Let's Talk About Sex...

I told Hubby yesterday that the last two times we had sex were unpleasant and uncomfortable for me, and that I need him to knock off the "I'm going to hold back until she comes a zillion times" bullshit because I do NOT enjoy it.

He said, "Okay. Thanks for telling me."

That was the end of the conversation. Whether it did any good or not remains to be seen, and may be irrelevant... I chose to start having sex with him again because, well, I wanted to have sex. And he was the only option. But even though I'm not in the place of "I don't want sex at all" right now, I'd prefer no sex to sex that I don't like, so I guess I might be back where I was a few weeks ago. That wouldn't give Hubby any opportunity to show whether he can actually listen and change his behavior, but given past experience, I don't know that I have much hope for that anyway...
 
Hmmm, it's really hard to know what he's thinking, based on what little he said. I guess you'd have to wait and see if he honored your request with his actions.
 
Or just not have sex with him, which often seems to be the easier course of action because then I don't have to play guessing games about whether he's going to remember or respect the things I've told him.
 
Sorry. That was me being cynical again. We haven't talked since I said that to him, so I have no idea what's going on in his mind at this point.
 
Well whatever happens, it needs to be with your consent ... so, if you're not feeling like having sex with him, you should definitely abstain. I'm just sorry if he's already ruined things, you know?
 
I'm sorry that you're still struggling KC43 :(
I found that I had to have a similar conversation with Droid that whilst it was great to give me several orgasms, I did get frustrated with him not cumming. After several discussions we have finally found a good compromise for us both.
Nerdist is more compatible with what I want/need when it comes to sex. He understands that whilst I'm all for giving me lots of pleasure (and know that he gets off on it and enjoys it too), I also need him to cum in a timely fashion as I get off on that.
I hope that after your discussion with hubby that things will improve the next time you guys have sex.
 
It drives Mal insane that I don't cum. He is a great lover, and I enjoy everything we do, but it can take hours (or longer) of masturbation for me to cum at all... That he's managed it twice in our relationship is more than I've ever cum with anyone else. Ever. I'd he kept banging away like that until I came multiple times we'd both be rubbed raw!

Until this week I never felt guilty with him that I didn't cum. He's the first one I never ever 'faked it' with. This week, the day after I told him I was so grateful he didn't make me feel guilty about that.... he made me feel guilty about it. I don't want to fake it with him. I wish he could just accept this is the way my body is, and I'm ok with it. I still enjoy our sexy times. I just don't want the performance anxiety around HAVING to cum to satisfy him.

How do I get him to hear that? And understand it?
 
Kevin and Sonja, thank you. In my case, in many ways Hubby and I are more sexually compatible than S2 and I (assuming S2 and I were still having sex, which we aren't, but anyway)... but as far as the reasons for having sex and the desired outcome, S2 and I are more compatible. He and I both see sex as a way to deepen our emotional connection; it's about making each other feel good as well, but it's more about the physical closeness and the emotions that go along with us. The biggest thing that's making me okay with not having sex with him right now is that we still cuddle, and even if we're fully clothed, the cuddling still gives both of us that closeness, intimacy, and emotions.

Hubby, on the other hand, sees sex as being about proving something. Proving that he's good at it. Proving that he can make his partner feel good. Proving that he can feel good too. With him also, it's about the physical closeness and connection, but there's no emotional intimacy or connection involved. And it's about making sure his partner gets off.

Prime example: For a few months earlier this year, I was on an antidepressant that pretty much made me unable to orgasm through masturbation or through the usual sexual activities with either of the guys. I was warned that one side effect was lowering of libido, but I respond unpredictably to meds, so my libido was actually higher than without the meds. I just couldn't come.

Both men, in humorous non-pressurey ways, said they were taking that as a challenge. But S2's version of "taking it as a challenge" was joking with me, being playful, finding humor in trying things that were awkward and weird but that he thought might make me come. He never actually *expected* me to come; he just hoped I would. Whereas Hubby's version of taking it as a challenge was becoming very intense, focused, and serious on the ultimate goal of getting me off. It wasn't fun; it was a competition where he was apparently trying to compete with the medication. Even though his statement that he would take it as a challenge was non-pressurey, his methods of trying to meet the challenge did make me feel pressured, frustrated, and even angry.

Despite the medication, with S2, I didn't have trouble orgasming. I didn't come as many times as without the meds, but I came. With Hubby... nope. Not at all. Because S2 didn't see the challenge so much as making me come, as helping me relax and enjoy myself whether I came or not, and he hoped I would come because he knows I like to come; Hubby flat-out saw the challenge as making me come, and he wanted me to come to show him that he could meet the challenge.

S2 once referred to sex with me as "making love." I despise that phrasing for a number of reasons, but from him it didn't rankle me as much as it has from the other partners who've used it, because for him--and for me with him--love genuinely is a factor in it. (Even though he says he doesn't love me.) But when Hubby calls it making love, my immediate, automatic response every time is, "No, it's fucking, love has nothing to do with it"--because that's how it feels with him. Sex and love are completely separate things.

A2Poly, your problem with orgasming is along the lines of the reason I avoid receiving oral sex... It's difficult for me to come from oral, and partners in the past have put pressure on me to come when they've gone down on me because otherwise they felt like they weren't man enough or some shit. Because of the pressure, I started faking orgasms during oral, and now I can't come at all from it because I'm worried that I won't come soon enough, so I either push them away or fake it.

If you've had pressure or guilt trips from other partners for not being able to orgasm, it's no wonder you find it difficult! And I'm sorry Mal put guilt on you for it, especially after you told him how much you appreciated him not doing that.

Can you explain to him that for you, sex with him is about feeling good and feeling close, not about getting off? That the things he does are wonderful and you love being so physically close with him, and coming isn't what you're looking for? Some people, no matter how understanding they are, can't get past the idea that sex is supposed to have a definable ending, and that definable ending is supposed to be an orgasm. If there's a way to convince Mal that for you, sex is about the process, not the outcome, he might not have so much of an issue with it.

It's also, in my opinion, important for him to realize that by not accepting that you can't orgasm, or at least can't do so easily, he's disrespecting you and acting as though you're being dishonest. He's expecting you to change something that isn't within your control, and that isn't fair to you.
 
Last edited:
Resurrecting this thread after a couple of months because things have changed...

Hubby, surprisingly, has so far made good on his statement that he wants our marriage to work and wants sex to be enjoyable for me. He's been consistently doing the things he says he'll do, and has even been willing to drop everything on one of his days off to run an errand for me when I didn't feel up to it. In the past, he wouldn't even leave the house on his days off, but he's done this for me several times now.

He's also been more affectionate toward me, and has made a point of trying harder to interact with me. We're still having a problem with him staying at work until the wee hours of the morning, but he's now at least texting me to let me know he's staying down there, and he tries to make up for it by waking up early enough to have a little time with me before he goes to work. He told me that he regrets the way he acted all spring and into the summer, and that I deserve to feel loved and cherished and he wants to do what he can to make me feel that way.

Sex still gets a bit repetitious, but he is now listening to me when I tell him I need him to either come or quit, and he isn't as offended when I say my mind's wandering because he now understands that that's more about my issues than about him.

Meanwhile... Magdlyn, if you read this, I thought of your advice, particularly about finding other partners, when I met Boots... because with Boots, for the first time in my life, I have a partner with whom I am entirely confident and comfortable sexually.

The first time we had sex, *I* initiated. I said I wanted to go into his place with him; I started kissing him; I said "Okay, why don't you show me your room now". And once we were in bed, I had absolutely NO hesitation about touching him or doing whatever I wanted to do, after I told him to speak up if he didn't like something and promised him I would do the same.

And that was the *first* time. We've only had sex twice since, because of his previous living situation, but each time it's been better than the time before. Now that he's in his own place (he was previously staying with his girlfriend's mother between apartments), hopefully the sex will be an "every time we see each other" thing. Boots is into VERY extended foreplay, as in hours if time allows (hours broken up by short breaks for cuddling and conversation), and since he has to use a condom with me and is still getting used to having sex with me, intercourse sometimes lasts longer than I would usually prefer. But with him, I don't get bored. My mind doesn't wander. At all.

Don't know what it is about him, but with him I am completely uninhibited. He asked me to tell him one of my sexual fantasies... and I was able to actually tell him. Usually when a guy asks me that, I freeze. Even with Guy, who was the one I was most comfortable *talking to* about sex (even though he was the one I was least comfortable having sex with). But when Boots asked, even though he had to nudge me a couple of times to go on describing it, I was able to.

Since we've only been seeing each other a month, and have only been able to have sex three times, we're still getting used to each other, but we've already set our limits. We've already established blanket consent for each of us to do or ask for whatever we want within those boundaries, and have promised each other to speak up if something isn't okay. That last... he asked me to promise that before he even kissed me the first night we fucked, because consent is HUGE for him as well, and even that early on, he knew enough about me to figure out that I have a tendency *not* to speak up sometimes because I don't want to upset my partner.

With S2...I couldn't accept "blanket consent." With Boots, it works. Again, I don't know what it is about him. Maybe he's just less "issuey" about sex in general than S2 and Hubby... Whatever it is, it's good, anyway.
 
That sounds like good news to me. :)
 
I think you are taking steps along the way. Each guy has been part of your journey to healthy, joyful, self-respecting, sexuality! You seek sex that is both physically and emotionally safe and satisfying. And each time YOU make progress, a new person comes along to fit you at the point you've reached.

But it's nice that even Hubby has made some improvements in that area.

It reminds of job descriptions. Like when I first started wanting to be a florist. First I took a class in floral design. But when I got my first job, all I was allowed to do was sweep floors and make deliveries. I could run the register and help customers pick out a nice color coordinated selection to wrap in paper. Finally I was allowed to do extremely simple flower arrangements.

Next job, I was able to do simple to medium-difficult arrangements, and spent less time doing deliveries. But my boss was very critical of my floral designs.

Next place, I was able to do any type of design, and run the shop entirely on my own, with my own key and everything. But if I'd stayed at the first place, my boss had her head designer and I would've still be doing the most menial work.

I am sure others can relate to needing to change jobs to mature in your field. In love, sometimes we think we have to stay with the partner or spouse from our early 20s (or even our high school sweetheart), when it would be healthier and happier to move on to someone who is where we have evolved to, emotionally. Our original partner doesn't always keep up, and indeed, sometimes we grow in different directions. But mono people often stay with the old partner out of loyalty or stubbornness or fear, or plain old mono brainwashing.
 
That's a good analogy. And yeah... I believe people enter our lives when we're ready to have them there, for specific purposes even if we don't know what they are, so I definitely agree that the guys are showing up when I'm at a point of being able to accept what they're offering, sexually and otherwise.
 
*like*
 
Back
Top