Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:12 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default Need help with sex problem

Can anyone recommend a good book, or maybe some good strategies, for fixing a dead sex life? I've gone for years having to initiate all the sex because my husband doesn't like rejection, and finally just put my foot down and said this is killing my self esteem. So he's trying, and I realize that he just doesn't turn me on. He'll start to touch me and I feel irritated, and then I get mad at myself for not liking it.

Meanwhile, just laying eyes on my boyfriend C is all it takes to get me going, so that I practically go straight to orgasm by the time he actually has his hands anywhere strategic. So I know I don't have a physical problem getting aroused, but likely an emotional one.

One factor might be my polyamory. I have some resentment around not being "allowed" to have PIV sex with C. (I see this less as a rule than an awareness that it would upset my husband too much, so it's not really something I can negotiate for.) I feel kind of spoiled by C, in that he focuses on me so much when we are together, and communicates with me several times a day when we are apart, and has an uncanny way of reading my body language so that he knows exactly what I crave. He recently questioned whether I had raised my expectations of my husband, and I suppose I have. I catch myself thinking, "Why can't he treat me the way C does?" Probably not healthy.

I'm also concluding that my husband and I simply have very different tastes, sexually. Or maybe too similar -we both like to be passive recipients. He's like a cat, wanting his beautiful muscled body to be stroked, and I really wish I could get into that but it does nothing for me, so it's just something I do to please him. Then when he's touching me I always get the impression that he isn't really enjoying it so much as he is trying to figure out what will get a reaction from me, so he can move on to penetration. When he doesn't get a prompt reaction, he generally stops and gives up.

I'm turned on by a dominant, passionate, I'm-taking-you-now kind of presence. When he tries to act that way, it definitely feels like acting. I've told him my submission fantasies, but he seems to confuse it with violence, or disrespect, so he can't get into it. Or he thought it had to do with wanting to be told what to do so I didn't have to make any decisions. It's just not a dynamic he understands, and I don't know that I can get him to understand it, or if I'm wasting my time trying to change who he is. (I just tell C "You're in charge," and he gets a naughty glint in his eye.)

He says he doesn't know what kind of touches turn me on. C says I'm more communicative about that than anyone he knows. How can a husband not have discovered what his wife likes, after 15 years together? And yet, just the other day I had to remind him yet again, I don't like my legs to be squeezed (instant turn off every time, always has been). It's as if he isn't even paying attention to me when he's trying to turn me on.

Is there a book (fiction or nonfiction) that might help a polite, gentle, passive man understand the mindset of a woman who wants to be passionately fucked? Or one that can help us figure out how to rediscover and enjoy each other as we are?
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-09-2013, 12:58 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I catch myself thinking, "Why can't he treat me the way C does?" Probably not healthy.
Your husband is passive sexually. You have learned that you are not sexually attracted to passive men (apparently you are repulsed and irritated by it).

As far as I can tell this is not a "sexual problem" so much as this is the end of a sexual relationship. Your husband shouldn't feel the need to change who he is to sate your sex drive any more than you should feel guilty about not being attracted to him any more. People change and it sounds like you need to come to terms with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
One factor might be my polyamory. I have some resentment around not being "allowed" to have PIV sex with C. (I see this less as a rule than an awareness that it would upset my husband too much, so it's not really something I can negotiate for.)
This rule never works and you guys should scrap it immediately; it just builds resentment. Your relationship is the perfect example of why NOT to have this dumb rule.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:00 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I agree with Marcus completely.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-09-2013, 03:48 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
This rule never works and you guys should scrap it immediately; it just builds resentment. Your relationship is the perfect example of why NOT to have this dumb rule.
I agree that it is a dumb rule, but at the same time, it is a reality that my husband will not consider staying married to me if I cross that line. I think that in his mind, my second relationship is "cheating" on the vows we made when we married. (We didn't have that whole bit about forsaking others, but he comes from India and even in this culture, there is still implied sexual monogamy when you marry.) He wants me to be happy and he knows I need this relationship, so I think he's justifying the "cheating" as not real cheating as long as there isn't real sex involved. I just don't think he could mentally come to terms with being married to a woman who has sex with someone else. He never has; I was his first kiss. So yeah, I could say, "I don't like this rule and I'm not going to abide by it," but that would be the same as saying, "I care more about what I do with C's penis than keeping our marriage intact." And I don't. Neither does C, who maintains that his relationship with me depends upon the stability of my marriage; he doesn't want to be a family wrecker.

And as simple as it would be to say, "Hey, we're not sexually compatible, so let's not have a sexual relationship any more," what does that really mean? Divorcing, battling for custody of our sweet daughters? Over sex?! Or staying married and celibate? Outside of the bedroom I'm perfectly happy to have a sweet, gentle, kind husband. I chose him for a reason. I love him.

I just think there must be some way to make it possible for us to have sex, even if it's not fireworks and not frequent. Our marriage always feels better when that's working. I just need some help finding our way back to that.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-09-2013, 03:56 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Dude, sex is hella important to me. I'd definitely divorce someone that I wasn't sexually compatible with, especially if I couldn't have sex with anyone else, but then I wouldn't have married them to begin with.

Unless your husband "doms up", which you said comes across phoney, you won't be satisfied by him. You just aren't sexually compatible. Only you can decide whether you are willing to sacrifice good sex in order to stay in the marriage. As I've already said, I couldn't. I need to have fulfilling sex with all my partners. You aren't saying that you care more about C's penis, you are saying that you have to meet your sexual needs which isn't unreasonable.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-09-2013, 04:26 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post



This rule never works and you guys should scrap it immediately; it just builds resentment. Your relationship is the perfect example of why NOT to have this dumb rule.
Totally agree, I have two stories for you on P in V. One, when BF and I hooked up, after some rather hot rounds of fooling around and dirty talk, he laid it on me that he wasnt sure wife would be ok with P in V. I told him right there and then, if that was the case this wasnt happeneing. we are teenagers.

second, when i broached poly with the hubs, he said i might be ok with it if you dont have sex with him. I told him that was a deal breaker, consenting adults dont go on and on making out and never get around to sex. or if they do they get pretty frustrated and resentful. It was hard, he was mad, we fought, there was tears and harsh words...but it worked out and i enjoy sex lives with both of them.

I used to be like you with your husband...until i told him some of the things BF and i do, and when he saw how much it turned me on he decided to go for it though it wasnt his usual bag, and ended up enjoying it too and our sex life has been the better for it.
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-09-2013, 04:27 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
And as simple as it would be to say, "Hey, we're not sexually compatible, so let's not have a sexual relationship any more," what does that really mean? Divorcing, battling for custody of our sweet daughters? Over sex?!
I think being sexually repulsed by your monogamous sex partner is more than enough reason to change the nature of your relationship. Clinging on to an arrangement which has quite obviously failed because changing it might be difficult is faulty motivation.

"Battling for custody of our sweet daughters" seems like you have the worst case scenario on the brain. Or is it reasonable that your husband will behave irrationally and try to harm you because you want to live your own life?
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-09-2013, 04:54 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

It's a bit much to call what I'm going through lately being "sexually repulsed" by my husband. We have had plenty of good sex over the years. His body is attractive (he turns heads). I just feel like the dynamic between us isn't sexy these days. I want to fix that. I don't want to throw out an otherwise solid marriage and break up a family. I want to rediscover the intimacy. I was hoping someone had some recommendations along those lines. I know "give up" is an option, but to me it's a last resort, not a knee jerk response.

If I ended my marriage I would also be ending my relationship with C, because he is flatly unwilling to take me away from my husband. I could have PIV sex with C once, tell my husband, divorce, and have neither of them. What would be the point?

C has had, in all his past relationships, a sexual difficulty of his own. He can't orgasm during sex, or if he does it takes him ages and ages. Past partners have been frustrated with that. For him, our relationship has been the perfect antidote. He pleases me (I always have better orgasms with fingers anyway) and I don't pressure him to achieve his own orgasms. Or I just enhance the experience for him while he uses his own hand. As much as it would feel nice to remove the taboo of PIV sex, and sort of "have" each other in that complete way, he has said on many occasions that his sex life has never been so exciting or satisfying with anyone else. We're not trying to make a baby. We really don't need those particular body parts to interact in that particular way in order to have a satisfying time together. It would be nice, the way winning a lottery would be nice.

I found an overwhelming array of books on Amazon about rekindling the desire in a low sex marriage. Has anyone read any of those, who could point me to a good choice? Or had some sage advice from a therapist or a friend, that might apply? I'm looking for help fixing the problem, not running away from it. Thanks.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-09-2013, 05:01 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 820
Default

I'd stop trying to change your husband to be what you want and accept what he does offer sexually, and take it or leave it. If he doesn't want to change actively, its a waste of time to push for that. Comparing sexual dynamics between partners is a lose-lose situation.

That said David Schnarch has a lot of good books about the subject, I own a few of them.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-09-2013, 05:02 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I could have PIV sex with C once, tell my husband, divorce, and have neither of them. What would be the point?
I have no idea. That is much to bizarre an arrangement for me to have any input on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I'm looking for help fixing the problem, not running away from it. Thanks.
I'm not suggesting you run away from the problem, that is your assessment of what I have said (which is telling). I was giving my observation. You don't find it valuable but some lurkers might. Thanks.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
differences, resentment, sex, sexual assertiveness, sexual technique

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:10 AM.