swinger-poly-couple questions

[redpepper]

Oh my, I see that fake orgasm bit really got a few people going... good!

First let me clarify, I was talking about experiences "I" had that I was not comfortable in and thought I should be. My attitude at the time was, "fake it til you make it." Well I didn't make it and wonder if I will ever understand sex with strangers or even acquaintances who don't know me and don't really care about me other than I said "yes" to them getting it with my pussy.

I need a head to pussy connection to be in it. I don't get that with people I have no investment in and feel they don't with me. This has been tried and tested many a time and I can tell you, with great certainty that my orgasms are just fine when that all body, soul connection, spiritually connected feeling is there for me... when I can look in the eyes of my lover and feel them in my soul.... not when I am dancing up and down on some guys cock that I don't know and can't even look at them or feel their foreign tongue on my clit without any former connection. I can see how that is fun, but it has gotten way old and when I think back, it was all the same thing over and over, I know who I am in that and I'm done with it... that person is not someone I want in my life anymore. I want REAL TO ME orgasms now, and get plenty of them

I hope this makes it more clear. I understand that I am not all women and I understand that this may be unusual for the poly sex positive community. It's who I am though and what is positive for me is that I know this about myself now and would appreciate it that others would be happy for me. I'm not saying that any of you aren't. I am speaking in generalities here.

Just to let you know. It is very possible to get all those little muscles to do just what you want them to if you practice.... pretending is possible. I don't pretend anymore, I don't have to, because my sex life is everything I ever wanted it to be and more, but I know how and it has gotten me out of a few situations where I have not felt like it's okay to have a voice.

As to why I mentioned men in terms of abusing slut culture Ariakas? I suppose women can also abuse it... but really I have not personally been involved with women who happily abused it, have come out of it feeling good about themselves and are more evolved because of it. Perhaps that will change, I hope so. I have found that the women I know have come out of it feeling fractured and un-able to get in touch with their bodies and depressed. I must admit however that I don't know a lot that actually even talk about it... and most I know are in it right now. So this is a limited view, but a view non-the-less.

sorry for the thread hyjack SchrodingersCat.

[SchrodingersCat]

Oh no apologies necessary. I think I've figured out where I stand on the issue, it's good to hear some examples of people having casual sex where it isn't damaging or unhealthy. I understand that some people can do it and some people can't. My husband can, and wants to, and it obviously provides a much different experience for him than anything we share together. From how I understand to it, he's drawn to it in an almost D/s sense, with the objectification and power exchange. I also understand that some people can do D/s casually, e.g. at fetish events with people they don't know, whereas some people require a solid relationship with someone before exchanging powers. I see this as much the same.

So I would also be interested in anyone else's experiences with casual, meaningless sex, especially with strangers (defined as someone you just met that night and probably haven't exchanged last names). What worked, what didn't, any regrets or learning experiences, pitfalls to avoid, etc...

[redpepper]

I must say that I understand your husband in this sense. My draw to D/s is similar. I like to dominate, but have been known to be dominated in private This is an avenue that I find myself going down more of late. Interesting times.... I hope others write about their casual sex experiences... I think I have exhausted the topic at this point. For me, all of the casual sex I had was while drunk. Another thing to add to the whole thing. I wonder what would of happened if there was no mind altering involved. Is it valid to say that one would feel the same, or even do the same things?

[SchrodingersCat]

A lot of the stories I hear of casual sex, especially from women, often involve [sometimes excessive] use of alcohol.

It almost makes you wonder how much they "really" want to do it, and how much they're using the alcohol to "numb the pain" and emptiness of what they're doing. I know there's a lot of pressure in high school these days to not be a virgin by the time your'e 16, as well as a lot of pressure to drink and smoke pot (other drugs too, but to a lesser extent so far). All of these things in combination are such a recipe for disaster. I mean don't get me wrong, I think it's great for young people to explore their sexuality at their own rate, and learn what they like and don't like.

[redsirenn]

hey!

Well - I slept with most of my "list" by the time I was 20. I felt happy, healthy, and confident. I think I had the dude mentality at that time - meaning - I would never date seriously, never got emotionally attached, and was always only in it for the fun. Once the fun wore off, I was off to the next person.

There is a part of me that wants some of that back. I am not sure how to get it back - but I liked non-attachment sex. I also like sex when love is involved. I am not sure if I have changed to the point that I won't be able to get back into that head space again. A couple of bad situations have caused me to become more cautious, even though they are not related at all to casual sex. And, I am busy with my PhD so, time is precious.

Anyhow, my point is that casual sex was never the product of low self esteem, or negativity. I did it because sex is fun, and just for that. I was safe (WAY SAFER NOW!!) and confident, happy, and healthy.

just my 2 cents.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

A lot of the stories I hear of casual sex, especially from women, often involve [sometimes excessive] use of alcohol.

It almost makes you wonder how much they "really" want to do it, and how much they're using the alcohol to "numb the pain" and emptiness of what they're doing. I know there's a lot of pressure in high school these days to not be a virgin by the time your'e 16, as well as a lot of pressure to drink and smoke pot (other drugs too, but to a lesser extent so far). All of these things in combination are such a recipe for disaster. I mean don't get me wrong, I think it's great for young people to explore their sexuality at their own rate, and learn what they like and don't like.

I am in a town that thrives on casual sex, drugs and alcohol. I can honestly say most people here drink because they like to drink, it helps with the flirting and gets them sex. There are probably regrets but when you are horny and don't have time to make that intimate connection, alcohol speeds things past the talking into sex. I have never heard any of my female friends (including my ex or my wife) say they were doing anything to numb the pain...they get horny, they need relief.

That said, I am sure there are quite a few who do have their regrets, hopefully these are in the minority.

This is especially true for something new. My wife and our now ex gf, had some drinks to relax on our first night of exploring. No dulling of the pain, just a little help to calm any nerves.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I wonder what would of happened if there was no mind altering involved. Is it valid to say that one would feel the same, or even do the same things?

Imagine RP !!!
How many more you might have connected deeply with had you been in the right frame of mind

You may have had your own little harem going by now !

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

You may have had your own little harem going by now !

GS

HAHA!!! Would have, not "may have" meeeoww!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Imagine RP !!!
How many more you might have connected deeply with had you been in the right frame of mind

You may have had your own little harem going by now !

GS

Well maybe, HA!

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Oh my, I see that fake orgasm bit really got a few people going... good!

First let me clarify, I was talking about experiences "I" had that I was not comfortable in and thought I should be. My attitude at the time was, "fake it til you make it." Well I didn't make it and wonder if I will ever understand sex with strangers or even acquaintances who don't know me and don't really care about me other than I said "yes" to them getting it with my pussy.

Fake orgasms annoy me, so I tend to situp and take notice. I find it a why bother factor. I don't orgasm everytime, I am not about to fake it. Never doubted the *I* factor. ...

I hope this makes it more clear. I understand that I am not all women and I understand that this may be unusual for the poly sex positive community. It's who I am though and what is positive for me is that I know this about myself now and would appreciate it that others would be happy for me. I'm not saying that any of you aren't. I am speaking in generalities here.

a) I understand
b) I am happy for ya...orgasms are good things....

Just to let you know. It is very possible to get all those little muscles to do just what you want them to if you practice.... pretending is possible. I don't pretend anymore, I don't have to, because my sex life is everything I ever wanted it to be and more, but I know how and it has gotten me out of a few situations where I have not felt like it's okay to have a voice.

...I know, and thank god. Women who have control make things interesting.

As to why I mentioned men in terms of abusing slut culture Ariakas? I suppose women can also abuse it... but really I have not personally been involved with women who happily abused it, have come out of it feeling good about themselves and are more evolved because of it. Perhaps that will change, I hope so. I have found that the women I know have come out of it feeling fractured and un-able to get in touch with their bodies and depressed. I must admit however that I don't know a lot that actually even talk about it... and most I know are in it right now. So this is a limited view, but a view non-the-less.

sorry for the thread hyjack SchrodingersCat.

Then I will simply chalk this up to regional differences. The women I tend to meet know exactly what they want, when they want it and how they want it. Very international I might add age range...lets say 20 to 34...