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Old 08-10-2013, 05:19 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default Is it just for sex or am I really poly?

Hi. I'm married (almost 18 years in Sept) & we are newbies. Currently we are involved with L whom i have sex with alone (rarely) & as a non-bi three sum with Hub. L is here for the sex only & i have feelings for L besides sexual. All three of us know this is short-term & hope to remain friends. L does feel something but in the long-term he is basically mono (well he thinks he is).

In the meantime, both hubby & i have profiles on okcupid (okc). We have no set expectation of how a poly relationship with another will evolve whether its a triad, quad or a V (for each of us). As what appears to be typical for men & women, i get messages 99% & hub 1% of the time. I'd say hub feels some envy.

What we are not agreeing on is he thinks i just want to have sex & am not actually poly . I disagree and believe my intentions are to meet someone, if i like that person, yes i will have sex with them (fwb to start), but i feel if the fwb continues & grows that the fwb could become a long-term relationship. I have so much love in me & have been in love with both hub & a past bf that i know in my heart i am not looking for just sex. I'm looking for what will evolve into a new relationship. My okc profile is very adamant about being poly and that I am not looking for casual sex.

How, in discussions with hub, do i get him to realize that my ability to meet someone off-line is impossible & that starting off as a fwb is a possible way for me to meet another potential poly-mate? I'm a sahm who has a very limited social life.

Later this month i will be meeting FB (potential new bf/fwb). FB is married (12 years) & in love with one other woman (he doesn't know what to think of his own situation). FB & I both agree love comes down the road & neither of us want a one night stand. Actually I might meet him this monday for coffee, but not sure yet. Since FB messaged me on okc we've been getting to know each other. Discovering we have same tastes in music, that my favorite band is his (which surprises him {Primus} prob cause not many woman in this area even know who they are). I keeping "wow"ing him and he me.

Is this potential new FB just a casual opportunity and I'm not really poly or am I doing this the best way I can, under the circumstances, to meet someone to share my love with?

I know it appears to Hub that I'm just going to go from one guy to the next but that is so not my intention. It's not like I get much freedom to just go out and meet someone. Hub works strange shifts so I'm with the kids most of the time, doing the kid thing and taking care of our home.

I've been looking at posts and have read a few that are close but not quite the same. Any advice of how to get both hub and I do understand how actually dating happens would be great.

And if this is all over the place in thoughts, so sorry, I think circularly.
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Old 08-10-2013, 12:36 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome ,

Your title asks the question only you can answer.

Why don't you have sex with L alone ....if it was all about sex ?

You want advice on how to get hubs to see dating is going to be great ?
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Old 08-10-2013, 03:17 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Red face Advice for hubs

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

You want advice on how to get hubs to see dating is going to be great ?
DINGEDHEART - I have already answered my question & I am poly. So I do need advice on getting hubs to see dating is going to be great.

Last night he came home from work (he's a chef) telling me about a co-worker who appears to like him. I'm so happy he has an interest in someone. I just don't have that option on meeting either men or women.
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Old 08-10-2013, 03:27 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default With L Alone

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

Why don't you have sex with L alone ....if it was all about sex ??
I have been with L alone, once, & it was just as amazing as when L & hub share me in the same moment. L lives a 1/2 hour away & can rarely have me at his place so he comes to ours. Gas gets expensive.

The one time I did go to L's, stayed there for just over 5 hours, but late at night, our 2 y.o. woke. Hub said it was hard to get her back to sleep since I normally breastfeed her when she wakes. I think on that one visit for hub he was dealing with jealousy & envy issues so he was trying to guilt me for falling asleep at L's.

Hub is getting more accepting of the changes we both are & will continue to face in this lifestyle.
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Old 08-10-2013, 05:56 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I guess I am confused. What does hubs think you should be doing instead? I agree as a sahm, your opportunity to meet others the more traditional way is limited.
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Old 08-10-2013, 07:50 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I guess I am confused. What does hubs think you should be doing instead? I agree as a sahm, your opportunity to meet others the more traditional way is limited.
Well this morning he was very upset. He's now feeling dejected, thinks he'll never be able to meet another person because he's married and how could a single or other married woman want to be involved with a married man. Yes he's working a lot and doesn't have time to go out. Yet he flirts with all the female co-workers, he's even kissed one but she's way too young so he feels she is off limits. Then he starts getting a crush on another. He's driving me nuts .

I'm starting to think he's more mono than poly or if he is poly he's feeling a huge amount of envy at the fact I can find a guy with a snap of my fingers. Jealousy that he has to work harder at it. I also think that if he has a huge amount of insecurities that have always been there since before we married.

I've got quite the headache today from the emotional roller coaster that he gives to me each day. Upset in the morning, feeling better mid-day, totally gung ho when he gets home. Is this normal for one partner to feel these things when starting out in the poly world?

It's funny because he's the one who suggested and now he's the one having resistance to it. He loves sharing me sexually (as long as he can be there) but I've discovered he is not ready to share me emotionally. How do I help him overcome that insecurity? It doesn't matter how much I show/tell him I love him and I would never end us because I feel for another, he's still fearful that we will divorce one day.
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Old 08-10-2013, 09:47 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Originally Posted by alinpaul View Post
He loves sharing me sexually (as long as he can be there) but I've discovered he is not ready to share me emotionally.
This sentence makes it sound like he's really not into poly (having multiple relationships) and would be better with swinging (and the type of swinging where each couple is in the same room) or just threesomes and orgies.

If this isn't what you want then you guys will have to decide what to do.
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Old 08-10-2013, 09:51 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Would he consider posting to the group? Sometimes, it can be helpful to express those insecure thought and feelings to a more objective group than one's spouse. And, there is a wide variety of experience here. Many here have gone through the process of fighting their own demons.
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Old 08-10-2013, 10:10 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
This sentence makes it sound like he's really not into poly (having multiple relationships) and would be better with swinging (and the type of swinging where each couple is in the same room) or just threesomes and orgies.

If this isn't what you want then you guys will have to decide what to do.
I am poly & he realizes that to ask me to change is not going to make either of us happy. We are discussing it. I truly feel he is poly but needs to figure some of this out on his own. Last winter he had a girlfriend whom he felt love for. The g/f couldn't accept he loved me at the same time.
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Old 08-10-2013, 10:13 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Would he consider posting to the group? Sometimes, it can be helpful to express those insecure thought and feelings to a more objective group than one's spouse. And, there is a wide variety of experience here. Many here have gone through the process of fighting their own demons.
I will suggest it. I think that is a good step for him. He needs objectivity which I try my best at providing but is impossible to do.

UPDATE: he said he'd get an account on here after work. I've been here a few days and it's really helped me just from reading other posts.

Thank you all who have commented. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 08-10-2013 at 11:36 PM.
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dating, fwb, married and dating, married and polyamorous, married dating, meeting people, nre, poly vs. open, poly vs. swinging, sex

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