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  #21  
Old 08-13-2013, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's good that he confessed and that the conversation was productive. However, have you thought about the woman he fucked? Was there honesty all around? Does she know he is married? If so, does she know his wife consents to a non-monogamous arrangement? It's important, if he is going to continue fucking and seeing her, that she not be deceived into thinking she could eventually be his "one and only."
I've met her a few times. He said he told her I am okay with any activities, which I had previously given my consent when he told me he was interested in her.

She herself has a serious boyfriend. But I am & neither is he, sure of what she ultimately wants in this development. He will need to discuss it with her.
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  #22  
Old 08-13-2013, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I was a sahm for years. Now I am a part time student.
But-at no point in time did I ever have an issue meeting people in real life. In fact, I don't understand how you even come to the conclusion its impossible.
I can see your view on not having an issue meeting people in real life but for me, that is the case. I've lived in this community for two years now and have not made a best friend or met any one to just go to coffee with. I'm not an introvert, I talk to strangers all the time, but those are not individuals who I would want a relationship with and hubby works in a restaurant, so my free time is based on his work schedule. Just not many opportunities.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
As for the rest-it's all personal preference and many here have issue with my view on this-but as far as I am concerned-once you add sex to the equation-the probability of building a healthy long term relationship (if you haven't already managed to address that) is reduced exponentially.
If your point of view was true for me, I wouldn't be with my husband. I don't disagree with you and actually have been making it a point with any potential suitors we will be dating before we become sexual.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
NRE is a bullshit excuse for rushing the relationship train to the bedroom
. Still learning about this NRE terminology. If one didn't even know this terminology and they do rush to the bedroom, what excuse do they have? Just curious since I am involved with someone which started out purely for sex but the feelings that evolved with this person is what made both hubby and I realize I could love two people and brought us to the path of polyamory.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I was clear as day with my SO's. If they choose to fuck before a friendship is established between ALL OF US and the other party-that person won't ever be a part of our family dynamic. Period.
They are free to fuck whoever they want-they can have fwb with whomever they want. But those people aren't welcome to participate in our family dynamic.
If they want someone to have the opportunty of being a part of OUR family dynamic-they can table sex until we have established a functional friendship with them as a family.
(and no-we don't date together-we all have very different tastes in lovers)
Well hubby and I are not ready to invite anyone into our family. We know it's a possibility but will be awhile down the road. Our family consists hubby, myself, our 15 year old daughter, almost 8 year old son and 2 year old girl. If we just had the younger ones we might tread this path differently but due to the oldest age and her personality, we will be going very slowly. Any dates will be outside the home for the time being, which means sex won't always be an opportunity that is on the plate, at least for me.

Thank you LR for your input. Different views help see the bigger overall picture.
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  #23  
Old 08-14-2013, 07:11 AM
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I dont have any input to this post but it sure as hell has improved my understanding..Thank you all...
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  #24  
Old 08-14-2013, 07:25 AM
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If yo google "chemical love" you can find much info on what NRE is from a scientific point of view. The term is a poly term. But the experience happens to all people regardless of mono or poly preferences.
The VERY truncated explanation is: NRE is the "omg we are so perfect for each other i want to be with you all of the time" feelings that arise when u meet someone new.
It is from a biological perspective, designed to promote sex for the purpose of procreation. It is a chemical dump on par with being high on crack-except, your body does it all on its own.
In the mono world, it is what motovates people to rush into commitment and it wearing off (which it always will) people suddenly split up wondering what the fuck happened.
In the poly world its a big press to be with whoever is new and shiny to the neglect of responsibilities to current partners, children, friends, etc.
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  #25  
Old 08-14-2013, 11:20 AM
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As for the rest-it's all personal preference and many here have issue with my view on this-but as far as I am concerned-once you add sex to the equation-the probability of building a healthy long term relationship (if you haven't already managed to address that) is reduced exponentially.
That's a individual thing. For some people with sex negative, archaic views, a woman giving up the goods before a certain amount of time means she isn't LTR material. If you want to date sex negative, archaic people then sure, stick the three date plus rule or whatever. If you would prefer not to date such people, and especially if sexual compatibility is very important to you, I'd at least get their thoughts on this sort of thing from the get go. Someone who has those kind of views would not be compatible with me, personally.
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  #26  
Old 08-27-2013, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I've lived in this community for two years now and have not made a best friend or met any one to just go to coffee with. I'm not an introvert, I talk to strangers all the time, but those are not individuals who I would want a relationship with and hubby works in a restaurant, so my free time is based on his work schedule. Just not many opportunities.
Two years when your mom, is really not a long time. Kids take up so much time and energy, when would you have time to do a search for friends. I remember being "stuck" with people I met through the kids activities or church - none of whom I ever really connected with. At one point, I stopped and took a look at my life and relationships, I had to make a change and do something. After 15 years, I was done being lonely and desperate for friends - now I am an introvert, so long stretches of alone time is normal, but I also need the socialization and a reason to do so. I started looking for groups that are involved in the things I like to do, instead of just tagging along with the husband and his activities. It took me a year to find a group and organize changes to accommodate another activity. It was worth it, because almost instantly, I found a group of people I could connect with and that have accepted me as family.
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  #27  
Old 08-27-2013, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Two years when your mom, is really not a long time. Kids take up so much time and energy, when would you have time to do a search for friends. I remember being "stuck" with people I met through the kids activities or church - none of whom I ever really connected with. At one point, I stopped and took a look at my life and relationships, I had to make a change and do something. After 15 years, I was done being lonely and desperate for friends - now I am an introvert, so long stretches of alone time is normal, but I also need the socialization and a reason to do so. I started looking for groups that are involved in the things I like to do, instead of just tagging along with the husband and his activities. It took me a year to find a group and organize changes to accommodate another activity. It was worth it, because almost instantly, I found a group of people I could connect with and that have accepted me as family.
The closest local poly group is 30 minutes away & is going through a metamorphasis. No one wants to step up to run it. Your comment has me thinking this is an opportunity to create one that is more local.
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  #28  
Old 08-27-2013, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
The closest local poly group is 30 minutes away & is going through a metamorphasis. No one wants to step up to run it. Your comment has me thinking this is an opportunity to create one that is more local.
Starting your own poly group would be great, or get with the organizers and see about setting up alternate meeting locations. It takes us 30 minutes to get anywhere around here . However, I wasn't necessarily talking about a poly group - any group where you can share interests of any kind and find people to connect with. I joined a re-enactment group, I like history, sewing and camping, it works - talk about a group full of alternate lifestyles and sci-fi geeks that like to sew and make things .
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  #29  
Old 08-27-2013, 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post

. Still learning about this NRE terminology. If one didn't even know this terminology and they do rush to the bedroom, what excuse do they have? Just curious since I am involved with someone which started out purely for sex but the feelings that evolved with this person is what made both hubby and I realize I could love two people and brought us to the path of polyamory.


Thank you LR for your input. Different views help see the bigger overall picture.
NRE is the term used in poly-but the "phenomenon" is well known in the science community. It it often referred to as "chemical love" or chemical romance. If you google that-you should be able to find a number of articles-including several actual peer-reviewed scientific journals on the topic.

I understand that relationships started as "just sex" CAN develop into more.
The kicker is-that sex is fun. It drops a whole Molotov cocktail of "happy drugs" into your system (literally). This makes it REALLY easy to believe that someone is a "great fit" when in fact-they are anything but a great fit for you. But-when the sex is great, it's easy to *temporarily* overlook obvious differences.

Where as-taking time to actually identify legitimate things in common that pertain to the "long haul" increases the liklihood of avoiding the trauma of "falling in love" with the absolutely wrong person for you.

Shrug-have you ever taken statistics?
There's a concept in statistics about type 1 error versus type 2 error. One is an error of thinking something exists that does not. The other is an error of thinking that something does not exist when in fact it does.

**TO ME**
It's preferable to miss an opportunity than deal with the fall out of a relationship that is dysfunctional, unhealthy and destructive.
That wasn't ALWAYS the case. Before I had a family to consider, I was all for taking the risks and seeing where the pieces landed. Sex was fun-so who cares if it resulted in a drama afterward? It was *only me* (and them) being hurt.
But now-it's not that simple (it never really was-but I thought it was then). Now there is Maca, GG, Sweet Pea, Sour Pea, Spicy Pea, Little Pea and Cashew who all stand to be directly impacted by drama I bring into the dynamic.
It's almost all of those are children-to make a choice to do something *unnecessary* for my own enjoyment-knowing it's a high probability of creating drama for them.
EVEN IF I DON'T LET THEM MEET MY LOVERS-if I get hurt-it WILL impact them. If I am dealing with drama-it WILL impact them.

As Maca found out the hard way-when he tried to jump into a relationship with a little hottie. She wasn't involved iwth the rest of us. But she created so much strain, drama, tension in the whole COMMUNITY over it-that it was destructive to our whole family AND extended family.

So yeah-I prefer to just take the slow boat to China in building relationships instead of rushing in and going for broke.
Takes a lot longer to get there-but the end result is-I keep them as friends even if we don't end up being lovers or decide to stop being lovers and we avoid all of that bs drama.
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  #30  
Old 08-27-2013, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
That's a individual thing.
Yeah I know-which is why I said so at the beginning of my sentence.
It's also not a "forever" thing.
I had different opinions at different points in my life.

I base my preferences on a variety of factors including but not exclusively-the amount of responsibilities I have and to whom and for what.
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