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  #21  
Old 06-20-2013, 12:38 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I was going to suggest Dan Savage's columns, but opalescent beat me to it...

and I'm afraid the main thing your friend needs to hear is that Dan Savage's advice in this case would be: Dump the Motherfucker Already. Her husband sounds like a selfish moron.
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  #22  
Old 06-20-2013, 12:52 AM
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The top link is a lie. There is no cake!!
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  #23  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Is this the same one who had the "psychological disconnect between sex and emotion" a few years ago?
giggle-no but it's funny you mentioned that-this person and that person seem to be similar in some regards and polar opposite in others. BUT ANYWAY-
I did google it. :P
I also posted a bunch of info for her. But, I have found that these... mmmm... alternative lifestyle communities tend to have a wealth of more intelligent and useful info about sex than most places-so I figured I may as well ask.
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  #24  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:26 AM
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dirt-
Seriously? Did I hit a trigger for you or what?

Anyone who reads my writing on here (and I know you do) ought to know by now-that having an orgasmic sex life isn't a problem I have.

Additionally (as I told my friend)-I don't have a male friend or lover or previous lover who wasn't well versed in "she cums first" mindset.
She told me "most men" aren't like my husband and bf.
I told her she must have "most men" where she lives-cause I have seriously never met a man selfish enough to even SUGGEST that he should be able to receive intercourse or a blowjob if he is unwilling to guarantee the woman will get her rocks off too.

BUT ANYWAY! Obviously women are having this issue with men who do think that-or they wouldn't be complaining about it.
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  #25  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:36 AM
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I'm sure there is a survey somewhere of how many women achieve orgasm by which methods. If a difference of agreement needs to happen I presume the arguing parties will present their data. Otherwise it's anecdotal. Not that I have a problem with anecdotal evidence; I just have a problem watching people argue using it as if it were an axiom of reality.

Something I'd like to personally add to the conversation; I don't think it's responsible to put the burden of ones orgasm onto someone else. If her hubby isn't into eating pussy then that's his business, it's not his responsibility to do 'whatever it takes' for her to achieve orgasm certainly if her ability to do so is hinged upon something that he specifically doesn't enjoy. My orgasm is my responsibility; if my partner isn't doing the one thing that I need to happen and they have told me they aren't interested in doing it... maybe I can just enjoy what I *am* getting. Then I can go do whatever it is that makes me cum with someone else (or on my own).



Quite a bit of dick just happened there.
I've been reading all day-and found repeated articles siting studies that quote roughly 70% of women can't orgasm via intercourse alone.

As for the rest-I agree, we are all responsible for our own satisfaction-
My issue is that I don't believe it is appropriate for any person to EXPECT a partner to give them something that they aren't WILLING to offer in return.

That doesn't mean it's not ok to ASK.
That doesn't mean that it's not ok for the other person to decline receiving.

But to EXPECT your partner to do for you what you absolutely refuse to do for them?
My response would be "fuck off".

There's a huge difference in me taking responsibility to know what I want and to achieve personal satisfaction-and having my partner tell me that I have to give them oral and manual stimulation but they aren't going to do the same for me.
Seriously? That takes a whole new level of self-centered assholism to buy into.

AND-I say that even though I have met said person and get along with him and generally consider him a nice person.
Nice or not in the rest of life-that is a FUCKED UP ATTITUDE to have with your lover.

If you don't want to perform oral sex-don't EXPECT your partner to.
If you don't want to perform manual stimulation-don't EXPECT your partner to.
AND
If you won't do either of the above-damn to sure do NOT complain when your partner purchases toys to do the job. That's flat fucking ridiculous there.
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  #26  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:42 AM
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That's also fair.

If she feels that there is some kind of shame from not being able to have an orgasm while her self absorbed, controlling husband jabs himself into her... I suppose we are starting from a more simple level of discussion.

I wonder where people are getting the idea that they should be able to have an orgasm on demand. Maybe it's porn or harlequin novels mixed with a simple mind. Or just the fact that it's not a topic that normal folk feel comfortable discussing rationally.
In red-that's precisely her issue. She believes something is wrong with her-because she can't orgasm while he does that-but can orgasm when she masturbates (and could with her ex husband-even when he raped her, he could make her orgasm).
I can't help with "husband is a self-centered jerk" (though I certainly see it that way in this situation).
My hope is more towards guiding her towards seeing that there isn't anything wrong with her on account of her inability to orgasm THAT way.
Which-I have been sharing the articles-and she is reading them (and I have been researching on my own and sharing those as well) and it is making a dent. She was pretty stunned to realize that SO MANY women need clitoral stimulation (I don't know how women get through their 30s without figuring that out).

And
I think it's LARGELY because people don't talk about it. She finds it shocking that I do talk about sex and anything about it. She was STUNNED to find out that both the guys also talk openly about it. She about died to find out that my whole social group does. The concept blew her mind.
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  #27  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:44 AM
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Boring-The person I'm talking about-isn't on this board. She isn't poly. She's from a VERY conservative family. (getting quite the education having befriended me).
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  #28  
Old 06-20-2013, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
(and could with her ex husband-even when he raped her, he could make her orgasm).
I can't help with "husband is a self-centered jerk"
I see, so she got some damage from her psycho-rapist ex husband and has moved to her self absorbed-controlling-insecure current husband.

I'm glad to see that she has a friend who can enrich her life a bit, but I am skeptical that her coming to a better understanding of her orgasm is going to help very much. While she is dating these world class losers I think her sex life is going to continue to suck (not in a good way). And honestly, considering the goons she has picked, if it is only her sex life that suffers I think she lucked out.

Who knows though, maybe discovering that she doesn't have to associate sex with shame will prompt a shift in self image and she can break this cycle (this is me in wishful thinking mode).
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  #29  
Old 06-20-2013, 02:26 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
Here is one link, hopefully somewhat helpful:

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-re...secrets-341090
Ylva does great work and her book is excellent (I speak Swedish). She also gives courses - contact her directly to find out more.

http://www.orgasmeramera.se
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  #30  
Old 06-20-2013, 02:40 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I think everyone should know about Betty Dodson. She's been educating women and men on female orgasm and pleasure for decades. (One of my heros!) Also, and LR, you probably have already passed this on, but scarleteen.com is really a great information site. I know your friend is not a teenager but she may have missed out in some basic information.
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