Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-27-2013, 02:01 AM
sheesh sheesh is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Question very new to poly

so i am about 5 months into a new poly relationship with an already established couple (they've been together 7yrs) and i am finding that this is way more confusing than i first expected. i started dating G first. she and her husband were very upfront with me in the beginning and told me exactly what they were looking for; a girlfriend that they could share. well the first month with her was amazing, she was extremely affectionate and was always telling me how much she couldn't wait until we were together. the sex was amazing and it seemed as though we couldn't keep our hands off of each other when we were together. once the three of us had started our relationship the physical contact from G started to lack. at first the sex between the three of us was constant but because of one of the rules of theirs was that S and i could not have sex unless G was involved, i have not had any sexual contact in over 3 months. S and i seem to have gotten closer throughout this time of "drought" for me and has been open enough to tell me that he and G have sex at least once a week. this is fine, obviously they are going to have sex, they're in a relationship. my problem is this... When i ask G if she and i can have sex she tells me "I haven't been in the mood for sex lately"... this bothers me because i know she is having sex with S. I have tried to have conversations with her about it but they seem to all just come back to the same end. she says she loves me and wants to be with me. i have been really fed up and ready to throw in the towel because lately it seems that all we do is argue. i am not sure what to do. does anyone have some advice?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-27-2013, 07:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

Hi and welcome,


What's it feel like to be a unicorn .. sorry just kidding around.

To start what type of poly experience did the couple have prior to you ?....or was this some sort of 7 yr itch thing ...or the wife was bi curious and once the husband started having feelings everything changed and started hitting home for her.


I'd throw in the towel on a relationship that hasn't been working longer than it has worked. 3/5 of the time frustrating and lopsided. No seat on the rules committee. Take what you're given...or fuck off ...literally go fuck yourself. Because I don't " feel " like it and it against the rule for him.

How did you get hooked up with these people?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-27-2013, 08:33 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I would throw in the towel myself, but I'll proceed under the assumption you'd rather not, or else you would have already.

You could confront G about your perception that it's not "I'm not in the mood" but rather "I don't want it with you." To be the Devil's advocate, it's conceivable that she hasn't been in the mood at all and that S has been pressuring her anyway. But more likely, something happened during one of the threesomes that made her feel weird, and now she doesn't want to do that anymore, but she's too chicken-shit to tell you about it and work it out.

Or maybe she was bi-curious and now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she realizes she's not really down with pussy.

I guess my question to you is, what's in it for you? What outcome would you like to see? Perhaps you would feel better if you had more of a say in how the relationship works, e.g. having sex with S without G needing to be present.

Incidentally, this whole poly thing also means you're allowed to have relationships with other people outside this couple. There's no reason that just because they're not meeting your needs, you can't get your needs met with someone else. Unless of course, that's another one of "their rules" in which case forget 'em and move on. They don't own you.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-27-2013, 11:22 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,049
Default

No sex for 3 months in a 5 month relationship. You should still be in the ripping each others clothes off stage.

Yeah personally even at almost a year and a half together I get upset if I don't have sex on a regular basis.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-27-2013, 12:02 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

You have been given some pretty sound analysis - there is something else going on besides, "not in the mood."

Choices are (as some of the others suggested):

1. Confront her them straight out about the fact they are having sex, which kind of precludes' "not in the mood," unless as someone suggested, hubby is pressuring her.

2. Confront the situation in a different way, by telling them that your needs are not being met in the relationship. List them and ask if they are going to be willing to meet those needs.

3. Confront the situation from yet another approach and state that since they are not meeting your needs during her "not in the mood" dry spell, you will began looking for another partner to address them.

I was with a couple once, and everything was fine - no issues with sex - until the wife realized the husband and I had grown to love each other. Then all bets were off. She went 180 degrees. (Wasn't love kind of the point?)
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-27-2013, 01:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,084
Default

I am sorry you are struggling.

I'm not sure what feedback you need.
  • Encouragement to end it. (Which is what you seem to want)
  • Encouragement to work something out with them.

Which is it?

What do you guys are about? Sex? Or something else? Like if you were having sex then X wouldn't be as annoying, but since you are not having sex then X becomes even more bothersome?

GG
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:44 AM
sheesh sheesh is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Default

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my question..
well, after a lot of thinking and a lengthy discussion with G and S, i have decided to go elsewhere to get my needs met. the three of us agreed that my needs could not be met in that relationship so i am newly single. i am not sure if i will seek another poly relationship or not but come what may. i am at peace with the separation and i wish nothing but the best to both of those lovely people
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-28-2013, 12:38 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Take care Sheesh and beware of couples seeking Unicorns, it's often about as successful as Greeks bearing gifts!!!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-28-2013, 01:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,084
Default

I am glad to hear it you all sorted it out peacefully even if the best outcome was to end it on good terms.

I am glad your short term well being seems good, and hopefully that serves your long term well being better.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-28-2013 at 02:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

So glad you were able to get resolution, and that you were able to accomplish it on good terms!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
relationship advice, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:40 PM.