Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 07-17-2010, 01:44 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348
Default

Mono (and anyone else taking issue with my use of the term "fat chicks") - I'm not quite as shallow as all that, lol. I am referring to a specific type, same as the other "types" I mentioned in that post. Some of the more beautiful women I know are quite heavy. However, just as women with other body types dress to flatter their respective figures, so do these girls. They also maintain a level of self esteem and appropriate behavior in public, same as anyone else, regardless of body type. I was referring to the typically very overweight girls who try to fit into miniskirts and tube tops 8 sizes too small, who shamelessly hit on anything with a penis in a manner that is so flagrant and forward that even a guy like me who LIKES his girls a little on the trashy side is turned off alarmingly fast. If you've never had the misfortune to run into one of these "ladies", then I guess I can see where you might take offense, lol.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 07-17-2010, 06:33 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I meant men that behave like that. I actually don't feel like that about women at all.

Why are you hurt? I find that interesting as I would never think to direct this towards you.... I think more of the swingers I swung with (is that the right way to say it?). In that environment I began finding men pathetic for various reasons... I'm afraid I have had one too many experiences in my life of men being pathetic around their sexual desire and how they attempt to get laid sometimes. That in no way means all men or even most men. I was talking about specific types.
This feels like a double standard. Why would the same behavior be "pathetic" in one gender but not so in another?

Plus, I really dislike the use of the word pathetic as it can combine insult with condescension pretty easily and is often inappropriately applied. Many would call it pathetic to be validating relationships or choices by posting about them on forums. Many people would consider disabled people who have to live with support in their adulthood to be pathetic. The term tends to be more useful if you're seeking to insult than if you're attempting to describe other people in whatever place they are in life with whatever behaviors they have with empathy and compassion.
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:45 AM
RatatouilleStrychnine's Avatar
RatatouilleStrychnine RatatouilleStrychnine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I find it interesting that a lot of women start their poly journey with casual recreational, sport sex and then, once ego is boosted they look for more romantic, more involved relationships. Men do the same thing sometimes it seems. The thing is that some men will fuck just about anything. This is what I realized anyway. It was really not an ego boost at all. Do women do the same thing? I don't hold much trust that women are really being admired when a guy they just met sleeps with them. To me I am wary of any man who wants sex. I think its funny actually, kind of pathetic, but not a complement. Do men feel this way? That there is a chance they are being used and not actually admired? Are they objectified just as often? Seen as a penis rather than a person or even someone who is attractive? Do they even care?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Have to say Redpepper, I agree. For my own experience anyhow. The only difference is, I am uninterested in any person, male or female, who only wants casual sex from me. I don`t see it as a compliment.
There seems to be an assumption here that women who want casual sex are also looking for compliments or a boost to their egos. If you are seeking that sort of validation from strangers over brief encounters, then yes, you probably won't get what you're looking for. But don't assume that all women want the same thing! When I was having casual sex, it is because I wanted SEX. I wasn't particularly interested in whether the person was chuffed to be with me, or whether or not I was admired: I was there for the SEX! Anything else was a bonus, not the goal.

I was using them, so why should I be upset that they were using me?
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 07-28-2010, 03:18 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default

I don't like this negative tone. You can have casual sex without some deep seated psychology baggage or lack of virtue or something like that. I've had casual sex and had no less respect for the women before or after we were inside each other(lol). Subjective opinions like this should be analyzed and not taken as truth.
__________________
---------------------------------------------------\\\
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 07-28-2010, 05:36 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Obviously I have offeneded with my "pathetic" statement and I apoligize for that. Let me explain myself more... First of all I own my thoughts on this, its not really about men, but my feelings on the sex I have had with them and the continued experiences I have about being pursued by some of them.

I feel angry towards some of the men I have slept with because I was mislead. Granted they likely didn't realize they were misleading me, but I was. My nature is as such that sex and the goal of having sex, are for me to become closer to the person; to bond and connect with them more. Some of the men I have been with did not see it this way. That is fine in and of itself, but I did not know that. They tossed me aside after thinking I was some kind of freak because now I felt connected with them, I was hurt.

Now I feel that men who come on to me that I don't know are pathetic because I find it a pathetic attempt at getting to know me. I just shake my head and throw up a hand (in my mind, really I just deek and avoid). I admit that. If that is all they have for me then its not worth my time. That might sound aweful, but at this time in my journey with this stuff, I have nothing to give men like that. I am working towards being able to explain that I don't appreciate this approach and if they would like to talk to me about other things and get to know me then I would be open to that. Quite often they have nothing to say and keep pursuing. I find it rude and pathetic. There is more to a female/male relationship than fucking and if they are not able to rise above and get to know me then I'm sorry, but that is how I feel at this point.

Again, I don't feel this way about all men, just some. I also don't feel this way about all men who enjoy casual sex either. Its only some within that who don't respect that some of us have a different view of what sex means to us and are insulting that view by continuing to pursue a woman that feels differently than them about its worth. Of course this can be the other gender around also.

If only people would be more open to letting others know their personal relationship with sex when engaged in the pursual of it. I think it would be a very helpful consideration for all if when becoming interested in someone that was talked about right away. I know I intend to do that in the future. Now that I know myself better.

All a work in progress.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 07-29-2010, 04:22 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348
Default

So we're back to - respect.
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 09-10-2010, 01:25 AM
MsKtty89's Avatar
MsKtty89 MsKtty89 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ames, IA
Posts: 74
Default

I am someone who enjoys and, dare I say, needs sex in a relationship and the two do go hand-in-hand for me. I don't know that I can have casual sex, I never really have. I have sex with people I am truly attracted to and if I don't love them, I don't feel it's worth it.

That's just me.
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 09-10-2010, 03:29 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,765
Default

Well, I came back to this thread b/c Ari said it was hot enough to make several people need cold showers. I see I posted to it but never read the whole thing!

As far as "casual sex" goes, I think it's helpful to have categories.

On one side of the spectrum is the person you pick up at the end of the night at a bar, while wearing your beer glasses. This is the most casual sex I can think of. Undiscriminating, and possibly unsafe.

I've never done that.

In the middle are fuck buddies and play partners. Booty calls.

Then you have your friend with benefits.

For me, I've presently got one young guy I see occasionally. We've been together for over a year. We're not really friends per se. I mean, we weren't friends first. We are at very different points in our life journeys. He's only 21, I'm 54, so come on.

We have super hot sex, he satisfies me in a way that is special, creative, and amazing. He's very tall and lanky,strong, assertive (well hung too ). However, it's not all sex. We do talk too... he's smart and funny and has an interesting vocabulary. Heck, I'd rather we werent so casual. I've got a crush on him. But he always msgs me at the last minute. He doesnt want a full relationship. We don't see each other that often.

All that said, he makes a refreshing change from my girlfriend, who can be pretty angsty and hyper-analytical. My boytoy is like a mini-vacation from my serious relationship.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 09-12-2010, 03:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
I wasn't particularly interested in whether the person was chuffed to be with me, or whether or not I was admired: I was there for the SEX! Anything else was a bonus, not the goal.

I was using them, so why should I be upset that they were using me?
I'd like to use this quote in a response for a couple reasons.

To me (and SO) it's so very important to promote what it seems is often termed a 'sex positive' outlook for more women. There's a place for close, intimate sex but there's also a place for just fun, random connections.

I always end up back at the food analogy, but we've never been able to embrace the cultural moors that differentiate casual dining from casual sex and why one is embraced and the other not !

For example - we almost had an encounter the other day. Had it not been for a pressed schedule we would have. Driving down the pike she (as passenger) spotted a guy - kinda cute but not some Andonis. Nice smile. Chose to flash him so I pulled up alongside and kept us synced so she could give him a good show.

Had we not been on a time crunch there's no doubt in our mind this would probably have developed into a totally random sexual encounter. And you never can project where these things end up going long term.

So if this type of attitude and behavior is what is required to earn the title 'slut', then we feel we need more sluts in the world.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 09-12-2010, 05:05 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

There was a discussion this week that decided that more often than not the term "casual" is not a good fit for what they were experiencing. The term "recreactional" sex seemed to fit better. It kind of indicates that there is some thought or foresight to some sexual encounters and that the feelings that come along with the sex are not casual.

I made a discovery for myself around all this and that is my trigger when the topic of casual sex comes up stems around what I now see as abuse of myself. Encounters where I have either tricked myself into thinking that saying *yes* was what I wanted to say because I wanted to please or encounters where I said *yes* and wanted to say *no* at some point and didn't. In these moments I learned to shut off rather than change the situation. Now I have damaged something as a result. Nothing to do with the men in the situation and everything to do with lack of boundaries. Maybe if I had been taught them as a child, this wouldn't of happened? No one taught me boundaries around sex. No one talked about sex at all. *note to self-talk to my boy about sex!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
casual sex, sex, sex-negative, sex-positive, sexual, sexuality

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:17 AM.