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  #21  
Old 12-12-2009, 09:50 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Hmm, crisare, I'm not sure I see where you're coming from. I don't really know what to say.

Can you clarify what you mean by "demonize"? It seems that you see avoiding the word "need" as demonizing it? Or that by not using the word, it implies a negative connotation?

What I wrote was largely in response to what redsirenn wrote:
Quote:
I hear so often poly people talking about how one person can't fulfill all thier needs - thus one argument (for lack of a better word) for practicing poly.

I always think: "DUH!" Then why don't you go out there and fulfill them yourself instead of "needing" someone else to do it for you?
In my life, I do indeed mean that "different people access different parts of me". My lover 'D' and I geek out on natural building and my friend 'R' and I geek out on Scrabble. 'R' isn't anywhere near as interested in natural building as I am and 'D' isn't bothered by Scrabble one way or another.

It really boils down to how you define the word 'need'.

I also wrote:
Quote:
I have a penchant toward the word "need" simply because it's the language I've learned through NVC. I like to recognize which needs I am having that are/are not being met within myself when an emotion comes up.
I don't attach negativity to the word need. I do have difficulty with the word as an expression of love/affection. Although I don't think anyone should be subjected to examining their words so closely, I do wholeheartedly wish for a culture where people live consciously, including communicating consciously. When someone says, "I need you", what do they really mean? Do they know what they mean? Being aware of this is what interests me.

Hmm, for someone who didn't know what to say, I sure said a lot. LOL!
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  #22  
Old 12-12-2009, 10:11 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
Can you clarify what you mean by "demonize"? It seems that you see avoiding the word "need" as demonizing it? Or that by not using the word, it implies a negative connotation?
Well .. yes to both of those. In the context of this thread, "need" = bad (at least as I am reading the various responses).

I think the statement that "X person doesn't meet all my needs" is a valid statement. So why avoid using the word, when the word has the exact meaning that you're looking for? Putting together a more complex, roundabout, wordy way of saying the same thing seems to be demonizing the word "need" ... when actually it's the exact right word for the situation.

Quote:
I do have difficulty with the word as an expression of love/affection.
I agree with this. Which is why using the word in the context of "I need you" is something that people should think about more carefully. But that doesn't negate the value of the word in the sense that every person has needs.

I don't "need" any one person to live my life. I do "need" companionship, affection, and sex to be happy. Those are things I cannot provide for myself - I need someone else to provide those things for me.

All of those are valid statements and uses of the word "need" that, IMO, don't convey neediness or insecurity.
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  #23  
Old 12-14-2009, 04:04 AM
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I think we're saying the same things.
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  #24  
Old 01-03-2010, 04:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Another "needs" question:

I hear so often poly people talking about how one person can't fulfill all thier needs - thus one argument (for lack of a better word) for practicing poly.

I always think: "DUH!" Then why don't you go out there and fulfill them yourself instead of "needing" someone else to do it for you?

Any thoughts?

Fire away....
I suspect when you hear these statements they are probably relating to human interaction/interest. Ya know - the common everyday stuff - someone to share a particular interest with and learn from/share with. It's an important part of expanding our knowledge & connection.

GS
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  #25  
Old 01-03-2010, 08:01 PM
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I just went back and read GreenEarthAl's original post and I have to say that it resonated with me.

I have been in relationships where I felt like the other was dependent on me in some way and it made me very uncomfortable. I don't want to have people around me who need me, I want partners.

Like you, if I am in a situation where someone is dependent on me for something, we discuss it, and work together on making it so that it's no longer a part of the relationship - it helps them grow as a person.

I like strong people - not the brash, loud-mouthed, or strongly-opinionated people that are regularly telling you what you should or shouldn't be thinking on a subject, but the quiet self-confidence, self-knowledge and inner strength to be at ease with themselves and wanting to join me on this part of my life's journey. That is attractive to me, those are the people I like to have as friends, lovers and committed partners.

I sometimes struggle with the validation thing - but that is an on-going process with me. I care too much and spend too much time thinking about what others think of me - I need to develop more of a courage of my own convictions and if people don't like it, well, that is their issue, not mine (I just found that really hard to write and had to re-read it several times - my instinct was to delete it). But I do still rely on a very few people that I trust to be a sort of mirror that I can look in to hopefully avoid the case where I can't see something that is blindingly obvious to them. These are people that I trust not to have an agenda of their own when giving me this opinion.

This "Life" thing is an interesting journey....
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  #26  
Old 10-15-2011, 11:25 AM
Giles Giles is offline
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I know this thread was put up a long time ago, but I just found it and think it's one of the best--especially given that the singer of the song (called "Brazen Weep") is Skin and the band is Skunk Anansie. This singer is poly! She's a bisexual butch woman who is very independent and has trouble finding men who can deal with that. She wrote another song called "Tracy's Flaw" (on youtube live with Luciano Pavarotti, of all people), which is about how needy people are willing to stay in abusive relationships--something I've struggled with before (on both sides). Great thread.
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