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  #11  
Old 11-16-2013, 03:51 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Also, it has occurred to me that you aren't supposed to validate him. You're just supposed to be honest, caring, supportive, and loving, and your emotional response appears to be dishonest, uncaring, and hurtful, which might be easier but is in now way going to help him.

You want him to feel secure and loved? Then tell him that you aren't using him and figure out your own feelings because it's not going to help him, or your relationship, if your first reaction is to hurt him by shutting him out.
I belive I am honest, caring, supportive and loving, although he is the judge of how well I succed in showing those qualities the way he prefers them. All the things I have written there are things I did not say to thim, I did not even show him I was confused and sad, because he was already very emerged in this thoughts as well as tired. I told him I am not using him, that I love him very much and that I fell for him even before he kissed me the first time, all of which is true. My first reaction is to keep things by myself, talk to others that might help *doing it right now, and will talk to my husband before I go to sleep* and write in my journal. My second reaction of anger I guess is sort of me - in my head - trying to get back at him for getting me "emotional" (that was what I told him about how his question made me feel). I thanked him for asking me the question, because no matter how bad it is, I would still rather he share his thoughts with me, because I love him and want to get to know him a little more each day.
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  #12  
Old 11-16-2013, 03:52 AM
Spock Spock is offline
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I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I'm glad you're not upset.
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  #13  
Old 11-16-2013, 04:03 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Spock View Post
I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I'm glad you're not upset.
I am extremely upset! I feel he is pissing all over our love with his questions and his dobuts! He has managed to push some of my buttons in a way that can never be undone. Today I am angry. When I talk to him again tomorrow evening, I will hopefully have calmed down . Maybe we can use what happened today to get to know each other more. I realize we still have some talking to do, about lots of stuff.
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  #14  
Old 11-16-2013, 07:13 AM
Spock Spock is offline
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That doesn't make sense to me, but I'm glad you are mindful at least and not acting in haste.
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  #15  
Old 11-16-2013, 07:48 AM
london london is offline
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Sex is a normal part of relationships. Your boyfriend should be happy that his skill in bed is part of the reason you fell for him. I don't understand this sex negative view that enjoying sex with someone is shallow or bad in any way.
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  #16  
Old 11-16-2013, 10:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You seem like you are on your way to cooling off. Kudos!

I'd like to lift these up....

Quote:
I feel he is pissing all over our love with his questions and his dobuts!
How does him expressing doubt to you mean "he is pissing on our love? He could not mean "I feel safe enough in this relationship to disclose my vulnerable parts. I need reassuring" when he expresses these doubts to you?

What about his communication behavior was objectionable?
  • The timing?
  • The vocab choices?
  • The tone of voice?
  • That he had these feelings at all?
  • That he talked about this at all?

Quote:
He has managed to push some of my buttons in a way that can never be undone.
Was he aware of your buttons? No. He does not seem to have dinged you on purpose.

Are you saying you will never forgive him for dinging you in places he was not aware were sore spots?

Quote:
My second reaction of anger I guess is sort of me - in my head - trying to get back at him for getting me "emotional" (that was what I told him about how his question made me feel).
It cuts it fine, but you could note the BEHAVIOR done by WHO. Like if you played it out like a slow motion movie in your head.

He does not get you emotional. You feel whatever it is you feel. You HAVE emotions that you get to experience and express appropriately. Sometimes the internal weather is fun like sunny days and sometimes not so fun like stormy skies. Either way? They blow on through. Emotions are only internal weather.

After feeling X, whatever emotional management behavior you choose to do or do not do, is up to you.
  • His behavior: He asks you a question.
  • Your (thinking) behavior: You think he's judging you.
  • Your emotional feedback: You start to get mad when you think that he is judging you.
  • Next behavior you pick: You decide to get back at him

Is this behavior helping to keep your mad going or helping you to let the mad go?

Is this behavior
(destructive to the relationship) or (constructive to the relationship)?
If your shared goal is to become more secure and stable, how is that behavior you doing your part to help arrive at the goal?

There's no external conflict between you and BF at this point. He's simply asking you a question. You could answer it or not.

Where is the conflict? Internal conflict (inside you). I know it is hard to stay cool when you feel a WHOOSH! bubble up. Happens to all of us sooner or later.

But... still needs doing if you want to be in right relationship with your BF.

If you have baggage left over from an ex who used to judge you, you could decide to to do the work to let it go and drop it. Rather than carry it around and pile on your new BF's head. It seems to be getting in the way of being present and attending to whatever the BF brings up with good communication. That could take some work, but it could serve you better so you experience less inner conflict and communicate better with the BF in the long run.

Could remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and the feeling.

Could remember you are not your past, and HE is also not your past BF.

I hope you are able to cool off and tomorrow's talk is constructive.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-16-2013 at 11:02 AM.
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  #17  
Old 11-16-2013, 02:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Meh, I'd chalk it up to him being sleep deprived and you being sick. And you're just getting to know each other.

I second GG's reminder that we all are responsible for our own feelings.

On the other hand, it does suck to feel shamed for having a strong healthy libido. Hopefully your next talks will confirm your love for each other, and that wonderful sexy feelings are a part of that.
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  #18  
Old 11-16-2013, 06:17 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Sex is a normal part of relationships. Your boyfriend should be happy that his skill in bed is part of the reason you fell for him. I don't understand this sex negative view that enjoying sex with someone is shallow or bad in any way.
Yes I agree. I don't think it is like a philosophical view for him, he is a thinker but he is usually not this dark. Most days he is rather proud of his skills! The problem is his need for reassurrance. I am far, far away, I live with my husband, his relatives are asking all sorts of questions (because he is proud enough of me to bring up the subject) and he has a history of being in a mostly-sexual relationship that I think hurt his feelings (and he is a sensitive guy).
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  #19  
Old 11-16-2013, 06:37 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You seem like you are on your way to cooling off. Kudos!

I'd like to lift these up....

How does him expressing doubt to you mean "he is pissing on our love? He could not mean "I feel safe enough in this relationship to disclose my vulnerable parts. I need reassuring" when he expresses these doubts to you?

What about his communication behavior was objectionable?
  • The timing?
  • The vocab choices?
  • The tone of voice?
  • That he had these feelings at all?
  • That he talked about this at all?


Was he aware of your buttons? No. He does not seem to have dinged you on purpose.

Are you saying you will never forgive him for dinging you in places he was not aware were sore spots?

It cuts it fine, but you could note the BEHAVIOR done by WHO. Like if you played it out like a slow motion movie in your head.

He does not get you emotional. You feel whatever it is you feel. You HAVE emotions that you get to experience and express appropriately. Sometimes the internal weather is fun like sunny days and sometimes not so fun like stormy skies. Either way? They blow on through. Emotions are only internal weather.

After feeling X, whatever emotional management behavior you choose to do or do not do, is up to you.
  • His behavior: He asks you a question.
  • Your (thinking) behavior: You think he's judging you.
  • Your emotional feedback: You start to get mad when you think that he is judging you.
  • Next behavior you pick: You decide to get back at him

Is this behavior helping to keep your mad going or helping you to let the mad go?

Is this behavior
(destructive to the relationship) or (constructive to the relationship)?
If your shared goal is to become more secure and stable, how is that behavior you doing your part to help arrive at the goal?

There's no external conflict between you and BF at this point. He's simply asking you a question. You could answer it or not.

Where is the conflict? Internal conflict (inside you). I know it is hard to stay cool when you feel a WHOOSH! bubble up. Happens to all of us sooner or later.

But... still needs doing if you want to be in right relationship with your BF.

If you have baggage left over from an ex who used to judge you, you could decide to to do the work to let it go and drop it. Rather than carry it around and pile on your new BF's head. It seems to be getting in the way of being present and attending to whatever the BF brings up with good communication. That could take some work, but it could serve you better so you experience less inner conflict and communicate better with the BF in the long run.

Could remember you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and the feeling.

Could remember you are not your past, and HE is also not your past BF.

I hope you are able to cool off and tomorrow's talk is constructive.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
You are so very right. I should be honored that he displays his vounerability! I am, too... I tell him all the time to be honest with me. There comes a price with that, that I have to face whatever comes up from that. It is not really that I complain that he brought it up, it is just that I too was feeling a need for reassurance; That I am attractive, that he loves me, that I should get to take part in our future. Well, the timing could have been better! I too could take responsability to not talk as much when we are both not in the best shape.

He did not push my bottons on purpose. It was a reminder of past hurts that I was only half aware of myself. He is aware of my one botton that is fear that he will leave me for being poly, because I have told him, he always says he will never do that. But I feel sometimes so very helpless, that what I do is never ever enough. My husband told me today it is not all my responsability. My boyfriend has to do some of the walk alone... It helps to remember that.

I guess I have been happy feeling most of the time that we don't have "any problems" (apart from our one quarrel before). Maybe I should snap out of the honeymoon phase and just realize there will be emotional work here, as with any other relationship. I know what he does and my reacations are not the same thing... I just want to feel like he takes care of me, because he has done so, wonderfully, so far... But perhaps this one is on me, because of his fears I have to help him, whatever I can.

I am more sad than angry today. I realize parts of these feelings have to do with things he has not done and maybe I should not bring it to his attention either. He seemed happy on the phone a while ago, so maybe he got his answers. Anyway I look forward to Skyping with him again.
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  #20  
Old 11-16-2013, 06:55 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Meh, I'd chalk it up to him being sleep deprived and you being sick. And you're just getting to know each other.

I second GG's reminder that we all are responsible for our own feelings.

On the other hand, it does suck to feel shamed for having a strong healthy libido. Hopefully your next talks will confirm your love for each other, and that wonderful sexy feelings are a part of that.
Thanks for the reminder. I will try to be responsible for my feelings... Re-read my Non-Violent Communication-book, perhaps! (actually what I did was go online and buy the "Being me, loving you"-leaflet by Marshall Rosenberg, because a friend said it helped her in her relationship).

Oh, the shame I have felt in previous relationships is mostly not even over having a strong libido (though I do), it is more a...shame of not being ashamed. People getting angry at me for themselves getting turned on.

I think I will bring up with him our flirting because I realize we could talk more about what we prefer, individually, and how we could perhaps do it. Strangely enough I think I will be more comfortable talking about it with him now, because I am made aware of my shame-button, so I won't risk it being pushed out of the blue anymore.
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