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  #1  
Old 12-20-2014, 11:55 PM
Lotsofaijou Lotsofaijou is offline
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Default Where to begin?

So after reading some posts and some suggested articles, polyamory truly appeals to me. From what I understand, honesty and communication are what makes any relationship a good, happy, and healthy one. Recently, I've been having trouble accepting what kind of relationships I would like. I love love, and loving people, friendship and otherwise. I've always believed in being honest with those you love and communicating any issues or concerns you have. Polyamory calls to me, but my family and friends keep telling me that open relationships and polyamory aren't for me because at the end of the day, you only love one more than another. My family tells me that if I want someone else, that's saying that I'm not happy in my current relationship and I want to leave it, but that's not the case. I stupidly left my best friend (who I still love to this day) to pursue a crush because I was told that polyamory wouldn't work for me. And I'm unhappy with that decision. My crush and I are making a beautiful relationship, but I want my romantic relationship with my best friend too! I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to also introduce someone else into the picture. I wanted (and still do) two boyfriends.

I'm done listening to how I can't do this, and am ready to hear how I can start healthy poly-relationships.

So my question is where do I begin? How do I start introducing the idea of bringing a former boyfriend into my new relationship without sounding like this current relationship has problems? Cuz it doesn't. I just love both of these men and want them in my life.
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Old 12-21-2014, 10:46 AM
Nadya Nadya is online now
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What about telling your current boyfriend the same you have told us here? You could start with telling him how much you love him and how highly you value your relationship.

Then go on telling the whole history of how and why your former relationship ended and how you regret that. And that you want to have them both in your life.

If your current bf is monogamous-minded and jealous (as you tell in your intro post) he very well might take it badly. If you want honest relationships, I can not see any other way around it than just take the risk. As you know from the experience with your family, most people in our society do not believe that poly relationships can be truly happy. On this board, however, there are plenty of folks who find open and poly relationships satisfying and good and are happy living that way - me included.

I suppose the opening up discussion will be very scary but you seem to be a courageous young woman since you are willing to go against the advice of your family and live your life as you like.
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Old 12-21-2014, 02:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsofaijou View Post
So my question is where do I begin? How do I start introducing the idea of bringing a former boyfriend into my new relationship without sounding like this current relationship has problems? Cuz it doesn't. I just love both of these men and want them in my life.
First of all, you aren't "bringing a former bf into your new relationship." Heavens, no! If you put it like that to new bf, I am sure he'd run for the hills.

You want to date both men. They aren't in relationship with each other! It's not a triad. It's a (potential) V. In this V, you'd be the hinge, and the 2 men are the arms. You're not "adding a third" or any of those weird phrasings new polys use.

The only r'ship the 2 men would be in would be as metamours. They may never meet. They may meet, if they want, briefly in passing, or something more. They may dislike each other. They may like each other.

So, you are not forcing your new bf to be in relationship with your best friend/lover.

However, if your new bf/crush is extremely jealous he may not come around. Getting someone entirely new to poly on board can take months or years. But the only thing to do is bring up the subject. To thine own self be true.
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Old 12-21-2014, 03:52 PM
puzzles puzzles is offline
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Begin by stop listening to what other people have to say. This is your life and your decision. Yes, it is nice that you are close to your family and friends enough to have these talks, but you have to do you.

And I think it is best to just come out and say it. Go ahead and have that talk with your current partner, but know that being in a polyamorous relationship isn't for everyone. Be open and honest about how you feel and what you want. But also be open about listening to what your partner has to say and how they feel.
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Old 12-21-2014, 09:57 PM
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HappilyFallenAngel HappilyFallenAngel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsofaijou View Post
......I stupidly left my best friend (who I still love to this day) to pursue a crush because I was told that polyamory wouldn't work for me. And I'm unhappy with that decision. ......How do I start introducing the idea of bringing a former boyfriend into my new relationship without sounding like this current relationship has problems? Cuz it doesn't. I just love both of these men and want them in my life.
The first step in a meaningful, successful poly life is becoming one's own person. Poly is not viable for folks who are quite attached to how they are perceived by friends, family and the greater social community. A peaceful, happy poly life very much depends on having confidence and an inner knowing that your life is your own, no matter what friends or family "recommend" for you.
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Old 12-22-2014, 01:07 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Lotsofaijou,

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"Polyamory calls to me, but my family and friends keep telling me that open relationships and polyamory aren't for me because at the end of the day, you only love one more than another."
How do they know that? Have they practiced polyamory and experienced it?

Re:
Quote:
"My crush and I are making a beautiful relationship, but I want my romantic relationship with my best friend too!"
Any chance you can contact your best friend and start to renew that friendship?

Re:
Quote:
"How do I start introducing the idea of bringing a former boyfriend into my new relationship without sounding like this current relationship has problems?"
Whom do you need to convince that the current relationship doesn't have problems? I presume you're already convinced, and most of the members on this forum can be easily convinced. You don't need to convince your family and friends, do you?

Your current boyfriend will have to make his own decision about whether he's willing to consent to a poly arrangement. It's really up to him. All you can do is tell him you want to live a polyamorous life, ask him to consider it, and make your own decision about whether it's a deal breaker for you if he says "No." It's possible he could say "No" right now, then change his mind later. But there's no way to know how much later. You'd have to decide how long you want to wait.

I hope this answers some of your questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Last edited by kdt26417; 12-22-2014 at 01:29 AM.
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Old 12-24-2014, 05:15 PM
Lotsofaijou Lotsofaijou is offline
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Thank you all for your guidance and support. All the advise has given me a good amount to think about.

My next question is should they agree, what's a suggested routine of seeing these two equally? When I speak with them, I'd love to have an idea to pitch to them. They, like my family, have never been in a poly-relationship. My current beau had been in open relationships that ended terribly due to lack of honesty and secrecy. I understand his hesitation, but I still would like to try. Any suggestions?

Thank you all, again. Really, it's been very helpful.
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  #8  
Old 12-24-2014, 06:10 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It's really hard to see two partners equally. 100% equal is basically impossible. It's more productive to try to make things fair; that is, to try to figure out how to meet each partner's unique needs. For instance one partner may be more introverted, the other more extroverted. One may want more "me time," the other may want more together time. These are examples of why "fair" usually works better (and is more possible) than "equal."

Having said that, polyamory tends to work better if you keep a group calendar, so you can see exactly what times everyone has available, and what times they have with you and when. If communication is the first "rule" of poly, scheduling is probably the second "rule."

As for your current beau's bad experiences with open relationships in the past, the only thing you can do about that is demonstrate over time that you can be depended on to be honest and transparent. Only he can make the decision to give you that chance. You can ask. You can do that.
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