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  #21  
Old 04-18-2012, 04:22 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post

Very glad to hear from some kindred spirits about these issues. Thanks, Nycindie, Feelyunicorn, Cleo, and others.

Regarding labels: I don't think I'm hung up on labels. In fact, I find it a little frustrating when people say (about various things), "Oh, that's just labels."
Thank you.

I use specific labels as a starting point in networking with others who may have similar interests. But those labels are also subject to adjustments and differences in degree.

I avoid online dating services these days, but I still need to communicate my relationship goals effectively.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-18-2012 at 04:25 PM.
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  #22  
Old 08-13-2012, 06:21 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, Meera, I've been meaning to PM you. I think we are such kindred spirits in our approaches to non-monogamy. Some developments happening for me, would love your opinion - I will write you.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #23  
Old 08-13-2012, 08:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I didn't read the whole thread-

and I tend (at this time in life) to prefer the "full on, full time, live together, everything shared" relationships.

HOWEVER-that doesn't mean that other types of relationships are 'legitimate'.

My boyfriend and I were FWB for over 10 years!!! We had no intention during that time of taking it further. We loved each other as friends, we had great sex on rare occasion.

Circumstances unexpectedly changed and now we're living together with my husband and co-parenting the kids.

Don't sell yourself short with unnecessary limitations.
Just because SOMEONE thinks FWB is "casual" or "too casual" for them-doesn't mean it has to be for YOU.


Just be sure that instead of discussing labels with potentials-you clearly state what you want (and don't want) from a relationship with them RIGHT NOW (no one can predict the future-it could change tomorow, ten years from now or never).

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  #24  
Old 08-16-2012, 10:12 PM
zusammen zusammen is offline
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Default Love this!

Hi all,

I'm not much of a poster, but I read frequently. I love this whole topic, because I see myself as poly in more casual ways. Sometimes it's hard to find personally relevant topics on here as so many people seem to have a number of serious relationships, or are involved in triads or the like.

I love the spontaneous, noncommittal "hook ups". Some might call this casual sex, but for me there is meaning in it. It's having a connection and being able to act on it.

Someone questioned the possibility of "friends in public, affection in private". Honestly, I do have that. For me it's because I have a "primary" I've been with for 2 and half years, and 2 "boyfriends". When I go out with the primary (I'll call him Sax), I don't want to be seen as part of a "unit", or have people assume things about us because of our relation to each other. So, generally, we don't engage in PDA - which is not a rule, but a preference (we're just not "couply" types of people).

If, on the very odd occasion, more than one of my "boyfriends" will be in the same place at the same time, the understanding is that I'm not with one of them more than the other(s) - so this means no real PDA with any of them, ie, we're all out as friends.

On a side note, and I hope someone can identify with me on this... I also like to see myself as solo, unattached, independent... my ideal would be ultimately uncommitted relationships. However, after so much time being with Sax, I inevitably am in a "relationship". I don't want to not be with Sax, nor impose artificial restrictions... Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with the unintended seriousness that simply comes with time?
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  #25  
Old 08-21-2012, 02:42 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zusammen View Post
Hi all,

On a side note, and I hope someone can identify with me on this... I also like to see myself as solo, unattached, independent... my ideal would be ultimately uncommitted relationships. However, after so much time being with Sax, I inevitably am in a "relationship". I don't want to not be with Sax, nor impose artificial restrictions... Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with the unintended seriousness that simply comes with time?
Hi Zusammen, nice to meet you and glad you posted on this!

My approach is similar to yours, i.e., I consider myself solo, unattached, not looking for a primary partner/life partner. And I'm kind of in a similar situation to yours, in that I've got a "lover-friend" that I've been seeing for a while now, so that it begins to feel more like a relationship.

In my case, however, my lover-friend is actively seeking a primary partner of his own, plus he generally has a lot more sex/dating activity than I do, so that keeps things from getting more serious, and is something I am happy with. In a month or two, when I am done with my thesis (fingers crossed!), I will have time to seek out more dating partners myself, which I think will also help keep us from falling into an "accidental" relationship (or a serious relationship by default).
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  #26  
Old 08-21-2012, 11:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zusammen View Post
...after so much time being with Sax, I inevitably am in a "relationship". I don't want to not be with Sax, nor impose artificial restrictions... Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with the unintended seriousness that simply comes with time?
I think a good place to start is to look at certain words and what they mean to you, and whether they really apply to your relationship of not. What does "serious" mean? "Relationship?" "Primary?" "Love?" Get clear on separating the fantasies we were taught about relationships while growing up and what relationships really mean to you TODAY, as an adult. What do you want your relationships to be, and to bring you?

Many emotions pop up simply in response to thoughts we have, and we human beings think the same thoughts over and over again, so it is easy to manufacture feelings. Oh, believe me, I have daydreams about lovers, but I know where they're coming from, so I don't pay them credence and waste time wrestling with fantasies taught to me at an early age. The key is awareness - get to know yourself and how you think, and you can shed light on lots of things and handle them better by simply seeing what choices you have available NOW, in the present. I hope that makes sense.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 07:38 AM.
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  #27  
Old 08-23-2012, 02:28 PM
ThirdAlternative ThirdAlternative is offline
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I've cared for my friends-with-benefits/lovers....did I love them? No, because most never allowed me to get to really know them, to hang out with them and do other things. A few I would talk with, watch movies with, have drinks..I considered them btw the lover and BF, which was ok. Either way, if we both were going back for more, it meant there had to be some kind of connection, which sometimes is just fine. I'm not sure I could tell another man easily "I love you" and I definitely wouldn't if all I could base things on was the quality of the sex. Most of the men though that I met confused FWB with FB (fuck buddy)..to them, it's the same thing. Being friends actually means you have to like the other person, enjoy being around then. Plenty will have a FB that they may not like as a person but are happy to use for sex.

Last edited by ThirdAlternative; 08-23-2012 at 02:30 PM.
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  #28  
Old 08-29-2013, 05:01 PM
Leilo Leilo is offline
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Wink I really relate

I relate to alot of things here. I will be following and am very interested in reading more on the subject. I'm looking forward to telling a bit more a about myself soon. Things I do, prefer to do and what I'm looking/ not looking for ( or at least not "looking" for) are similar to what others are talking about. Thank you for being so honest.
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  #29  
Old 04-27-2014, 06:33 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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It would be nice to hear how things are today for you people. Do you still think the same, what has changed, why?

I'm looking forward to developing several lover-friend relationships. There are at least three people I'm interested in in this way. What I worry is that I'll be swept by emotions and end up wanting more than I can have.

All these people are married and have children, so they definitely have a life of their own and I would be a small part of that life, hopefully a part anyway. But how do I keep my emotions in check? I have done this before, but then I was mostly closed off to other people about everything. Now I try to be open and honest, especially to myself, so I'm not sure if I could do this anymore. I don't want to risk losing the friendships, but I'd like to explore the possibilities these people are open to. And two of these people have clearly expressed they are pretty open
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  #30  
Old 04-27-2014, 10:21 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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My lover-friend and I celebrated our 2-year "unniversary" earlier this year. He is still not my "boyfriend." We are still very happy and very much ethically non-monogamous.

I don't stress as much about definitions and terminology as I did two years ago, but I still find that caring friendships with a sexual component are what work best for me. Serious Romantic Relationships aren't something I seek.
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