#41
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
I would add onto that sentence: ...if he isn't willing to take responsibility for his feelings, examine his prejudices and issues, talk more, and stop blaming his wife.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.
"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry "Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted. |
#42
|
|||
|
|||
![]() Quote:
Quote:
So? Nuzzling my neck and kissing me behind the earlobes. MrS does this once in a while...makes me melt. He is NOT a very physical/sensual/sexual person...so when HE does this thing, my brain snaps to attention. Dude does the same thing... 4-5 times a day, when he is horny, which is always. Eventually, it feels like he is trying to push my "ON" button to get HIS desires met. The same action is no longer as much of a turn-on: maybe it just tickles instead... Quote:
(Note: this is from what I have gleaned from comments of many people over the years - I never, personally, bought into this meme - so I bypassed this disillusionment.) Know what? People fart. Vaginas get dry (I have a "lube in every room" story floating around here somewhere). Vibrator batteries die at crucial moments. Sometimes you end up laughing so hard that the "tender" flies out the window and you hold each other laughing hysterically...it's all good. Try again in a bit ... (if you ever manage to stop giggling!) ****** There may have been a point to this post initially...I have lost it...will just let it stand. JaneQ
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with - MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs) Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS + "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc. My poly blogs here: The Journey of JaneQSmythe The Notebook of JaneQSmythe |
#43
|
|||
|
|||
![]()
Sometimes rearranging things helps see things in another way. So here's an attempt at it. You fix it how you like better, ok?
HE WANTS He wants us to stay together. (In a healthy way or not? No mention of the QUALITY of staying together)
Living in polyship issues:
Sex Issues:
HIS NEED
I WANT
Living in polyship issues:
Sex related issues:
I NEED
C WANTS/NEEDS
LIMITS EVERYONE DEALS WITH
--------------------- How much of this is
.... that's for you guys to sort out. If there's things missing on the lists of wants -- could print that draft and start putting more on. Could sort out the wants, needs, and limits in to groups better than me. You know you guys better than some internet stranger anyway. ![]() What are the needs of the MARRIAGE to stay healthy? You both say you want it, but are you both tending to its needs? It's like you both want to feel desired by the other one but neither one wants to risk initiating sex themselves because they fear... what? Neither one wants to risk being emotionally bare to the other because they fear... what? And in the unwilling to come close together sexually or emotionally for fear of feeling yucky... you risk slowly drifting apart over time because the gap widens? Is it that YOU are having trouble believing this: Quote:
To me it sounds like sometimes you both are using sex to do the work of emotional intimacy rather than doing the talking that builds emotional intimacy. It seems like there's some communication problems in expressing needs to me. There's this big thing of WANTS but the only articulated NEED listed is him needing to work on his conversation skills? Weird. ![]() Could take a need inventory and better define the needs, and then brainstorm how to meet the needs in NON-SEX ways. That could free sex up to just be a "good sex share" between you and not be "the Superman bandaid of all things" in this marriage. I do not expect you to answer. My intent in writing that whole long thing is to give YOU new angles to think about it all from on your own in case different approaches helps you find your way. I sincerely hope you guys can work this out between you and DO find your way. Namaste, Galagirl Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-10-2013 at 01:54 PM. |
#44
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
![]() Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
|
#45
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Op I am kind of sort of having a similar issue with my husband.
Sorry this is going to he long. I love Butch.. don't get me wrong. When we started dating he brought up BDSM and his foot fetish. I tried to meets his BDSM needs. It left me feeling uncomfortable dirty.. I broke up with him. He immediately said I can live without all that stuff. Our sex life was great for years. Slowly over the years his wants for BDSM crept back up. He started pushing for it hard. We ended up in a Mexican stand off sex wise. He will not give up requesting those acts from me. Despite me allowing him to find play partners. He just doesn't get it that I do not want any part of it. After several years I resent him. And I am having a hell of a time getting over it. He will offer an olive branch and I will try to reconnect sexually with him to have him insert kink into things. For example i tried the other night to romance my husband. We were touching and enjoying each others company. He then flipped around in the bed and started trying for foot play. It is an instantaneous turn off. Honestly I wanted to kick him in the face. After several years now I don't know if it is fixable. My boyfriend makes none of those demands. The sex is organic. All he has to do is give me that look and oh my God. Even after more than a year. I know things are going to get ugly between my husband and myself. I love himself and I do not want to lose him. But this is not healthy for either one of us.
__________________
40 yo straight female Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001... Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012. In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands. |
#46
|
|||
|
|||
![]() Quote:
Her husband has said that this is a limit for him - if she has PIV sex with another man, he will leave her. That's up to him, surely? He has absolutely no obligation to be okay with his wife having PIV sex with other men. That may not be something he is willing to work on. C doesn't want to think of himself as a marriage wrecker and if the marriage dissolved because of sex with him, he would consider himself that way and would end the relationship with AnotherConfused. Up to him. He's being clear about his limits too. Anotherconfused is asking for advice about what she can do to enhance sex with her husband. That would seem to me to be a much easier thing to do than to convince her husband to get over his problem with her having PIV sex with C and to convince C to get over his discomfort with seeing himself as a marriage wrecker. In her shoes, I'd seek help for how to work on my own desire for sex with my husband too - because it's easier to work on things that are my own to deal with than convince others to deal with things that are important to me but not to them. I wouldn't be in her shoes in the first place, though. I wouldn't get married or have children and as I see relationships as non-fixed, if I wanted other partners and my partner wasn't at all comfortable with that, I would seek to change our relationship first - shift it into friendship or dissolve it completely - before seeking to find other partners. The notion of keeping somebody to be in a romantic relationship with me while I regularly do something that they dislike so much just doesn't appeal to me. For me, no relationship is worth the guilt. But in Anotherconfused shoes, I'd try to work on my own problems with desire for my husband and that's what she's asked for help with not a debate about her choices. I just am kind of fascinated that only PIV sex seems to trigger this response. People on here have many agreements with different partners regarding sex. Some only don't use condoms with one partner and use them with all others - mostly for health reasons but I bet there are some folk who do it to keep a nervous partner happy even though they are convinced that their other partners are safe. Some only engage in anal play with one partner to keep it special. For others it's other things. Nobody ever seems to get up in arms about those agreements. Only PIV sex seems to trigger this response which I think is a lot to do with how we all conditioned to view sex. We are not, as a society, terribly sex positive and I think that this notion that the only 'proper' way to have sex is in a way that may result in pregnancy is a reflection of group tendency toward discomfort with sex. Doing sexual things just for fun and just because they feel good isn't enough. Or at least that's how it seems to me. IP |
#47
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
AC doesnt have a sex problem. She doesnt need to "increase desire for her husband." That sounds friggin Biblical.
It's in Genesis: Your husband will rule over you and you will have desire only for him. Oh yeah Yahweh? Kiss my ass. This is 2013. Healthy poly in large part exists because of feminism. Her h, because of being Indian, Christian and extremely conservative, is limiting and controlling his wife. It's not just the PIV, it's his lack of desire when she is planning a date with C, when she is about to go see C, when she is just back from seeing C. And then he's not even an assertive lover. He lies back in bed, a pillow prince/ss: "Worship my gorgeous body, wife. You do all the work to get me aroused so I can penetrate you. Please you? HA! You don't deserve my efforts. I will squeeze your damn leg and turn you off even. *squeeze* There!" AC and her husband have an INTIMACY and trust problem. All the tips and tricks to spice up your sex life (like trying to make him cum with a HJ) will not work because they are mere flimsy bandaids on the festering sore of their broken trust. BTW, I think it's kinda shitty that C had forbidden her from breaking up with her h. He's also controlling her, manipulating her and blackmailing her to protect his own image of himself. I do feel he cares about her more though... but still, AC could talk with him more deeply about this. If she left her h, it wouldnt be FOR C, that is another bit of patriarchal nonsense. She can leave C for HERSELF, her own sanity and dignity.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley Mags (poly, F, 62) Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009 Kahlo (poly-curious, M, 45) my bf since August 2017 Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013 Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-10-2013 at 02:36 PM. |
![]() |
Tags |
differences, resentment, sex, sexual assertiveness, sexual technique |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|