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  #1  
Old 01-14-2013, 03:51 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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Default friends stepping over bounds...

So here's the deal, the girlfriend (genebean) has a friend of whom which is attracted to her . Or perhaps more acurately, has feelings for her. That I'm fine with. The issue I'm upset with is the fact that this woman is very much a lesbian, and is a firm believer that you can only love one person. Actually, I'm even ok with that. It's the fact that she is trying to convince genebean that she is a lesbian. She doesn't believe that bi sexuals really exist. She think being bi is a phase, and that genebean is really a lesbian.

Needless to say, I think there might be a few people here who disagree. Just the other day, this friend said, "if you and penguin (me) break up, I think you should try a lesbian relationship. Does that seem a little like stepping over bounds? I'm kind of upset about it, because it seems that way to me. Please let me know what you think.
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  #2  
Old 01-14-2013, 04:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If I were genebean? I would say something like
"Thank you for sharing your opinion. However I did not ask for it.

I see you do not believe bisexuals exists. I do and am. We could agree to disagree.

But after today please stop discussing that topic with me unasked for. Please stop talking about my relationship with Penguin like it is also a "phase" and not a serious relationship. That is not being a good, respectful friend to me.

Would you enjoy it if I told you out of the blue and unasked for that when you are done with your "lesbian phase" and break up with whoever you are currently with, you should "try bisexual relationship" next? Would that be me doing kind, loving, respectful behavior toward you -- my friend? No.

So let's try to keep the "friend" part lifted up first here even when we do not agree on things. We could agree to disagree and let this topic GO. Are you willing to do that?"
And then leave it there.

But I am not genebean and neither are you.

If this friend said this in your presence YOU could say all that.

If genebean is sharing this knowledge and you don't find it comfortable knowledge to hold...
  • A) You could tell genebean you don't enjoy this, and to please stop telling you about the pushy lesbian friend stuff. Be her friend but leave you out because it bothers you to hear about GENEBEAN not standing up for the shared relationship. Genebean cannot help other people behavior -- they control that. But you are disappointed in your partner's behavior -- telling you yucky and her response of....nothing?
  • B) You could ask genebean to tell the pushy lesbian the above in green.
  • C) You could do both A and B
  • D) You could do nothing.
  • E) You could pick something entirely different! Something I've not yet thought of.

You have many choices. But is it annoying? Yes. I would find it annoying and see where it could annoy you the lesbian friend stepping on toes.

But I'd be more bothered by my partner not handling it. Tell me yucky and that you did X about it -- alright then. Thanks.

Don't tell me yucky just to spread yucky around. For what?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2013 at 05:05 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-14-2013, 05:00 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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Thankyou galagirl. I apreciate your response, the issue really comes down to the fact that she doesn't want to loose this friend. I know what most people are going to say to that, and I don't necessarily disagree, a true friend wouldn't do that, but people in love do all sorts of things (though that doesn't mean I like it anymore, but genebean is a wonderful person, and anyone would fight for her).

I suppose I'll have to wait and see what happens, genebean said she might talk to her about it today. So we'll see. Any other suggestions anyone?
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  #4  
Old 01-14-2013, 05:05 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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yes i have some advice:

You can pick your friends,

You can pick your nose,

But you can't pick your friend's nose.




(Take what you will and disregard what you won't)
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  #5  
Old 01-14-2013, 05:10 PM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
yes i have some advice:

You can pick your friends,

You can pick your nose,

But you can't pick your friend's nose.
And you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch.
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  #6  
Old 01-14-2013, 05:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I have a friend who steps on my toes sometimes and I have to call her into account. I'm sure I step on hers too. And we've been friends for 26 years now! She's more impulsive than me -- I'm plan ahead type.

You don't have to "lose a friend" just because you remind them you have limits/boundaries/personality differences. That's part of why my friend and I continue to remain friends for this long. We each know that in the friendship there will be some "calling into account" times that will be dealt with respectfully should those times pop up. Firm, but kind. There. Done. Back into right relationship.

To have those kinds of moments NEVER pop up would be really odd expectation for the friendship to me. Good to hear that genebean is thinking about seeking a clarify for herself. That's good. That takes care of (genebean + friend) layer of relationship.

You are right. The lesbian friend could be carried away with the crush on GF and may not be speaking from a place of ill will or malice -- just... gushy gushy stuff? Which could be fine if that is the why behind all this, but genebean could say something to the effect of "please express that in appropriate ways without dissing my orientation or my partner. I see it was not an intentional ding, but it was not particularly thoughtful either."

I could see where it could feel annoying but going to extremes before finding out intent seems premature. YKWIM? Unless this friend is more like "friend" and chronically trespassing, there's no need to do a friend break up over someone crushing on her so hard they get all gushy and color outside the lines a bit. Just... enjoy your crush, be more thoughful how you color so all can be happy here if that is indeed the reason behind all that.

But that is not the (you + genebean) layer. What needs do you have that genebean could meet? Are you articulating that to her? Or was sharing information/this experience enough? Did you need any kind of reassure? Or something else?

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-14-2013 at 05:23 PM.
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  #7  
Old 01-16-2013, 05:44 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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So for now it seems like she's going to talk to the friend. I hope it will help.

But, there was a new development. The friend is moving out of her house, and into somewhere else. Genebean is helping her move a little here and there. While she was helping her move yesterday, this friend thought it was appropriate to show genebean her toy collection. Needless to say, it made genebean uncomfortable. it of course made me a little upset, as I feel like this friend is starting to step way over "the line". And I don't think it's right.

Really this wouldn't bother me, if it weren't for the fact that genebean doesn't like it either, but doesn't want to loose her friend. I really think this time her friend has gone well beyond what are reasonable bounds.

What do we think? I really appreciate all of your responses.
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  #8  
Old 01-16-2013, 06:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think Greenbean could tell the friend -- "Thanks, but not interested in seeing your toy collection/your hitting on me/your whatever. That's inappropriate for our friendship level/makes me uncomfortable/whatever."

Step it up on the personal boundary line keeping. Everyone has a different comfort zone, and if Greenbean is starting to feel trespassed upon, it's on GB to tell the friend to back up off the line.

In my own life? Show and tell of toys is for lovers not friends.

Friends I might give reviews -- if we go shopping online or in person. If asked I might say "Oh, I have that... I found it to be...." But that's at a bit of distance because we're talking about a new-in-box item. It's not show and tell of the actual one I personally use.

I might tell a friend I love a line of bras/undies. But I'm not going to show and tell the actual ones I have on.

I might tell a friend what BC methods/brands I've tried and worked for me if they ask. But I'm not going to show them a used condom. YKWIM? Sheesh.

Galagirl
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  #9  
Old 01-16-2013, 07:21 PM
polypenguin polypenguin is offline
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Haha, no I suppose not. Well like I said, she said she going to talk to her today, so we'll see. Thank you for the advice and laughs
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  #10  
Old 01-17-2013, 07:12 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hey polypenguin,

Yah, friend may not *know* she's crossing a line unless you tell her. In her world, that may be what friends do, is share showing of toys. I had a roommate once, she was so excited when she got her new whip and wanted to show us all. She wanted to show how lovely, and I allowed her to lightly swat my calf (cat o nine tails). The next day I had bruises and she was completely jealous (me=easy bruiser, her=not so much). So not my flavor. So not the level of intimacy in my relationship with her, she was a roommate, not even a friend (friendly, yes). But it's not a line for me, and I didn't mind. She wasn't trying to persuade me to kink, she was just excited about her stuff.

In my experience, lots of women do that; we start in childhood. 'Wanna be friends?' 'Sure' 'Come over after school' *proceed to show toys. As adults, sometimes the toys get very different, but the pattern is the same.

So, I agree with gg, no need to lose a friend because we take care of ourselves. 'I'm glad you have a hobby/pasttime/kink/whatever, but I'm not really into that. Could we go to the kitchen and have cookies instead?'
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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