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  #1  
Old 07-07-2011, 04:39 AM
Aleighagurl Aleighagurl is offline
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Question In love with two people (and "What would you do?")

Let me start by telling you my story:

I'm a female and I've been with a good man for 5 years now. We've had our ups and down and, as you can imagine, our love is more stable and companionate than it is lustful and passionate after so long together, but we're genuinely happy together. We've overcome a lot of hurdles together and I can honestly say he's my best friend in the world.

Our biggest issue? Our sex life is dying. Partly because we are in this routine of gentle supportive love only, partly because his libido is lower than mine, and partly because (while I still do have the desire to be intimate with him) I am considering that I may actually be gay rather than bi.

Recently I met a wonderful woman with some of the same qualities as my man (age, profession) and some polar opposite qualities (extroversion, and, well, gender). She's lovely and I really feel like I'm in love with her because I don't know how else to explain this infatuation and this pulling, urging, and even altruistic need to make her happy and help her in every way that I can.

I have been honest with everyone about everything and now I find myself in a long term relationship with a man and dating a woman with whom I feel like I have serious life-long potential. I'm pretty sure that makes me polyamorous but I think both of them are mono and I feel like I'm being, well, kinda greedy.

I love them both intensely but differently. He doesn't understand that, he needs to be the best, to be loved the 'most', to be the one and only primary. But on the other hand, she needs and deserves commitment and stability and not to be drug along the sidelines. I feel like I'm the middle man in this juggling act and the uncertainty of where my relationships stand is stressing the heck out of me.

I'm asking for a bit of advice here. In the mono-centric world my options are dump her, dump him, or dump them both. But here my options are much greater. I'm hoping that by asking you what you would do, I can get some insight into what my options are. I have no idea how this can or will work out but I have to give it a shot because, at this point, losing either one of them will be painful and I like to hope there's some other way.

Thank you for your advice, comments, and support. <3
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  #2  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:23 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hello and welcome to the forum!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aleighagurl View Post
Our biggest issue? Our sex life is dying. Partly because we are in this routine of gentle supportive love only, partly because his libido is lower than mine, and partly because (while I still do have the desire to be intimate with him) I am considering that I may actually be gay rather than bi.
How long has this continued? Is there still physical touch and non-sexual intimacy? Do you still have sex where he caresses you etc. despite his lower libido? Has he always been this way or is there a specific point in time when his interest in sex started to wane? Have you tried things like going on a getaway together or breaking the routine in some other way?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aleighagurl View Post
I'm pretty sure that makes me polyamorous but I think both of them are mono and I feel like I'm being, well, kinda greedy.
Never having been in a mono/poly-situation myself, I think that as long as everyone is getting what they want out of the relationships, and everyone has the freedom to pursue other interests if it turns out they are not so mono after all, it has nothing to do with you being greedy and everything to do with you being yourself. At this point, like you said, it would cruel and unfair and serve no purpose to dumb either one for the other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aleighagurl View Post
He doesn't understand that, he needs to be the best, to be loved the 'most', to be the one and only primary. But on the other hand, she needs and deserves commitment and stability and not to be drug along the sidelines. I feel like I'm the middle man in this juggling act and the uncertainty of where my relationships stand is stressing the heck out of me.
I suspect a lot of his insecurity has to do with the fact of your infrequent sex life and the fear that if you truly are gay, you will eventually want to end the romantic aspects of your relationship with him in favour of the woman in your life. What kind of juggling have you had to do thus far? Have they talked with each other, met each other? Do you have a regular date schedule?
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 07-07-2011 at 06:28 AM.
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  #3  
Old 07-07-2011, 01:02 PM
Aleighagurl Aleighagurl is offline
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@Black Unicorn:

Thank you for your reply! Let's see if I can format my response correctly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
How long has this continued? Is there still physical touch and non-sexual intimacy? Do you still have sex where he caresses you etc. despite his lower libido? Has he always been this way or is there a specific point in time when his interest in sex started to wane? Have you tried things like going on a getaway together or breaking the routine in some other way?
Ever since he began a certain medication of which lower libido is a common side effect, so for about 1.5-2 years. We still hug and cuddle...less than we used to but that intimate touch still exists, thankfully. The routine is hard to break because of our jobs, but we've started date evenings which I hoped would lead to sex nights but that didn't really happen, but the dates are, nonetheless, a quite wonderful to our relationship. It's so easy to get caught up in the passivity of it all after so long together, you know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I suspect a lot of his insecurity has to do with the fact of your infrequent sex life and the fear that if you truly are gay, you will eventually want to end the romantic aspects of your relationship with him in favour of the woman in your life. What kind of juggling have you had to do thus far? Have they talked with each other, met each other? Do you have a regular date schedule?
That insecurity makes a lot of sense; is there a way I can convince him that he is still precious to me and I want to be romantic without pressuring him for sex (which I used to do and he would complain about).

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
What kind of juggling have you had to do thus far? Have they talked with each other, met each other? Do you have a regular date schedule?
I've tried to schedule to spend the night with one or the other and right now its her two nights a week and him the rest which is okay by me since he will be moving to a new job (a couple hours away) next month and I will only be able to see him on weekends. (I'm not extremely worried about this as we've sailed through the long-distance thing before but I AM worried that I might become clingy toward or over-dependent on my new girlfriend).

The met each other once, and we all went out to dinner together. That was a task in and of itself! I had to think about things I've never had to worry about before...like who pays for what, where do we sit (and why tables are preferable to booths), and even who I look at, who's hand I hold (in anyone's)...it was very taxing but I think they got along fine. If you have advice on how to be inclusive when you're out with more than one person that would be much appreciated as well.

Thanks again!
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:12 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Wow we're in basically identical situations.

I'm also so confused as to what to do and how to not hurt anyone. I know a lot of bi girls go through "phases" if you will of being more attracted to girls or guys but I'm having trouble figuring out how to get past this if it is just a phase and keep my boyfriend from being unhappy or leaving me. I love him, he's the person I trust more than anyone, he means so much to me and makes me feel so secure. He has never had as high of a sex drive as me though.

Throughout the first few yrs we've been together I would try to initiate sex very often but he couldn't get into it as much or often and it kind of made me feel rejected so I got discouraged. We had some ups in our sex life when we brought other girls in with us and that made us both more excited. Things didn't work out too well with a girl we were both dating so I gave up on that and happened to meet the girl of my dreams shortly after that ended. She is a lesbian so she's not someone we're dating together.

We hit it off phenomenally in bed the kind of sex I've always dreamed of... It felt like a light turned on in my head and something clicked since I've met her and nothing feels more right than being with a woman not just sexually but emotionally and romantically. The passion I have with her is like nothing I've ever felt before and she just drives me wild.

It's sooo lovely but also sad on the other hand. I'm so confused about how to feel. Being so utterly satisfied with her has made me sad and resent the fact that I've never had this kind of passion with my bf. He is my rock, he understands me, he's one of the smartest people I know and most influential people in my life. He's taught me so much and I love who he is. I love what he's about, I love his family, his way of thinking, and we've always made a great team. But.... I am just not interested in him sexually anymore. I try to make an effort and get it on. I try to do what I know makes him feel good and I try to show him what I like but it feels awkward and upsetting. I love him to death but the thought of being with a man just isn't doing it for me. I'm going to keep trying but also keeping the door open for him to be with other women if I can't give him everything he needs. I guess we'll just have to see where this goes and see if my feelings change. Sorry for the novel just thought you may be able to relate.
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  #5  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:32 PM
Aleighagurl Aleighagurl is offline
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@Hellokitty

Oh my god, wow. We ARE in identical situations. Everything you describe about each of them is like exactly how I feel about each of mine. Thank you for your post. I know what you're going through is hard, but its nice not to feel so alone. <3

Anyone out there know of any situation where this kind of polyamory has worked out?
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:05 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Ahhhh, welcome to poly land. Place where juggling is mandatory

It doesn't sound like you are gay/lesbian so much as you are experiencing some NRE over your girlfriend. That's cool. Why not, you aren't getting your sex needs met at home. I think I would just try and keep those feelings of possible gayness at bay for now and wait it out.

For a time I thought I was done with my husband because I was so over the top in love with Mono. It passed in time and I think it was a really good idea, in hindsight, to shelf those feelings as much as I could until our NRE passed and I could look at everything without rose coloured glasses...

It sounds like the sex thing might be a bit of an issue to him if he is concerned about being number one etc. and he doesn't have much sex any more. It sounds like he might feel threatened by her. Even more so if he knows he will be away for work and you will be around her more.

I think if I were you I would absolutely douse him with loving words, things he likes (his favourite meal or for instance), little notes, arrange special dates and holidays... that kind of thing. Show him now more than ever that he means something to you and that although you are getting your needs met elsewhere and love someone else also, that you are not about to abandon what you have built together.

As to her I think I would make sure that she knows that you will be lonely when he is gone and that you intend to do your best to stay connected to him and that you might need some help to do so by her reminding you to and giving you a little nudge in that direction if you get to needy. At the same time, this is a great time to really get to know her and spend quality time with her... really see what your relationship with her could become.


His being away is also a good time to spend with yourself. Really take a good look at what you want for your future, start something new, do some soul searching.... a good connection with yourself (you are you own primary) will make all your other relationships much easier to manage. At least in my experience.

This is all possible, it just takes time and pacing. There is no rush to have it all settled. The journey is what it is all about. Not the destination. Give it a chance and allow them to adjust. Allow your self to adjust. Just see what unfolds as it will and as it should.
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  #7  
Old 08-15-2013, 12:49 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default if he really is all that

then he will understand, and if he really is all that, you are making a mistake putting yourself through all this emotional turmoil, as it is all for not.

I wouldn't call having the courage to be yourself greedy, however being so worried that you might lose him if you were honest with him is closer to what I would call greedy.

Yes there are many individuals who go through life in denial, so people need to deny the truth because living the truth would be so scary that they know it would be too much.

But the truth is, it will set you free

For as much as "poly" people seem to think they have it all figured out, very few actually do, and while those few may be able to give you great advice that you might think is going to get you the results you have set as your goals, more than likely it won't. The only reason a person would be able to give you better advice when it comes to your life, if because you are not in tune with yourself. The sooner you learn who you really are, the better off you'll be.

As not being sure about who you are, will always lead to second guessing yourself, and there will always be some well intentioned (and sometimes not) person claiming to trust them, because they know, but unless they know better than you know yourself, it is a mistake to trust anyone but yourself or those you have enlisted whom you have decided you can trust while working on getting to know yourself, as a person can accomplish in a year with a genuine friend, what would take a lifetime alone, as unless you were taught as a child the how to know and trust yourself, you will need the honest opinion of a friend because the world is still yet full of those who deceive .

Whenever you have someone in your life, whether they be a friend or lover whom is a genuine friend, it is impossible for me to describe the sense of enjoying your life that is possible, if you would only let it. Most people "alive" today do not understand what it means to have "earned a living"

Most people cannot comprehend the freedom that honesty affords them, and I cannot begin to describe the sense of "knowing" that comes from the gifts of simple relationships that are nothing more than a genuine friend.

That genuine friend is so much more important than being in any romantic relationship and should you be lucky enough to bitten by a romance from a genuine friend, you are not only the richest person in the world, you are also the luckiest

if either one of your girlfriends or boy friends really are all that, the most foolish decision you will ever make in your lifetime, is to not share your life completely with a person who will or would have understood you and been genuinely supportive as they what enables a person the surety in life that they have always made the right choice, which is a powerful and empowering feeling when it doesn't include an aspect of denying the truth in order to believe it

When you find a person worthy to share your life with, without restrictions, do not let anything prevent you from sharing it completely, because you will end up regretting it
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Old 08-15-2013, 01:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Our biggest issue? Our sex life is dying.
  • Partly because we are in this routine of gentle supportive love only (Could change the routine)
  • partly because his libido is lower than mine (he could get a check up, esp if he is of andropause age)
  • and partly because I am considering that I may actually be gay rather than bi. (Sounds more like NRE to me. But if it turns out you are more gay than bi... then it seems you have to let him go as a "lover/BF" and allow it to change to "friends.")

Quote:
I really feel like I'm in love with her because I don't know how else to explain this infatuation and this pulling, urging, and even altruistic need to make her happy and help her in every way that I can.
It can be explained with "it is infatuation, NRE, a crush." It's the brain chemistry. If you want to pursue it, keep being around her. You want it to die down? Stop dating her.

Quote:
I have been honest with everyone about everything and now I find myself in a long term relationship with a man and dating a woman with whom I feel like I have serious life-long potential. I'm pretty sure that makes me polyamorous but I think both of them are mono and I feel like I'm being, well, kinda greedy.
What behavior leads you to conclude that they are each actually (monoamorous and monogamous)? And you are asking them to be in a polyship that they really don't want to be in? Are you observing/noticing mixed messages? They say they want to be there, but then act differently?

If they are both monoamorous (desire or capacity to love only one at a time) and they are willing to be in a polyship with you as the hinge person who is the shared sweetie... then you are in a polyship and you are the hinge with fully willing people.

Did they say they are willing to participate in a polyship like this? Is their expectation the same as yours -- a serious life long potential "V" polyship thing?
Or are their expectations something different? Is he expecting that you will date a while and "get it out of your system?" Is she expecting that you will date a while and "realize she has to dump him?"

You could ask them what their expectations are. You could ask them if they match your vision. Actually TALK to your partners and figure out how you all agree to be together and are all on the same page.

Quote:
I love them both intensely but differently. He doesn't understand that, he needs to be the best, to be loved the 'most', to be the one and only primary. But on the other hand, she needs and deserves commitment and stability and not to be drug along the sidelines.
This does not sound like everyone agrees on the open model relationship you are trying to practice and all are willing and happy to participate in a polyship with you as the hinge.

Is he/she having poly hell? Is he/she struggling with jealousy? Are you doing page 5 and 6 things with BOTH your people? Are you heading toward pitfalls?

Quote:
I feel like I'm the middle man in this juggling act and the uncertainty of where my relationships stand is stressing the heck out of me.
You are the hinge who has to keep both partners in mind when you choose to do things. If not knowing where you relationships stand is causing you stress? You could ask each partner where they stand so you can KNOW.
  • BF, where do (you and I) stand? Are you willing to be with me? And in the polyship... are you willing to be with me in a polyship too? Or JUST me? What is your preference?
  • GF, where do (you and I) stand? Are you willing to be with me? And in the polyship... are you willing to be with me in a polyship too? Or JUST me? What is your preference?

You already know you want to be with each. And that you also want to be in a polyship. But that's 1 person's preferences, not all 3. Could ask the questions you need to ask. If you are afraid to ask? Ask anyway.

Quote:
I'm asking for a bit of advice here. In the mono-centric world my options are dump her, dump him, or dump them both. But here my options are much greater.
To me the option is still the same -- you talk it out with your people and sort it out.

You could not avoid having the hard conversations you need to be having to assess the viability of this arrangement. If you spot potential conflict, could do conflict resolution.

If he is not willing and able to be there in polyship with joy in his heart? He's doing it "for you" rather than for himself and is simmering in resentment? He is not looking out for his best interests by not having the convo and and neither are you looking out for your partner by not having the convo.

If she is not willing and able to be there in polyship with joy in her heart? She's doing it "for you" and not for herself and is simmering in fears she's going to get thrown by the way side at some point? She is not looking out for her best interests by not having the convo and neither are you looking out for your partner by not having the convo.

If you are noticing people are unhappy and noticing YOU are stressy? You are not looking out for your emotional health and mental health by not having the convo. That adds to the stress, not take away from the stress.

You could take the initiative and talk to them then and not turn a blind eye. You could sit your people down and everyone lay out their wants, needs, and limits.

If the outcome is that things are not compatible here to be healthy polyship? And people don't all want to BE in polyship? You all could accept this isn't a runner, and you could break up with one or the other or both.

If the outcome is that they DO want to be in polyship but just don't like how it's running right now and/or need to grow some skills? You could all come to agreement on what changes to try next to see if that runs better.

Quote:
I have no idea how this can or will work out but I have to give it a shot because, at this point, losing either one of them will be painful and I like to hope there's some other way.
Could not link these two things together. Deal with them one at a time.

Quote:
I have no idea how this can or will work out but I have to give it a shot.
Cool. See if they are willing to give it a shot in a healthy way with you. TALK.

Because your 100% is only 33% of the fuel to run this polyship. It won't run just on your power. You don't have to have the whole thing figured out ahead of time -- that is impossible. But you do have to assess that ALL players are willing and able to be here in this with you and are on the same page for what open model you practice at this time and how you agree to treat each other in that model. If all 3 are putting in time/energy/effort? Alright. It might work out in the end.

Quote:
losing either one of them will be painful and I like to hope there's some other way.
Yes, breaking up sometimes painful. Yes, to hope there is another way is nice. So... play ball!

Talk and sort it out. Don't NOT talk just because you fear the answer might be "this polyship cannot fly like this and my partners are no long willing to participate."

Could get on with the show and move it forward while hoping for the best. Could focus on "hope" rather than "loss."

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2013 at 02:02 PM.
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  #9  
Old 08-15-2013, 01:44 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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ummm this post is from 2 years ago..
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Old 08-15-2013, 02:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Good ideas from other members, take what works and leave the rest.

I am not sure if you discussed your bi/poly nature and interest in having both a male and female partner before you fell for your girl. Did you? Or was it, fall for another first, then tell the h? It can take years for a partner to adjust to what you are proposing and already trying.

Let me just interject, YAY for great sex! I can relate... my live in-partner's sex drive waxes and wanes and is never as high as mine. Thank god for my bf.

I don't know how many meds your h tried, are there any alternatives that do not reduce his libido?

Have you read The Five Love Languages? Or seen the info online? Maybe your h could feel more loved in ways other than sex. Maybe if he read too, he could see how you don't feel that bonded or loved without the kind of sex you need, and be glad you've got gf for that need.

It is unfortunate he's going to be away for an extended period of time just now when he's feeling insecure. How have you stayed bonded in the past when separated? How will it differ this time?
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