Hi! Bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Circleoflove

New member
First of, I'm not 100% sure I'm going to fit in here but I couldn't find anywhere else that's active and anonymous.

I'm monogamous. Not necessarily because I don't believe I can't love two but more because I am incredibly picky and don't fall in love easily.

My husband is unique. In a good way. I might explain eventually but it's long, complicated and not really relevant other than the fact he is not your typical man. He's also poly.

We've been together almost 10 years, legally married for 7. I was a virgin when we met and he's been my only serious partner. Like I said, I'm picky. We have 4 children and another on the way.

He admitted to being poly from the start but he hasn't had an additional physical relationship since we met. There were a couple of long distance relationships that took place entirely over the phone and through text messages. Other people would consider those emotional cheating I guess but I knew about them and completely approved. There were no negative feelings at all.

Recently he started seeing a coworker. I don't know all the details.

I'm surprised at how hard this is for me right now. Last night, in particular, was awful.

I really want this to work. I love him so much and I have no doubt of his love for me. And he is so happy right now.

We promised long ago to always be honest with each other and we have been. He knows how I feel and now we both feel bad because he feels guilty despite me assuring him that my emotions and issues are not his fault.

We're in the early stages of this journey so we're still hashing out schedules and boundaries and everything. My pregnancy (and resulting hormones) and our children complicate things quite a bit but I think we're figuring it out.

Today is better, he has assured me that outside of unforseen events like the situation last night, his non holiday days off will be spent with our girls and me as she works those nights. They both will most likely get the whole last week of December off and are planning a date night so I now know I'll need a distraction of my own to prevent a repeat of last night.

He has also relieved a few of my fears. The most important being that they are practicing safer sex and not putting our baby at unnecessary risk.

The only real questions I have at the moment are whether this will get easier? And was it selfish of me to ask him to focus on our children and me for the first 2 weeks after the baby arrives this summer? I wouldn't have asked but I know that a new baby is an adjustment for everyone. It'll be especially difficult for our toddler because she's used to being the baby.

Like I said, I really want this to work and I've done a lot of reading on poly. I'm just a bit overwhelmed and hormonal at the moment.
 
Greetings Circleoflove,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are doing your best to get past some turbulent feelings, kudos and there is reason to hope it will get easier. I do not see a problem with asking him to focus on you and the kids when the baby arrives next year. He cannot just be off having fun while you are dealing with the adjustment. It sounds like he wants to reassure you and be supportive, so that is good on his part.

Hang in there! and let us know however we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Many poly people do not date others, especially new others (with all the NRE crazies) when they have small children, or even school age kids.

I think your h picked a difficult time to start dating someone in your neighborhood. 4 kids, and one on the way, is extremely demanding on any parent's time.

Asking for him to not see his gf for a mere 2 weeks is not selfish at all. If he was a good involved father, would he have time or energy at all for the entire first year (at least) of the new baby's life, to devote to a gf?

The first couple years of a child's life is a very important time. Add in 4 other kids....

Well, speaking from personal experience, I was poly before kids, took a long break (3 kids) and was practicing monogamy until my youngest was 16 years old and the others were 19, and 21. It wasn't until they started launching themselves from the nest, that I found I had time or energy to date other people than my kids' father. One of my daughters was special needs, which added to the time and energy drain.

There are a good deal of threads here on poly and kids. You can do a term or tag search.
 
Everyone is different.

FWIW? I don't think it is selfish to ask him to attend to you, his pregnant wife and his children. Us? We closed not just for baby year but for ALL of parenting years. Parenting is HARD. If the people weren't there before the babies? Like already solidly poly established? Not gonna start another "project" in the middle of the "kid projects." I can wait til empty nest.

Depending on how big the company at work is? I think taking up with a coworker could be really "messy." I would skip that situation entirely myself.

So I think he picked a challenging person to poly date as well as a challenging time of life to poly date.

Do you mean you are monoamorous? You want to love 1 sweetie? If you are "relationship shape flexible" then you can be ok in a (monogamous shape that is 1:1) or an ("end point" person in a poly V or similar poly network.)

If you mean you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (want to be in a 1:1 relationship shape, no other people) -- then I guess you may have to do some soul searching.

Because it may be harder to ignore/deal with it now that he's dating a "real" and local person and not some online/phone thing.


The only real questions I have at the moment are whether this will get easier?

That is outcome. You cannot know it ahead of time. You can talk about some stuff to try to minimize pitfalls.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Maybe these also help guide your talks.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

And was it selfish of me to ask him to focus on our children and me for the first 2 weeks after the baby arrives this summer? I wouldn't have asked but I know that a new baby is an adjustment for everyone. It'll be especially difficult for our toddler because she's used to being the baby.

I wonder why you think articulating that you needing help is selfish? And why only two weeks? Isn't he responsible for children too?

Are you dependent on him entirely? So you don't feel safe asking or speaking your truth because he might up and leave you with all these kids? Not trying to be mean here... just saying that sometimes there can be a power imbalance if one person is the stay at home parent. I'm not entirely sure consent can be freely given if that person is also a dependent. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
From a male perspective here. And I do emphasise that - "everyone is different". So all we can do is share opinions and experiences.

Personally I'm amazed that he feels he has the time or sexual interest in seeing another woman if he already has 4 kids and another on the way. Unless he isn't much of a family man that is.

From my conversations with other male friends is that basically, if he's not getting sexual gratification every so often then he will end up seeking it from another woman. However! I've known a lot of people who would disagree with this. Hence what I said in my first sentence here - everyone is different.

People are reluctant to talk about "negative things" about their relationships. Couples who talk about and accept them know how to work around them.
 
Last edited:
From a male perspective here. And I do emphasise that - "everyone is different". So all we can do is share opinions and experiences.

Personally I'm amazed that he feels he has the time or sexual interest in seeing another woman if he already has 4 kids and another on the way. Unless he isn't much of a family man that is.

From my conversations with other male friends is that basically, if he's not getting sexual gratification every so often then he will end up seeking it from another woman. However! I've known a lot of people who would disagree with this. Hence what I said in my first sentence here - everyone is different.

People are reluctant to talk about "negative things" about their relationships. Couples who talk about and accept them know how to work around them.

This is so true. I admit, when I had 3 kids in 5 years, my libido tanked. Also, my ex h and I didn't have the greatest relationship. It was good in some ways, kinda crap in other ways. Hence, he became my ex.

But anyway, we planned for me to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom. We also practiced attachment parenting, long term breastfeeding. And my kids all needed lots of physical contact, so we did family bed.

Family bed wasn't a deterrent to sex. We could get them to sleep and go have sex in the guest room or whatever. But my tiredness was what kept my libido low. I'd get so touched out by the end of the day. And my ex was an old school dad. He really did no cooking or housework. So that was all on me, and also, I resented it.

But once my youngest kid turned 5, was sleeping through the night, could dress himself, etc., our sex life improved so dramatically. We had tons of sex in the ensuing years, even though our marriage ended for other reasons. My ex admitted when our sex life was nearly nil, he used to go to a strip bar on the way home from work now and then. He'd been afraid to tell me, but when he finally admitted it in couple's counseling, I was fine with it! I didn't mind at all since I knew his libido was high even when mine was down.
 
This is so true. I admit, when I had 3 kids in 5 years, my libido tanked. Also, my ex h and I didn't have the greatest relationship. It was good in some ways, kinda crap in other ways. Hence, he became my ex.

But anyway, we planned for me to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom. We also practiced attachment parenting, long term breastfeeding. And my kids all needed lots of physical contact, so we did family bed.

Family bed wasn't a deterrent to sex. We could get them to sleep and go have sex in the guest room or whatever. But my tiredness was what kept my libido low. I'd get so touched out by the end of the day. And my ex was an old school dad. He really did no cooking or housework. So that was all on me, and also, I resented it.

But once my youngest kid turned 5, was sleeping through the night, could dress himself, etc., our sex life improved so dramatically. We had tons of sex in the ensuing years, even though our marriage ended for other reasons. My ex admitted when our sex life was nearly nil, he used to go to a strip bar on the way home from work now and then. He'd been afraid to tell me, but when he finally admitted it in couple's counseling, I was fine with it! I didn't mind at all since I knew his libido was high even when mine was down.
I sometimes wonder if my older sisters husband does the same, they're in their late 40's, have young children together. I'm on friends-basis with him and I can sense some things via "reading through the lines" of what he says about other women. He's a trucker who travels all over the country, cutting a long story short here I think he has visited female escorts. And about 6-12 months ago I was having a heart to heart discussion with her when I had the impression that she might want to sleep with some young guy. Then a few months ago I asked her how are they both "together" and her response was that she genuinely thinks they will be together forever.

I've always had a high sex drive, my long term girlfriend actually usually has a higher sex drive than me, she often flirts with other guys when she's out (um, from what I'm told anyways). Yet she always comes back to me, which I've never understood why - she's a total hotty so I often thinks to myself why hasn't she dumped me for that other more good looking guy with a fitter body than me, I'm an introvert she's an extrovert, its ironic for me to say but - she's just plain weird.

When you think of the sheer amount of married couples divorcing, and young unmarried couples who constantly split up. You'd think that poly and open relationships would become vastly more common these days. And yet its still frowned upon in some way or another.

I'm a man, if I was to tell me friends and/or work colleagues that I'm sharing my girlfriend with another guy I'd be absolutely slaughtered by them for allowing it, yet if I had 2 girlfriends in the same bed I'd be an absolute god to them. But if a woman is known to be sleeping with 2 boyfriends then she's a horrible slut.

You just can't win.
 
I've always had a high sex drive, my long term girlfriend actually usually has a higher sex drive than me, she often flirts with other guys when she's out (um, from what I'm told anyways). Yet she always comes back to me, which I've never understood why - she's a total hotty - so I often think to myself why hasn't she dumped me for that other more good looking guy with a fitter body than me? I'm an introvert she's an extrovert, its ironic for me to say but - she's just plain weird.

Haha. You're charmingly modest, that's probably one of the reasons she likes you! ;) And there are many qualities more important than a super fit body, believe me. The soul is what counts.

When you think of the sheer amount of married couples divorcing, and young unmarried couples who constantly split up. You'd think that poly and open relationships would become vastly more common these days. And yet its still frowned upon in some way or another.

It's coming though. Lots of millennials have heard of, or are attempting to practice polyamory. Of course, they often botch it because they are young and don't know themselves well yet, and find one relationship hard enough, much less being a hinge in a V. (My adult daughter tried poly in her early 20s and it was a mess. But at least she understood the concept and didn't judge me for having started to practice it.)

I'm a man, if I was to tell my friends and/or work colleagues that I'm sharing my girlfriend with another guy I'd be absolutely slaughtered by them for allowing it, yet if I had 2 girlfriends in the same bed I'd be an absolute god to them. But if a woman is known to be sleeping with 2 boyfriends then she's a horrible slut.

You just can't win.

Well, that's just the patriarchy for you. Conservative men are asshats, what can I say? It's a horrible double standard, and needs to be called out. Women have every right to have more than one lover, just as any man does.

I am sorry you have to be around jerks like that at work every day. I'd want to punch someone's lights out. And if your friends are like that, I'd say you need new hipper cooler friends.

I had 4 boyfriends way back in the summer of 1974, when I was 18 going on 19, in between my freshman and sophomore year at college. I wasn't banging all 4, just 3. Though I did often make out with the one I wasn't fucking. And I also had a one time sex 3way with one of my best platonic gfs and her bf that summer. :eek: ;) :) LOL I was, and am, a feminist. I have autonomy and ownership of my own body.

If I could do it way back in the 20th century, surely it should be OK in the last weeks of 2018.
 
Last edited:
I'm a man, if I was to tell me friends and/or work colleagues that I'm sharing my girlfriend with another guy I'd be absolutely slaughtered by them for allowing it, yet if I had 2 girlfriends in the same bed I'd be an absolute god to them. But if a woman is known to be sleeping with 2 boyfriends then she's a horrible slut.

Magdlyn is right - get better friends and/or coworkers! I mean, I do run in fairly liberal-to-leftist circles, so I suppose there's that, but as far as I know no one in either my, Knight's, or Artist's social circles thinks I or either of my female metas are sluts... and Artist is even out at work.

Or if you feel like an uphill slog you could start challenging their views of "ownership" - the way you phrased ""slaughtered for allowing it" is some serious misogyny I'm gonna assume is theirs and not yours but still!
 
By the way, you aren't "allowing" your gf to fuck others (or just flirt or whatever). You're consenting. You're not her parent or owner, you're her poly partner. She consents to you having other romantic partners, you consent to her having others as well. 50-50. Equals. Gender doesn't matter.

Also, btw, my female partner and I, and many other autonomous women (and men and non gender conforming folks) have reclaimed the word slut as a positive. The book Ethical Slut (about poly) came out when? 1998? 20 years ago!

So your patriarchal narrow-minded friends might think your gf is a slut (in a non-reclaimed way) and you're a stud, but they are WRONG. They are just old fashioned privileged jerks.
 
I am not the least bit surprised that you are having difficult feelings about your husband dating a co-worker and during this phase of your life.
I can understand why you feel selfish, but disagree that you should feel that way. Be much kinder to yourself. I know that's a tall order.

I too am surprised that with a pregnancy wife and 4 kids you're husband thinks he has time for another relationship right now. My husband tells me all the time that me and the 3 girls take up all his energy, in a good way, but still it leaves little to manage a healthy other relationship.

I can tell you that I have had "those nights" and yes they do get a million times easier. Last year when my husband would go out on a date I would be physically ill all night, not bc I wanted to be or that I felt it was at all logical, it was just what happened, fast forward a year and my bf went on a date. I expected to be sick, I made plans to keep busy, but I never felt bad, nervous, sick. I was surprisingly fine.
Now, add in pregnancy hormones and I can't tell you how I'd react.

For me, a new baby would be all the change I could handle in my life.

I have no current plans for a 4th baby, but from the get go I told both my partners that if I got pregnant I would ask them to stop seeking dates. I would require more time and energy. My bf said he would treat it like he would an extended illness, although he's not calling pregnancy an illness.
We wouldn't do harm to current relationships, but no new ones would be sought out.

If it's the time, I'd start reading and learning as much as you can to prepare yourself mentally for possible future challenges and do a lot of soul searching.

I can imagine the stress you are in right now and I don't think you should hide that from your husband.

I can also see why you are saying 2weeks, but his gf should be willing and encouraging to your husband to take all the time either of you need for the new baby. His gf should also be aware and happy that he puts his kids first. If she's anything less I see red flags.

My bf knew from the start my kids come first and he expected nothing less. He has no desire to injure the family that was already here when he came into my life and continues to support a healthy family, including now that he is part of it and it's health.

I encourage you to journal somewhere to get your feelings out and on those nights you are really in the throws of yuck feelings post here! W've all been there in one way or another.

Remember you are reacting to all of this very normally and that this is especially hard given your circumstance.

I would even be tempted to tell my husband how poorly timed this new relationship is and considering back-burnering it for a time, since it seems to be fairly new.

Any new poly relationship has challenges, theres a lot of negotiation to be doing and you two have even more challenges on top if it.

It sounds like you love one another, thats a good place to speak from.

I'm rooting for you!
 
I'm monogamous.

I don't know what I was, but my wife turned me poly. She's monogamous.

My husband is unique.

You love your husband, eh? Unique in the annals of human history, but I am willing to roll with that assumption. :p

We've been together almost 10 years, legally married for 7.

Coming up on 11 here. Best years of our lives.

I was a virgin when we met and he's been my only serious partner.

I am her first boyfriend.

We have 4 children and another on the way.

Two here. Kids are the greatest invention, better than fire, bread, and toasters, in the history of mankind.

He admitted to being poly from the start but he hasn't had an additional physical relationship since we met. There were a couple of long distance relationships that took place entirely over the phone and through text messages. Other people would consider those emotional cheating I guess but I knew about them and completely approved. There were no negative feelings at all.

Recently he started seeing a coworker. I don't know all the details.

I'm surprised you haven't shot him yet. Kidding of course, but the result was predictable because it has been a "we'll just see what happens" planning basis, no ground rules, and he seems to be acting without prior consent.

My wife is in charge of mistresses. She wanted me to have this in my life, or have it in our lives, so without me knowing about this fantasy she tried to engineer it into our lives gradually. But as I realized what she was up to, I took active participation in forward planning, by reading up on it first.

She did have very effective ground rules from the outset, like "not in our front yard", so to speak, and "not in the family". It has to be separate locations, separate household, and meeting beforehand.

Polyamory is different for everyone, but one great comfort to my wife is knowing she is in charge. This is not a recommendation, but for you to see that things are really clear in our case of poly. The wife has never done this, but if she said "dump her", I would dump her in an instant.

If your wife is holding on to your arm and bird-dogging concubines for you, then everyone knows what everyone else's position is. You've talked about what you are doing before you go out for the evening.

It isn't like her little sister pulls up her shirt in front of you after her big sister goes to sleep. You have to turn that down. I did. Of course I did. Because that would be a violation of the rule that my wife is in charge and she has to know beforehand if something comes my way independently.

But this work fling, it just landed in your lap. At this time of maximum security needs, a gal really wants her husband to give her that security with some forward planning. So everyone knows what tomorrow brings, and the next day, and the next until the new kid is on his own.

My empathy for you is logic-based. Your DNA shouts for security, and polyamory can be extremely secure, like in the case of my wife.

To say we are polyamorous and leave it at that... my goodness, this is not a secure relationship. Poly with your mom, daughter, my boss, your boss, the mayor, and the homeless?

So it seems we need some communication here about what kind of boundaries there are. "Don't dip your pen in the company inkwell" was something our accounting department head said to me when I got my first managerial position. That wasn't from a wife, but from a pretty important senior career associate.

Here again, apprehension about mixing sex and career is logic-based and security-driven, not an objection to polyamory.
 
Back
Top