
Ah anxiety, I never realized my tendency to obsess on things and my inability...I mean really inability, not lack of desire...to relax was cause my an underlying issue. maybe it was parents, maybe its my genes. I suppose we're all crazy.

Though 1002 of the day:
Had that talk with D. last night and I keep chewing on one of his reasons for being poly. He says after 25 years with the same woman, and restrictions on his activities/life he wants to meet new people and experience things that he maybe cant with me. That he needs to find out whats important to him in a relationship and maybe he cant live with out "x" and I cant give him "x".

But the more I thought about...two things...1) you can experience life with friends who aren't lovers and 2) there isn't much of anything I wouldn't try for this man.
I believe, that after all that time with that woman (yes I just called her THAT woman) he thinks that because a partner dislikes or isn't into something...its off the table.
I don't like rollercoasters....but I haven't been on one in 15 years, so I'd give it a shot cause he DOES like them
I don't eat Indian food...I mean I really really hate curry....but I'd go to an Indian restaurant with him and find something I could try/find palatable.
I think if he gave me the benefit of the doubt here he might find something.

Like...that not all women control you. not all women throw a fit when they don't get there way...not all women constantly tell you your disregarding their feelings or don't care about their safety/issues/etc etc

I guess he has so much to work through from that looooooooong haul, I gotta step back and let it happen.

Other things, I went home last night and the soon to be Ex headed out...my eldest pouted and said "I want family time". I think a little piece of my heart died right then and there. I held back a sob...sat down and told him how much both his dad and I love him and even if we aren't both with him at the same time we still love him, think hes important, and want to spend time with him.
This is going to be the most heart breakinf part.
 
He says after 25 years with the same woman . . . he needs to find out whats important to him in a relationship and maybe he cant live with out "x" and I cant give him "x".

. . . there isn't much of anything I wouldn't try for this man.

I am open to trying new things with my partners, and they have each expressed a (probably greater) willingness to try things I want to try, too. But even if they (or one of them) would do *everything* I wanted to do with a partner, I wouldn't want them to see that as a reason for me to be closed to other relationships.

I think searching for "x" is not so much about the repertoire of experiences you have with a person, but the emotional connection that develops between two people and is always a little bit different, depending on the pair. It's not about the list of things I get to do with [generic partner(s)]. It's about the unique relationships we have. I don't like the idea of either (or both) of my partners deciding they will be able meet all of my needs and we can close our relationship. Now, I actually might be done finding new partners, and maybe set for life with these two. But I'm not signing up to that. Because I might discover "x" -- in myself, in someone else, or between me and someone new. I'm leaving the door open to that, for me and for my partners.

I went home last night and the soon to be Ex headed out...my eldest pouted and said "I want family time". I think a little piece of my heart died right then and there. I held back a sob...sat down and told him how much both his dad and I love him and even if we aren't both with him at the same time we still love him, think hes important, and want to spend time with him.
This is going to be the most heart breaking part.

Those sound like really good things to say to a kid. It's hard to have the family definition change. But knowing that their people are still their people, hearing that their relationships with both mom and dad are supported and respected by both, will make the transition a lot more comfortable. It will get better, and you will all adjust.
 
I am open to trying new things with my partners, and they have each expressed a (probably greater) willingness to try things I want to try, too. But even if they (or one of them) would do *everything* I wanted to do with a partner, I wouldn't want them to see that as a reason for me to be closed to other relationships.

I think searching for "x" is not so much about the repertoire of experiences you have with a person, but the emotional connection that develops between two people and is always a little bit different, depending on the pair. It's not about the list of things I get to do with [generic partner(s)]. It's about the unique relationships we have. I don't like the idea of either (or both) of my partners deciding they will be able meet all of my needs and we can close our relationship. Now, I actually might be done finding new partners, and maybe set for life with these two. But I'm not signing up to that. Because I might discover "x" -- in myself, in someone else, or between me and someone new. I'm leaving the door open to that, for me and for my partners.



Those sound like really good things to say to a kid. It's hard to have the family definition change. But knowing that their people are still their people, hearing that their relationships with both mom and dad are supported and respected by both, will make the transition a lot more comfortable. It will get better, and you will all adjust.

I suppose, the connection you describe...having an intimate, romantic, sexual, etc. connection with X....scares the crap out of me. (I never got used to his wife and they split up a year after we started dating)
 
I suppose, the connection you describe...having an intimate, romantic, sexual, etc. connection with X....scares the crap out of me. (I never got used to his wife and they split up a year after we started dating)

Scares you because you feel like he might choose to close a relationship with someone else, shutting you out?
 
Scares you because you feel like he might choose to close a relationship with someone else, shutting you out?

in part, fear of losing him. also just really dislike the idea of him with someone else. it makes me feel uncomfortable and upset.


Out of curiosity, do Woof and Mitch date other women? I think I just suck at being a metamour. and sharing. lol
 
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Out of curiosity, do Woof and Mitch date other women?

Aha! You've found the secret to my poly success. Neither of them is actively seeing anyone. In fact, I've only had to endure one of them dating a handful of times, and those dates had low potential for intimacy. They feel free to date and find other partners. They just don't often feel inspired to do so. I think we all imagine I'll handle jealousy well. But we just don't know until the pudding's been tried, do we?

The thing I do worry about is one of them dating someone who brings drama into our lives. Complexity I'm all for. Bad behavior or cowboy intent would rub me wrong, and I hope it would turn them off, too. But if some cool lady (or fella - Woof is bi) wants to add to one of my partner's lives by building an intimacy with them, I think that'd be great.
 
Hi GK,

I don't like rollercoasters....but I haven't been on one in 15 years, so I'd give it a shot cause he DOES like them
I don't eat Indian food...I mean I really really hate curry....but I'd go to an Indian restaurant with him and find something I could try/find palatable.
I think if he gave me the benefit of the doubt here he might find something.

I'd be careful here, and not try to be ALL THE THINGS.

If Chops doesn't like a particular kind of food, I don't want to bring him to that kind of restaurant. It's not because he wouldn't go, but because I would feel like a selfish jerk dragging him all sorts of places he just isn't interested in going. He and I have plenty of common interests that we both enjoy (and when we both enjoy something, the enthusiasm is catchy!). If someone's not keen on something, it really does impact the mood, and I don't really want him doing things "just for me".

And rollercoasters are NOT the "let me try it" type of thing if you're prone to motion sickness, since your entire day will be ruined. My kid proved that. ;)

In my own experience, Chops and Xena like some musicians that I really am not into, and I'm glad I don't have to sit through a concert (looking like "that person" at a concert who is obviously not enjoying themselves) in order for him to have someone to go with. Let the things you have in common be the things you enjoy together, and don't try to squish yourself into a mold that doesn't fit.
 
The thing I do worry about is one of them dating someone who brings drama into our lives. Complexity I'm all for. Bad behavior or cowboy intent would rub me wrong, and I hope it would turn them off, too. But if some cool lady (or fella - Woof is bi) wants to add to one of my partner's lives by building an intimacy with them, I think that'd be great.

Our current dynamic is a V with me the hinge and neither guy is dating. One because he's mono, the other because he's working on some personal stuff.

BUT-what I found was that when Maca dated E-who was considerate, family oriented, friendly and willing to work to coordinate and mesh our lives in a way where no one lost out-it was easy. If I had anxiety while they were out and sent him a text, she sent one back before he did (she typed a LOT faster) expressing concern and asking how to help. THAT ALONE alleviated so much! She sent cards, planned my bday surprise, invited our kids to join hers in activities. If we needed to reschedule, she was on top of helping me work the calendar for rescheduling.
The other side of that coin of course is that I wasn't trying to fight against having her. I wasn't trying to undermine their time together and she never doubted that. We (she and I) worked together to make the situation the best possible for everyone.

However-when he dated B it was a fucking nightmare. Long before he got sick of her dramatic, self-centered bs-I was OVER dealing with her and her shit. It ultimately blew up in his face, months after I stepped away and quit having any contact with her or saying anything to him at all about their time together. Because she was unwilling to share. She was married, with a live in boyfriend and proclaimed poly all over the place. But she wanted him to herself. She was angry when he didn't cancel plans with the kids to be with her. She was angry he wouldn't invite her to (of all things) MY birthday party. She was angry his world didn't revolve around her just like the two men in her home.


Conclusion: I handle things really well when the other person is mature and rational and team-oriented.
I do not handle it at all when they are a self-serving psycho.
 
Our current dynamic is a V with me the hinge and neither guy is dating. One because he's mono, the other because he's working on some personal stuff.

BUT-what I found was that when Maca dated E-who was considerate, family oriented, friendly and willing to work to coordinate and mesh our lives in a way where no one lost out-it was easy. If I had anxiety while they were out and sent him a text, she sent one back before he did (she typed a LOT faster) expressing concern and asking how to help. THAT ALONE alleviated so much! She sent cards, planned my bday surprise, invited our kids to join hers in activities. If we needed to reschedule, she was on top of helping me work the calendar for rescheduling.
The other side of that coin of course is that I wasn't trying to fight against having her. I wasn't trying to undermine their time together and she never doubted that. We (she and I) worked together to make the situation the best possible for everyone.

However-when he dated B it was a fucking nightmare. Long before he got sick of her dramatic, self-centered bs-I was OVER dealing with her and her shit. It ultimately blew up in his face, months after I stepped away and quit having any contact with her or saying anything to him at all about their time together. Because she was unwilling to share. She was married, with a live in boyfriend and proclaimed poly all over the place. But she wanted him to herself. She was angry when he didn't cancel plans with the kids to be with her. She was angry he wouldn't invite her to (of all things) MY birthday party. She was angry his world didn't revolve around her just like the two men in her home.


Conclusion: I handle things really well when the other person is mature and rational and team-oriented.
I do not handle it at all when they are a self-serving psycho.

LR, you hit the nail on the head here. The last year of metamour life was with his wife. I tried very hard to make friends, to have a partnership around the man we both loved and it just crashed and burned until I stopped trying. On top of that, I watched her treat him like shit and dealt with all his melt downs etc. Its left me with a very bad taste in my mouth for anyone that comes into his life.

Slow Poly, I had a feeling ;) not that implying at all that you would be jealous, just that your situation sounded so harmonious that I figured there were not other people involved.

YAH, I hear you...but still, why cant he go on rollercoaster, eat spicy food, etc etc with a friend and not a lover??

Part of all the current angst is I feel disconnected from him. Two weeks ago, I broke up with him (oddly, after an amazing two days we had had). I got tired of the run around with the wife, wanted him to leave...and left him. he was very hurt and heart broken...so when I came back,and we talked it out...well, hes been distant. and I should allow him that, I fucked up. but its still hard.

Additional fears (can we all tell I have anxiety? lol) is with all his talk about exploring what he "needs" in a relationship I am so worried he'll find someone that doesn't have the income disparity, age difference, and lifestyle difference we do (ie. DINK vs. woman with three kids and no income from their dad) and be so much happier with her he wont need me. OR will want HER as a primary. and I cant take second seat again, I cant take it AT ALL. IF I date again, it'd be single guys. or casual sex. Im just not cut out for not being top dog.
 
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